How to survive the breakup of a long-term relationship. How to survive a breakup - expert advice. What does it mean

Everyone has gone through it at least once in their life. This is the same stage of life as the beginning of a relationship, falling in love, marriage, or the birth of children. But after a breakup, we do not feel positive emotions at all, but loneliness, loss, pain in the heart, and emptiness.

How to survive negative emotions and continue to live on: enjoy the little things, do what you love. My soul is heavy, it seems as if my heart was taken out of my chest and trampled on. No matter what you do, the pain of separation does not leave, it seems as if it was a bad dream.

Such experiences arise if your loved one initiated the separation, and not you.

The first time after breaking up with your loved one

You heard those same terrifying words: “we need to break up.” At first you don’t believe it: it’s not true, it’s a dream, you heard it. But no, your partner is more serious than ever, he really wants to break up with you forever. After some time, you understand the essence of what is happening. And then it breaks through to you. Tears of despair spill out, devastation, as if water from a vase was poured out of a flower, it dies, suffocates, loses consciousness from hopelessness. It seems that life is slipping away from under your feet, those happy days are a thing of the past, and thoughts about the future have dissolved in the darkness of cutting words.

The first thing that comes to mind at such moments is the question “why”. A loved one cannot always answer it. He leaves, and you are left alone with your despair, grief, resentment. But understand that life doesn’t stop there. Step over the pain, look at the world with different eyes, rejoice in freedom, lack of obligations to your soulmate, soon you will feel lightness and freshness.

Everyone chooses their own way to free themselves from negative emotions. Some meet with friends to cry and complain about their difficult fate. Others prefer to go through a breakup in complete solitude, eating sweet buns and chocolate while listening to tearful melodrama. And still others move away from those places where people live. Many people prefer to go to a party and. But getting drunk is not the answer. You can have a blast, relax and forget yourself once, but you shouldn’t make this way of life everyday. Firstly, alcohol will negatively affect your appearance, and secondly, it will not help cope with the problem. Most likely it will only make it worse. Especially if you decide to go all out: devote the night to the first person you meet, or even more than one.

What to do to get over a breakup with your loved one

Yes, an unpleasant event occurred in your life that turned your life upside down. But it doesn't end there.

Psychologists advise not to sit still:

Sport strengthens not only the body, but also the spirit, disciplines, makes you think about life, and rethink your values. It is not necessary to engage in professional sports (football, tennis, volleyball). Choose what you like. Go to a couple of trial classes. It is important to choose a gym closer to home, then the excuses that it’s too far and you’re too lazy to get there will disappear on their own. Start with the pool. Swimming relaxes, strengthens all muscles, and at the same time improves immunity. Such activities will benefit not only your figure, but also your overall health. It is easy to combine the pool with other activities. Usually, along with a swimming pool, gyms have other sections. For example, dancing. After fiery Latin or vibrant street dancing, go for a swim in the pool, then all thoughts about your ex will dissolve so quickly that you won’t even notice. If all this is not your thing, you are in a straight line for group step aerobics classes or in the gym. The main thing is to choose an activity that will really drag you on. And you will go to it not because you “have to,” but because you want to.

Along with sports, take care of your appearance: hairstyle, skin condition, cellulite, etc. Visit a cosmetologist, or better yet, go through a full examination. At the hairdresser, radically change your style, hairstyle, ask the makeup artist to do makeup that is unusual for you. Then life will sparkle with new colors, you will want to show yourself to the world, go out into the world, find new friends, and maybe new love.
Go to a party. Invite your old girlfriends and friends, throw a party at your home or in a public place: a cafe, restaurant, entertainment center. Where it will be fun and interesting to spend time with a large group. You don’t have to come up with a holiday yourself, ask to visit someone or go to a disco, club, dance, have fun. You can go alone and meet new interesting people there.

And next to you, an unknown man will sleep sweetly, snoring. Keep yourself in control, but at the same time relax, give free rein to your feelings and emotions, dance is the best solution.

If you are experiencing a very difficult separation from your loved one, contact us. He will tell you how to behave in such a situation and recommend what to do. And in advanced cases, he will prescribe the necessary treatment (antidepressants or anti-anxiety pills). But it’s better not to bring yourself to such a state. Try to cope on your own. Although a visit to a psychologist is not considered reprehensible. Modern society no longer perceives this doctor as something shameful.
Talk to yourself. Sometimes we are our own best psychologist. Lie down comfortably at home, turn on relaxing music, just relaxing, not depressing, sad. Light the aroma lamp for a spa-like effect. Think about the positive things that happened after breaking up with your significant other. Take paper and pen, get in the right mood. Remember exactly the good things that happened later. You probably won’t be able to write even one paragraph right away, but try harder. Include in the list even the smallest details that were not evident. After breaking up, you bought yourself a dress or shoes that you had been eyeing in the store for a long time, but your loved one did not allow you to waste money. Or you lost 2 kg, or you got a kitten, a puppy, new friends at home, or came up with a hobby. Don’t remember the negativity, shed tears, wasted nerve cells, thrown away gifts from your loved one. All this is in the past. Your future consists of joyful moments, which, if desired, write down in a notebook every day. In the evening before going to bed, sit down and remember what good happened during the day. It is also important to write down every little thing here. After a while, you will notice that each time it becomes easier to remember good things, the number of points will increase. This kind of auto-training will bring you to your senses, make you happy, and teach you to enjoy every little thing.

