Hostility hiding under external goodwill. Hidden hostility. Hostility and its masks

There is such knowledge that is vitally necessary. As long as a person does not have an idea of ​​some phenomenon, as long as he lacks a conceptual apparatus, the phenomenon can happen to him, but there will be no understanding of what is happening. Knowledge about manipulation and passive aggression is vital knowledge that should be taught even to children. I highly recommend books: George Simon "Who's in Sheep's Clothing?" and Albert Bernstein's Emotional Vampires.

"Manipulators are the type of people who are willing to make any effort to achieve their goal, but do everything possible to hide their aggressive intentions.[...]

When emotional suffering causes victims of hidden aggression to seek help for the first time, they usually have little idea why they feel so bad: they simply feel confused, anxious or depressed. However, gradually they come to understand that the presence of a certain person in their life is driving them crazy. They don't trust this person, but they can't explain why. They are angry with him, but at the same time they themselves feel guilty. They try to conflict with him because of his behavior, but ultimately they themselves find themselves on the defensive. People feel depressed and desperate because they make concessions when they intended to insist, and they say “yes” when they want to say “no,” and all attempts to change the situation are in vain. Contact with such a person always leaves them with a feeling of confusion, a feeling that they have been used. [...]

Hidden and passive aggression
Passive aggression, as the phrase itself implies, is aggression in inaction. Examples of passive aggression include various ways of taking emotional “revenge” on another person - refusing to cooperate with him, boycotting, showing resentment and dissatisfaction, complaining and whining, deliberately “forgetting” because you are angry or do not consider yourself obligated to cooperate, etc.
Hidden aggression, on the contrary, is very active, although it looks veiled. When someone acts covertly aggressive, they use calculated and cunning ways to get their way or get a desired reaction, but at the same time skillfully hide their intentions. [....]

It is extremely important to learn to see the inherent aggressiveness in manipulative behavior and to recognize the clever techniques with which manipulators direct their aggression in our direction. [...]

We are pre-programmed to believe that problematic behavior only occurs when a person is experiencing a storm of emotion or is seriously anxious about something. We were taught that people only act aggressively in response to some form of attack. Therefore, even when our instinct tells us that someone is attacking us for no good reason, simply trying to get the better of us, we are not ready to heed the warnings of our inner voice. As a rule, we are puzzled, trying to understand what has annoyed this person so much, forcing him to act so unbalanced. We immerse ourselves in analyzing the situation instead of simply responding to an attack. It almost never occurs to us that this may simply be a person’s desire to win what he needs, to insist on his own, or to become the master of the situation. And when we see him first and foremost as a victim, we get stuck trying to understand him instead of taking care of ourselves.[...]

How to recognize manipulation and control techniques *

Understatement.
This technique is a unique fusion of denial and rationalization. With its help, the aggressor tries to convince others that his behavior is not as harmful and irresponsible as someone might think. This is an attempt to make a molehill out of an elephant. Understatement clearly highlights the difference between a neurotic and a character disordered person. A neurotic often makes a mountain out of a molehill, that is, he “catastrophizes” what is happening. An individual with character disorders often seeks to present his wrongful actions as something insignificant. The purpose of this technique is to make the person who is trying to resist the manipulator consider his criticism too harsh and exaggerated, and his assessment of the situation as unfair. Minimizing is not so much a way of reassuring yourself about your own behavior as it is a way of manipulating your impression of that behavior. They don't want you to see them as outright scoundrels. It is important to remember that they themselves are quite happy with their aggressive behavior, so the main task here is to convince you that there is nothing reprehensible in their behavior.

Lie.
Manipulators and other individuals with character disorders have refined lying to a high art. It is important to remember that individuals with character disorders lie often, sometimes simply for sport, and do it willingly even when it would be entirely possible to get by with the truth. Lies by default- a very elusive type of lie used by manipulators. The same can be said about lie by distortion. The manipulator withholds an important part of the truth or distorts some essential elements in order to leave you in the dark. One of the most subtle types of distortion is vagueness. This is a favorite tactic of manipulators. They carefully craft the story to make it seem like you have the information, but at the same time omit important details that would allow you to reconstruct the whole picture.

Negation.
Denial is the abuser's refusal to acknowledge harmful or hurtful actions that he has clearly committed. Thus, he lies (both to himself and to others) about his aggressive intentions. Reception "Who am I?!" makes the victim, who is trying to resist the aggressor, doubt the validity of his actions. In addition, the aggressor thereby gives himself permission to continue in the same spirit. The manipulative technique of denial is a maneuver through which the aggressor forces those around him to stop, retreat, and perhaps even blame himself for injustice.

Selective inattention.
The aggressor ignores warnings, requests, desires of others and, more broadly speaking, everything that can distract him from the implementation of his intentions. Using the “I don’t want to hear about it!” technique, the aggressor, as a rule, knows perfectly well what you need from him. With this technique, he actively resists attempts to attract his attention and force him to refrain from behavior that needs correction.

Rationalization.
Rationalization is the bully's attempt to justify behavior that he knows was inappropriate and harmful. This technique can be very effective, especially if the explanation or justification sounds meaningful enough for any decent person to believe it. Rationalization not only removes internal obstacles, muffling the remorse that the aggressor might have, but also allows him to avoid accusations from other people. If the aggressor manages to convince you that his actions are justified, this frees his hands and allows him to continue moving towards his goal without interference.

Evasion.
A moving target is more difficult to hit. When we try to push the manipulator to the wall, or keep the discussion on something that does not suit us, he brilliantly changes the subject, evades and fusses. Magicians have long known that if you distract the viewer's attention, you can completely unnoticed hide something in your pocket or remove it from there. Manipulators use distraction and evasion techniques to confuse us, preventing us from focusing on their behavior and calmly continuing with their hidden intentions. Sometimes this happens subtly. You can argue with a manipulator on a very important issue, and a minute later catch yourself inexplicably slipping into a discussion of a completely different topic.

Prevarication.
With the help of this technique, closely related to evasion, the manipulator tries not to allow himself to be driven into a corner by giving random answers to a direct question or otherwise obfuscating the topic. An implicit but effective option for prevarication is deliberate vagueness. Hidden-aggressive individuals masterfully give vague answers to simple, “head-on” questions. Here you need to keep your eyes open: sometimes the vagueness is not obvious, and you think that you have received the answer, although this is not the case.

