How to make love on skype. Why ask Skype if they do not want further communication. But online dating can also bring real trouble.

Everyone comes to the dating site with their specific goals.

Someone wants to find a permanent life partner, someone is looking for a mistress for regular meetings, and someone needs a one-time affair for one evening. Communication on such resources proceeds easily and naturally, starting with the phrase of the first greeting, ending with the appointment of a meeting in real life.

But it is not always possible to easily and quickly establish contact with a new interlocutor. Very often, girls suddenly “go out into the cold” and refuse to meet, hinting at the futility of dating, but at the same time offering to exchange contacts on Skype and chat there.

Less often, the same offer comes from guys, but it is no less unexpected for the fair sex: why ask skype if they don't want further communication? Various unpleasant thoughts begin to creep into your head, the main of which is that you have a scammer in front of you who needs something!

It is no wonder that such a request alarms almost everyone. After all, we think, why do we need third-party programs and services when there is a convenient portal with a bunch of various functions?! But not everything is so simple...

Don't be afraid.

Despite all the horror stories about all sorts of scammers, which, alas, still exist on love and relationship search services, a request to exchange Skype contacts is the most harmless. It can pose any threat to you only when it is done for the purpose of exchanging various spicy messages, photo and video sessions. Simply put, if they ask you to skype in order to "play pranks" there naked - this is an obvious "setup", because then your interlocutor will have the opportunity to blackmail you with compromising evidence. Whether he has such goals or not - it is better not to check on your own experience!

Leave all obscenity for regular partners, and if it really itchs, do everything possible to hide your identity: wear a mask or do not show your face to the camera. But it is better not to do this at all, we repeat.

In all other cases, the request for Skype contact details is more than harmless and can be caused by one main reason - they want to see you live without a real meeting.

Reality check.

Whatever ways web developers come up with to confirm the reality of a person, a member of a dating site can still imagine himself to be who he is not in reality. A student can play the role of a successful businessman, a mature and lonely housewife will easily appear as a socialite or a gentle beauty, and an unemployed alcoholic will pretend to be a decent, wealthy and lonely man. Add to this the ability to post other people's photos, and the prospect of communicating with strangers is not so joyful ...

In order to protect themselves from unpleasant meetings in reality and to exclude such an unexpected and unpleasant development of events, many users offer to chat via video link, and even more than once. In live communication via video, it becomes possible to get to know the interlocutor closer, look at him and draw conclusions whether he corresponds to what he indicated in the questionnaire and said in the correspondence.

Why talk on Skype for a long time?

Why is one call not enough? Everything is very simple - one call can be planned by calling, for example, from work or being in the park with a mobile gadget. A student who introduces himself as the director of a large company can calmly sit in the chair of, say, his friend or relative and call the contact of the attractive beauty from the portal where they established mutual contact. It is very difficult to arrange such a scene every day.

That is why daily communication for 1-2 weeks will reduce the risk of deception, because a married man who deceives girls on love services about his real marital status will not be able to safely communicate via video with an outside girl if his wife is wandering around the house!

If a person refuses to communicate via Skype, referring to technical or other problems, this is a reason to be wary. A simple webcam with a microphone costs a penny, and is now built into every laptop or phone, and high-speed Internet is available even in the provinces. Any other reasons are unlikely to be convincing, it's just that a person has something to hide in direct communication via video chat.

Alas, this form of dialogue is not suitable for those who are used to communicating on a dating site according to the “Hi-dialogue-meeting” scheme. Conversations through video are demanded by those who are determined to be obviously serious and long-term relationships, and therefore many guys (and married men;) often go the distance immediately after the first request for any other contacts. This should not be taken as distrust or a severe failure - the couple just turned out to have different priorities and goals for their conversations!

Unfortunately, I found your site only recently, almost at the same time as the end of my sad love story.
When creating a profile on a dating site and hoping to meet foreigners, I should have first found out on the Internet that there are deceivers, but then I was naive, despite my 36 years, and gullible. And, of course, I did not even think that I would fall for the bait of an ordinary lover of virtual sex. Here is my story.

At the end of April of this year, my Russian, now ex-husband, and I decided that it no longer makes sense to continue our relationship, and I myself suggested creating profiles for us on the mail.ru website and looking for partners for meetings and a possible marriage. By the way, my husband and I also met on this site a little over 5 years ago, and our story could also serve as a lesson for girls who really want to get married, but don’t think about the consequences, but my story is not about that.

So, the questionnaire is created, exciting expectation, and a hail of messages from men, but so far only from my hometown. Almost a month has passed. If I liked potential suitors, I immediately warned that I was still married and could not meet because of the presence of two very small children, rightly believing that if a man was interested in me, he would wait for a meeting, even if many months pass.

Acquaintance

In May, after almost a month of my hanging on the network, when I was online, I received a message from a young man. Judging by the questionnaire, he was 29 years old, he lived in Italy, and his name was very similar to Russian.

The greeting was written in Russian, and I asked if he was Russian, although his burning appearance betrayed a native of the southern countries. Long jet hair tied back in a ponytail, black mustache and goatee, and black passionate eyes. He replied that he was using Google translate, and we began to correspond.

I don’t remember what we talked about that day, but I still asked him why he needed a woman who was almost 7 years older than him and had two children. He replied that it was not important for him, but it was important to find true love. I also asked why Italian women did not suit him, to which I received an answer, they say, he does not like brunettes and dark-skinned people. I myself have blonde hair and blue eyes.