Do you know the saying “wedge breaks with wedge”? So in your case it will work. Register on dating sites and chat. This option is not the only place for such a pastime, but it should not be excluded. Sometimes on boring evenings, chat with an interesting man. But don't believe everything they write to you. Everything looks good in the letter, and the photograph may not be real. But if you do decide to meet the person you like, be extremely careful. Do not agree to meet at his place or at your home; it is better to chat, have dinner at a local cafe, where there are always a lot of people. There will be at least some idea of ​​the person as a person. And it may not coincide with the one that appeared after communicating in the virtual world.

Let go. The person you broke up with gave you many wonderful moments. Remember them and remain grateful to him for it. Mentally wish him happiness and let him go. This doesn’t sound very clear, but try to feel this moment within yourself. When you stop hoping for return, reconciliation, jealousy goes away, it means you have let him go. This will give you mental relief, you will feel as if wings have grown on your back.
When point 7 is completed, you can think about the future. You no longer think about your ex-man, he is the past, and you are the future. It's better to change the situation. Go on vacation to the sea, meet an attractive man there and spend unforgettable days together. As an option, . This will help you take your mind off obsessive thoughts and immerse yourself in everyday work. With work, the team, environment, and management will change. This will become a distraction for the wounded soul.
Do good deeds. But they need to be done not for your own benefit and with the expectation that the person will answer you in kind. Do sincere things that come from the heart, do not hope that “you will be rewarded.” It is not necessary to act only in relation to people, feed a homeless animal or take it home, treat it, feed it. If you are not going to keep him, then after all the manipulations, look for new owners for him.

When you pass all these points, or at least part of them, you will feel freedom. And then start looking for real new love. Are you ready for this? Very soon life will change for the better, and the past will remain behind a gray veil. It will seem like just a terrible dream that you didn’t have.

Usually a person begins to suffer very much when his relationship breaks down. And it is not surprising, since we are talking about emotional attachment to another person with whom one was not yet ready to part. You can compare the breakup of a relationship with money: when you are ready to part with it, that is, to spend it, you do it more easily than in those moments when you lose money or are taken away from you, when you are not ready to part with it. Experts give advice on the online magazine website on how to survive a breakup, which is always a painful and tragic event.

The easiest ones are those who initiate the separation. However, not everything is clear here either. Absolute ease after the breakup of the union is experienced only by the person who was already prepared for this event. Typically, readiness to break up can be determined by the following signs:

1. Lack of interest in the other person.
2. Lack of desire to see him, hear him and spend time with him.
3. Absolute indifference to everything that happens to him.
4. Even the absence of a partner who can flirt and sleep with someone.

If no feelings arise towards your partner, then it’s time to break up with him. And the person here actually feels relieved after the breakup, because it feels like he has taken off an extra burden.

The events experienced by the initiator of the breakup are a little more tragic if he did it out of stupidity or was forced to do so. For example, his partner cheated on him, which he cannot forgive (however, feelings for him remain). Or the woman broke off the relationship out of emotion, which often happens, and then, when she calmed down, she realized the stupidity of her action. If it is impossible to return what you lost by mistake, then the suffering intensifies.

The most vivid emotions are experienced by the person who did not initiate the breakup. He might not have realized that tragedy was looming. He could guess, but try not to think about it. Usually, a breakup occurs during quarrels, when the partner can no longer stand it and, out of emotion, reveals his desire to dissolve the relationship. At first, those who have broken up with them may think that their breakup is only temporary. However, when time passes and the partner does not return, moreover, it is impossible to return him, then the emotions of grief intensify.

Experts attribute the breakup of a relationship to the same losses in a person’s life as the death of a loved one or the loss of a large amount of money that has been saved for many years. Imagine a situation when you give your years, strength and all your resources and feelings to a person, and he suddenly breaks off the relationship. The pain intensifies even more if it turns out that the person was not just broken up with, but replaced with another partner. Self-esteem suffers greatly when a person finds out that a former partner has left for another.

Experiencing a breakup goes through 5 stages of development. At each stage, a person experiences a certain set of emotions. They are all natural and should be experienced. A problem can only arise if a person gets stuck at one of the stages and cannot complete it for a long time.

1. Non-acceptance. The person cannot come to terms with what happened; moreover, he does not yet believe that the relationship no longer exists. He continues to dream of a future where he and his partner are together. He continues to act as if the relationship still exists. He continues to lead the same routine when he is forced to devote time and attention to his partner. Any thoughts that the relationship no longer exists are not yet taken seriously.
2. Aggression. When the first understanding of what happened comes, the person begins to get angry. Here he begins to look for those to blame and lash out at everyone who gets his hands on it. He may consider himself to blame, or his former partner, or those around him, or circumstances.
3. Bargain. Next, the person begins to bargain as he realizes that the relationship is broken. Who is he bargaining with? With myself. He imagines situations when his former soulmate tries to return to him, enjoys her humiliation and pleas, while holding his head proudly and begins to make demands. He can negotiate with himself how long he will suffer and love his ex-partner if he suddenly wants to return.
4. . When all previous actions remained meaningless, unrealized, happening only in the head, a person begins to realize even more what happened. The realization of the absence of a relationship causes a person to become depressed. This is the so-called stage of humility, when a person begins to clearly see what happened, feel pain because of it and gradually resign himself.
5. New life. When a person has gone through all the previous stages, has played enough with his emotions and possible options for events, and comes to terms with the irrevocable departure of his ex-partner, he begins to realize that he is wasting his time on groundless and unnecessary experiences. While he suffers, his time is running out. He might already be interested in another person, he could spend his energy on something more useful. When a person understands that it is time to stop suffering from the past and need to start living in the present and future, then he moves on to a new life.

