Stages of crisis relations in family development. Crisis in the family: stages over the years and how to deal with it. Family psychologist. Typical problems of this stage are related

Chapter 1. FAMILY LIFE CYCLE AND MARRIAGE CRISES

The life cycle as a dynamic characteristic of the family. The main stages (stages) of the family life cycle and their psychological content. A young family as a special stage in the structure of the family cycle. Normative family crises and the natural nature of their occurrence. Psychological causes of family crises. Abnormal crises in the family.

LIFE CYCLE AS A DYNAMIC CHARACTERISTIC OF THE FAMILY

The family is primarily a social system that is in constant interchange with the environment. The functioning of the family is subject to two main complementary laws - the law of homeostasis (focus on maintaining constancy and stability) and the law of development. The law of development means that the family, like any system, can be characterized in a historical aspect in terms of genesis, development and liquidation (cessation of existence). Therefore, we can talk about the life cycle of the family and a certain periodicity and sequence of stages of its transformation from the emergence to the termination of life.

Family life cycle- this is the history of the life of the family, its length in time, its own dynamics; family life, reflecting the repetition, regularity of family events.

Family Events - the most significant events for the life of the family that significantly affect the change in the family structure. Sets of family events form the main stages of the family cycle.

As you know, young people who have just married, and spouses who have lived together for decades treat each other differently, face various problems and difficulties, which cannot but affect the family atmosphere.

The life cycle of family development is determined by objective events (birth, death) and is carried out in the context of age-related changes in all family members. Age-related psychological changes concerning the personality of each family member radically transform the life of the latter: the system of needs and motives of the individual, the ways of her behavior and activities, the social status of family members, and, consequently, the style of communication and the nature of the functioning of the family as a whole, change.

Recognition of the existence of these differences led to the need to determine the main stages of the life cycle of the family. The importance of such periodization is largely determined by the fact that each stage of the life cycle is characterized by typical developmental problems, knowledge of which will help spouses, on the one hand, prepare for their appearance and resolution, and on the other hand, develop a system of recommendations from specialists in providing social and psychological assistance to the family. .

The idea of ​​family cycles appeared in psychology in the 1940s, coming from sociology. The concept of "family development cycle" was used for the first time in 1948 by E. Duvall and R. Hill at a nationwide American conference on family life, where they made a report on the dynamics of family interaction. Initially, 24 stages of the family cycle were identified.

In the 60s, when this idea began to be considered in psychotherapy, the family life cycle began to be reduced to 7-8 stages.

There are various classifications of the stages of the family life cycle. In this case, most often they proceed from the specifics of the tasks that the family as a group must solve at each stage for its further successful functioning. In most cases, such periodization is based on a change in the place of children in the family structure. This approach is typical for both domestic and foreign scientists.

In particular, E. Duval identified 8 stages in the life cycle based on such a criterion as the reproductive and educational functions of the family (presence or absence of children in the family and their age).

First stage. Forming family (0–5 years), no children.

Second stage. Childbearing family, the age of the eldest child is up to 3 years.

Third stage. Family with preschool children, the oldest child is 3-6 years old.

Fourth stage. Family with schoolchildren, the eldest child is 6-13 years old.

Fifth stage. Family with teenage children, the oldest child is 13-21 years old.

Sixth stage. The family that "sends" children to life.

Seventh stage. Mature spouses.

Eighth stage. Aging family.

Naturally, not every family can be viewed through the prism of this classification; there are numerous family groups that "do not fit" into any one classification. For example, families with children that differ greatly in age, have been married many times and have children from previous marriages, single-parent (with one parent) families living with the parents of one of the spouses, etc. However, whatever the structure family, no matter what specific tasks it solves, at a certain stage of the life cycle it encounters difficulties typical for this stage of development, the knowledge of which will help to cope with them much more successfully.

MAIN STAGES (STAGES) OF THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE AND THEIR PSYCHOLOGICAL CONTENT

Very often, problems arise in families due to the fact that its members cannot smoothly move from one stage to another, or one stage “overlaps” others (divorce, second marriage, children from the first marriage, etc.). It turns out that the family lives, as it were, in two stages at the same time: for example, where there is a small child and a teenager, problems appear that are characteristic of both phases of family development, which creates additional difficulties in the implementation of marital and parental functions.

At the same time, an approach to family development based on a change in the function of giving birth and raising children can hardly be considered the only correct one. Family relationships are not only relationships between parents and children. Formally, the family exists from its registration to the dissolution or termination of marriage, and its psychological essence arises when the relationship in a married couple becomes personally significant, influencing feelings, thinking and behavior, and remains so as long as these relationships retain their significance. Therefore, it would be more reasonable to determine the periodization of the development of a family as a small group by the totality of various relations associated with the family, and their significance in a particular period of its functioning.

With this in mind, we can consider typical tasks and problems at different stages of the life cycle of a modern family. At the same time, it should be borne in mind that the impossibility of solving the problems characteristic of one stage by the family entails the need to move them to another stage of the life cycle. In turn, at the new stage, their own tasks appear that require resolution, plus unresolved problems of the previous period are added to this.

Thus, the family is faced with special difficulties, which are accompanied by the need to restructure the entire family system, redistribute family roles and responsibilities. However, it is almost impossible to do this instantly. Therefore, a natural crisis arises in the family, which accompanies it during the transition from one stage of the life cycle to another. Such a crisis is characterized by the fact that the former intra-family relations are no longer acceptable, and new ones have not yet been created.

Let us consider in detail the main stages of family life.

1. Premarital courtship period. The main tasks of this stage are the achievement of partial psychological and material independence from the genetic (parental) family, the acquisition of experience in communicating with the other sex, the choice of a marriage partner, and the acquisition of experience in emotional and business interaction with him.

For some, this period is too long. Young people may avoid marriage for reasons that lie within their family of origin. But in the same way, they may strive for premature marriage, trying to free themselves from the fettering relationship with their parents. Many cannot marry a loved one due to financial and economic difficulties (lack of a decently paid job, despite having a professional education, the problem of their own housing, etc.).

2. Marriage and phase without children. At this stage, the couple must establish what has changed in their social status, and determine the external and internal boundaries of the family: which of the acquaintances of the husband or wife will be “admitted” to the family and how often; to what extent spouses are allowed to stay outside the family without a partner; how permissible is interference in marriage by the parents of the spouses (at this stage it is very important how the new family perceives the daughter-in-law or son-in-law).

In general, during this period, a young married couple needs to conduct a huge number of negotiations and establish many agreements on a variety of issues (from values ​​to habits). Social, emotional, sexual and other problems may arise.

First, one should accept changes in the intensity of feelings, establish psychological and spatial distances with genetic families, gain experience of interaction in solving issues of organizing the daily life of the family, accept and carry out the initial coordination of marital (family) social roles.

Secondly, the issue of material security and financial support for the family will have to be resolved: who will earn money, to what stratum of society the family will belong.

Thirdly, it is necessary to create intimacy in the relationship, which may be accompanied by the appearance of sexual problems due to inexperience, differences in upbringing, level of desire, etc. At this stage, it is also necessary to consider the career of each of the spouses, discuss the possibility of having a first child and decide how many children are planned in the family. It may turn out that one of the spouses is infertile, and then new questions will arise: to take or not to take a foster child for upbringing, or is it worth getting a divorce and trying to create another family.

In the conditions of modern Russian reality, many newlyweds do not immediately decide on the birth of their first child; Increasingly, there are cases when couples do not register, preferring the so-called civil marriage to the legal registration of relations. This also creates its own relationship problems.

3. A young family with small children. This stage is characterized by the separation of roles related to fatherhood and motherhood, their coordination, material support for new family living conditions, adaptation to great physical and mental stress, limiting the general activity of spouses outside the family, insufficient opportunity to be alone, etc.

Sometimes a couple is not ready for children, and the birth of an unwanted child can complicate the problems of raising him. In addition, people who considered their marriage a test attempt find that it will now be much more difficult for them to leave.

There are cases when the birth of a child is considered by the mother as a way to make up for the lack of love for herself. During pregnancy, the mother may be happy with the fantasy of having a being who will love her. The collapse of the dream comes after childbirth due to the need to “give” a lot to herself. Postpartum depression is sometimes seen as a reaction to the irretrievable loss of one's own childhood.

A fundamentally important feature of this stage of the family life cycle is the transition of the spouses to the beginning of the implementation of the parental function. The formation of a parental position is in many respects a turning point, a crisis process for both parents, which largely determines the fate of the development of children in the family, the nature of parent-child relationships and the development of the personality of the parent himself.

The parental role is fundamentally different from the marital one in that when forming a marital union, both partners are free to terminate marital relations and dissolve the marriage, while the parent is a “lifelong” role performed by the individual and cannot be canceled. Even in the so-called "refusal" cases, when parents renounce their right and obligation to raise a child, leaving him in a maternity hospital or orphanage, the mother and father remain responsible for their moral choice, remaining parents, even if only biological ones.

A number of important questions at this stage are related to who will care for the child. New roles of mother and father emerge; their parents become grandparents (great-grandparents). There is a kind of age shift: aging parents have to see adults in their children. For many, this is a difficult transition. What has not been worked out between the two spouses should be worked out in the presence of a third person: for example, one of the parents (most often the mother) is forced to stay at home and care for the child, while the other (mainly the father) tries to keep in touch with the outside world.

There is a narrowing of the zone of communication of the wife. The material supply falls on the husband, so he "frees" himself from caring for the child. On this basis, conflicts can arise due to the wife's overload with household chores and the husband's desire to "rest" outside the family. A rather important problem of this period may be the problem of self-realization of the mother, whose activity is limited only by the family. She may develop feelings of dissatisfaction and envy towards her husband's active life. Marriages can begin to break down as the wife's demands for childcare increase and the husband feels that his wife and child are interfering with his work and career.

With regard to a young Russian family, in some of them there is a need to separate from the older generation (exchange or rent an apartment, etc.), in others, on the contrary, all worries are transferred to grandparents (newlyweds, as it were, do not become parents).