He constantly called me princess, but it came to the evening, and I said that it was time for me to put the children to bed, and it was time for me to sleep myself. He wished me Good Night Princess. It flattered me, because I was called differently, but never a princess.

Days flowed in the usual way, I hung on the site, corresponding with men from my city and often saw that my new Italian friend was online. I never wrote to him first, and for some reason he didn’t write to me anymore, so after a few days of his silence, I deleted him from my contact list and forgot to think about him.

Continuation

A month and a half passed, he again remembered me and wrote a short word "hello". Even then, apparently, intuition wanted to keep me from answering, but curiosity worked and the fact that at the moment, of all my respondents, only he was online. In general, I decided to kill time in correspondence with him. I answered, something like "Hi, Kostya! What, you still can't find a girlfriend for yourself?" He replied: "I'm waiting for you."

This is how we continued. Word for word, I asked why he had not written to me for almost two months, he replied that he was on a business trip in Milan. He immediately asked if I had Skype. I gave him the data, he immediately asked to be added to the contact list, and our correspondence became more lively.

I didn’t want to show myself to him on camera, but he was very persistent, he wrote that if he saw me, he would surely take me to his place in Italy and other nonsense. He wrote that, they say, you want to torture me and that he is a slave for me. He wrote all this in Russian with the help of a translator, so his writings looked like something like MY BAZARA WALKED. This did not bother me, because I understood that these were translation difficulties.

On Skype

In the end, after two days of his persuasion, I decided it was time to show up. I put myself in order a little, slightly tinted the muzzle of my face and allowed him to call, after turning on the camera and making sure that I looked pretty good. We had morning, he had night. And here is the call, I answer and see it.

Oh God, in the low light of his monitor, at night he seemed to me, if not a freak, then at least not the kind of man I could fall in love with. All my feelings were reflected on my face, but fortunately, he immediately wrote that he did not see me! I hung up and asked him to call back. I saw his face again. And then he saw me. His first words were that I believe nice, and that he was in shock. When I asked why, he replied that he did not think that I was so beautiful.

Well, it started, I showed him the children, and we began to correspond, looking at each other, not hearing voices, because he said that he did not yet have a microphone and headphones. I repeat, at first I didn’t like him at all, but we talked for almost 4 hours, and after we said goodbye, I realized that I was gone! He asked me to go out with him for a conversation in the evening, when we would have 11 p.m., and all day until that time I could neither eat nor drink, in general it was love.

I should be on my guard this very evening, and now you will understand why. But firstly, I was already in love, and secondly, I was really an inexperienced person. After all, this was the first experience of communicating via Skype with a man, before that I only communicated with relatives and friends.

In general, we talked and talked until I realized that he was masturbating, somehow I guessed. Our conversation was basically how beautiful I am, and how he wants to be with me, and that I have sexy eyes, etc. He was already making plans for our common future. I decided to find out what he was doing, and cautiously inquired where his hands were. He replied that I understood correctly and that he was turned on only by my sexual gaze and could not control his feelings.

And our days are gone. In the morning and evening we talked on Skype, and his sexual desires became more insistent. At first he asked me to just caress my breasts without opening them, then later he asked me to show my breasts.

A week later, he said that he already loved me, and that he told all his friends about me. Friends made fun of him, but in the end everyone accepted it and wished him good luck. I confessed that I loved him too, and it was true on my part.

I'll digress a little, but not to justify myself, but simply for clarification. My husband is a very restrained person, intimate relationships did not go to bed. It was this rotten fuss, which he called sex, that prompted me to take the decisive step to get a divorce. Therefore, you will all understand how desperately I fell in love with such a passionate, not stingy with words and actions Italian macho!

In general, we almost every evening engaged in this most notorious virtual sex, but how it was! Seeing his huge, black eyes burning with passion, devouring every inch of my body, I went crazy.

We talked with him for more than a month and a half, and during this time he told everything about himself, well, or almost everything. His mother is Turkish and his father is Italian and that they died a few years ago in a fire. That he has a younger sister and older brother who live in Istanbul, and he lives in Rome and sells Lamborghini cars. He wrote me his full name, and on his laptop there are two alphabets (Latin and Turkish), and the name was written in Turkish!

Gave me his cell phone but never called or texted. A little later, I guessed to look at the initial digits of his phone in international codes, and it turned out that the number was not Italian (39), but Turkish (90)! When I asked him about this, he excused himself, saying that his phone is Vodafone, and since there is no support for Vodafone in Russia, our communication was only one-way. I could text him and call him. True, he never answered the call, but hung up and always went on Skype if he was at home. And he could not write to me, because supposedly his messages were not sent, and it was also impossible to call.

We discussed the smallest details of our future, down to our preferences in sex. I told him that I would never accept certain types of sex, at first he agreed, but after a while he said that it was with me that he wanted it. I loved him and said that everything is possible in the future.

He said he wanted to have a baby with me. It was he who insisted on my speedy divorce from my husband, assuring me that he would come and marry me. All this was flavored with amazing declarations of love. He called me "perfect woman", "my wife", "my geisha", "my princess". I cautiously hinted that after two children, everything is not as amazing with me as with young girls, he replied that he didn’t care about my body, but only my hot was important! He talked about hiring a babysitter for my kids so he could have sex with me more often, that he would buy his son a dog and a lot of other things. He said he wanted to lie next to me and touch my face all night. That he will never leave me.