How to survive a breakup?

Not a single psychologist will say that a breakup is easy to survive. While a person goes through the stages of awareness and acceptance of the situation, tries to get his ex back and suffers enough, a lot of time will pass. For some it takes several months, for others even years. Getting over a breakup will not be easy if your feelings for your ex-partner have not cooled down and everything happened against your will.

First, you need to deal with your own feelings that were hurt by your ex-partner who broke off or contributed to the breakup of the relationship. Surely there is a sense of pride and ego that is hurt, which says that no one can leave you, everyone loves and appreciates you. When the situation shows the opposite, a person primarily suffers because he was rejected, not appreciated, humiliated, and not because of any other reasons.

Then the person needs to realize that the breakup of the relationship forces him to change his usual way of life. Suffering does not arise because another person leaves, but because the absence of a relationship forces a person to change his habits that have worked and been implemented in his life for so long. He suffers because of his new life, which does not allow him to live as before.

To survive a breakup, psychologists recommend not returning your ex-partner. If all the dots are in place, your ex-partner has clearly stated his desire to never be with you again, you need to accept it. Moreover, you need to stop being interested in your partner’s life, follow him, find out about him from mutual friends. Until your heart grows cold towards the past, you should minimize all sources that may remind you of it. And then, when the feelings completely subside, you can be interested, if you want.

While you are just going through a breakup, psychologists recommend thinking about the reasons for what happened. This will allow you to no longer repeat the mistakes that you personally made. It doesn't matter what the ex-partner's fault is. This is his choice and his mistakes, for which he will be personally responsible. Your task is to understand what you were wrong about, which is why the relationship broke down. When you start a new relationship, this will allow you to no longer experience such a break in the union.

How can a woman survive a breakup with a man?

Men and women experience relationship breakups differently. Let's consider what a woman can do to survive the breakup of a union with a man:

1. Put on the mask of a successful woman. Yes, you feel sad and unpleasant. However, you should save your face. Don't be discouraged, continue to admire yourself. Perhaps while you are suffering, a man will pass by you who could be interested in you, but did not because you were upset, whiny and ugly.
2. Let go of your ex. Gradually you should let the man go into the past. Don’t blame him for anything, try to talk less about him with friends and remember. Just let the person live the way he wants, even if he is not happy next to you.
3. Start making new plans. You suffer because you still do not let go of the past. However, time passes. If you want to stop holding on to what has long been in the past, start dreaming about the future. These plans should include you and the man with whom you are not yet building a relationship. Imagine how you will relax, work and live together with another man.
4. Do what was previously prohibited. Relationships always presuppose that your partner forbids you to do something: put on makeup, go to nightclubs, flirt with men, devote time to work, etc. Surely your man also forbade you to do something. Now that you have broken up, realize those desires that you could not fulfill before.
5. Chat with new people. Once you have become free, then allow yourself to meet new people. Continue to communicate with friends and relatives, and enjoy making new contacts with people you don’t yet know. This will allow you to quickly forget your ex.

Please note that you are not recommended to start a new relationship just to forget about the old one. If you are not interested in a new man and are not in love with him, then you should not get into a relationship, as it always ends in tears.

How can a man survive a breakup with a woman?

Despite the calm expression on his face, a man experiences a breakup no less emotionally than a woman. He may suffer greatly if the relationship breaks up suddenly and for unknown reasons. Often a man begins to become an alcoholic, putting his life at risk by driving fast or entering into various conflict situations with other men. A man suffers, so he often punishes himself for it. Why? Because he was dependent on a woman, which is a consequence of not loving himself.

How can a man cope with a breakup?

1. Restore self-respect. A man must start by loving and valuing himself. If a woman couldn’t appreciate a person like you, then that’s her problem.
2. Remember that life is short, so it’s pointless to waste time worrying and suffering for a person who won’t appreciate it anyway. Value your life above some experiences and personality of another person.
3. Engage in self-improvement. Surely your self-esteem has dropped a little due to the woman leaving. It seemed to you that you were somehow not good for her. In fact, the woman could have left for other reasons. However, you now have time to make yourself better: start playing sports, improving professionalism, mental abilities, etc.
4. Take care of yourself. And start by stopping hurting yourself with your thoughts.
5. Stop stalking your ex. In general, try not to be interested in her. Why do you need this?
6. Meet new people. There is no need to start a new relationship if no one is interested in you yet. Simply communicating with people who do not know what happened to you will be enough.

How to finally get over a breakup?

If the relationship has broken down, you should accept it. Be mindful of how you spend your time and be accountable for your decisions. Don't feel sorry for yourself, it will only make your worries worse. Remember that you do not have to suffer because of a breakup, as is customary in society. You can throw away your worries and not pay attention to them.

Almost all people are familiar with the phenomenon of separation. When a relationship breaks down, the question inevitably arises of how to survive it. It is in this matter that many people have many problems, since starting a relationship is much more pleasant than breaking it off.