Hidden threat.
Aggressors often threaten their victims to maintain a state of anxiety, intimidation, and compliance. They put forward counter-arguments with such force and passion that they force their opponents to go on the defensive. As for covertly aggressive individuals, they intimidate their victims mainly veiled threats. This allows you to force others to defend themselves without openly threatening or demonstrating obvious hostility. For covertly aggressive individuals, it is important to get their way while saving face.

Inducing feelings of guilt.
This is one of the two favorite techniques in the arsenal of hidden aggressive individuals (the second is an appeal to conscience). This is a special type of intimidation. Aggressive individuals know very well that other people (especially neurotics) are very different from them in the structure of their conscience. They also know that a full-fledged conscience is accompanied by a developed ability to experience shame and guilt. Manipulators masterfully use their knowledge to present themselves as more respectable than the victim and thereby drive him into a subordinate position, causing him to worry and doubt himself. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.
Aggressive personalities of all stripes often and effectively use guilt pressure for manipulation, which serves as an excellent illustration of the fundamental differences in character between them and all other personality types (especially neurotics). The manipulator only needs to hint to a conscientious person that he is not caring enough, too selfish, etc., and the victim immediately begins to feel terrible. On the contrary, a conscientious person can try until he is blue in the face to make the manipulator (or an aggressive person, or a person with a character disorder) feel remorse, admit the wrongfulness of his actions, take responsibility - everything will be in vain.

Reproach, or appeal to conscience.
It is a way of reinforcing another person's self-doubt or fear through subtle sarcasm and derogatory criticism. Covert-aggressive individuals use this technique to make the enemy feel inferior, unworthy, and ultimately make concessions. This is a good way to create an inescapable feeling of inferiority in the weaker party, which allows the aggressor to maintain a dominant position for as long as desired.
Hidden-aggressive individuals skillfully use appeals to conscience in its most subtle form. Sometimes this technique slips through only in a glance or intonation. Through rhetoric, subtle sarcasm, and other methods, they can make you feel a burning shame for even attempting to challenge them.

Playing the role of the victim.
The essence of this technique is to present yourself as a victim of circumstances or someone else's actions in order to evoke sympathy, arouse pity and thereby receive something from others. One of the principles that covertly aggressive individuals rely on is that less hostile and insensitive people usually cannot bear to watch someone suffer. So, this technique is very simple: convince your victim that you are suffering in one way or another, and he will try to alleviate your suffering. The ease with which one can play on the sympathy of conscientious, sensitive, caring people is their weak point.

Denigration of the victim.
This technique is often used in conjunction with playing the role of the victim. The aggressor uses it to pretend that he is only responding to aggression from the true victim - that is, defending himself. This helps the aggressor force the victim to defend himself. The technique of denigrating the victim is the most powerful tool for making someone unconsciously defensive and at the same time masking their own aggressive intentions and actions.

Disguise as service.
Covert-aggressive individuals use this technique to hide selfish plans under the guise of serving a noble goal. This is a common, but difficult to recognize tactic. Under the guise of hard work for the benefit of others, covertly aggressive individuals smuggle in their own ambition, lust for power and desire to occupy a dominant position.

Projecting guilt (blaming others).
Aggressive individuals are always looking for ways to shift responsibility for their aggressive behavior onto others. Covert-aggressive individuals are not only excellent at finding scapegoats, but they do it so subtly that it is difficult to catch them by the hand.

Ostentatious innocence.
The manipulator demonstrates ostentatious innocence when he tries to convince you that any damage he caused was accidental or that he did not do what he is accused of. This technique is designed to make you doubt your assessment of the situation and perhaps even your sanity. Sometimes this tactic is so subtle that it appears only as an expression of surprise or indignation on the manipulator's face at the moment when he confronts you. But even the facial expression is designed to make you wonder, in hindsight, whether you were right to point out this person's bad behavior.

Displayed ignorance or embarrassment.
This technique is closely related to ostentatious innocence and looks like this: the manipulator acts as if he is aware of what you are talking about, or is confused by the important issue to which you are trying to attract his attention. Thus, the manipulator is “playing the fool”, trying to force you to doubt your sanity. All types of individuals with character disorders tend to resort to ostentatious ignorance or embarrassment. This is a very effective way to veil your malicious intent. Remember that all individuals with character disorders (and especially aggressive individuals) are very purposeful individuals who strive to achieve their intentions at all costs and use the described techniques consciously, prudently and intentionally. Although they will often claim that they “don’t know” what you mean when you make these claims, or “don’t understand at all” why they did something you found offensive, it’s important not to fall for this ploy of perceived ignorance.

Demonstrative anger.
According to conventional wisdom, anger is an involuntary emotional reaction that precedes aggression. But deliberate displays of anger can be a very effective and well-calculated tool of intimidation, coercion and ultimately manipulation.
Moreover, when it comes to the behavior of an aggressive person, it would be a mistake to assume that anger necessarily precedes aggression. Aggressive individuals use open expressions of anger to intimidate and manipulate others. Initially they have no anger. They just want what they want and get angry when they don't get it. In this case, they begin to use any techniques to remove the obstacle from the path. Sometimes the most effective technique is to demonstrate sufficient emotional intensity and fury to shock the other person into submission." (c)

From D. Simon's book "Who's in Sheep's Clothing?"

* given with my abbreviations.

I will add on my own behalf.
Reading Simon's book for the first time, I caught myself thinking, how can I understand who is the manipulator and who is the victim? I often come across such a phenomenon as “everyone has their own truth.”
Now I have an answer to this question. In interpersonal relationships between two people, it is possible to determine what social roles they have. For example, mother-daughter, husband-wife, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, friend-friend, boss-subordinates, grandmother-grandson, etc. Each role has an obvious set of functions unique to that role. Anyone who does not perform functions in accordance with his social role is manipulating.

For example, a child has problems with school performance. The mother learns the homework, the grandmother helps with the homework (practically she does it herself) - in this case the child manipulates. Another thing is that in this story, for some reason, one of the members of the family system needs it. But more on that another time.