When the child is older, the mother can return to work. In this regard, a new problem arises: what to do with the child - look for a nanny or send him to a preschool institution.

Single mothers face special problems - children begin to ask a question about their father. In addition, in all families, the problem of the unity of requirements for the child and control of his behavior may appear: the grandmother indulges, the mother indulges in everything, and the father sets too many rules and prohibitions; the child feels it and manipulates them. Along with this, the family raises the issue of preparing the child for school, and the choice of the appropriate educational institution can also lead to disagreements between adult family members.

4. Family with schoolchildren (middle-aged family). The time a child enters school is often accompanied by a crisis in the family. The conflict between the parents becomes more obvious, as the product of their educational activities becomes an object of public review. For the first time, they experience the fact that the child will someday grow up and leave the house, and they will be left alone with each other.

There may be some problems associated with the child's school life - the issue of the intellectual usefulness of a son or daughter lagging behind in studies is being resolved (then you will have to transfer the child to a special school or organize individual homeschooling); there may be behavioral issues.

At this stage, parents decide on the issue of the comprehensive development of the child (simultaneous sports, music, a foreign language) or the choice of classes according to interests and inclinations. Along with this, they teach the child (teenager) to household duties, their distribution, and combining them with study. It is possible to transfer to another school (either in connection with the move, or for in-depth study of any academic subject). Even when children reach adolescence, parents still take care of them, not trusting them to make decisions on their own and not paying attention to the fact that teenagers are looking for freedom and striving for self-realization.

During this period, parents still devote a lot of time and effort to their own careers, so little attention is paid to the spiritual and spiritual world of the child. Sometimes, for the sake of the interests of the child, parents sacrifice their own (including professional ones). Then, at a later age, parents can accuse the child of interfering with their career. Elderly parents tend to shift their problems onto their child; their life pessimism can be transmitted to a teenager.

In some families, the problem of losing the authority of parents arises (parents all the time protected the child from the “truth of life”, and when confronted with reality, the teenager realized that he was taught the wrong thing). Another important problem is the discrepancy between the hopes and forecasts of parents and the real, grown-up child. Adolescents get out of control, show an active interest in activities outside of school and family. Against this background, spouses may have problems with their own parents, who, as they age, begin to experience more and more malaise and require care. Thus, great pressure falls on the middle generation both from above and below, which can significantly aggravate intra-family relations, acquiring the character of a protracted crisis.

The main psychological characteristic of the family at this stage of the life cycle is the coincidence or significant intersection of the crisis age stages of each generation of the family system. The older generation of grandparents is faced with the need to stop active industrial and social activities (retirement) and restructure their lifestyle due to the emergence of problems of loss of physical strength and capabilities.

The middle generation of spouses-parents is entering a mid-life crisis that requires a rethinking of the life path and summing up. Finally, the younger generation - adolescents - claims the right to recognition of their new status - the status of an adult, which necessarily leads to a restructuring of the system of parent-child relations. The intersection of three age crises - old age (for grandparents), middle age (for parents) and adolescence (for children) - experienced by three generations of the extended family, creates a special vulnerability of the family system at this stage of the life cycle. It is at this stage that the maximum anxiety of family members, the experience of a sense of loss of security, insecurity is observed.

5. A family of mature age that children leave. Usually this phase of family development corresponds to the mid-life crisis of the spouses. Often during this period of life, the husband realizes that he can no longer rise higher up the career ladder, and in his youth he dreamed of something completely different. This disappointment can splash out on the whole family and especially on the wife.

One of the common conflicts is that when a man reaches middle age and attains a high social status, he becomes more attractive to younger women, while his wife, for whom physical attractiveness is much more important, feels that she has become less interesting to women. men. Children are less and less at home, and it turns out that it was they who played a particularly important role in the family. Perhaps it was through children that parents communicated with each other, or care for them and love for them united the spouses. Parents may suddenly find that they have nothing to talk about with each other. Or old disagreements and problems suddenly escalate, the solution of which was postponed due to the birth of children.

In families where there is only one parent, he may feel the departure of a child as the beginning of a lonely old age. In complete families, the number of divorces increases during this period. If the conflict is very deep, there are attempts to kill and commit suicide. Solving the problem that arises in the mature stages of marriage is much more difficult than in the early years, when the young couple is not yet stable and is in the process of creating new stereotypes of interaction. More often, the stereotypes developed by the family by this time, both solving problems and avoiding them, become inadequate. Sometimes this leads to an intensification of problem behaviors, such as drinking or abuse of a spouse, and gradually it reaches an intolerable level.

This stage of the family life cycle, as already mentioned, is characterized by a high degree of anxiety. Experiences of loss of love, disappointment, "depreciation" of the partner and a decrease in the feeling of subjective satisfaction with marriage become specific for marital relations. Adultery, which is not uncommon at this stage, reflects the desire of the spouses to reconsider the results of their life path and find new opportunities for self-realization through the search for another partner with whom new life goals and new opportunities for personal growth are associated, the establishment of emotionally close relationships, free from the previous burden of mistakes, feelings guilt and bitterness.

As a rule, the search for another partner reflects not so much disappointment in the old as a negative rethinking of life outcomes and an attempt to “start life from scratch”. The inadequacy of such a resolution of the mid-life crisis is due to personal immaturity and inability to constructively resolve age-related developmental tasks based on the mobilization of resources of the former family system.

Of course, quite often this crisis, which dictates the need for a person to determine new life goals, priorities and values, only exposes and exacerbates long overdue contradictions of the family system, revealing its disharmonious and destructive nature, leads to the natural completion of the functioning of the family, its elimination in terms of termination of marital relations. . However, even in this case, parent-child relations are preserved and the broken family still implements the function of raising children.

Children should feel like adults (that is, they are approaching the first stage): they have long-term relationships, marriage (marriage) is possible, new members are included in the family group. At this stage, new problems arise: whether the choice of children corresponds to the expectations of parents; where do young people spend their time? The question arises of exchanging an apartment in order to allocate their own housing to the newlyweds. A fairly common option is when a grandmother (grandfather) moves in with the parents of one of the newlyweds, and they move into her (his) apartment (the situation of “waiting for the death of a grandmother or grandfather”).

Another problem is the forced residing of young people with their parents. Grandchildren appear, and the question arises that the grandmother should leave her job. However, this is difficult to do, as modern grandmothers are often far from retirement due to age.

6. Aging family. At this stage, older family members retire or work part-time. There is a financial shift: old people receive less money than young people, so they often become financially dependent on children. It is possible to move to a new place of residence in another area or to a more modest apartment (in Russia, it is sometimes possible to leave for a village, a dacha, etc.).

At this stage, marital relations are resumed, new content is given to family functions (for example, the educational function is expressed by participation in the upbringing of grandchildren). Retirement can make the problem of being alone with each other even more acute. In addition, a lack of self-realization can lead to the onset of symptoms. However, the symptoms of one spouse help the other adjust to life in retirement. For example, after leaving work, a husband may feel that if he used to live an active life, helping others, now he is useless and does not know how to fill his free time. When his wife falls ill, he again has a useful function: he must now help her recover. His wife's illness protects him from the depression he will fall into when she gets better. If the wife relapses, he comes to life again and can take active action.

7. The last phase of the family life cycle. In contrast to the previous stages of the family life cycle, the need to change its role structure is determined by the uneven processes of aging of spouses and the loss of their former opportunities. Of great importance is also the factor of termination of professional activity, which affects the distribution of the roles of "breadwinner" and "mistress (owner) of the house" between spouses.

Women are much more successful and quickly adapt to the position of a pensioner. They usually retain their former status in the family as the mistress of the house, the housekeeper, responsible for the family budget, and the organizer of her leisure. The role of the husband in the family is quite often limited to the role of "breadwinner". In the event of termination of employment, he loses this role and often even feels that he is not in demand in the family, since in connection with retirement, the contribution of each of the spouses to the family budget is equalized.

In most cases, a “quiet velvet revolution” takes place in the family, the result of which is the transfer of all power to the wife. Unfortunately, this version of the development of events impoverishes and schematizes marital relations, closing them within the limits of the routine routine of the values ​​of everyday everyday functioning, disturbed only by watching TV shows, the experiences and feelings of the characters of which compensate for the mediocrity of their own lives for elderly spouses, take them away from the world of reality into the world of dreams and illusions.

The opposite path of development of the family system is associated with the search for new meaningful and accessible areas of self-realization, with respect for the goals chosen by the partner, help and support of the partner in achieving them.

Another option for restructuring the role structure of the family is associated with a sharp deterioration in the health of one of the spouses and the concentration of family efforts in the direction of solving the main task - saving life, health and creating a satisfactory quality of life for the sick spouse.

A particularly important role at this stage of the family's life cycle begins to be played by its middle generation, on which emotional support and care for sick and elderly parents in need of help depend. The researchers found that daughters are much more likely to help their elderly parents than sons. Help includes buying groceries, cleaning, cooking, caring for sick grandparents. Quite often, daughters are forced to change jobs to solve the problems of caring for seriously ill relatives.

Just as it happened after the birth of children, a woman, responding to social expectations, allows a value choice in favor of caring for disabled members of the extended family, the implementation of which, however, depends on her participation in labor activity, the presence of children and their age, the woman’s own age and her health. An interesting fact is that women who have children are more tolerant of role tension and overload that accompanies their performance of diverse family roles.

V. A. Alperovich identifies three types of relationships between elderly spouses: “coexistent”, “partners”, “friends in love”. These types of relationships differ in emotional closeness and mutual understanding of partners, the distribution of rights and obligations, common activities, interests and values, emotional involvement in family relationships.

Another problem specific to this stage is widowhood and the formation of a new model of life after the loss of a spouse. There are several most typical models, the choice and implementation of each of which is regulated by a large number of factors, and the most important among them are the age of a single spouse, the degree of his involvement in various types of social activity, the range of interests and communication, the nature of experiencing the loss of a spouse and emotional status, health status. , personal characteristics, specific types of coping (coping behavior).