The online magazine site attributes a breakup to loss as a person goes through 5 stages of coming to terms with reality:

1. Negation. At first the person cannot believe what happened. He still hopes that his beloved partner will return and they will make peace. But time passes, the relationship is not renewed, which is why the next stage begins.
2. . Here a person begins to treat himself and his ex-partner aggressively. He begins to look for those to blame, blaming himself or his ex-partner for the destruction of the relationship.
3. Bargain. At this stage, the person is trying to somehow reconcile his anger and is even thinking through a plan for resuming the relationship. It is not uncommon here to dream about how the partner will call, he will put forward conditions that will allow them to live together again.
4. . When reality inexorably speaks of the absence of a relationship, a person slowly agrees with it. This puts him into a depressive state - awareness of a broken relationship.
5. New life. If a person calmly goes through all the previous stages, then over time he comes to the idea that he needs to move on with his life. It is at this stage that he lets go of the past and begins to dream about the future, to live again.

Breaking up a relationship is never a pleasant experience. Everyone experiences pain and the desire to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Typically, feelings about separation last from three months to 3 years, which depends on many factors (for example, the presence of feelings for a former partner, character, memories, lifestyle, etc.).

If your ex-partner doesn’t want to come back, it means that his feelings for you have already cooled down or he is very disappointed. In this case, you will either have to return it yourself, or resign yourself to the final one.

When a breakup occurs, pain causes the need to change the usual way of life. The person is already accustomed to the way he lived while in a relationship. Now we need to change everything again and get used to a free life, which is not always what a person wants.

How exactly to survive and get through the breakup stage? Many people say that you just need to calm down and wait a little. They are right, but partially. After all, while you are waiting and relaxing, a person more than once tries to return to the past in order to again think about what happened.

So, how do you get over a breakup?

1. Let go of past relationships.

If you lost your favorite thing, how long would you grieve? You would be upset, remember it a little, but then decide to replace it with a new thing or simply forget that you had it. So, why don't you do the same with past love relationships? Yes, you loved, you had common plans. But life has changed, your loved one has left or you have left him. Now you have an empty space where relationships were previously built. And only you can decide what you will now build on it: cherish and grieve, contemplating an empty place, or build a new relationship with another person?

1. Don't keep your feelings to yourself.

Allow yourself to talk about the past, get angry and cry if you want. And most importantly, allow yourself to love your ex-partner, if you still love him. Just because you have feelings, you don’t have to run away and get your partner back. If you understand that the relationship cannot be renewed, but you still love, then allow yourself to realize all this. Yes, you love, but you cannot be with your loved one. But don't limit yourself, don't try to run away from your own feelings. Learn to live with them, and perhaps soon you will be able to give these feelings to another person.

1. Love yourself.

Remember that you have you. , please yourself, support yourself. Don't feel like you've lost or failed because of the breakup. This is a misconception. You had a relationship, but it ended. However, you gained invaluable experience with your ex-partner, which you might not have gotten if you had nothing. Therefore, appreciate what happened before, but also value yourself in the present. You have you: value and love yourself.

1. Give yourself some time.

Naturally, time helps if you allow yourself to worry about what happened and are committed to a bright future. Allow yourself to simply get used to the new state when you are free (not alone, but free!).

1. Keep yourself positive.

Namely, set yourself up to the fact that you can still make what you want from a relationship come true. Only this will happen with a new partner. Therefore, just be prepared for the fact that soon you will be overwhelmed by love again, and you will have to once again make your desires come true.

The cause of suffering for people who are at the stage of separation or who have already gone through this stage is. Please note that you may not love your partner, dream of a different future not connected with him, or for you the desire of your loved one to leave is like a bolt from the blue, although you completely support yourself financially, etc. But for some reason you continue relationship or trying to bring back an already broken union, just so as not to be lonely and abandoned to the will of fate.

At such moments a person is overcome by fear. And those who cannot cope with it succumb to it, trying to return or preserve what no one needs, just to avoid facing an unpleasant reality.

In addition to the fear that everyone understands, the reluctance to be free and the inability to be so, a person is also overcome by one fear. A person is afraid or simply does not want to change his previous lifestyle, which he developed with a former partner, to one that will satisfy him when he is left alone. A person does not have other strong interests that could distract him from the desire to return or maintain an outdated relationship. In other words, the individual is afraid that he will be left alone and will have to change his lifestyle, plans, and daily routine all over again in order to feel like a happy and full-fledged person without his beloved partner.

Why is it so scary after a breakup? Because you don't know what lies ahead. But this is not even known when you are in a loving relationship: you do not know when you or your partner will want to end the union. Therefore, you should understand that parting is the loss of only one person - your ex-lover or sweetheart. Everything else remains with you: body, soul, feelings, plans for the future, friends and loved ones, home, money, etc. You just need to learn to live in a new way, without a loved one, make plans yourself and achieve them. And don’t even think about loneliness, because as soon as you start acting, you will forget about it.

How can a woman cope with a breakup?

Psychologists will tell you how to survive a breakup for a woman:

1. Put on the mask of a successful woman. Stop grieving and talking about your troubles. Start living.
2. Don't be offended by your ex. Forgive the man. He has the right to his happiness, even if it is not with you.
3. Stop thinking about a future that includes your ex-beau. Your future should exclude it completely. Stop dreaming about revenge, about how you will meet and amaze him with your beauty.
4. Understand the opportunities that have opened up for you as a result of gaining freedom. Not everything was allowed to you in your relationship with your man. Now you are free. Start making your dreams come true.
5. Start making yourself happy with something. It doesn’t matter what it will be - throwing yourself into work, shopping, hanging out with friends, meeting new men, etc. The main thing is that you enjoy what you do.