His English was terrible, the grammar was bad, but I adapted to his speech and tried to speak like him, so that he could understand better. Although his vocabulary is better than mine. He never used the verb Do not, his speech went something like this: I not love, i not left you. He confused the past tense with the present and never spoke in the future tense (will), but I understood him. In the end, this is not the main thing, but the main thing was that, as I thought, he loves me madly, just like I love him.

I swam with happiness and believed every word. The height of his cynicism, dishonesty and unscrupulousness was (as I understood later) that he once asked me in a conversation, what money do I live on if my husband does not give me a penny. I modestly looked away and said: "Do not ask, this is a sore point for me." He immediately said: "WE SHOULD GET MARRIED QUICKLY!" Well, how not to believe and not love such a man!

Cooling

And then he disappeared for ten days. I was going crazy, texting, and he showed up, explaining his absence with a trip to Milan. I believed every word. Then he disappeared again and reappeared a month later. He assured me that he loves and works for me to come, get married and leave me a lot of money until I come to him already being a wife.

Quite often, already doubting his love, I asked him both in a live conversation and in SMS that he would let me go if he did not love me. After all, he knew that I was a faithful woman and that I would wait for him, suffer in ignorance if he decides to leave me. But no! He always assured me that I was crazy, and that he loves and will come!

At the end of September, we talked again, but already such a rare time, and he disappeared again.

More than a month has passed, and already going crazy, I decided to check. I created a new Skype with different data and a photo of my girlfriend, found him in the search in the evening and added his contact. And what do I see, my dear in the network.

I must say right away that his status is ALWAYS lit in Skype in RED! As he explained to me, it's because he doesn't like skype sound. It was on the first day of our acquaintance on Skype. But then I already suspected that this was so that he would not be disturbed by the numerous girls in his contact list.

And further. Somehow I added one friend, and in the evening he showed it to me, reproaching that I added a man. I said that this is a childhood friend, and that he should not worry. He replied that I was beautiful, and he was very afraid of losing me. As it turned out, he always checked how many contacts I had. And if I added more, he almost made a scandal. Once I asked him to open his list in the settings and show how many contacts he has. He did not agree for a long time, but in the end he opened it, and I saw that there were 306 people there! He explained that they were friends. He said that there are also girls, but he has not communicated with them since he met me. On my request to remove them, he laughed it off. How blind I was then!

Examination

So I added a new nickname to him, and he was led. As I immediately guessed, he blocked my real contact so that I would not see that he was online. Started a neutral conversation, like hello, I'm Anna. He asked why I added it. I replied that I was looking for friends and possible relationships, and that I liked Italians. He seemed to believe.

I began to carefully ask if he had a girlfriend. And he said that yes, she is from London, she is 28 (I am 36), and that her name is Julia! (Of course, that's not my name!) God, how it hurt! I immediately wrote that I wanted to tell him something and wrote the following:

I want to tell you the story of a girl.
She was inexperienced and honest and she fell in love with a guy. This guy forced her to divorce her husband because he had assured her that her very much loves and marries her.
She divorced, and several months of hovering in the sky with happiness, because she believed that her Mon Roi comes to her and marries her. But he disappeared and she honestly said that sometimes he needs to go to another city to earn money for their wedding.
She believed and expected. But he disappeared and she honestly was waiting for him more than a month, but she knew to check it and it turned out that she believed him in vain, turns out he just used it!
You are a moral monster, and bastard!
God be your judge! Because of you I broke my life with my husband and now I do not know how to live. Every action generates a reaction and you"ll get your punishment in your life!
Do it at last at least one noble deed, if you even can do it - Delete all my photos from your computer, because I do not want to be fun for a man who does not love me!!!

As soon as he read this, he immediately disconnected from the network. Out of grief, I ran to the store for a cocktail and cigarettes, although I don’t smoke, got drunk, cried, I felt bad and I went to bed, although it’s hard to call it a dream. All night I tried to forgive him, in the morning I deleted him from Skype and suffered all day.

In the evening, she could not stand it and wrote an SMS with the following content: “You tore my heart to pieces! For what? For my sincere love for you? And yet, despite everything, I continue to love you! If you want, then add me again to Skype and we'll talk."

I immediately went and added it. And what? And the fact that he was already online with his unchanged red status! He immediately began to accuse me: “You deleted me! I work for you, but you didn’t wait and deleted me! I write that I was angry, you said that you found another woman!” If he is an actor, then he must be given his due, his surprise was of such a natural character that Stanislavsky himself would have said: "I believe!"

In general, we began to find out, and he said that he had just returned from Milan this morning, saying: “How could I write this to you yesterday if I arrived only in the morning?” I asked where his computer was yesterday. He replied that he would never take him to Milan! And this was written, perhaps, by his ex-girlfriend (here's another moment that I forgot to describe above), who lives at his house, because she has nowhere to live yet. By the way, during our virtual romance, I really knew about it, and she even entered his room to ask him something, many times during our communication.