The following typical models of a new way of life can be named:

"living in the past", withdrawal into memories and idealization of the past, loss of the meaning of life and rejection of the future, conscious loneliness;

"life is like waiting for death", preparing for a "reunion" with a spouse, waiting for the end of a life path, leaving for a religion, or searching for a philosophical justification for the end of a life cycle;

dominant egocentrism, full concentration on one's own health, well-being, satisfaction of one's own needs and interests; the leading type of activity is self-care and self-service;

integration as strengthening ties with the family of children, the search for new family roles, the realization of oneself in the role of a grandmother (grandfather); the leading type of activity is caring for members of the extended family;

self-realization in professional or social activities;

remarriage, creation of a new family system.

As can be seen, only the last three are constructive models. Remarriage is a fairly rare occurrence in our society, especially for women, who are much more likely than men to be widows. The most typical option for them is integration with the family of children.

One of the spouses may die, and then the survivor must adapt to life alone. Often he is forced to seek new connections with his family. In this case, the single spouse is forced to change his lifestyle and involuntarily accept the lifestyle that is offered to him by his children. Sometimes he is forced to move from the family of one child to another. Naturally, this is far from the best way affects his physical and mental state.

Being in a family of his own children, a widowed spouse painfully experiences his psychological isolation from others. Children preoccupied with their own problems are of little or no interest in either his opinion on certain issues, or his well-being, which is already known to everyone. Therefore, a grandmother (grandfather), whom her own adult children do not indulge in attention, seeks and finds solace in her grandchildren, compensating for the lack of emotional warmth for her in the family with this attachment.

Sometimes, as a way out of this situation, in order to get rid of loneliness and be able to satisfy the need to communicate with people of their generation, a widowed spouse, despite his advanced age, enters into a new marriage. In such a case, his emotional and physical distance with his own children increases, up to a complete break in the relationship.

Recently, in domestic family science, a new approach has appeared to highlight the stages of the family life cycle. Its authors A. I. Antonov and V. M. Medkov believe that the family cycle is determined by the stages of parenthood, that is, the fulfillment by the family of its main function - the birth, upbringing and socialization of children. There are four main stages:

1. Stage of pre-parenthood from marriage to the birth of the first child.

2. Stage of reproductive parenthood The period between the birth of the first and last child. It can partially intersect (and in the case of the birth of an only child completely disappears) with the next period.

3. Stage of socialized parenthood - the period from the birth of the first child to the separation of the last child from the family.

4. Progenitor stage - the period from the birth of the first grandson to the death of one of the grandparents.

On the stages of preparenthood spouses are preparing to become parents and form a family in the strict sense of the word, for only the birth of children turns a married couple into a family, a husband and wife into a father and mother.

On the stages of reproductive parenthood the first child appears and the birth of the second and subsequent children is possible - depending on the family's need for children. This stage can be shorter or longer, depending on the number of births. And only in one case does it have no duration, when there is only an only child in the family.

The second stage gives rise to the third - stages of socialized parenthood, during which the upbringing of children takes place. For many parents, this stage never ends, but it should be limited either to reaching adulthood or to the moment of separation of the last of the adult children. The delay in this separation for many reasons (for example, due to lack of housing) prolongs the stage of socialization of adult children for an indefinite period. The phenomenon of "protracted socialization", when an adult person remains a bachelor, continuing to live with his parents, will be one of the characteristics of the third stage. It is necessary to distinguish between “protracted socialization” and “continued” socialization, when, due to studies or other circumstances, marriage and the beginning of an independent life are postponed.

The appearance of the first grandchild turns the founding parents into grandparents, although this does not yet mean the end of the “socialized parenthood” stage, since minor children may still remain in the family. The last stage - progenitor- lasts until the death of the spouses.

All of the above allows us to distinguish at least five family events (marriage, the birth of the first child, the birth of the last child, separation from the parents of adult children, or, more precisely, the birth of the first grandchild, the death of one or the other spouse), forming four stages of the family cycle. Such a variant of the family cycle can be considered an ideal, complete family cycle.

Unfortunately, not every family, for many reasons of an objective and subjective order, can go through these stages in its development. Voluntary and forced separation of spouses, parents and children, divorces and deaths at different stages of family life create a variety of its fragmented forms, which leads to the incompleteness of the family cycle. In this regard, the following difficulties arise:

On the first the stages of the relationship may be complicated by the fact that one of the spouses has already been married;

On the second stage, a divorce is possible, the result of which will be single parents with children; either the death of the children throws the spouses back into the pre-parental phase, returning them back to reproductive behavior or leaving them childless and stimulating adoption;

On the third stage - socialized parenthood - children for the same reasons become orphans or lose intensive contact with one of the parents, or, dying, stop the stage of socialization and make subsequent events of the family cycle impossible, or encourage spouses to new births, as well as to divorce;

On the fourth At the stage, the widowhood of one of the spouses and the death of the remaining one are expected, although divorces and the death of adult children are also possible.

There are approximate age limits for each phase of the family life cycle, specific to each culture.

At the same time, the question arises: what is the duration of each stage of the family cycle and does the duration of marriage affect the nature of the tasks and problems that the family has to solve in one or another period of its functioning? In this regard, the approach of V. A. Sysenko to the allocation of stages of family life is not without interest. In his opinion, all marriages can be grouped as follows: very young - up to 4 years; young - 5-9 years; medium - 10-19 years; the elderly - 20 years or more.

Such a division of the stages of family life cannot be recognized as strict due to the very conditional allocation of time periods based on the standards of socio-demographic studies. So, for example, the transition from very young to just young marriages often takes place before five years in connection with the "advance" birth of the first child. Nevertheless, the period of the “young family” is singled out by all researchers, without exception, precisely from the standpoint of a multitude of psychological and everyday problems that often destroy the family at the initial stage of its formation. A considerable part of young families break up at the very beginning of a joint married life. The main reasons for the collapse of such marriages are unpreparedness for married life, unsatisfactory living conditions, lack of their own housing, interference of relatives in the relationship of young spouses.

YOUNG FAMILY AS A SPECIAL STAGE IN THE STRUCTURE OF THE FAMILY CYCLE

Numerous problems faced by young spouses during the formation of a family led to the separation of a young family from other types of family unions into a separate group. In addition, a young family is distinguished by a number of psychological characteristics that are not found in the subsequent stages (stages) of family life. Therefore, it makes sense to dwell on the characteristics of a young family in more detail.

In the dictionary on family education, a young family is a married couple with or without children with a family life of up to five years and the age of the spouses is not older than 30 years.

Newly married couples face many challenges. They need to establish an optimal balance of closeness / remoteness, solve the problem of family hierarchy and areas of responsibility. They may suddenly realize that they are very different, and be afraid of these differences. For the first time, they may be faced with the question: “If we are so different, then what are we doing together?” They may begin to struggle with the differences, or they may simply try to ignore them.

Very often, at the beginning of their life together, newlyweds avoid contradictions and criticism of each other, because they want to maintain a friendly atmosphere in the family and not hurt the feelings of the other. But if these contradictions still exist, the desire of the spouses to hide them or not notice after some time leads to the fact that the contradictions grow, and the spouses become more and more easily and strongly irritated.

Another way to overcome disagreements is power struggle. Spouses may try to openly subdue their partner or manipulate him through weakness and illness.

Another important issue during this period is establishing family boundaries. The young couple must establish a territory relatively independent of parental influence, and parents in turn must change the way they interact with their children after they have started their own family.

In the event of a conflict with parental families, the spouses may develop symptomatic behavior. For example, a wife whose husband cannot prevent his mother from interfering in the affairs of a young family may develop symptoms as a way of adjusting to the situation. Some couples try to protect their independence by completely cutting themselves off from interactions with their parents. Usually such attempts are not successful and work to destroy the marriage, since the art of living in marriage involves achieving independence, combined with maintaining emotional ties with relatives.

Very young marriages are characterized not only by the initial entry into the social roles of husband and wife, etc. This period of married life is the most difficult and dangerous in terms of family stability. A young couple may experience tension in the family budget associated with the birth and upbringing of children, a sharp reduction in time and limited opportunities for organizing recreation and leisure, an increase in physical and nervous fatigue. The problems of professional advancement and achievement of social status are aggravated. All this affects the love and friendship of spouses.

REGULATORY FAMILY CRISES AND THE REGULAR CHARACTER OF THEIR APPEARANCE

In the process of development of family and marriage relations, psychologists distinguish periods of “recession in relations”, which are characterized by an increase in feelings of dissatisfaction with each other, differences in views are found among the spouses, quarrels become more frequent, there is a silent protest, a feeling of deceived hopes and reproaches. Such periods are called crisis situations in marriage.

At the heart of the family crisis are certain patterns of development of intra-family relations. Therefore, one should not look for the cause of the situation that has arisen only in the behavior of any of the family members or marriage partners. These patterns must be known and taken into account, adjusting your behavior in accordance with them. In a crisis situation, first of all, it is necessary to show patience, to avoid rash decisions and actions.

There are several such periods, or recessions, in relationships that not all families successfully overcome. They may come:

In the first days after the wedding;

After 2-3 months of married life;

In 6 months;

In a year;

After the birth of the first child;

At the 3-5th year of marriage;

At the 7-8th year;

After 12 years of family life;

In 20–25 years.

The above periods of family crises are considered conditionally, because they are not experienced by all families. At the same time, it should be borne in mind that the transition of a family from one stage of married life to another is often accompanied by the emergence of crisis situations. Any normal, natural event in the life of a family (marriage, the birth of a child, the child entering school, someone's illness, etc.), changes in the family or in its structure caused by these events, invariably give rise to certain problematic situations require the adoption of appropriate decisions, the mobilization of the necessary resources for this.

To characterize such problematic situations caused by the transition from one stage of the life cycle to another, the American researcher Rona Rapoport in 1963 introduced the concept "normative stress", or "normal crisis". She noted that in the normal development of the family there are certain points, called "points of irreversibility", which are the boundaries between the stages of the life cycle and which are critical for the development of the family. They lead either to the resolution of the crisis and the further development of the family, or to the complication of the situation, family maladjustment and the subsequent disintegration of the family.