How can a man survive a breakup?

If a breakup occurs unexpectedly or due to some stupidity, it comes as a shock to a man. Breaking up leads to a feeling of emptiness inside. This is especially acute for people of the dependent type. If a man depends on a woman, then he does not love her, but rather does not love himself. That is why it becomes unbearable for him to experience the separation.

1. Do physical work or go to the gym to burn off energy.
2. Don't take a breakup as the end of your life. You continue to live, which means there is still a lot of new things ahead.
3. Don't be alone with yourself. Start spending time with friends more often.
4. Don't follow your ex's life. Don't go to her page at all.
5. Eliminate everything from your life that reminds you of your ex. Delete phone numbers, joint photos and other attributes.
6. Meet more new people. Don't run away from dating women.
7. Keep yourself busy with something interesting.

Bottom line

Human history is often replete with such love stories, when the relationship of two people falls apart due to some ridiculous quarrels. Either because of jealousy, or because of another scandal, or because of viewing messages from a loved one, or because of refusal to relax the way the partner wants, the couple separates, ending the relationship completely. How can this be? After all, before these events, the partners went through and solved more complex problems. They could not be separated by evil tongues or temporary misunderstanding of each other. How can one random and absurd mistake easily destroy something that was previously preserved and built?

Perhaps such an incomprehensible incident occurred in your life that, due to an accidental offense that could not lead to separation, your relationship nevertheless fell apart. This often happens for one of three main reasons:

• Encountering an imperfect person.

People very often succumb to such a phenomenon as creating an ideal image of a loved one. Many of them not only cherish their fictional image when they are alone, but also impose it on the real partner with whom they build a relationship. In other words, the person does not see the real man or woman he is dating. He builds a relationship with the ideal image that he has imposed on his beloved. And so, when a person suddenly encounters an act of a partner that contradicts his ideal image, he takes off his “rose-colored glasses” and realizes that in fact his beloved is not ideal.

The collision of a fictional image with a completely earthly person can hit so hard that the individual does not immediately come to his senses. And here everything depends on him. Will he be able to accept his partner as an ordinary imperfect person? Will he be able to forgive the offense that prompted the destruction of his image, which he himself imposed on a real person? Would he even want to continue building a relationship with someone whom he had not noticed before, but was still nearby? If a person is not ready to live with a real partner, the way he is in life, then the relationship will collapse.

• Lack of trust.

Trust is very easy to destroy, but difficult to earn! This is exactly what a person faces when his partner shows distrust of him through his actions. Surveillance, interrogations, inquiries, checks - all this is a hidden form of distrust in a partner. And it is possible that your offense could include a certain amount of distrust of your partner. You were jealous or began to dig into something, which led to the idea that you do not trust your loved one. How can you build harmonious relationships if there is no trust?

This kind of misconduct undermines a person’s belief that he is loved. He wants to build a relationship with a faithful, loving and trusting partner, but he is faced with the exact opposite situation. As long as you don’t trust, you take the position of a “victim” who is unable to form a happy union on equal terms with your loved one. It is this understanding that leads to the idea of ​​not renewing the relationship.

• The last quarrel as a reason.

Very often the last quarrel is just a reason to break up. In fact, your partner has been dissatisfied with something for a long time and was thinking about breaking up with you, but he lacked the strength or determination to take such a step. And the last conflict situation, no matter how ridiculous it was, was just a reason not to return to a relationship with you.

In this case, you need to figure out what the true reasons for your separation were. And they should be looked for in your partner’s previous quarrels and discontents that happened before the last quarrel and separation.

Letting go and forgetting a long-term relationship after a breakup can be difficult. It doesn't matter who initiated the breakup, you or your partner. After a breakup, numerous memories, feelings, and connections with people remain. But for the sake of your well-being, letting go of these relationships is healthy and even necessary. Someday you will feel like a whole being again and be able to open your heart to a new person. In order to effectively overcome the consequences of breaking up a long-term relationship, you should take care of yourself, engage in self-development, and also learn to behave appropriately towards your ex-partner.

Steps

How to overcome emotional pain

Allow yourself to grieve. When going through a breakup, it is important to overcome the emotional turmoil. Allow yourself to feel grief, sadness, anger. These are normal and completely natural emotions that remain after a breakup. Give yourself enough time to grieve and recover at your own pace. Take care of your emotional needs.

• If you want to stay home and cry into your pillow, do it.
• To accept your emotions, you can tell yourself: “Yes. I feel bad right now. And that's okay. I’m going through a difficult period right now.”
• In order to get in touch with your emotions and experience suffering, it is important to accept your emotions without judging or trying to change them. Sit down, give free rein to your emotions, observe how they make you feel. What do you feel in your body? This information will allow you to determine exactly how you feel and help you adequately process your feelings.

1. Talk about it. Accept help and support from your social environment. This will help you through the healing process after a breakup. Being able to voice your feelings out loud to people you trust will speed up your emotional healing, not to mention the support you may receive from those who care about you. It is important to admit that you are hurting. Pouring your heart out will help it thaw in the future.

   • Invite a boyfriend or girlfriend over so they can support you during this time. You could sit together in your pajamas and watch a movie. Use this time to talk to your friend and discuss your feelings about the breakup.
   • Go to a cafe with a friend or family member, drink a cup of coffee, have a snack.