This kind of thing happened to me. While sorting through my communications, I found one huge hole.

There is open hostility. When another person is openly rude to you, rude, threatening, that’s all. It’s clear to me what to do with this.

But there is hidden hostility. Despite the fact that it is difficult to verify, it is felt very clearly, I think you have also encountered it. Fortunately, there are a lot of manifestations of hidden hostility: from advice “you have to do this, I want the best for you” (in fact, he doesn’t want) to “oh, you’ve gotten so fat/lost”, blurted out not just out of place, but in such a way that you then stand and you think - what was it and why? Well, there are plenty of forms, actually. In general, it can be cut off in the following way - a person seems to say something socially acceptable, but it unsettles him, makes him unpleasant and evokes wtf thoughts in general. Quite often this is broadcast from the parental position of an elder and authoritative. There is another popular type - approaching “from below” from the series “wow, good for you, you are so successful and beautiful, but yay” - also hidden hostility as it is.

So here it is.
Firstly, I realized that I often simply let this hidden hostility through because I don’t recognize it right away. OK. It’s also clear what to do with this - listen to your feelings.
Secondly - and this is a concern - I don’t know what to do when you cut off this hostility. It’s really disguised as care/participation/authoritative advice and I simply don’t have the wording that would help me more or less beat it off as it approaches and return it to the author without getting into it myself. I’m not a very sparkling person in terms of sharp and quick answers; I’m more comfortable with established strategies.

Now I’ve reached one working strategy - asking “why are you telling me this now and for what purpose?” and it works, although it ultimately leads to the situation “I didn’t want anything like that, everything seemed to you, pfft, insult!” and removes the bearer of hidden hostility away from you. This strategy has one drawback - it consumes resources that are spent on this very conversation.

Are there any other universal formulations you use?

P.S. And one more important point. I now realized that I don’t give such people a blow out of a strange illusion that it will be possible to build normal, smooth communication with them. But now I’m looking through the options and I understand that I built normal communications precisely with the people with whom I was in an open clinch (if we talk about a hostile relationship). But with hidden hostility, communications were all rotten, and even though some lived for a while, they still ended in some kind of bue in the end. So I’m wondering: is it just me or, in principle, healthy communication with a person in such a position is impossible.

Emotions can be divided into simple and complex. A simple emotion has only one sensual connotation: either pleasure or pain. Complex emotions combine elements of both pleasure and pain. Sadness and compassion, for example, are complex emotions. Two or more emotions can combine to form a more complex response. In particular, resentment combines anger and fear. Value judgments are often superimposed on a particular feeling, giving rise to what I call a conceptual emotion. This category includes guilt, shame and vanity.

Subtle emotional reactions of a person sometimes cannot be determined at all. It is impossible to describe in words all the shades of feelings that a person is capable of experiencing. It is not my intention to analyze every possible emotional reaction. However, some of them are important for understanding human personality. It is on these feelings that we will focus our attention.

There are two pairs of simple, opposite emotions. The first pair are fear and anger; the second is love and hate. Between the poles of the second pair are all the feelings that can be grouped under the headings “acceptance” and “hostility.” Basically, these feelings characterize our attitude towards other people, although we can talk about love and hatred in relation to objects and situations.

Acceptance is an attitude towards the world and other people, accompanied by a positive attitude and pleasant expectations. It is expressed in the body as an expansive reaction: as a result of the expansion of peripheral blood vessels, blood flows to the surface of the body. This brings a physical sensation of warmth. The feeling of acceptance is characterized by such warmth. When talking about a person we like, we use the expression “warm relationship.” There are other physical manifestations of pleasure. The muscles become soft and relaxed, the heartbeat slows down, the pupils narrow, and so on.

The heat is concentrated mainly in the skin, which is abundantly saturated with blood. The result is a desire for physical contact with the person who is the object of these feelings. This contact could be a handshake, a hug or a kiss. All tender feelings have an erotic quality and serve as an expression of the erotic impulse, or Eros. The erotic component of acceptance can be recessive* or dominant. It is recessive in the case of friendly relationships and is dominant in sexual relationships. A pronounced erotic component is the result of a high degree of arousal focused on the erotic zones. There is also abundant blood flow to these areas.

Opposite feelings - namely those that can be designated as hostile - are also caused by the flow of blood, but moving in the opposite direction. There is an outflow of blood from the surface of the body, which causes a feeling of cold. All hostile feelings are characterized by coldness. A hostile person represses any warm feelings and becomes completely cold towards the other person. He loses all erotic desire, and the idea of ​​physical contact becomes disgusting to him. All hostile feelings are therefore tantamount to renunciation of feelings.

Neither acceptance nor hostility carries an aggressive attitude. Aggression is a function of the muscular system, which almost does not manifest itself in situations where the above-mentioned feelings arise. Although an aggressive component is often mixed into these feelings, translating them into concrete actions. For example, in the case of sexual interaction, such an addition is necessary in order for sexual intercourse to occur. When the element of aggression is combined with a hostile feeling, it results in an attack or attack, and this is different from a purely hostile reaction - characterized by coldness and indifference.

The word “aggressive” in the psychological sense is opposed to passivity. Aggression means movement towards a person or object, while the word “passive” means inhibition of such movement. A person can be aggressively hostile or aggressively accepting, just as he can be passive in expressing hostility or acceptance. Obviously, the word "active" cannot be used in this context as the opposite of passive, since it lacks the connotation of direction or purpose. An aggressive tennis player is determined to win, while an active player may not have such a goal.

A discussion and comparison of concepts such as friendliness and unfriendliness, as well as love and hatred will help demonstrate the polarity of feelings of acceptance and hostility.

Friendliness distinguishes our feelings towards a person whose preferences, opinions and attitudes are similar to our own, from the feelings we have towards a stranger. You can share pleasures with a friend. A person does not dare to do this with strangers. However, with every act of shared pleasure, the stranger becomes a friend.

The restraint demonstrated in relation to a stranger is clearly manifested in the behavior of older children. A small child who has not yet developed a sense of “I” does not differentiate among his peers. On the other hand, a newcomer in an already formed group of children will be treated with caution, and he himself will not dare to immediately approach the children. For some time he will observe their activities from a certain distance, gradually coming closer. When they get a little used to his presence, one of the children can invite him to join the general game. When this happens, it can be considered accepted.