Under family crisis the value conflict of the individual and society regarding the birth and socialization of children is understood, resulting in the failure to fulfill the reproductive and socialization functions of the family, accompanied by the weakening of the family as a union of relatives, the union of parents and children, the union of spouses, the weakening of the trinity of kinship - parenthood - matrimony due to the disappearance of family production, joint activities of parents and children.

The change in the stages of the family life cycle represents problems in the development of the family system, that is, crises experienced by each family, the content of which is in resolving the contradictions between the new tasks facing the family and the nature of interaction and communication between family members.

Each transition from one stage of the life cycle to another sets new goals and objectives for the family and requires structural and functional restructuring, including a change in the hierarchy of family functions, addressing the issue of primacy and leadership, and the distribution of roles. Successful resolution of transitional crises ensures the effective functioning of the family and its harmonious development.

Usually, in the development of marital relations, two natural ( regulatory) critical period. It is during these periods that divorces and remarriage are most frequent, which, as it turns out later, was also “a mistake”. As a rule, such crises cannot be avoided, but it is possible and necessary to consciously manage them, their course in the interests of further strengthening the family.

First critical period occurs between the 3rd and 7th year of the existence of the family and lasts, in a favorable case, for about one year. The leading role in this case is played by the disappearance of romantic moods, active opposition to the contrast in the partner’s behavior during the period of falling in love and in everyday family life, the growth of disagreements in views on things, the increase in manifestations of negative emotions, the growth of tension in relationships, feelings of dissatisfaction, the emergence of silent protest, feelings deceit and accusations. A crisis situation can also arise without the influence of any external factors that determine the household and economic situation of a married couple, without the intervention of parents, infidelity or some pathological personality traits in one of the spouses.

In such cases, it is recommended to limit conversations regarding marital relations, temporarily avoid manifestations of romantic love and joint discussion of practical problems (for example, raising children). It is better to focus the conversation on the professional interests of the partner, to lead an open life, when each of the spouses does not give up their interests and connections, than to demand sociability from the partner. During this crisis period, spouses must independently seek a way out of the situation, because the intervention of third parties can only aggravate the situation. The relationship of the spouses, despite several years of living together, is very fragile, and any careless interference from the outside can aggravate family destruction and lead to a break in family ties.

Second critical period occurs approximately between the 13th and 23rd year of marriage. This crisis is less deep, but longer in time than the first (it can last for several years). It coincides with the “mid-life crisis” known in developmental psychology. Closer to the age of forty, a person begins to clearly feel the discrepancy between his dreams, life plans and the course of their implementation. Not everyone manages to move along the path of life in strict accordance with the original plans. As a rule, reality turns out to be a cruel editor of ideal plans. In addition, the heavy pressure of time begins to be felt, and the person is no longer sure that he will have time to do everything he wants.

The attitude of others is also changing: the time for distributing advances is coming to an end, the period is passing when it is flattering to be considered “promising”, “promising”, “capable and even talented”. The social environment is waiting for the fulfillment of "promises" and evaluates a mature person by what he has achieved in life. The result of the mid-life crisis is the development of a new image of the Self, a rethinking of life goals, making adjustments to all areas of habitual existence, bringing the personality in line with the changed living conditions.

The mid-life crisis is a difficult test for the family as well. Many mature individuals (especially men) try to motivate their personal failure by the fact that family concerns and problems did not allow them to fully realize themselves, because they had to devote a lot of time and energy to their children. In such cases, leaving the children to an independent life disturbs the family balance. Much of what was hidden behind the vanity of everyday life is revealed in the form of naked problems. Often, spouses who have lived together for two decades, raised children, looking around their home, are surprised to find that they have become strangers - and part.

The onset of the second crisis in marital relations often coincides with the approach of the period of involution, with an increase in emotional instability, fears, the appearance of various somatic complaints, the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of children, the growing emotional dependence of the wife, her worries about aging, as well as the possible desire of the husband sexually express yourself on the side, "before it's too late."

In this crisis, it is necessary to purposefully distract the spouses from the problems of aging and to involve them in various group entertainments, which will require some kind of external intervention, since, as a rule, they themselves can no longer take the initiative. The events of betrayal should not be overdramatized either. It is best to wait until the partner has passed the increased interest in extramarital affairs (which most often ends).

According to the American family therapist V. Satir, the family, as each member grows, must go through ten main crisis stages, which are accompanied by increased anxiety, require a preparatory period and the subsequent redistribution of mental and physical strength.

1. Conception, pregnancy and the birth of the first child. Marriage as a relationship to a certain extent egoistic develops into a family as altruistic relationship. There is a change in the role structure of the family.

2. The beginning of the development of human speech by a child, which requires serious work of parents.

3. Establishing a child's relationship with the external environment, most often at school. The need to adapt children and parents to a situation where elements of the school, "street" world penetrate the family.

4. Entry of the child into adolescence, age difficulties, possible conflicts with parents.

5. Child growing up, leaving home in search of independence, independence. Feeling to parents and this period as a loss (syndrome of "empty nest").

6. Marriage of adult children, entry into the family of new members (daughter-in-law, son-in-law, grandchildren), problems in relationships with them.

7. The onset of menopause in the life of a woman-wife.

8. Decreased sexual activity in men.

9. Becoming parents as grandparents.

10. Sunset period: departure from the lives of spouses.

We offer you another classification of family life cycles in terms of normative family crises ( tab. one).

Table 1. Family crises

PSYCHOLOGICAL CAUSES OF FAMILY CRISES

Along with the objective conditions that can lead to a crisis in the family, there are also subjective factors associated with personal characteristics of the spouses and a change in the feeling of love, which can also cause crisis relationships in marriage. Why does it happen that after a while love turns into indifference, and perhaps into hatred?

It has become a trivial truth that marriage is a complex thing and the demands placed on a partner are constantly growing. Today, for a happy marriage, it is not enough that a man brings into the house as much money as is needed for a comfortable life, and the wife does a good housekeeping. It is no secret that problems grow over time, which become an insurmountable obstacle for spouses and lead to a family crisis. Let's take a look at some of them.

1. A frivolous attitude to the worries and problems of a life partner. Husband and wife cannot get out of the state of children's perception of each other and, for any reason, are offended by the fact that the other could not (did not want) to fulfill their “cherished desire”.

2. Forgetfulness and neglect in relationships between spouses. At the same time, women suffer from the fact that husbands often forget important dates of their life together, birthdays of loved ones over time. Because the husband devotes a lot of time to work, and she has to limit her business life. The wife wants her husband to let her know that he remembers his wife and considers her a faithful assistant in all his endeavors.

Husbands, for their part, also do not like being forgotten. A man is sometimes even more touchy than a woman. He thinks like this: she always has time to do her hair and makeup, but she doesn’t have time for me ...

3. Excessive demands on the spouse(from a life partner they expect what he cannot give). Now, among a large number of women, the following point of view prevails: "Now I am a husband's wife, and the husband is obliged to make me happy, no matter what it costs him." Requirements are put forward: the salary of the spouse should be high, and he himself should be gentle and caring.

Husbands, in turn, are also not averse to raising the bar for their half. A wife should be an excellent housewife and mother, feed her husband on time, always look good, correspond to the sexual aspirations of a man. If a woman does not meet this set of "standard" qualities, a man believes that he has the moral right to divorce or take a mistress.

4. Mismatch of sexual desires of partners. Sometimes a woman does not like it if a man demands from her what she does not want. The other, on the contrary, strives for what the spouse is not ready for. Marriage can be saved only by the full frankness of the spouses about their claims in sex and the rejection of excessive demands or too violent fantasies. However, whether this marriage will remain happy is a big question.

5. Feeling envious of your partner's success. Nowadays, it can appear in both partners - about a successful career, a big salary, etc. If a husband is successful, the wife sometimes begins to experience fear that she is not needed by a successful spouse, relegated to the background, which is now more interesting to him with others women. Along with envy comes a feeling of jealousy. These same emotions are characteristic of men. As a result, life together begins to unravel.

6. The partner makes it clear to the other that he is no longer attracted to him. Indeed, one has only to tell a man or woman that he (she) has lost all interest for you, that there are others who are much more attractive, smart, sexy, as the abyss begins to expand so rapidly that there is no hope for recovery.

Psychologists say that love has its own biorhythms: it is born, it grows, and then it can fade away. The most "peak" moments of cooling of feelings in the family fall on the first, third, seventh and fourteenth years of marriage ( tab. 2).

It should be noted that, as a rule, it is impossible to avoid such crises, but it is possible to consciously manage their course in the interests of further strengthening the family. To do this, spouses need to know that serious family problems are caused by ri main mistakes of spouses(see below).

Manifestation of family crises

1. Couples do not want to admit the existence of a problem, which means that they do nothing to overcome it, neither at the moment of its occurrence, nor later. They pretend the problem doesn't exist.

For example, a husband gets angry because his mother-in-law constantly advises his wife on how to live with her husband. However, he does not say anything to his wife. And if he hints timidly about the position of his mother-in-law, which is unpleasant for him, then his wife simply replies: “That’s the mother.” And when children appear, the mother-in-law takes all the reins of government into her own hands and begins to command not only her daughter, but the whole family. A husband and wife quarrel over the excessive interference of the wife's mother in their family life. Now they have a big problem, which should have been solved at the very beginning of family life.

2. Spouses do not discuss financial matters with each other. The wife is inferior to her husband or, conversely, she herself manages all the financial affairs of the family. But a situation may arise in which the family urgently needs money, but there is none. Accusations follow each other, and suddenly a serious crisis arises, which could have been avoided if they had discussed the financial condition of their family together. Finance should be a shared enterprise, regardless of who brings the money into the house.