   EXPERT ADVICE

   Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a recovery camp that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing broken hearts. Her team of psychologists and coaches have helped hundreds of people in just 2 years, and the camp has been recognized by CNN, Vogue, The New York Times and Fortune for its innovative and scientific approach. Her debut book, Breakup Bootcamp, will be published by HarperCollins in January 2020.

   Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp

   Open up to people with caution. Amy Chan, founder of Renew Bootcamp Breakup, says, “When you're going through a breakup, be careful about asking people for advice. Family and friends often have the best intentions, but may not know enough to give advice and may also project their own biases or dysfunctional beliefs onto you.”

   Let your friends take care of you immediately after a breakup. Often your friends will try to keep you busy. And it will help you feel better. Let them know if this is the case. Having fun is a great way to feel better after a breakup.

   Write about it. To process the emotions and thoughts associated with a breakup, it can be helpful to write creative and expressive writing.

   • Write down what you think and feel about the breakup in a Word document or journal.
   • Try not to change statuses on social networks, or write on blogs or other Internet sites. Don't show off your feelings.
   • You can write your ex a letter that you will never send. Tell him how you feel. You won't have to worry about his reaction because you will never send him this letter.

2. Don't blame yourself. Those who blame themselves for the breakup may end up feeling sad, anxious, depressed, and even have poor health. Those who do not blame themselves are able to better process their emotions and view the negative events that have happened to them more realistically.

   Take a break. Sometimes after a breakup people begin to delve into themselves: “What could I have done better? Am I good enough? However, this only leads to even more stress and difficulties with emotional adaptation to the new situation.

   Focus on your personal growth

   1. Focus on yourself. A new relationship can expand your sense of self as you adapt to the other person. However, after a breakup, you may find it difficult to rediscover your uniqueness and find meaning in each day. Therefore, try to rediscover your essence and appreciate your individuality.

      Realize the positive consequences. Many people believe that breakups, while difficult and painful, ultimately lead to positive results. Think about what positive results your breakup could lead to. This will help you feel less sad or angry.

      • For example, your breakup gave you the opportunity to focus on school, work, or other responsibilities. Some people report that a breakup gives them more freedom.
      • You may also have personal positive consequences, for example, you began to trust yourself more, became more self-sufficient, and were able to accept yourself.
      • In addition to influencing the world around you and your personality, you can improve your communication skills and gain valuable experience for future relationships (for example, the ability to admit when you are wrong).

   2. Learn from your mistakes. Some relationships break down due to partner dissatisfaction, unequal contributions, or mental attempts to find an alternative (“there are many fish in the sea”). People find it easier to leave a relationship if they feel strong social support outside of the relationship.

   Learn to communicate adequately with your ex

   Decide for yourself whether you want to remain friends. Those who were friends before a romantic relationship often remain friends after a breakup. You are unlikely to remain friends if you completely move away from each other after a breakup. In any case, you will need time to maintain distance and be alone.

   Keep your distance. Even if you decide to remain friends, it will be easier for you to get through this period if you don't see or talk to your ex.

   • At this stage, it will be useful to unfriend him on social networks, delete his number from your phone and try to communicate with him as little as possible.
   • If you and your ex want to remain friends, let him know that you need some time and that you'll let him know when you're ready to talk again.

   1. Get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex. It will be easier for you to cope with grief if you are not surrounded on all sides by things that remind you of it. If you let him go physically and virtually, it will be easier for you to let him go emotionally.

   2. If you ever run into him, be polite and brief. Turning the breakup into a constant battle will only cause you more pain.

      • If it's too painful for you to talk to your ex, try to move away from the situation so you don't have to talk to him. It is important to set boundaries during the healing process. If you don't want to talk to him, then you don't need to do it.
      • If you decide to talk to him, be polite and smile.
      • Show respect. If you behave aggressively, shout: “I hate you!”, throw various objects at your ex, this will not solve the problem.

   3. Keep good memories. Just because your relationship is over doesn't mean you need to erase it from your memory. The person you were in a relationship with had a big impact on you and your life, and you can appreciate that. This is especially helpful if you feel a lot of resentment and anger towards your ex. Focus on the good. This will help you overcome your grief and gain something positive from your ending relationship.

      • Forgive your ex for his mistakes. If you harbor a grudge, it will only make things worse for you, and the healing process may be significantly delayed. You don't need to tell him that you forgive him, either in person, over the phone, or otherwise. Just forgive him in your heart and it will have the desired effect.
      • Try not to go over happy moments in your memory. This will make you sad and prolong the grieving process.
   • Breakups are not easy. Don't think you can handle this overnight. Give yourself time and space to grieve and heal.
   • If the relationship has been long, don’t just break it off. Weigh the pros and cons. If one outweighs the other, you know what to do. Don't think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but also don't think you'll never meet anyone better or worse than your partner. Always try to think logically: a breakup hurts and you will need time to get over it.