An outsider becomes a violator of the peace and harmony that reigns in an already united group. Its presence may interfere with the usual expression of feelings and exchanges of impressions among group members, and therefore may cause some hostility or coldness. On the other hand, a stranger brings some novelty and excitement. Therefore, a certain interest arises in him, which will lead to the establishment of contact. Which of the two factors will most determine the reaction to the stranger depends on the characters of the group members. It is much easier for a confident person to accept a stranger than for an insecure person.

Friendliness toward strangers is more common among those who are pleasure-oriented than those who are obsessed with power. In general, we can say that when people feel good, they tend to be more receptive to strangers. Pleasure makes them friendly and open to new experiences. A stranger may be invited to a party, but in a company of people seeking power, he will most likely be persona non grata. People who are dedicated to the struggle for power do not trust strangers and are afraid of them. When pleasure is absent, the stranger is often met with hostility and even hostility. Many years ago I saw a cartoon that vividly illustrated a similar situation. Two rich Welshmen stood in a field, looking with gloomy faces at the stranger approaching them.

- Do you know him, Bill? - asked the first one.

“No,” answered the second Welshman.

“Throw a stone at him,” said the first.

Treating strangers hospitably is part of the teaching of the Judeo-Christian tradition, as well as several others. Modern civilization, with its limitless possibilities for travel and communication, it would seem, should destroy existing barriers between people. But only the appearance of this process is created. Under the mask of cordiality and cordiality with which a tourist is greeted, one can always notice hidden restraint and coldness towards a stranger on the part of people whose life is devoid of joy.

Chasing a stranger is an expression of hatred rather than simply unfriendliness. Being a suitable object for hostile feelings, he easily becomes the target of repressed hatred, the origins of which go back to painful experiences of childhood. People project onto a stranger those deep hostile feelings that were originally directed at parental figures, but were suppressed under the influence of guilt. The stranger becomes a scapegoat upon whom all hostile feelings can be poured out. Such transference usually receives social approval and is easily rationalized by the ego. The hostility with which a stranger is greeted may disappear on closer acquaintance, but it would be a mistake to believe that hatred of a stranger can be overcome by education and instruction.

Repressed hatred requires therapeutic work that can help release it. First, some form of analytical technique is needed that can bring repressed material into consciousness. Secondly, you need to work through and release the guilt that helps keep hostile feelings suppressed. And third, some means must be provided for the physical expression of hostility under controlled conditions to allow the underlying physical tensions to be discharged. When this happens, the person's ability to experience pleasure is restored, and "good feelings" become the body's natural state.

Love and hate are a well-known pair of opposites. You can well imagine how opposite they are if you remember that hatred is frozen love, that is, love that has turned to ice. When love turns to hate, it is not due to simple disappointment. Since love is based on the expectation of pleasure, in the absence of it it simply slowly fades. The rejected lover feels resentment, but not hatred. Hatred arises as a consequence of betrayal. If a person made a declaration of love that was accepted by another, then his heart opens completely, he completely trusts himself to another. Betraying his trust is like stabbing a knife into his heart. Betrayal causes a shock in a person, which paralyzes all his actions and blocks all feelings. This is similar to how foods are flash frozen, stopping all internal biochemical processes.

Only betrayal can turn a feeling of acceptance into hostility. Betrayal of friendship turns a positive feeling into hostility. As a result of the betrayal of trust, acceptance turns into hostility. The degree of hostility, accordingly, turns out to be proportional to the intensity of positive feelings invested in the relationship.

Feelings of sympathy and goodwill bring people together and create a true spirit of community, so that each person is concerned about the welfare of the other. Love is especially characterized by mutual care and mutual dependence. A person in love accepts his beloved into his heart and at the same time gives his heart to him. It is quite understandable why betrayal has such consequences. It causes a deep wound that heals very slowly and leaves a scar for life.

The most serious thing is the betrayal of a child by a parent, especially by a mother. A small child is not only completely dependent on his mother, but also completely open to her. The mother betrays him when she expresses hostility towards him or behaves destructively. As a result, the child has a feeling that he is not loved. Showing anger has no such consequences. Anger is a direct, open feeling that actually indicates interest. Hostility towards a child is a completely different matter. Hostility is never biologically justified, since the child is an extension of the mother. This is an expression of the mother's hatred of herself and the transference of that hostility, the source of which was the betrayal of the woman by her own mother.

Hostility toward a child usually occurs when the child no longer conforms to the parent's image of what a child should be. This image is also their unconscious, idealized image of their own self. If the child fails to live up to this image, the parent feels betrayed. The feeling of being betrayed turns parental affection into hostility, which subsequently causes a negative reaction in the child. This creates a vicious circle from which neither the parent nor the child finds a way out. Such an unfortunate situation can be avoided if parents clearly understand that their child, like any living being, is guided in his behavior by the sole principle of pleasure. Raising a child into a future member of a civilized society requires a creative approach based on the recognition of this principle - if we are to avoid the destructive consequences of parental hostility.

Hate contains within itself the possibility of love. If, for example, the betrayal is forgiven, then the person thaws and the flow of his feelings resumes. This often happens in the later stages of therapy. At the very beginning of therapy, each patient gradually becomes aware of repressed hostility or hatred towards his parents, caused by their betrayal. These negative feelings are then released as described above. After the release of all tensions and the emergence of positive feelings, the patient can accept the fact that the mother's behavior was determined by her own upbringing and can forgive her. He now experiences genuine affection for his mother instead of the forced love with which he was burdened. Hatred gradually gives way to love also outside of therapeutic sessions, when an honest exchange of feelings and genuine reconciliation occurs.

There are also cases where the initial reaction of hatred was spontaneously replaced by love. This development of events can be explained by the fact that a strong attraction has always existed, but its flow was hampered by the fear of betrayal. This fear can be expressed as follows: “If I allow myself to love you, you will turn away from me and hurt me, so I hate you.” As the feeling of fear decreases in further contacts, love blossoms. Fear of betrayal can also be hidden behind excessive jealousy, causing a person to watch every step of a loved one with suspicion.