That evening, he convinced me that he loved me and it was not he who wrote about the girl Julia from London, and of course I believed him! How not to believe if loving and honest eyes are looking at you. That evening, despite the fact that the trust in him was undermined, I allowed myself to again have virtual sex with him. At the end, when we said goodbye with assurances of passionate love, I took a promise from him that he would go on Skype tomorrow and all the following days, discussed with him again what documents he needs to do in order to get married in Russia and said goodbye. As you can already guess, the next day he did not appear on Skype, he was not on the site for a long time either, his profile was removed from the search a long time ago. But perhaps he will create another. By the way, that time we discussed his possible move to Turkey and he asked me if I would live in Turkey, of course I agreed, because I was going to marry a man, not a country. So I won’t be surprised that his other profile may appear on the site, where it will no longer be Italy, Rome, but Turkey, Istanbul.

Second check

A few days passed, and again I wondered if he was fooling my head. I punched his Skype nickname through Google, and I was given a page with some site where the Chinese graze. In the comments to one profile with a photo of a pretty Chinese woman, there was a caption with his photo, like you are very nice, here is my skype, waiting for you baby on skype! Dated 5-6 months ago. That is, even before our meeting with him.

I saved a photo of a Chinese woman, created another Skype with her data and added it again. And lo and behold, the next day in the evening he went online! I immediately drove to my place, and I didn’t see him on the network - of course, if he blocked me!

He was seduced again and seemed to even recognize "me". I asked him to appear in the cell for a minute, he refused, arguing that I was a child. Let me ask you, are you married? He said no. I asked if there was a girlfriend, he said yes! It was evident that he was unpleasant to communicate, and he did not know how to get rid of me. I asked who she was. Perhaps he suspected it was me. His answer was that Russian and called my name. After talking for a while, we said goodbye

And I began to analyze this conversation. If he loves me, it means that he suspected something and decided to give my name. But then why would he hide on Skype, blocking me? Of course, I was in pain, I did not understand anything and could not give an explanation for all this.

Yesterday I went on Skype again under the cover of a Chinese woman and found him online again, asked him: "Are you talking to your girlfriend now?", He replied: "No, she is not online now." Like a fool, I ran to my Skype and, of course, did not see it on the network!

And then I realized that everything collapsed! I didn't give a damn! I finally realized that a loving person would never act like this and that my dreams were shattered.

Chance

I decided to give myself one last chance and texted him, pretending to be a fool: "Baby, I see you on Skype, but you don't answer, Skype broke again?"
The fact is that sometimes during the chat we didn’t send messages, and he said that Skype was buggy, so I decided that this way he might not suspect anything. Almost half an hour passed after the message, but he did not appear on Skype, although he was online in Chinese. I decided that enough humiliation and sent him a message in Italian: "Forget me! And please delete all my photos from the computer, because I do not want to be fun for a man who does not love me."

This is the end of my sad story. To say that I'm in pain is to say nothing. It's a shame and hurt, but if he did this to me, then for sure in his huge list (remember, I wrote how many contacts he has on Skype?) I'm not the only woman with broken dreams and trampled love.

Girls, if you meet such a macho, run away! He has a talent for making girls fall in love with him, who are just fun for him. He uses us and bathes in our sincere love!

Galina

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Is love possible at a distance? Is it possible to believe in virtual love, and what to do if you fell in love with a person on the Skype screen using the example of a letter from Ali.

"Good evening! We have a long-distance relationship with our beloved, for more than 3.5 years. Separate different countries and economic crises in both countries. I am from Ukraine, he is from Greece. He proposed to me right away. At first I could not, I did not want to quit my studies. In addition, he could not find a job. 3 years have passed, I graduated from the university, but he never found a job in his specialty, which is why we cannot start a family. He is a musician, he devoted his whole life to music, and neither he nor I want him to give up the violin and work outside his specialty. We see each other very rarely. We love each other very much and want to be together. But it doesn't work. Sometimes he complains that he does not feel respect and inspiration from me. Of course, this is not pleasant for me, because. I really respect and support him. But since he does not feel it, it means that I am doing something wrong. Tell me, please, what could be the problem, and how to show respect for your loved one when we have a Skype relationship?

I really don't want to upset you, and yet I can't lie - sorry if it hurts.

Relationships between a man and a woman are formed when they meet, talk, see each other in different settings, which allows them to get a REAL picture of each other.

Skype communication is an illusion, a very big one, and I would really like you not to fall into it, because any illusion is destroyed sooner or later. On Skype, a person can create any image, it is especially easy for a man to do this, since women are very trusting by nature. Very often we ourselves come up with the image of a man, fall in love with him and convince ourselves that there is love on his part too.

For a woman, this is very dangerous because:

- while she is fascinated by her own thoughts about a person who does not exist in reality, whom she invented herself, her time is passing;

- giving her heart to a fictional character, she may not notice a real person who could make her real happiness;

- the collapse of illusions is inevitable and very painful, after an illusory relationship it is very difficult for a woman to come back to herself in order to start a new relationship.

Perhaps this is not your case, and it would be very cool if there really was such love between you that you write about, but love is not a feeling, it is not passion, it is not ooh-sighs and tender messages, although everything this is also needed. Love is ACTION.

It is the willingness to sacrifice something for the sake of a loved one.

- This is a willingness on the part of a man to take responsibility for the future family. Are you not alarmed by the fact that for three years your loved one could not find a job? You can find a million excuses why this didn’t happen, but you can’t create a family on excuses, can you? How do you envision your future? In which country? How? What gives you hope that your chosen one will act differently in the future? What is your belief in him based on?