3. Husband and wife do not listen, and therefore do not hear each other. Spouses do not pay attention to each other's needs, and when a crisis arises, each tries to find a solution that meets exclusively his own interests and needs. They begin to quarrel instead of solving the problem together.

To resolve emerging financial, sexual and social crises, you can use simple psychological techniques.

Rules of conduct in a crisis situation

1. Be willing to give 60% and expect to get back only 40%. When a couple tries to build their relationship on an equal footing, then everyone expects to be the first to get their 50%. But if everyone is ready to give 60%, then they will eventually learn to do something constantly pleasant for each other.

2. Preface the beginning of a serious conversation with a soothing and encouraging phrase: "I love you." This helps to restrain impulsive manifestations of temperament. You will remind your spouse that, despite the problems, in your soul you care about her peace and well-being.

3. Negotiate with open cards. Say: "I would like such and such" or "That's what I think ...". This will make it easier for you to find a compromise solution.

The success of resolving a family crisis largely depends on its severity. Psychologists distinguish several degrees of marital crisis. Light crisis usually starts suddenly and also suddenly stops. As a rule, there are no repeated serious conflicts: having burned themselves in the flames of a quarrel, the parties begin to behave more carefully and prudently. Crisis of medium severity lasts at least three months. Outsiders may not notice him: outwardly, peace reigns in the family. But this is the calm before the storm, full of hostile and hostile silence. Severe family crisis does not go away within six months. Here, not only can love disappear, but mutual hatred often arises. The family ceases to exist.

To avoid family crises due to mutual cooling or lack of understanding, spouses should not turn their marriage into a habit, into a joint existence. You must always show your partner how dear he is to you, how significant he is to you, that he is your particle, without which you will feel very bad. To do this, you need to work on yourself, because happiness does not come by itself, but is created by two loving people.

ABNORMAL CRISES IN THE FAMILY

Along with the so-called normative crises associated with important family events that each family experiences throughout its life cycle, non-normative crises are also distinguished, inherent only in some families. Abnormal family crises are most often associated with events such as divorce, adultery, changes in family composition not related to the birth of a child, adoption of adopted children, the inability of spouses to live together for various reasons, teenage pregnancy, financial difficulties, etc. Stressors that cause abnormal family crises are divided into superstrong and chronic.

TO extreme stressors include: death of one of the spouses, parent or child; adultery; a sharp and radical change in the social situation of family development (change in social status, financial situation of the family); severe chronic illness of one of its members.

Chronic stressors(long-term) act on the principle of "a drop wears away a stone" and include factors such as unfavorable housing and material conditions; high emotional tension and significant chronic stress in professional activities; excessive household loads; disruption of interpersonal communication and long-term conflict both in the marital and parent-child subsystems.

Factors of a sharp change in the stereotype of family life and the summation of difficulties (the “last drop” effect) are also characterized by significant stressfulness.

The ability of a family to withstand stressful factors is determined by its cohesion and the availability of internal and external resources to counteract stress. The emergence of an unexpected crisis event leads to an imbalance in the family system and requires adaptation to a new reality. The psychological mechanism of such adaptation, according to J. Sandler, is the refusal to achieve the former ideal image of the family and its replacement with a new ideal, close to reality. The process of family individuation acts as a condition for its normal development, directed to the future and preventing "stuck" and regression to pre-existing ideal states.

The most common and dangerous forms of non-normative crises are jealousy and adultery. A distinctive feature of such crises is that they concern only a married couple, but they have a destructive effect on the whole family as a whole and, first of all, on the children brought up in it. Unfortunately, a fairly common option for resolving such crises is the collapse of the family system (divorce), which entails the emergence of new social and psychological problems for each member of the broken family.

QUESTIONS AND TASKS

1. Define the concept of "family life cycle" and name the main approaches to identifying the stages of the family cycle.

2. Describe the main patterns of family development throughout its life cycle. Determine the conditions for the emergence of crisis situations in marriage.

3. What is meant by normative crises in family development? What is their psychological content? What characterizes non-normative family crises? What is their main difference from the normative ones?

4. What impact does a mid-life crisis have on family relationships?

5. What are the risk factors for the destruction and disintegration of a family at each stage of its life cycle? Factors of its resilience?

6. Reconstruct the history of meeting and starting a family with a family group you know. Try to determine the stage of her life cycle and the possibility of a normative (non-normative) crisis in marital relations. What, in your opinion, is a risk factor and what is the key to the stability of future relationships in this family? Why?

Analyze the following situations and answer the questions

Situation 1. My husband and I have been married for eighteen years, and now we are much more like two good friends than a couple of passionate lovers. We very rarely have sex. Our relationship can be called simply "convenient". Some part of me longs for a return to the old passion, but my friends believe that in reality, after many years of married life, all couples come to the same place. Maybe they are right in saying that I want too much?

Situation 2.“My husband and I need help. We lived together soul to soul for eighteen years, raised four children, and now it turned out that there was not a trace of our passion for each other. We have an even, calm relationship, but less and less we want to have sex, and in everything else we have dull boredom. I don't want to believe that this is the natural end of any marriage. Can we bring passion back into our relationship?"

1. Which of the normative crises in marital relations are we talking about? What characterizes this crisis?

2. What should spouses know about the specifics of this crisis?

3. Should a woman (situation 1) blindly rely on the “authoritative” opinion of her friends? What are they right about and what are they wrong about? Justify your answer.

Situation 3.“From time to time I have doubts about whether my wife and I are suitable for each other, because we still have problems and conflicts happen. We have been together for eight years and love each other very much. During this time, we have learned a lot, but we still continue to sort things out over trifles. We have to think all the time about how not to offend each other, learn to pay more attention to a partner and at the same time try not to overstep certain boundaries. Do you think these difficulties can be overcome?

1. What kind of family crisis is not known to marriage partners? Is everything that happens to them an accident or a pattern?

2. How correct is the tactics of their relationship?

3. Is it possible to overcome what worries the husband so much? What needs to be done for this? Justify your answer.

Situation 4.“Our marriage is twenty-eight years old, and the last ten of them, my husband and I are completely indifferent to each other. Some time ago, we seriously considered divorce, but we came to the conclusion that none of us wants to rebuild our lives. Can we rekindle love, or is it better to come to terms with the fact that our feelings for each other have faded?

1. What is the wife's concern? How justified is her concern?

2. Should the spouses come to terms with the current situation, or should something change in their relationship? How to do it? Which one should take the initiative?

3. What would you suggest to this couple to overcome the crisis in their marriage?

Situation 5.“Whenever I try to talk to my husband about the fact that our relationship is not without problems, and convince him of the need for serious work on it, he replies that “he prefers to accept things as they are and is quite satisfied with his life.” It does not suit me, but no matter what I do, he ignores all my attempts. He just doesn't want to change. How can I make him work on me?

Situation 6.“Getting something from my husband is like ramming your head into a stone wall. He refuses to discuss our relationship, claiming that I'm the only one with problems, and when I suggest he read books on family relationships or go to a psychologist, he says that I can go anywhere, but he should be left alone. So the years go by. Our marriage is about to collapse, and he does not want to understand this; I feel as if saving my family is my own business. What do you think of it? Is there a way to “wake up” my husband?”

1. How justified are women's fears about the indifferent attitude of their husbands to the situation in the family?

2. Is it possible to force another person to change without his own desire, especially if he does not see problems in his life?

3. What should a woman do to “stir up” her husband and prove to him that their life together can be different, more interesting?

4. What are the prospects for such marriages? What can happen to families if husbands never want to change something in their relationship with their wives?

Situation 7.“I don’t understand what is happening to me. For some time, I literally cannot live without my husband, I need to constantly see him, talk to him, be near him. But then something seems to “break” in me - it becomes completely indifferent to me whether he exists or not. What used to please, only brings grief, irritates. At first I liked everything about him, and he was always interesting to me, but now ... It seems to me that every year something leaves our relationship. Is this how love leaves and we will eventually have to part?

1. In your opinion, what stage of family life and which of the normative crises in marital relations are we talking about? What are the features of its course?

2. How justified are the woman's fears about a possible separation from her husband?

Situation 8.“All his life Harry worked hard, persistently moved forward. He prepared for retirement, bought a car with a trailer to go anywhere he wanted, and decided to sell the house. Now he felt free. His wife Helen was against the sale of the house, but he assured her that everything would be fine. In the end, she believed him and agreed to this proposal.

The day after Harry's retirement, after selling the house, they hit the road to pursue his dream. After two months, they stopped talking to each other. Harry became seriously ill six months later; a year later he was gone.

I must say that Harry liked to impose his rules and requirements on everyone, he strove for everything to be done exactly as he saw fit. He did not know how to communicate with people, was impatient and categorical. By virtue of his nature, he went through very important changes that separate his past life from what lay ahead. The consequences were terrible. During his illness, Helen refused to look after him, and even after his death, the dislike for him was so strong that she did not come to the funeral.

1. What are the features of the crisis associated with the retirement of spouses? How is the experience of this crisis different for men? Among women?

2. What was Harry unable or unwilling to consider when selling the family home and going on a road trip with his wife?

3. Who is to blame for what happened to this couple? What is the fault of each spouse? Justify your answer.

4. Could the tragedy that happened to this family have been avoided? What had to be done for this?

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4. Karabanova O. I. Psychology of family relations and the basics of family counseling. M., 2004.

5. Kratochvil S. Psychotherapy of family and sexual disharmony. M., 1991.

6. Family crises: phenomenology, diagnostics, psychological help. M.; Obninsk, 2005.

7. Olifirovich N. I., Zinkevich-Kuzemkina T. A., Velenta T. F. Psychology of family crises. SPb., 2006.

8. Parchment maker L. A. Crisis psychology. Minsk, 2004.

9. Polivanova K. N. Psychology of age crises. M., 2000.

10. Page S. Married life: the path to harmony. M., 1995.

11. Strelkov Yu.K. Psychology of life crises and significant events // Psychological journal. 1993. V. 14. No. 5. S. 141–152.