Mental trauma affects a person at different levels of the individual-personal organization, including at the level of the worldview. What is meant by a picture of the world in this context? In English terminology there is the phrase “assumptive world”, that is, the world of human assumptions about reality. The picture of the world is understood as the totality of his ideas about himself and about external reality, as well as about the relationship between “I” and external reality. Such ideas are called basic beliefs. As applied to mental trauma, the concept of core beliefs was developed by the American researcher Ronnie Yanov-Bulman. She described a conceptual system for representing the relationship between man and the world through several basic beliefs.

1. Basic belief about the benevolence/hostility of the world

The first is the belief about the benevolence/hostility of the surrounding world, which reflects the attitude towards the world in terms of good/hostile or good/bad. In general, the internal concept regarding the world of most adults, healthy people who do not suffer from depression or any other disorders, is that there is much more good in the world than bad, that people in general can be trusted, that in difficult situations, as a rule, people ready to help.

This basic belief in the context of studying trauma is divided into two types: the first is the benevolence/hostility of the personal world, that is, people, and the second is the benevolence/hostility of the non-personal world, that is, nature.

2. Ideas about justice, self-worth and luck

The second basic belief is the so-called belief of justice. This is a very complex construct, it correlates differently with a person’s psychological well-being, but nevertheless, according to research results, most people believe that, in general, good and bad events in the world are not distributed randomly, people are able to control what happens to them, life influences to this, and in general, if a person is good and does mostly good things, mostly good events will and should happen in his life. Thus, the factor of chance is eliminated to some extent.

The third basic belief concerns the “I” of a person. This includes the idea of ​​self-worth, that is, how worthy a person is of love and self-respect from other people. These are internal, deep structures. Here Yanov-Bulman also includes a person’s ideas about his ability to control what happens to him, to control situations in his life, to influence them, to manage them, that is, to be to some extent the master of his life.

Another belief that somewhat contradicts the previous one is the belief about luck. A person may believe that he is weak, incompetent, that he cannot control his life, but nevertheless he can be lucky in life. If we take adult healthy people, then if we combine all these basic beliefs, their concept sounds like this: “There is much more good in life than bad, and if bad happens, it happens somewhere on the periphery, on the TV screen, not with me, not around me and perhaps with those who did something wrong.”

3. Sources of basic beliefs

Where do basic beliefs come from? It is believed - and this is shared by the main theoretical psychological concepts - that these basic ideas about oneself and the world exist in an infant at a preverbal level already by about 8 months. The child has deep unconscious ideas about how friendly the world is to him, how ready it is to respond to his needs.

Thus, a small child already has some foundations for a basic picture of the world, and during his life these foundations may change slightly. But in general, these beliefs are considered to be very stable, in contrast to more superficial beliefs and ideas. For example, a person’s idea that he is a good professional is, in one way or another, constantly empirically verified and corrected, and its changes do not cause us any difficult and serious experiences. A system of basic beliefs, if they are generally positive, provides a person with a feeling of relative invulnerability and security.

4. Mental trauma: violation of basic beliefs

When an extreme stressful event occurs that threatens a person’s existence, a stable and reliable support - the picture of the world - is disrupted. The person begins to feel in a state of chaos because the world is no longer friendly and trustworthy, and the person no longer feels as strong, competent, or in control of what happens to him, because, as a rule, traumatic events occur suddenly. We cannot say that the picture of the world is collapsing, but it is undergoing serious changes. Further, according to the mechanisms of formation of new cognitive structures, either assimilation of this event must occur, that is, the event must be inscribed in the picture of the world, or accommodation, that is, a change in the picture of the world to suit new conditions. Work in the post-traumatic period consists of restoring the picture of the world.

Recovery does not occur completely, and usually after experiencing a severe traumatic event, if the outcome is good and there are no serious violations, the concept of peace sounds something like this: “The world is generally friendly, and there are a lot of good people in it, and it generally treats me well, but doesn’t always happen.”

In the post-traumatic period, people tend to look for new meanings and meanings of a traumatic event in order to fit it into the picture of the world. Research results show that people tend to compare themselves with other people who experienced the same events, but found themselves in a more difficult situation, for example, they also lost property as a result of a flood, but their losses were greater. In general, this helps to fit this traumatic situation into the picture of the world, and people begin to look for new meanings in this situation.

5. Post-traumatic personal growth

Since the early 90s, research has been conducted on post-traumatic personal growth. In particular, it was found that some people, after experiencing mental trauma, experience serious personal changes towards greater personal maturity and revaluation of values. These changes affect, firstly, the image of “I”, that is, after experiencing a disaster, a person feels stronger, more worthy and more competent; secondly, there is a change in the philosophy of life, that is, after a trauma, oddly enough, people begin to feel more alive and begin to appreciate what previously seemed insignificant.

The last group of changes after trauma concerns relationships with other people. Thus, a positive change in the image of “I”, changes in relationships with other people in the form of greater intimacy, mutual support and a change in life philosophy are areas of growth that we can work on, in particular, in psychocorrection, trauma psychotherapy.

Hidden: 1) Covered or covered; hidden. 2) hidden; secret; secret.

Hostile: 1) Hostile or pertaining to the enemy. 2) feeling or showing hostility; antagonistic.

American Heritage Dictionary

The main problem with 1.1 is that it doesn't have a neon sign telling you it's 1.1.

This is the hidden tone - the most difficult to recognize on the scale. Once you do identify it, don't expect the next 1.1 you come across to bear much resemblance to this one.

ITS MULTIFACES

He can be a cheerful, sociable jester, the “life of the party.” She's the inconspicuous little spinster who never forgets your birthday. He can be a cheerful, noisy salesman. A clever swindler. A witty columnist who writes an entertainment gossip column. The luxurious office Don Juan, who could be the smiling lady in the next office who knows all the delicate details about her co-workers. He is a lover who is cheerful and tenderly in love one minute and contemptuously sarcastic the next minute. He is a clever swindler who has been posing as a surgeon for fifteen years. He is a mild-mannered homosexual. Or that nice young man who "never said a bad word to anyone" but who was found guilty of six horrific sex crimes. Or the newspaper reporter who seemed so friendly until his article (full of vile innuendo) came out. And here we find that nice bank president who embezzled $100,000 and went to Brazil with a dancer. He may be a sensitive poet, a courteous millionaire, or a charming vagabond who earns his livelihood by hook or by crook and has never worked in twenty years.