A woman's respect for a man is born on the basis of his actions, not words, you won't be able to artificially evoke it in yourself just like that. Respect for a man comes from the fact that he shows his masculine qualities - responsibility, purposefulness, activity, and not just doing romantic things. After all, a woman needs protection, she needs to live with this man, give birth to children with him. She needs a husband, not a child, who is waiting to be taken care of, when he gets a job, when he is pleasing, when something is done for him.

- This is the WOMAN'S SOBER THOUGHT in choosing a man. Perhaps, for a modern woman, this is the most difficult point. She wants a white dress and gets married, but she rarely thinks about how she will live on with this particular man, what kind of husband he will be, and how she will feel with him AS HE IS NOW, and not how she sees him in your imagination.

Right now you are making a choice for life. The choice of the person with whom you will live every day, with whom you will give birth to children, with whom you will achieve joint goals.

How do you feel next to him? With a living person? And not with the one you see on Skype?

Are you ready to endure this state of affairs and wait for something to change? And how many more years are you willing to give this relationship? How many years of your life are you willing to give to the expectation that he will find a job, the situation in our countries will change, or something else magical will happen?

Are you ready to accept this person AS HE IS, to love him unemployed, taking on the function of the head of the family? Are you ready to travel to him at your own expense, settle in his country, look for work and provide for your family in a foreign country? Or are you ready to receive it on your territory?

How many times have you seen each other live, and on what basis do you talk about your love? What is the evidence for this? In deeds, not in feelings? One of the proofs of love is the desire to be together, the joint overcoming of obstacles and difficulties, the willingness to act for the sake of the beloved and beloved.

Forgive me if my questions are unpleasant to you, if my letter hurt you. Perhaps this is the only chance for you to see reality and answer your questions - Is there really love? Is there a future for our relationship?

I really want you to be aware of what is really happening and build relationships based on reality, not romantic fantasies.

All the best to you!

Tatiana Plotnikova

Attention website readers! This article is for informational and educational purposes only. If you and your relatives, relatives and friends have similar problems, then contact a psychiatrist at the psychoneurological dispensary at the place of registration, the emergency room of the psychiatric hospital, the registry office of the Institute of Psychiatry or the websitepsychiatry.ru . We do not diagnose or treat psychiatric diseases! We provide individual psychological counseling services.

Question to the psychologist:

Eh ... a difficult life situation.

Met a girl on the internet. Rather, we knew each other before that, at the institute, but with a hat. After
institute, I went to graduate school abroad, and she lived a year married, and then (although I did not know this) went to another country for a year on an exchange, and in the second year of my graduate school, we got in touch again by
skype.

She didn’t love her husband, after our Skype conversations she divorced him remotely (well, she filed for divorce later, but told him that she didn’t want to communicate anymore as before). Then we talked on Skype for a year and a half every day (she returned to Russia, then went to her parents for six months).

During all this time, we saw each other face-to-face seven times, for a total of about a month.

I graduated from graduate school, did not save money, returned to my mother “until I find a job.” She said she wanted to do her own graduate school in another country. A year ago, I began to think about the pathology
our relationship on Skype, tried to talk about it with her, but she does not like to sort things out. We agreed that we want to live together in order to really understand how it is for us.

In general, thoughts about the pathological relationship did not leave me, and tormented me, but I reassured myself with the words “we need to live together.”

Now she is in another country (found a graduate school), I finally found a job there (but have not left yet), but long thoughts on the topic “is there enough nonsense in my life” exhausted me. I no longer understand whether I am comfortable with a girl, and whether I like her at all. If I hadn’t found a job, I would have spat and said goodbye to her, but I found a job (abroad! I don’t know a language other than English).

Since “relationships” occupied too much space in my thoughts, I no longer understand whether I feel good with a girl, or if I’m only doing this out of a sense of duty, out of a desire not to look like a long-term deceiver and out of a sense of inertia. Do I love her now -⁠-⁠ I don’t understand. In many cases, it was uncomfortable with her, but I have nothing to “present” to her, as it were. On the other hand, there were many good situations. I really don't like her
family.

I can’t take it anymore, I’ve been lying around for a week with a racing heart and a hell of a headache, I can’t work, the deadlines for collecting documents are running out, there’s not a damn thing about money.

I try to calm myself with the thoughts that I will work (in that country) and I can at least earn something (the salary is good), in order to have more freedom of action, at the same time I can really live together with a girl. But I'm worried that I'm wasting time, age, and in general I want, it seems, I'm not sure, to live in the country where the graduate school was. After all, he lived for three years.

It’s embarrassing that before that I had as many as four similar emotions. Well, that is, the women and I didn’t go anywhere, but the situation was like “it’s time to move on to a new level of relations, but I don’t have any strength and I
I feel out of place, and I am overwhelmed by a fierce fear of being left with a person who is alien and not close to me. On the other hand, the thought of choosing a partner according to parameters has always scratched me emotionally, so here
also something not right.

In the anamnesis, the mother, who never married, and the grandmother, who did not love her second husband, having lived with him for many years.

Help.