12. Tseluiko V. M. Psychology of the modern family. M., 2004 (2006).

As part of a systematic approach, the first detailed description of the family life cycle appeared in J. Haley's book "Unusual Psychotherapy". He noted the fact that during the transition from one stage to another, the family experiences natural developmental crises, similar to those that arise during the formation of a personality. During periods of transition, family members face new challenges that require a significant restructuring of their relationships.

Each new stage is associated with a change in all the basic parameters of the family structure. Many families successfully resolve this situation by rebuilding and adapting to new conditions. This process is usually accompanied by personal growth of family members. However, if the family fails to rebuild, then the solution of the problems of the next period of the family life cycle becomes more difficult, which, in turn, can aggravate the passage of the next crisis.

Table4. Relationship dynamics in the family

First family crisis. The first years of married life are an important and largely defining period of a family's existence. They can be used to judge the potential quality of a marriage and make predictions about the stability of a given family. Despite the bright emotional coloring and romanticism characteristic of a young marriage, this stage of family life is one of the most difficult, as evidenced by the large number of divorces that fall on it. The problems of this stage may be associated with the difficulties of family adaptation and the difficulty of accepting new roles; often they are a consequence of the inseparability of spouses from parental families.

When creating a family, the spouses are faced with the need to solve a number of important tasks, which lie primarily in the sphere of emotional relations. One of them is the strengthening of the emotional connection in a married couple and separation from the parental family without breaking emotional contacts with it. Spouses, on the one hand, must learn to belong to each other without losing closeness to the extended family, on the other hand, to be part of their own family without losing their individuality. A couple's ability to have close and independent relationships is often determined by the extent to which each of the spouses managed to become an independent person in the parental family. M. Bowen argues that those who failed to gain autonomy within the parental family are distinguished by emotional coldness or a tendency to merge with a partner (Bowen M., 2005). A high level of merging of spouses is formed, as a rule, due to the strong suppression of the individual needs of one or both spouses, which causes fear of losing one's "I" and leads to increased tension in the couple. When the period of idealization of a partner passes, attempts to get out of the merger and defend one's "I" can become a source of high tension and conflict in a couple.

In addition to solving emotional problems associated with establishing an optimal psychological distance, young spouses also need to distribute family roles and responsibilities, resolve family hierarchy issues, develop acceptable forms of cooperation, share responsibilities, agree on a system of values, undergo sexual adaptation to each other. It is at this stage that partners look for answers to the questions: “Who is the head of the family?”, “What are acceptable ways to resolve the conflict?”, “What emotions are considered acceptable in the family?”, “Who is responsible for what and under what conditions? » Thus, during this crisis period, the spouses adapt to each other, looking for a type of family relationship that would satisfy both. The ability of spouses to resolve problems depends to a large extent on their ability to overcome their own selfishness and show altruistic love. Modern researchers note that although most marriages in our time are for love, this love is often selfish, i.e. the other is loved because he is needed, without him it is impossible to satisfy some vital needs, i.e. they most likely love themselves, and not the object of love (LB Schneider, 2000). According to I.F. Dementieva, selfish attitudes of young spouses (when their own desires and interests come first) are associated with certain features of raising children in modern conditions. Parental care has become excessive. Education does not aim to instill in the child labor skills, rather the opposite: there is an active search for "clean work", "higher education" for children; often falsely prestigious considerations of parents come to the fore: “Our child is no worse than others.” This leads to selfish attitudes of young people and the potential instability of their families (A.N. Elizarov, 1995).

Successful problem solving during this period contributes to the development of long-term stable forms of behavior that operate throughout the entire life cycle of the family and help to survive subsequent family crises.

Second family crisis. The second normative crisis is traditionally viewed as a transitional stage in the life cycle of the family, due to the fact of the birth of a child.

The birth of a new family member is an event that can lead to a number of difficulties. With the advent of a child, the spouses face the need to rebuild relationships again (the problems of hierarchy, intimacy, etc., which were stabilized at the previous stage, are actualized). There are new aspects of relations with relatives.

The fact of the birth of a child indicates the transition of dyadic relations in the family into triad ones: a triangle of relations is formed, which includes parents and a child. The basic family triangle consists of father, mother and child. The formation of triangles and the involvement of the third in the relationship usually helps to reduce the tension in the original dyad. In the period after the birth of a child, the father is usually on the periphery of the triangle, and a symbiotic relationship is formed between mother and child. During this period, the father may feel excluded from the family, experience a feeling of jealousy, since the mother directs all her attention to the child. In response to the distancing of the spouse, the husband often has a feeling of "emotional hunger" (Whitaker K., Bamberri V., 1997) and the need to seek closeness with other family members, outside the family, or go into the sphere of professional achievements, further moving away from the family. A wife who expects emotional support from her husband and help with childcare and housekeeping, and not getting what she wants, may begin to experience resentment and make claims against her husband. Thus, from the first days of life, the child acts as a regulator of the psychological distance between parents. Quite acute during this period is the problem of a lack of self-realization in the mother, whose activity is limited only by caring for the child and family. Women who are previously occupied with their own careers may experience feelings of dissatisfaction. The spouse's personal crisis can become an additional factor that destabilizes the family during this period.

At this time, the problems of the external boundaries of the family again become relevant. The birth of a child is a fact of the union of two families. New roles appear - grandparents; the intensity of contacts with parental families is changing. A marriage that was not recognized in the extended family, or was considered temporary, is often legalized with the birth of a child.

Third family crisis. At this stage, the family may experience a crisis associated with the inclusion of the child in external social structures (children's preschool institution and school). Parents for the first time experience the fact that the child belongs not only to them, but also to a wider social system, which can also influence him.

The inclusion of children in external social institutions can reveal existing family dysfunctions, since the nature and quality of children's adaptation to a new situation in their lives is determined by the characteristics of existing intra-family relations. Psychological problems of children, therefore, can act as an indicator of the presence of intra-family problems.

The admission of a child to school requires flexibility from the family, expressed in the ability to accept the fact that the child has acquired a new social status and change its structural parameters. Due to the expansion of the sphere of social contacts of the child, changes occur in the external boundaries of the family. It is important for parents to organize adequate assistance to the student. In this regard, they are often forced to reconsider the distribution of responsibilities in the family.

The difficulties of experiencing this crisis can be complicated by the presence of disagreements or a split in the parental dyad. The couple can now try to solve problems through the child. It can be used as a scapegoat, a partner in a coalition of one spouse against another, a mediator in conflicts, and sometimes the only justification for marriage. In addition, if the spouses failed to agree and develop a common educational strategy for the child, then this can lead to a war in which each of the spouses seeks to win the child over to their side. The union of one of the parents with the child against the other, being one of the most common problems of the existence of the family, is especially acutely experienced in its transitional (crisis) periods.

The experience of the crisis under consideration can be influenced by the critical period of marital relations, which occurs approximately between the third and seventh years of marriage. It is associated with the disappearance of romantic feelings and moods, with the appearance of a feeling of fatigue from marriage and disappointment in a partner. The decrease in tolerance and tolerance of spouses towards each other in this period, compared with the first years of marriage, the expansion of the role range and the emergence of new areas of relations that require spouses to be able to negotiate, exacerbates the course of the third normative family crisis.

Fourth family crisis. This family crisis is connected with the need for the family to adapt to the fact that the child is growing up and reaching puberty. Adolescence is the period of secondary individuation of the child, which, according to Blos, includes two mutually intertwined processes: 1) separation or separation;

2) rejection of parents as the main objects of love and finding substitutes outside the family.

The complexity of the process of secondary individuation can be expressed in the ambivalent behavior of a teenager: he can seem either very adult, or a very small child. The inconsistency of the process of growing up, as a rule, is painfully experienced by the parents themselves and causes polar experiences associated with the desire to either control the child excessively or maintain his autonomy. This is a kind of test for them in the ability to trust the child.

For the child himself, adolescence is a very difficult period. The personality of a teenager is not yet formed. Any interference in his life causes anxiety and is perceived by him as a threat to his integrity. The body undergoes changes: a girl becomes a girl, a boy becomes a boy. As a rule, the nature of overcoming adolescent collisions by the parents themselves influences the characteristics of the family's experience of this crisis. From the standpoint of their own experience, they may seek to protect children from the "mistakes" they made at the same age. Some parents try to realize through their children what they themselves could not do or receive from their parents at one time. However, most often they tend to reproduce their own experience of child-parent relationships, interacting with the child in the same way as their parents did.

In any case, during this period, the family needs to work out an agreement about what the child can and cannot be responsible for, what are the duties of parents now. This process can be very painful, accompanied by conflicts, lack of understanding on both sides, unwillingness to reckon with each other's feelings, attempts by parents to increase control over the teenager and emotional detachment from his real difficulties, rejection of his new status.

A systematic approach to the family is the most authoritative in modern family psychology. Within the paradigm of the systems approach, the family is seen as an open, self-organizing social system that is in constant interchange with the environment. The functioning of the family is subject to two main complementary laws - the law of homeostasis(focus on maintaining constancy and stability) and the law of development. The law of development means that the family, like any system, can be characterized in a historical aspect in terms of genesis, development and liquidation (cessation of existence). Therefore, we can talk about the life cycle of the family and a certain periodicity and sequence of stages of its transformation from the emergence to the termination of life. The term "family development cycle" was first used by E. Duvall and R. Hill in 1948. Consideration of the dynamics of family development was based on E. Erickson's idea of ​​the specificity of tasks solved by a person at each stage of family development. Each stage of its life cycle corresponds to specific development tasks.

The life cycle of family development is determined by objective events (birth, death) and is carried out in the context of age-related changes in all family members. Age-related psychological changes concerning the personality of each family member radically transform the life of the latter: the system of needs and motives of the individual, the ways of her behavior and activities, the social status of family members, and, consequently, the style of communication and the nature of the functioning of the family as a whole, change.