Wherever he goes, he will be wearing a mask. If you are generous in nature, you may be inclined to treat him with leniency. Do not do that.

In 1.1 we find an emotion that Ron Hubbard described as "the most dangerous and evil level on the tone scale." ( "The Science of Survival"") He is halfway between Fear (which is the reason for his tone) and Anger (which he must hide). His emotion dictates that he always smile and put on a good face, since he "knows" that we should never be angry At this level we find blatant lies used to avoid real communication. Such lies may take the form of feigned agreement (“what a great idea”), flattery (“that's a lovely dress, my dear”), or reassurance (“well.” , don't worry, I'll take care of everything"). 1.1 builds a deceitful facade, an artificial personality. He is a cheerful hypocrite.

You won't need enemies. It would be better if you stayed away like a hermit. Don't trust him with your money, reputation or wife. This is a person who hates, but is unable to say that he hates. He betrays and expects to be forgiven. He will tell you that he was protecting you when, in fact, he was trying his best to ruin your reputation. He will rather hypocritically flatter you, waiting for his moment to destroy you. And he will find more ways to destroy you than I can think of and describe in one chapter.

1.1 expects special privileges or exceptions. He is the person who is most likely to assume that he can break the rules in a marriage, company, group or society.

At first we like 1.1 because it pretends to be so high pitched. But over time (unless we are in Sympathy) we despise him more and more. However, our disgust is sometimes difficult to explain because we can rarely pinpoint exactly what it is that the doll does that earns our contempt.

Despite his arrogance, he is such a accomplished actor that we can be fooled by his feigned modesty. Having power over all tones below him, he shamelessly uses them to convince us of his harmlessness and good intentions. In this way he manipulates people, always striving for hidden control. He may cry, beg, cajole, or sympathize; he may show contempt or disdain. But by playing all these performances, he is trying to destroy others in order to bring them down to a level where he can use them.

If you are angry with him, he will usually fall into Pacifying (going out of his way to do something for you or giving you gifts) or Grief ("I didn't mean any harm...") in order to crawl back into your confidence. . Consider that he knows your weak points and that he masterfully plays on them.

TALK

Here's a quick way to spot a 1.1: He tends to introvert you. This mostly happens in the first few seconds of meeting him. He says, "Oh, you've gained weight, haven't you?" or “I can’t understand what has changed in you...” On the phone, he can start a conversation with: “Your voice sounds funny, have you caught a cold?” Under the guise of friendly concern, these remarks are intended to direct your attention toward (and away from) yourself. Soon you will start explaining to yourself or worrying: “What happened to me?”

When meeting, 1.1 almost always tries to speak first in order to seize control of the conversation. If he throws his arrows first, there is less chance of anything being thrown at him. I once introduced two people to 1.1. As I did this, I wondered which of them would win in the inevitable rush to start the conversation first. Well, they both started talking at the same time and continued talking like that for at least a full minute, without listening to a word the other said. They suited each other well.

Covert Hostility peppers his conversation with little barbs thinly veiled as compliments (“this is a very tasty cake, almost the same as the ones they sell in the store”). It is 1.1 who launches the classic barb: “What a beautiful dress you’re wearing. I’ve been admiring it for years.”

He feels a constant, to the point of nervousness, need to reflect almost every comment. If you are trying to make a sincere statement or present a high-pitched idea, he will question it: “I see what you mean, but...” He will kindly correct your pronunciation and word choice (he is a fan of semantics), pull strings from your shoulder or insert a joke at your expense (usually with puns, he loves them). He uses every method imaginable to rip your communication to shreds. Of course (haha) he didn't mean you any harm. Just being friendly.

HONESTY

He lies even when there is no reason to lie. Facts are confused, twisted, or hidden as he loudly proclaims his honesty, ethics, and virtue. He can give you a "solemn promise" and at the same time hold a knife behind his back.

If you question his lie, he will probably tell you that it was just an elaborate joke.

A high-tone person can play the role of a spy and do it well (though he does not like to prevaricate). 1.1 is a born spy. If you want to make this guy come alive, give him a tempting situation that requires deception, deceit, insincerity, or distortion. Give him an excuse for spying, eavesdropping, stalking or secret investigation and he will completely come to his senses.

When there is an opportunity to do something directly, 1.1 will not use it, it will not occur to him. He will come up with a roundabout method to do the same. I once worked in an office where the manager in 1.1 forbade emptying ashtrays into waste baskets. I assumed this rule was due to pickiness (or fire prevention concerns) until I learned that every night he rummaged through all the baskets before they were emptied (he even put scraps of paper together) so he could recognize what “really happened” in the office. He liked to discover someone's juicy details in this way. Of course, rumors spread, so the staff began to amuse themselves by throwing all sorts of wild, fictitious scraps of “evidence” into the baskets along with the waste.

Although 1.1 carefully conceals his own motives and actions, he is zealous in forcing the secrets of others to be revealed. This is the tone of a traitor and treachery. Having no respect for the privacy of others, he does not miss the chance to expose people (this is even more prevalent in the following tone: Lack of Empathy). The Covert Hostility, who has a "secret" love relationship, will try to let the facts come to the surface so that people discover it, especially where it will cause problems for his partner.

He is a genius at extracting information from others. Several years ago, I worked on secret research for a company. Only three of us knew the true nature of this project and none of us were unintelligible talkers. So I was surprised one day while having lunch with a switchboard operator when she casually said, “Yes, I understand what you found...” She was so close to the truth, it was hard to believe she was just guessing. I started denying that I knew anything about the subject and she said, "Oh, stop kidding me. Everyone knows what you're working on." Later I realized that she must have overheard some of the information from telephone conversations; the rest was her guess.

Even 1.1's guesses are made with the loud pretentiousness that he knows everything; in this way he often tempts his unsuspecting victim to talk too much.