P.S. Sent a post and got it. How did I forget to mention:
a) I have a BAD. I started on the pills not too long ago and haven't gotten to my full dose yet, but they seem to be working.
b) I cheated on this girl with the one for whom I thought that I had “crazy love”. I have been talking on Skype with two people in parallel for almost half a year. I am a terrible manipulator, and now I already consider this not a virtue. As a result, I realized that “crazy love” was a mania, and eventually gained strength and said that “it’s more comfortable on the other side,” and now I’m hysterical with her.

There is no money for a psychologist, except for one or two classes, I don’t understand what to do.

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

Well done, because in a difficult situation you turned to a psychologist for advice. Let's take a look at your psychological mistakes together and think about what could be done to correct them. You worry about the difficulties in building relationships and improving your personal life. It is very good that you are looking for the reasons for what is happening and are ready to make efforts to change the situation. You are well done! The road will be mastered by the walking one, as folk wisdom says. It is important that along this path you have a guide in the form of a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist who will help you establish an affective sphere; develop strategies for coping with stress; work out destructive subconscious beliefs about yourself, the world, women, relationships, which greatly hinder the building of happy relationships and life in general; learn the rules of building harmonious relationships. This is how your enlarged plan of work on yourself may look like. On this path, you will definitely need the help of a specialist.

It is important for you to gradually begin to improve your life and find an opportunity for a weekly visit to a psychologist or psychotherapist. Just because you don't have that opportunity now doesn't mean it will always be like this. Once you secure a steady source of income, you will definitely be able to raise funds for four consultations a month. It is important for you to make a plan and determine the sequence of your actions. Obviously, first of all, it is important for you to start working and have a steady income, as well as take care of your health. When these two tasks are completed, you can do something else. No need to demand from yourself to deal with all the problems at once. It's impossible. It is very important to move in stages and prioritize correctly. Let's discuss this in a little more detail.

How you think influences how you feel.

Most of the emotional problems of a person are associated with his destructive thinking and errors in logic. A person has habits in thinking, worked out to automatism. He often does not notice how he thinks and how he feels about it. An example of one such mistake is sticking destructive labels. So in the letter you call your relationship with a girl pathological. Pathological means unhealthy, based on deviations from the norm and painful manifestations.

Calling your relationship pathological, you find a very powerful explanation why they need to end. And then your fears, dissatisfaction, unjustified expectations are no longer the cause of the gap. You don't have to deal with them and deal with them. You can call the relationship wrong and end it. And then you don't need to work on them, improve them, harmonize them. If at such moments it begins to seem to you that the girl is no longer dear to you, and something is wrong with her family, this strengthens your rationalization and attempt to find arguments against maintaining the relationship. This is how psychological defenses work, which protect a person from confronting their true experiences and needs, intrapersonal problems and conflicts.

When a person thinks with errors of logic, his assessment of what is happening is far from reality. If you evaluate what was pathological in your relationship, it may turn out that nothing. In your letter, you do not provide evidence for this assumption. You are describing a long-distance, supportive relationship with daily skype communication. You describe your discomfort in communicating with a girl, but do not specify what caused it. It is important for you to identify the causes of your discomfort. Most likely it is caused by the fact that your needs were not met in communication or your psychological boundaries were violated. Both issues are solvable. How to communicate confidently and assertively teaches a psychologist. If you do not deal with your discomfort, then it will accumulate and then lead to emotional imbalance and disturbances. As a result, you will be forced to avoid communication in principle. It's not the best way out.

Notice how your thoughts create your emotional and physical state. You think: “… I can’t work, the deadlines for collecting documents are running out, there’s no money… I’m wasting time, age…”. And at the same time you feel: a rapid heartbeat and a severe headache. This is an example of how, with the help of thoughts, you first create your emotional (anxiety, panic, fear), and then physical ailment. In this example, behind the above reflections, there is most likely a destructive belief that you should: cope with everything, be strong, find a high-paying job, start a family. Where there is duty, there is also compulsion. That is, you do all this not out of good will, but in order to look good and right in someone's eyes. For example, in the eyes of the family or society. Try instead of the words “need”, “should”, “correct”, “necessary”, says “I choose”, “I prefer”, “I want” and the like. Such words give you a conscious choice, while the first ones deprive you of it.

The sequence is always this: thoughts - emotions - physical sensations - behavior.

To change your state and behavior, it is important to change your thoughts. Irrational and destructive to rational and logical. Helping you, not causing you discomfort and pain.

Happy relationships are built on the principles of sincerity and emotional intimacy.

Conflicts, dissatisfaction, clashes of interests are an integral part of relationships. Two people with their own unique sets of habits begin to build something together - relationships, life, and so on. Therefore, a clash of interests is inevitable. And the extent to which people are open to each other in conflict and are ready to discuss difficulties depends on the harmony in their relationship. Of course, in order to behave effectively in conflicts, you need to know how this is achieved. If a person has had a negative experience of conflict resolution in the past, or does not feel safe entering into a conflict (discussing problems), he will avoid such communication.

Judge for yourself, often a showdown is associated exclusively with expressing dissatisfaction, claims, issuing demands and ultimatums. Of course it hurts. If in a conversation you talk more about your partner than about yourself, about the wrongness of the relationship, then these words will automatically be perceived as claims and reproaches. It is important to learn how to properly discuss problems and resolve conflicts in a relationship, then they will bring people together and make their relationship more open, safe and happy.