A review of the existing periodizations of the family life cycle allows us to conclude that all of them are based on the criteria for changing the place of children in the family structure and the implementation of the educational function by the spouses. E.K. Vasilyeva distinguishes five stages of the family life cycle, each of which solves its own specific tasks of its development. The first is the emergence of a family before the birth of the first child; the second - the birth and upbringing of children - ends with the beginning of the labor activity of at least one child. The third stage is associated with the end of the family's educational function from the beginning of the labor activity of at least one child until the moment when none of the children remains in the care of the parents. In the fourth stage, adult children live with their parents and at least one of them does not have a family of his own. Finally, at the final, fifth stage, the spouses live alone or with children who have families of their own. R. Neubert highlights the stages of life together; after the birth of children, their upbringing; education of children of senior school age; separating children from their parents and raising grandchildren. In the periodization of V. Barkai, we see a similar sequence of stages: a family without children; family with young children; family with children attending kindergarten; family with children of school age; a family in which children have acquired partial independence; finally, the family left behind by the children. In Hill's periodization, the stage of the monad is replaced by the stages of marriage, the birth of a child, living with a child until adolescence, the stage of "chicks flying out of the nest", the stage of the death of one of the spouses, and again the stage of the monad. To a somewhat lesser extent, the importance of the educational function of the family is reflected in the periodization of M. Erickson, where the life cycle of the family consists of periods of courtship, marital behavior, the birth of a child and interaction with him, mature marriage, weaning children from parents, pensions and old age.

Consider the life cycle of a family, which is based on the periodization proposed by B. Carter and M. McGoldrick.

The criteria for this periodization are the following family characteristics: 1) life goals; 2) tasks implemented to achieve these goals; 3) composition; 4) transitions from one stage to another in accordance with the new life orientations of the family system. The last criterion, in our opinion, is nothing more than a normative family crisis, since the transition to a new stage first of all requires a restructuring of the entire family system. There are two scenarios for the development of a family at each stage of the life cycle: a well-being scenario, which implies the successful resolution of the tasks facing the spouses, and a scenario of trouble, the destructive development of the family, caused by its inability to resolve these tasks. Between these two extreme options is a continuum of individual family development trajectories that determine the degree of its harmony and efficiency of functioning. The solution of the problems of each subsequent stage is determined by the success of solving the problems of the previous stage in the presence of continuity and interconnection between them.

The life cycle of a family includes six stages: premarital period, marriage and the formation of a new married couple, a family with small children, a family with adolescent children, the period of acquisition of adult status by children and their separation (“chicks leave their native nest”), the period of life after separation children. Even a simple enumeration of the stages of the life cycle of the family convincingly indicates that the most important core function of the modern family is the function of parenting and raising children. The length of marriage does not determine the stage of the family life cycle. The transition of a family to a qualitatively new stage of its development is determined by the solution of the problems of giving birth and raising children. Let's consider each of these stages in more detail.

Stage 1 The premarital period (the young adult outside the marriage union), or "monad time".

Target: achieving emotional and economic independence of the individual, taking responsibility for oneself and one's destiny.

Tasks:

• emotional differentiation of the self from the family of parents, autonomization of the personality, acquisition of independence;
• development of the intimacy of interpersonal relationships (according to E. Erickson), the ability to love and be loved in interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex, the search for a marriage partner;
• the formation of the I of the individual through the acquisition of a profession and the achievement of economic independence.

The development and functioning of the future family is largely determined by the success of solving these problems. If the tasks are not solved, they are postponed and their solution is transferred to the subsequent stages of family development, which, undoubtedly, is fraught with low efficiency in the functioning of the newly created family.

Stage 2 Marriage, the formation of a new married couple, or "time of the dyad."

Target: formation of a new family system based on marriage.

Tasks:

• development and coordination of common family values ​​and family way of life;
• addressing leadership issues and establishing leadership;
• distribution of roles, acceptance of responsibility of spouses for their implementation;
• determination of the financial and economic status of the family, organization of the family budget, solution of the territorial problem of the family (problem of residence);
• organization of leisure;
• marriage and family adaptation of spouses as an adaptation to life in the family;
• the formation of family identity "We", the development of a common position regarding the future of the family, planning the main life goals;
• establishing relationships with the extended family (parents and relatives of each spouse).

The viability of the family and its future largely depend on the success of solving the problems of forming a new family system. The awareness of the relationship "I and You" is replaced by the awareness of a new quality of relationships - "We". The end of the "honeymoon" marks the beginning of the restructuring of the previous relationship of intimacy and intensity of experiencing the feeling of love and turning to the solution of the entire spectrum of tasks of this stage. It is then that the young family is especially sensitive to the effects of stressors. Marriages often break up, which indicates both the complexity of the tasks of this stage of the family life cycle, and the insufficient psychological readiness of young spouses to solve them, due to the low efficiency of solving the problems of the previous stage, in particular, the preservation of emotional, behavioral, and value dependence on the parent; lei, the lack of economic independence of a young family, etc. A serious moment in the initiation of young spouses to readiness for married life is their solution of the problem of establishing a new system of relations with the extended family on the basis of autonomy from the families of the grandparents. A feature of the Russian family is that the beginning of the family life of young spouses often takes place on the territory of one of the parental families and is accompanied by the arrival of a new member in the parental family. The positioning of the members of the extended family is carried out in the coordinates of “friend or foe”, which creates the danger of group pressure from the extended family on the “outsider”, his not “equivalent” position in the family. This situation is well reflected in the meaning of the word "primak" in colloquial Russian, denoting the husband as a new member of the family. Primak is a spouse "accepted" into the extended family and, due to his position, does not have the full and equivalence of rights, unlike "indigenous" family members.

Marriage adaptation is seen as a process of gradual adaptation of spouses to life together on the basis of positive feelings of sympathy, love, friendship and respect for each other. Marriage adaptation includes: 1) adaptation to new marriage and family roles and coordinated role activities; 2) adaptation to the needs, life values, interests and lifestyle of the spouse; 3) adaptation to the individual typological features, character and personal qualities of the partner; 4) adaptation to the professional activities of the partner; 5) sexual adaptation of partners [Sysenko, 1986].

Stage 3 Family with small children (up to adolescence).

Target: the beginning of the implementation of the function of raising children, the expansion of the family system with the inclusion of new members.

Tasks:

• change in the structural and functional structure of the family with the formation of marital and parent-child subsystems;
• formation of the parental position of mother and father;
• adapting the family system to include children;
• development of a strategy, tactics and methods of education, their implementation;
• Establishing a new relationship with the extended family, including grandparent roles for grandparents.

A number of authors subdivide the indicated stage of the family life cycle into the stage of a family with infants, preschool children, and school-age children (A.N. Volkova, T.M. Trapeznikova, N.L. Vasilyeva). Such a division is not unfounded, since the age of children determines the specific tasks of upbringing and the forms of parent-child relationships, and thus the ability of each of the spouses to maintain their former roles in the professional and social spheres of activity.

The birth of a child creates a serious crisis in the family system, making it particularly vulnerable and unstable to various stressors. K. Whitaker wrote that all the difficulties of family life recede into the background when the family is faced with the problems of expecting a child, pregnancy, childbirth and caring for a baby. According to S. Minukhin, the birth of a child entails a complex reorganization of the family, associated with the emergence of its new substructure, which sometimes threatens the existence of the family itself. There is an objective need to revise the previous distribution of roles and responsibilities in the family, and the possibilities for maintaining recreational activities and communication outside the family are also changing. As a rule, the wife gives priority to parental and family roles, abandoning her former lifestyle and activity in professional activities. The husband, on the contrary, becomes more active in work, since it is he who assumes full responsibility for the material well-being of the family. For example, a family with infants in need of special care and upbringing severely limits the ability of the mother, who usually assumes the role of the infant's immediate educator, to maintain her former lifestyle and social roles.

We emphasize that the birth of children leads to the need to radically revise and rebuild the old family system. Relations between spouses are now realized in two ways: in terms of actually marital relations - between husband and wife - and in terms of parental relations - between the father and mother who are raising a child. The coordination of these two plans of relations is a special, far from simple task. The function of parenting and raising children determines the nature of the change in marital relations at this stage compared to the previous one. Of particular importance is the question of when and in what form the wife will return to professional activity, how and between whom the redistribution of the functions of raising a child will be carried out. For example, at the stage of raising a baby, the spouse is usually the only source of material means of subsistence for the family, monopolizes the function of the "breadwinner". And at the stage of raising children of preschool age, i.e. from the moment the spouse returns to active production activities, it becomes necessary to revise the distribution of household duties and responsibility for raising a child between spouses. Successful combination by spouses of two most important spheres of life - family and professional - is one of the central problems of this stage of family development.

The formation of the child-parent subsystem of relations radically restructures and complicates the life of the family. Although these relationship plans - actually marital and parental - are largely intertwined and interdependent, one can often observe their inconsistency in the question of the degree of satisfaction of the spouses with the quality of these relations. For example, a high degree of subjective satisfaction of spouses with the nature of their own marital relations can be combined with conflict, lack of mutual understanding and divergence of views on the upbringing of children and the degree of participation of each of the parents in it, i.e. in relations between spouses as father and mother of a common child (children). On the contrary, marital relations on the verge of a break are quite compatible with complete mutual understanding and unity of views on the values, goals and methods of raising children.

A fundamentally important feature of this stage of the family life cycle is the transition of the spouses to the beginning of the implementation of the parental function. The formation of a parental position is in many respects a turning point, a crisis process for both parents, which largely determines the fate of the development of children in the family, the nature of parent-child relationships and the development of the personality of the parent himself. The parental and educational role is fundamentally different from the marital one in that when forming a marital union, both partners are free to terminate marital relations and dissolve the marriage, while the parent is a “lifelong” role performed by the individual and it is impossible to cancel it. Even in the so-called "refusal" cases, when parents renounce their right and obligation to raise a child, leaving him in a maternity hospital or orphanage, the mother / father retains responsibility for their moral choice, remaining parents, even if only biological ones.