SECRET TECHNIQUE

1.1 not only enjoys solving mysteries, he also enjoys creating them. He may even use a knowing, mysterious smile to confuse you. I once saw 1.1 looking through my friend's manuscript while he was tensely waiting for a comment. Having finished, 1.1 simply smiled slyly and said: “I will refrain from commenting. I’ll think about it.”

Hinting at hidden knowledge is a common method of a gossip. A person with a higher tone may convey news about friends, but he tries to stick to the facts. 1.1 embellishes the facts with additions that ring true. "Did you know that Joe and Phyllis broke up?" This may be a fact. But Mabel (1.1) will add: "Just between you and me, I wouldn't be surprised if she found out that she was secretly seeing Bill." Her all-knowing manner suggests that she is sure of more facts than she says.

GOSSIP

A chronic gossiper who likes to undermine reputations with half-truths, assumptions and conjectures is a 1.1. You may find her leaning against the backyard fence; you'll find him in the office leaning against the water cooler. This is often the tone of a reporter, journalist, and talk show host—one who uses his charm to gain the interviewee's trust before cutting him to pieces. It takes stoic discipline to resist the tricky questioning technique 1.1. Many years ago I moved into an apartment and bought the furniture of the previous tenants. A little later, my upstairs neighbor came to see me. “I see you bought their furniture,” she said.

I nodded and changed the subject. A few minutes later, she turned the conversation back to the furniture: “I think they were asking fifteen hundred dollars for it...” This statement hung in the air like a question, which created the perfect opportunity for me to correct or agree with it. Having already experienced her kindness before, I decided to extinguish her 1.1, so I just muttered, “Really?” and changed the subject.

1.1 puts your business at risk. He skillfully infects the entire office, turning people against each other and everyone against the company itself. It is so hidden that it is almost impossible to see it as a source of bad news and a general feeling of disappointment among people. Although he can get the job done and usually manages to give the impression of being hardworking, this is often deceptive. Unable to allow himself to be someone's consequence, he avoids it in hidden ways. Ask him to carry out an assignment and he will answer: “Of course, I will gladly do it,” but it will never be completed. He pretends to take orders, but he has no intention of following them.

RESPONSIBILITY

Covert Hostility is irresponsible, but pretends to be responsible. I once went to a wonderful modern wedding on the West Coast where there was no best man. The relative in 1.1 on the groom's side took it upon herself - she stood at the door, telling the incoming guests: "Since, apparently, there are no best men in sight, I think you need to choose your own place." Saying this with a sarcastic expression, she seemed to take responsibility, but her intention was destructive. Of course, she wanted to make it clear to the guests that this wedding was “poorly prepared.” If a high-toned person had noticed that the arriving guests were confused (and I don't think they were), he would have said, "Just sit where you like." And no evil subtext.

1.1 is very concerned about impressing people, his need for recognition constantly pushes him onto the stage. Knowing no rest, he is an actor, constantly studying his audience to find out if he has made an impression on everyone. It's hard for 1.1 to be a viewer for long.

In class, he is often the very first question after a lecture (he may interrupt if allowed): “Professor, don’t you think...” He is not interested in getting an answer, he just wants to show off his brilliance. The question is asked for effect.

Many 1.1s want attention so badly that they are completely devoid of embarrassment. I once knew someone who dressed in the most ridiculous clothes imaginable. He wandered around looking like he was on drugs, often boasting, “Everyone noticed me.” This same guy relished any opportunity to make a remark that shocked everyone in the room. By the way, there are other 1.1s who dress and talk very reservedly.

When he cannot get into the spotlight himself, he attaches himself to creative, successful people and continuously works to push them down to the bottom of the scale. We find 1.1 crowded around showbiz. He is often a non-producing critic who seeks hidden control over certain areas of aesthetics so that he can give destructive advice to talented people "for your own good."

If he fails to get close to the winners, he still boasts that he succeeded. He knows famous movie stars. The President himself asks him for advice. He pretends to have affairs with the most beautiful women.

PERSISTENCE

Because of the irresistible urge to pretend to be an important person, the 1.1 often heads into the upper echelons of business, politics, clubs, or social groups. He, however, loves to cut corners and with such lazy persistence that he is rarely a master in any direction. Instead, he learns enough to disguise his promotion to an important position. He wants to be applauded, not even wanting to learn to dance.

He's a dilettante who dabbles in music and then gives it up. He learns to draw and then loses interest. Too fickle to concentrate on one subject for long and achieve perfection in it, he prefers superficial study, after which he uses cunning and tricks to pass himself off as an expert.

CRIMINAL

All criminals are below 2.0 on the scale (while they are still criminals) and a very large proportion of them are at 1.1. Even when 1.1 is not actively breaking the law, he is unethical and dishonest.

He has suicidal tendencies, but he actively seeks the death of everyone around him (“I think I’ll die, but maybe I’ll take you with me”). Here we find murder through the slow destruction of individuals and culture, each destructive act cleverly masked by long-winded justifications. This is where we find the people who push pornography the hardest (and experience the greatest pleasure from it). There is also an insinuating pimp who persuades a young girl to become a prostitute. Here's a cunning drug dealer who convinces teenagers that they need to "keep up with fashion" and that, in any case, drugs do no harm.

MESSAGE TRANSMISSION

He prefers to transmit only the most malicious communications. Good news is quickly forgotten or deliberately suppressed. If you send a special notification to a customer about a profitable deal and 1.1 opens the mail there, he will try to ensure that this notification never reaches the customer on time. People in Covert Hostility often occupy positions where they can control incoming communication. This not only satisfies their spy instincts, it allows for covert control.

One morning I watched as 1.1 managed the affairs of an establishment while the owner was away. It was a busy day with lots of customers, orders and inquiries constantly coming in. One angry employee called; the foreman was not at work and could not be found anywhere. A few minutes later the owner called. “Oh,” our dreamy girl said with pleasure, “there’s such a mess all around today...” And she dwelt in detail on one “problematic” call, completely neglecting to mention the good news and the normal course of affairs.