It is important and necessary to discuss your needs and concerns in a relationship. This is what makes them trusting and harmonious. This is what gives people the feeling that he is truly loved, appreciated, respected, accepted and reckoned with.

Rules for building open and safe communication in conflict

Here are a few rules that will help you develop emotional intimacy in relationships and resolve conflicts effectively:

1. When discussing your needs and concerns, talk about yourself, not your partner.

Correct: “I really want to see you more often, spend time, do something together. I miss you when I don't see you for a long time."

Incorrect: “I feel that I am not important to you in the way that you are to me. You have so many things to do and plans, but you don’t have enough time for me.”

See how the wording changes the perception of what is being said? In the first option, we are talking about needs, and allows the partner to better understand you, and in the second, about claims and reproaches. A person begins to defend and close when he does not feel emotionally safe.

1. Find out if the partner is ready to talk now, if he has time, if he is tired, if he is upset. Here the wording also matters:

Right: “I would like to discuss with you something important to me. It concerns us and our relationships. Do you mind if we talk about it now (tomorrow night)?”.

Incorrect: “There is something wrong with our relationship and I want to discuss it.” There is a statement that the relationship is bad and most likely something unpleasant awaits a person in a conversation.

Remember that the purpose of such conversations is to get closer and improve relationships.

If your partner isn't ready right now, ask them when it's convenient for them to tune in and perhaps prepare questions they'd like to discuss as well.

1. After you talk about what is important to you, give your partner a chance to speak. Listen thoughtfully and with interest. No need to argue, prove something, interrupt. Listen and clarify for yourself the attitude of the partner to what you said. The task is to get feedback from a partner.

1. Show that you understood what the partner said, ask clarifying questions if any, clarify what you said earlier, if necessary.

Correct: “When I said that I want to see you more often, I meant that I would like to go somewhere together, do something together. Like cooking dinner, or walking the dog.”

Incorrect: “Skype communication is not normal communication, what kind of relationship is this?”

1. Use active listening and find out what your partner would like in this situation. It may turn out that you want different things. In this case, you can ask, what way out of the situation does your partner see, taking into account both his and your needs? If he needs time to think, don't rush him. The task of each of you is to think over possible options for getting out of this situation, and then discuss them and choose the most suitable one. Do not rush to reject or criticize what your partner has proposed, consider all options from the total number of your joint options, you need to choose the one that suits both of you the most.

However, it is not always possible to come to a unanimous decision. In this case, it is important to recognize that you want very different things on this issue and your opinions differ too much. This also happens.

1. It is not enough to make a decision, it is important to understand how you will implement it together. Think about this too.

1. Be sure to thank your partner for being attentive and sensitive to your feelings and needs.

It takes practice to learn how to talk about needs and problems in a relationship. You can agree with your partner that you will try to act according to such an algorithm in order to be sincere, to be able to satisfy your needs and not hurt each other.

Learn to understand your true needs

As long as you ignore your needs, you will feel uncomfortable and angry at your partner. It is important to consider the needs of other people, but this does not mean that at the same time you need to give up your own. You will remain dissatisfied with the relationship until you learn how to effectively satisfy your needs. If you are not ready to live with a girl, it is important to clarify for yourself why, instead of agreeing to it. What worries or scares you about living together? What consequences are you afraid of? What needs are you afraid of being violated? After you find out, you can discuss your wishes with the girl.

For example, you do not feel that you will receive support from a girl, or you will need to do something that you do not want, or you are worried about some household issues. First determine what is bothering you, and then it will become clear to you what to do next.

When you describe the scenario for the development of all your relationships, he notes that the prospect of living together with a girl always scares you, because you feel out of place and you are overcome by the fear of staying with a person who is not close to you. With people whom you do not feel close to come together and there is no need. The purpose of a relationship is to be happy and feel good, not the other way around. If you have a fear of living together, then you should not agree to this. However, this may well not suit the girl.

Cohabitation means more responsibility and obligations. This may scare you. In order not to be afraid of responsibility and obligations, it is important to develop your personality. By forcing yourself into a responsibility that you are not ready for, sooner or later you will begin to avoid it, and this will destroy the relationship in any case.

Fear of emotional intimacy

You have a fear of emotional intimacy, which is why you do not feel close to your partner. Being emotionally close means being vulnerable. It means baring your soul before a person. Talk about what is really important to you, about what is scary, about what you want and what you dream about. Speak sincerely and openly. If you have a fear of emotional intimacy, then you are more likely to show people the mask, rather than the real you, for fear of being rejected or hurt. If you show only a mask, then, of course, you will not be able to feel closeness with a person, no matter how much you communicate with him. And without emotional intimacy, it is impossible to build a happy relationship.

Fear of emotional intimacy, a ban on it, is formed in a person in childhood, in the parental family. For example, because parents set an example of how not to be emotionally close, not to share with each other, not to support each other, to avoid heart-to-heart conversations. In this case, a person simply does not know how and does not know how to build trusting relationships. In the case when a child is rejected, his trust is betrayed, condemned, shamed, criticized for who he is, punished for speaking about his needs and dreams, he begins to be afraid of emotional intimacy, because he has received experience that it is not safe , scary and painful. Hence the feeling of isolation, loneliness, avoidance, anxiety. fears, phobias, depressions and other affective and behavioral disorders. With such disorders in the emotional sphere, a person maintains a connection with other people through power games and manipulations. Otherwise, he does not know how.