   Sources

   1. http://search.proquest.com/openview/68a3a844afd95eee1b04de2e255c9836/1?pq-origsite=gscholar
   2. http://individual.utoronto.ca/sspielmann/Spielmann_MacDonald_Tackett_2012pdf.pdf
   3. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/08870440290025768
   4. http://ir.lib.uwo.ca/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3606&context=etd
   5. http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Michael_Wohl/publication/232525573_Looking_within_Measuring_state_self-forgiveness_and_its_relationship_to_psychological_well-being/links/02e7e537b80475092f000000.pdf
   6. http://dspace.library.uvic.ca:8080/bitstream/handle/1828/734/saffrey_2005.pdf?sequence=1&origin=publicationDetail
   7. http://arizona.openrepository.com/arizona/bitstream/10150/301658/1/azu_etd_12901_sip1_m.pdf
   8. http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Russell_Clayton/publication/237094566_Cheating_Breakup_and_Divorce_Is_Facebook_Use_to_Blame/links/0c960527a656bb672a000000.pdf
   9. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3472530/
   10. http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gary_Lewandowski_Jr/publication/227603396_Losing_a_selfexpanding_relationship_Implications_for_the_selfconcept/links/02e7e524c150269363000000.pdf
   11. http://www.researchgate.net/profile/erica_slotter/publication/261608857_me_ME_YUU_PARTNER_INFLUENCE_AND_INDIVIDAL_PRENFORT_PREDICT_REJEGECTION_OF_OSELF-SASP ECTS_AND_SELF-CONCEPT_Clarity_AFTER_REATIONSHIP_DISSOLUTION/LINKS/53D2444E0CF220632F3556.pdf

Breaking up a relationship is always stressful and quite difficult to cope with. Moreover, a break can occur both in healthy relationships and in neurotic ones. The breakup of a healthy relationship is easier to experience. In such cases, the couple is usually in dialogue; this decision is not a bolt from the blue. Most often, the decision to leave is made together, the partners are prepared for changes in life, everyone is confident in their abilities, expects the best from the future and is adapted to the new life. Of course, even if the decision was well-considered, it takes time to emotionally, physically and from an everyday point of view to separate from your partner and readjust to a new rhythm. And yet, in this case, all this is experienced as something that can be overcome and move on with life.

Breaking up neurotic relationships is more difficult. In this case, within the union there was no practice of confidential communication, open dialogue, where partners openly express their will and desires. Often partners do not even really know each other and do not seek to understand the motives and feelings of their partner. If the breakup and separation come as a surprise, it is highly likely that it was a neurotic relationship.

In this situation, the one who did not make the decision to leave is going through a difficult and traumatic experience. This can aggravate chronic psychological traumas, which will “finish off” a person already weakened by the breakup. Fortunately, this experience can become a turning point in understanding oneself and one’s needs, pathological attitudes and dysfunctional patterns in the field of love (and not only) relationships.

Where does all this come from?

Neurotic love, like toxic relationships, originates in childhood and reflects relationships with parents. For example, if a child suffered from the coldness of his parents, there is a chance that in adulthood he will look for the same partner. His ideas about love and relationships are associated with detachment, so the colder the better.

Another example: quite often depressed parents (or one of them) instill in their child a sense of guilt. This happens automatically and sometimes without parents realizing that the child constantly suffers from the fact that he cannot make mom or dad happy. Such a child will look for a partner who is difficult to please.

Neurotic relationships differ from healthy ones in that in the first the partner “loves” through suffering, because, unfortunately, he has no experience of relationships in which everyone is satisfied and happy. He loves those who do not value him, push him away and bring pain. Such relationships are based on the fact that a person rewatches the movies of the past over and over again: despite the fact that his partner is cold, nevertheless they are together, which means that it is similar to what happened to him in childhood - in his understanding, this is there is love that he associates with any kind of suffering, just not to be abandoned.

Therefore, when such a person is abandoned by his partner in adulthood, the picture of his childhood, in which he was not noticed, did not share warmth with him and did not pay due attention, comes to life. The biggest fear of his childhood came true - he was abandoned after all. The suffering that occurs in response is chronic trauma. They are so painful that they do not allow you to look at this situation differently and gain benefit from it, for example, recognize previous relationships as destructive, draw conclusions and still find that person who will honestly love you in return.

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Defense reactions of the psyche

If the separation led to the revival of old sores, psychological defenses will be the first thing to do to stabilize the mental state.

• Negation
  “No, this will pass and we will be together again!” A person who uses denial will selflessly look for signs that he is right. For example, a woman may convince herself that although her partner left her, he did not leave for another, which means he doesn’t love anyone and will soon come back.
• crowding out
  An abandoned partner may repeat to himself: “Nothing terrible happened, it will hurt and be forgotten.” However, this pain can drag on for several years and become chronic. Those who manage to repress unpleasant experiences may not pay attention to internal discomfort and feelings of unhappiness, as they are accustomed to this as their normal state.
• Regression
  This psychological defense mechanism can prompt a person to hysterics - a primitive form of removing responsibility for what is happening. Or, conversely, when regressing, a person can literally freeze: emotions, as well as will, appetite, desire to live, disappear. A period of depression may begin.
• Sublimation
  Well known to those who tend not to notice unpleasant experiences. By sublimating, a person can completely lose himself in work or any other activity that helps to forget and not think about the traumatic event.
• Acute reactions, aggression towards others and self-aggression
  If the tension in the psyche is high, it will look for a way out, for example, in the form of acute reactions: aggressive attacks, a harsh style of communication (for example, at work or while driving), angry posts on social networks, frequent sexual contacts that carry with them a feeling of disappointment, leaving alcohol and drugs.​

All these protections work unconsciously, that is, they appear not by the will and desire of a person, but automatically. The mind may say that drinking is bad, but the suffering can be so unbearable that any method that allows you to slightly increase the pain threshold becomes suitable.