SENSE OF HUMOR

A real sense of humor is alien to him, but in this tone you will most often hear a forcefully squeezed out laugh that rumbles when there is nothing funny at all. We can discuss the weather or the score of a match and 1.1 will senselessly giggle and rejoice. He laughs at the joke - perhaps even longer than the others - but nothing really amuses him. Nothing.

I've known many 1.1s who weren't crude pranksters; but I never knew a rude joker who wasn't 1.1. They delight in carefully making secret preparations to fool, confuse, expose, belittle, or insult their victims. And all this, of course, is for fun.

A local insurance company manager told me about a time early in his career when he was transferred to another state. Perhaps some ethnic beliefs were the reason why people in this particular place refused to buy life insurance contracts, although they were happy to buy annuity insurance contracts. Not knowing this, our friend spent a completely useless two weeks trying to sell life insurance, but he never succeeded. Confused and upset, he told the guys in the office about his misadventures. In the end, they revealed to him the secret of selling in this city. Allowing him to fail from the start was part of the "initiation" for a newbie. Although my friend didn't like this joke at all, the guys at 1.1 found it extremely funny.

He's surprised when you don't laugh at his clever antics. If it annoys you, he expects you to forgive his sins.

You could write an entire book on 1.1 sexual characteristics (and many people have done so). Some of them are intolerant in matters of morality to the point of hypocrisy and demand morality from others. But also at this level we most often find promiscuity, perversion, sadism and any unusual practice. The strange thing is that 1.1 doesn't actually enjoy sexual intercourse as such, but he is quite preoccupied with it. He will be a passionate advocate "free love"

An overly promiscuous person is almost always 1.1. His fickleness manifests itself in his inability to enjoy long-term, meaningful relationships with one person. He constantly seeks sexual pleasure in novelty and difference.

Such people are dangerous to society because their perverted behavior is contagious. Free love and promiscuity are dangerous signals which must be heeded if the race is to continue in existence. Such actions indicate a hidden denial of the purity of love and marriage. There are now so many publications dedicated solely to the defense, encouragement and praise of promiscuity that high-toned people can feel like they are in the overwhelming minority. They begin to question their natural attraction to loyalty and constancy and wonder if they are being old-fashioned.

Today's open fight against abortion, birth control and sex education management is much more sensible than the Victorian pedantry that obscured these issues for many years. However, the harbingers of the "free generation" (usually the press and magazines in 1.1) would have us believe that this means permissiveness. They are completely irresponsible in reporting the most humiliating acts of humanity and ignoring the possibility that their selection of "news" is having a destructive impact.

1.1 may be the sweetest lover on the scale, but as a long-term partner he is very dangerous. Most likely, he will cheat and/or secretly undermine his spouse's confidence with all possible tricks. He will not be satisfied until his partner descends into Apathy and all dreams evaporate.

HOMOSEXUALISTS

Recently, a friend of mine wrote to me about his observations of a group of homosexuals who lived near him: “I think they are correctly called “gays,” he wrote. “I have never heard so much laughter as I do now, living next door to these guys.” . There is almost constant feigned cheerfulness and happiness."

This is feigned "happiness" 1.1.

Homosexuals can be fearful, sympathetic, placating, crying, or apathetic. Sometimes they manage to have a weak outburst of irritation. But their location is 1.1.

Homosexuals do not practice love, 1.1 cannot do this. Their relationships consist of: 1) short-lived, miserable and faceless meetings or 2) longer events filled with theatrical rantings, arguments, envy and frequent betrayals. And it could hardly be otherwise, since this tone is made of suspicion and hatred, which result in a sweet sweetness strewn with petty irritations. Their "love" eventually turns into deep contempt.

PARENTS

Although 1.1 hates children, he is sometimes able to play the role of a parent convincingly. There, however, there is always a subtle, destructive tendency and no matter what kindness it is masked. We see little interest in the future of our children. We see frivolous acts in the family (such as adultery) that lead to the split of the family and the destruction of security on which the future of children depends.

Sometimes the 1.1 takes good care of the child's physical health, but is guilty of emotional and moral neglect. This tone always tries to stop the child's anger, thus lowering it below 1.5 on the scale. He is overly concerned with the child's appearance and manners - his façade. Ultimately, he tries to force the child into apathetic compliance. At best, a parent in Covert Hostility raises a child in Covert Hostility.

Since it is not popular in society to hate children, 1.1 may hide his cruelty behind funny jokes. He teases, criticizes and slowly wears the child to tears. One day a saleswoman came to me and jokingly told my youngest son: “I’ll take you with me.” He looked at her as if she had gone crazy and ran off to play. She said she recently told a little girl that she was taking her little brother home; the girl burst into tears. This is typical for 1.1, after scaring one child she is now trying to use the same technique on mine. Under the guise of a friendly joke, she wanted to harm the child.

In a safe, high-tone environment, 1.1 can rise to 1.5. But, generally speaking, he is not capable of Wrath. Somewhere in the past, losing his temper became so dangerous that he is now afraid to do it. Hostility, however, is constantly suppressed under the appearance of good, friendly relations. If he could lose his temper and get out of his system, he would move up the scale and become a wonderful person. But since he cannot express himself in direct confrontation, he secretly harms and destroys. If you are unsure 1.1 whether this is the case, notice how you feel when you are with him. Are you losing your temper? Feeling awkward? Are you worried about whether you are witty, cool, or modern enough?

This is a common social tone. Higher and lower tone people use some degree of false politeness in everyday interactions. Such “good manners,” however, do not carry the destructive intent of chronic 1.1.

The tones below this are more destructive (especially to those poor souls in them), but they are weak. They have little effect on you unless your relationship is very close. 1.1 can rarely be missed. He invades. He makes his presence known. The more capable you are, the more likely it is to creep into your space, your time and your life - with the same gusto as a deadly virus that invades your circulation and puts you to bed for six weeks.

Several ways to control 1.1 are discussed in the following chapters, but perhaps the best advice is this: remove him from your environment. Don't even worry about being delicate about it. He is insensitive to hints, incapable of being embarrassed. He will continue to come around like a fly on a hot, humid day until you tell him directly - perhaps even several times - that you do not want his company. Once you do this, he will naturally talk about you behind your back. But don't be fooled, he did it all the time. Remember that behind this fairy flicker, a heart of pure granite beats.