Psychologist's advice:

Task #1! First of all, together with your doctor, choose a pharmacotherapy for the treatment of bipolar affective disorder. This process is labor intensive and may take some time. Preparations and dosages can be selected for some time until the option that is best for you is chosen, in which you will feel good. Don't waste your time and energy on this. It is very important! For this period, do not set yourself any global goals. Wait until your health improves and stabilizes.

Task #1! Find a job. which you will like and bring a constant income. Don't settle for a job that you have to endure and go to it like hard labor. Choose the one that will captivate and inspire you.

Task #3! In addition to drug treatment, you definitely need long-term psychotherapy. As soon as you have the financial opportunity, allocate a monthly budget for regular meetings with a psychologist. Working with a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist will help you in the treatment of bipolar disorder, in the emotional support and psychocorrection you need, in the correction of destructive strategies of thinking and behavior, in teaching the rules of building harmonious relationships. Do not rush yourself, give yourself time to harmonize your personality, without this, in any case, it is impossible to build a happy and harmonious relationship. Set aside a few years for these goals. You will need two to five years of intensive care, and supportive care thereafter.

Task #4! Resolve conflicts on the level of moral values. It is crazy to love a girl and at the same time meet another - such behavior speaks of violations in the moral sphere and a distorted understanding of higher moral feelings. Ask a psychiatrist if you have signs in the direction of the appearance of signs of psychopathy that were not previously characteristic of you. BAD with late treatment can lead to a personality shift and acquired personality psychopathization. Since we are talking about the fact that you met two girls at the same time, you can talk about a violation in the understanding of morality and higher moral feelings.

Task number 5! Identify all your fears and concerns, sort out your needs and discuss it all with your girlfriend. You don't need haste. Take some time to think. Tell the girl about your illness so that she can better understand you and support you. Be honest with her! Good luck to you.

Are you in a difficult life situation? Get a free and anonymous consultation with a psychologist on our website or ask your question in the comments.

Lovers receive 80% of information non-verbally. Simply put, words are not important for love. An unpleasant fact for those couples who are forced to endure separation, maintaining relationships at a distance. However, this problem can also be overcome.

PHOTO getty images

Long distance relationships - are they possible? This is the case when the future depends only on you, and the minuses - if desired - can be safely turned into pluses.

Rare encounters. Communication on the hated (how you want to touch your loved one, and not just look at him) Skype. Jealousy that is stimulated by the unknown - what is he (she) doing, where is he now? And at the same time - the freshness of feelings, every date is like the first; lack of household routine, and the ability to make joint plans.

The main thing in a long-distance relationship is that separation tests you for strength. The kilometers separating the couple, like a litmus, highlight and make a diagnosis - is it love or not. More precisely, it's not just about love, but about the very thing that is called REAL LOVE - when everyone is sure that his partner is finally the same one. If so, you have nothing to fear.

In other cases, if there is no certainty, ask yourself an unpleasant question: is it worth spending time and effort on a person whose separation from whom can ultimately cause you real pain. Those who know for sure that his romance is part of a great love story will not be damaged by a safety rope. How to survive and endure this separation with the least loss and maintain relationships at a distance?

2. However, community has its own nuance - to know the limits, giving yourself and your partner the opportunity, time and space for your own life. It is clear that when a loved one is far away, longing pushes everything else into the background. You need to say to yourself: "Get the most out of the situation, look at what is, from the positive side."

Fill up evenings and other free time to the maximum, do what you were going to do, but your hands never reached before. Do not stand still, develop, learn new things; Ultimately, this will not only benefit you personally, but also you as a couple. Firstly, there will be something to tell, and secondly, a person who moves forward and changes is always more interesting.

3. If you have disagreements, be sure to share. However, there are polar opinions on this matter - some believe that in conditions of separation it is better not to dump your negativity on your partner, but to cope on your own, others believe that it is necessary to do this. It’s up to you to decide whether to “dump” or not, just keep in mind that claims, resentments, suspicions, fatigue accumulate and do not disappear anywhere. Keeping it inside is harmful, and what accumulates will sooner or later turn into a dangerous snowball, an avalanche. In addition, closing in on the experiences of your troubles, you will feel even more lonely. It will definitely make you stronger, but will it keep that same commonality? Is not a fact.

So anyway, share. Moreover, argue if there is really a need for it. Of course, we are not talking about scenes with disconnection of communication, going offline - no matter how annoyed you are, do not allow this. The usual showdown can be adjusted by personal contact, at a distance it is impossible, so do not make your partner suffer for distant lands.

4. One of the reasons for your dispute (or quarrel?) can be expected to be jealousy. It is clear that from a distance everything seems larger than it really is. This rule applies to jealousy as well. The phrase “My colleague and I had lunch together today”, dropped in a conversation with you, in your inflamed imagination will easily turn into a romance without five minutes (especially since the distance, alas, has doubts). How to be? There can be only one answer here - trust. It is easy, of course, to say ... But there is no other way. In addition, with all possible jealousy, if you are confident in the depths of your soul in a person, everything else will be foam, a light cloud that will not spoil the weather as a whole.

... Everything passes, except true love. Live from meeting to meeting, make joint plans and know that if you try, after some time this separation will turn into a pleasant memory for both of you, which will once again serve as confirmation of true feelings.