There is another defense, located at the level of consciousness, which can be controlled and used at the right time. This is the so-called psychological compensation, which is expressed in adaptive behavior. For example, in order not to meet with an ex, they block him in the phone book, social networks, and avoid meeting him. The opposite situation also happens: in order to better navigate what is happening and get the most complete picture, a recent partner is placed in the field of view. Behind this there may be a desire to clarify everything down to the smallest details and once again make sure that “this is really happening.”

Whatever type of defense works, you need to remember that this is a natural reaction of the psyche to severe stress and defenses perform an important function - to protect it from destruction. It is important that after the defensive stage comes the grieving phase, when you accept the fact that everything is over and you can mourn your pain - all this is a natural process when working through the loss of a relationship with a loved one.

Ben Blennerhassett/Unsplash

How to help yourself

Breaking a relationship with a loved one is a big burden on the psyche. We don’t just say “my heart breaks” or “my soul hurts” - the body is actually experiencing serious psychophysiological stress. The cardiovascular system, digestion, hormonal balance, sleep and the ability to rest, the natural flow of the rhythm of day and night - all of this is affected.

During difficult changes in life, it is very important to remember that you are in an unusual state and, if possible, help yourself. Eat well, get enough sleep, do exercises to relieve stress, eat foods that give you strength and do not burden your body.

To be fair, it must be said that not at all stages of stress it is possible to do anything at all. Sometimes lying flat and staring at the wall is the best thing you can do to help yourself. If possible, take care of yourself - take time off from work and instead of cooking, order food at home. Try to prepare for yourself a space and time where you can fully surrender to your experiences.

In order for the loss process to proceed without complications and end, it is very important to honestly go through all its stages. After the first wave of shock has passed, the stage of aggression begins, interspersed with rationalization - the desire to talk with the partner again and again and thus improve the situation (the so-called bargaining stage). These stages can take different times - each person has an individual course, and, unfortunately, it is impossible to predict the duration.

One of the last stages is depression - not such an acute, but stable condition. It is easily recognized by loss of strength, dull feelings and reactions, inability to experience pleasure, sleep and appetite disorders. Despite the severe course, this is a very important period that prepares us for the final resolution of the situation - the stage of acceptance and the end of grief.

Unfortunately, there are no recipes for how to shorten the most painful stage, but to alleviate the condition, allow yourself to do whatever you want. If you want to leave, try to do so; if you want to lock yourself in the apartment, try to take sick leave. Do not neglect the help of others, but set the limits of what is permitted: tell your family and friends how they can be useful to you and how closely you are ready to communicate now. Ask not to discuss certain topics with you, not to give you surprises to “stir up” you, etc. Openly tell them what you need, from everyday needs to emotional needs. Your sincerity will help set up communication with friends and family who, unfortunately, do not always know how to behave correctly in such situations.

Jorge Flores/Unsplash

What is communication in a relationship and what does separation have to do with it?

Broken communication is one of the main reasons why partners move away from each other and cease to adequately assess the situation. To prevent this, pay attention to whether there is a reticence between you and your partner, a reticence of any feelings or facts, or maybe someone in your couple expects their thoughts to be read, and thus avoids responsibility ? Silence, ignoring, as well as references to social standards and generalizations (“You’re a man!” or “A wife should...”) destroy trust and intimacy. The peculiarities of your unique relationship can be replaced by “life principles” and public opinion about how things “should be”, which prevents you from following a special scenario that is suitable specifically for your couple.

Not only the degree of intimacy and honesty with each other (and with oneself), but also the style of resolving conflicts depends on correctly built communication. Family therapy is built on this idea: by coming into it, partners learn safe ways to express their desires, suffering, fears, learn to enter into conflict and resolve it. The therapist, like a referee, observes the dialogue and guides both partners to ensure that they receive results and satisfaction from the interaction.

If you feel that you no longer have the strength to explain what is happening between you, take a few sessions of couples therapy. It will become clear pretty quickly whether you need to continue working on the relationship or whether you should end it. It is important to remember that the therapist does not choose sides and will not support the play of one partner to the detriment of the other. The therapist acts as a translator between two people who, for some reason, began to speak different languages.

How to avoid a devastating scenario in the future

A favorable psychological climate in a relationship, among other things, depends on how clearly each partner understands his role, namely: why he is in this relationship and why he needs it.

Neurotic or toxic relationships are different in that they are used to reduce the degree of personal neuroses and work out personal problems. If both partners “coincide” in neuroses, the union can be stable and strong. For example, someone for whom it is important to exercise control over the person closest to them meets someone who, due to their own childhood traumas, happily accepts this control.

Another case is when one of the partners does not need to work out the pathological scenario and still meets a less stable person and serves as a constant source of “discharge and recharge” for him. Then the person who serves as a testing ground for working out neurosis will most likely want to give up the relationship that drains him.

Other roles we play in relationships can be learned through transactional analysis. The main idea of ​​this method is that each of us, in different life situations, takes the position of a “child,” “parent,” or “adult.” Each of these roles has its own characteristics, and by recognizing your patterns of behavior, you can correct your attitudes and inadequate expectations from relationships. This is important because a full-fledged and multifaceted strong union is possible when two “adults” meet who know their needs, boundaries and their weaknesses. Knowing these weak points allows you not to provoke situations where they can manifest themselves to the detriment of the couple.

All this sounds quite complicated, but in reality, in order to have a healthy and strong relationship, you do not need to have a wealth of knowledge in theoretical psychology. To choose the right partner, it is important first