A number of tendencies characteristic of a young family that arise after the birth of a child can be distinguished: traditionalization of the family is carried out, which implies an increase in the factor of sexual dimorphism and a woman's focus on family roles; there is a relative increase in the rigidity of the role structure of the family; there is a sharp and radical change in lifestyle, in particular, a reduction in time, leisure, communication with friends, an intensification of domestic and industrial work, and an increase in tension; increased sense of responsibility and often anxiety for the future of the family and the well-being of the child; the time of communication of the spouses is reduced, problems of a sexual nature arise and often the experience of the loss of a sense of love. In those cases when the father is removed from the care of the baby and educational functions, he experiences a feeling of jealousy and envy for the child, for the relationship of his emotional closeness with his mother. Such experiences have an extremely destructive effect on marital relations and the formation of a paternal position. There is a threat of its distortion.

Another important plan of relations in the family system that arises after the birth of children is the relationship of the nuclear family with the grandparents, which determine the new role space of relations within the extended family. In this role space, relations between the grandparents and spouses-parents of the child are being restructured based on the recognition of their new age and role status. The older generation accepts and masters new family roles - grandparents, whose important functions are: raising grandchildren; preservation of family history and traditions, ensuring the continuity of generations; function of arbitrators in family conflicts and disputes; the function of keepers of family wisdom; assistance in solving problem situations and crises faced by the family. The task of restructuring former relationships within the extended family becomes urgent. It is at this stage that the likelihood of increasing the cohesion of the extended family, optimizing emotional relationships and developing meaningful cooperation between the older and middle generations sharply increases.

So, the birth of a child entails the following major changes in the life of the family and the personal development of each of the spouses:

• development of the identity of spouses based on the adoption of the roles of mother and father;
• change in the role structure of the family, including redistribution
• functions and the emergence of new parental roles;
• change in role relations outside the family - in the areas of professional, friendly relations and hobbies;
• changing the system of relations in the extended family based on the older generation accepting the roles of grandparents.

Stage 4 Family with teenagers.

The main psychological characteristic of the family at this stage of the life cycle is the coincidence or significant intersection of the crisis age stages of each generation of the family system. The older generation of grandparents is faced with the need to stop active industrial and social activities and restructure their lifestyle due to the emergence of problems of loss of physical strength and capabilities.

The middle generation of spouses-parents is entering a mid-life crisis that requires a rethinking of the life path and summing up. Finally, the younger generation - adolescents - claims the right to recognition of their new status - the status of an adult, which necessarily leads to a restructuring of the system of parent-child relations. The intersection of three age-related crises - old age, midlife and adolescence - experienced by three generations of the extended family, each of which is characterized by its own unique developmental tasks, creates a special vulnerability of the family system at this stage of the life cycle. It is at this stage that the maximum anxiety of family members, the experience of a sense of loss of security, and insecurity are ascertained.

Target: development of the family system, taking into account the growing independence of children and the inclusion of care for the older generation (grandparents).

Tasks:

• revision of the system of parent-child relations in the direction of recognizing the right of adolescents to adulthood and providing them with the necessary and possible degree of independence and autonomy;
• care for the older generation of the family (grandparents);
• changing the “weight category” of generations, the generation of spouses taking full responsibility for the well-being of the extended family and changing the nature of relations between the older and middle generations: recognition by the older generation of the role of leader behind the middle generation;
• solving the problems of age development, refocusing the personality on overcoming the mid-life crisis, successfully resolving the problems of personal development and self-actualization, professional and career growth.

This stage of the family life cycle, as already mentioned, is characterized by a high degree of anxiety. Experiences of loss of love, disappointment, "depreciation" of the partner and a decrease in the feeling of subjective satisfaction with marriage become specific for marital relations. Adultery, which is not uncommon at this stage, reflects the desire of the spouses to reconsider the results of their life path and find new opportunities for self-realization through the search for another partner with whom new life goals and new opportunities for personal growth are associated, the establishment of emotionally close relationships, free from the previous burden of mistakes, feelings guilt and bitterness. As a rule, the search for another partner reflects not so much disappointment in the old as a negative rethinking of life outcomes and an attempt to “start life from scratch”. The inadequacy of such a resolution of the mid-life crisis is due to personal immaturity and inability to constructively resolve age-related developmental tasks based on the mobilization of resources of the former family system. Of course, quite often this crisis, which dictates the need for a person to determine new life goals, priorities and values, only exposes and exacerbates long overdue contradictions of the family system, revealing its disharmonious and destructive nature, leads to the natural completion of the functioning of the family, its elimination in terms of termination of marital relations. . However, even in this case, parent-child relations are preserved, and the broken family still implements the function of raising children.

Stage 5 The period of separation of children acquiring adult status (family with adult children).

At this stage of the life cycle of the family, there is a significant variety of forms of relations between parents and adult children. Children can live with their parents without having a family of their own, which is especially typical for Russian society, in contrast to Western society, where the completion of school education is a sufficient reason for the actual separation of a young adult from the family, at least a territorial separation, and in a significant number of cases - and financial and economic. Adult children can live separately from their parents - if they go to study in another city or rent housing, striving for the long-awaited independence and autonomy and asserting their adult status. They may be married or remain single, unmarried. A distinctive feature of this stage of the family life cycle is the termination of the spouses' function of raising children and their preservation of professional and social activity.

Target: the formation of a flexible family system with open borders.

Tasks:

• reconstruction of the family system as a dyad;
• formation of a new system of relations between parents and children according to the “adult-adult” type;
• inclusion in the family system of new members (son's wife or daughter's husband, grandchildren);
• mastering new family roles - grandparents;
• increased concern for the older generation, acceptance of incapacity and possible death of parents.

This stage of the family life cycle is characterized by the completion of the educational function, the separation of adult children and the need for a new restructuring of the family system, where, after many years, the actual marital relations again come to the fore. Before the spouses, as at the beginning of the life cycle, the task of building relationships within the framework of the dyad arises. The dominance of the parental plan of relations during the previous stages during the separation of adult children often leads to a feeling of loss of the meaning of life, the depreciation of the family and the cooling of marital relations (the common goal of raising children has been lost). The destructive way out of the crisis caused by the separation of adult children is the attempts of the intrusion of parents

into the family of adult children with claims to headship and informal leadership, or at least the desire to become an "indispensable" member of the newly formed family, usurping, for example, the role of educator of children. A textbook example of such a strategy of behavior is the behavior of a grandmother, who implements an authoritarian-directive management style in the family of children and, in fact, provokes its destruction and disintegration [Zakharov, 1982]. The opposite scenario for the development of the family, which ensures the harmonization of the family system, is the construction of marital relations in the form of "recognition" - knowing the partner from new sides, with the advantage of life experience, acquired wisdom and tolerance. Spouses, as it were, rediscover each other and build marital relations, taking into account the new personal qualities of the spouse, the joys experienced and the defeats of family life. It happens, however, that they are surprised to find another (almost unfamiliar!) Person next to them, and then the future fate of the family develops depending on the desire and readiness of the spouses to build new relationships. The birth of grandchildren in a family of children opens up other role opportunities for them to realize the educational function, but now as grandparents.

Stage 6 Family after the separation of children (the stage of old age and old age).

The specificity of the last, sixth stage of the family life cycle is determined by the entry of spouses (or one of them, if the age difference is large enough) into the final period of ontogenetic development - the period of aging and old age. Age-related developmental tasks during this period mediate the developmental tasks of the family system as a whole. Retirement leads to a radical restructuring of all life aspirations of the individual. V.D. Shapiro points to three main groups of needs and the value orientations of older people corresponding to them: 1) social needs (for significant activities, meaningful leisure, quiet rest, good material and living conditions); 2) socio-psychological needs (in interpersonal communication, respect, independence, attentive and caring attitude of others); 3) the need to maintain health [Shapiro, 1983]. The priority interests for the elderly are the well-being and success of their children and grandchildren, loved ones. A feature of the married life of older couples is the change in sexual relations, taking into account menopausal disorders in women and men.

Target: restructuring the system of relations between generations within the extended family, taking into account the realities of age-related changes.

Tasks:

• preservation of former individual interests, types of activity and forms of interaction and functioning in married couples despite physiological aging and loss of physical strength and capabilities;
• exploring new opportunities for fulfilling social and family roles (grandparents);
• supporting the central role of the middle generation;
• acquiring wisdom and experience of old age in intelligent functioning;
• experiencing the loss of a spouse, loved ones, friends, peers;
• building a model of life after the loss of a spouse;
• "revision" of the results of life, acceptance of the inevitability of one's own
• death, solving the problem of personal integration in the face of the threat of disintegration.

In contrast to the previous stages of the family life cycle, the need to change its role structure is determined by the uneven processes of aging of spouses and the loss of their former opportunities. Of great importance is also the factor of termination of professional activity, which affects the distribution of the roles of "breadwinner" and "mistress (owner) of the house" between spouses. Women are much more successful and quickly adapt to the position of a pensioner. They usually retain their former status in the family as “the mistress of the house - the housekeeper”, responsible for the family budget, organizer of her leisure. The role of the husband in the family is quite often limited to the role of "breadwinner". In the event of termination of employment, he loses this role and often even feels that he is not in demand in the family, since in connection with retirement, the contribution of each of the spouses to the family budget is equalized. In a significant number of cases, a “quiet velvet revolution” takes place in the family, the result of which is the transfer of all power to the wife. Unfortunately, this version of the development of events impoverishes and schematizes marital relations, closing them within the limits of the routine routine of the values ​​of everyday household functioning, violated only by watching soap operas, the experiences and feelings of the heroes of which compensate for the mediocrity of their own lives for elderly spouses, take them away from the world of reality. into a world of dreams and illusions. The opposite path of development of the family system is associated with the search for new meaningful and accessible areas of self-realization, with respect for the goals chosen by the partner, help and support of the partner in achieving them. Another option for restructuring the role structure of the family is associated with a sharp deterioration in the health of one of the spouses and the concentration of family efforts in the direction of solving the main task - saving life, health and creating a satisfactory quality of life for the sick spouse.

A particularly important role at this stage of the family's life cycle begins to be played by its middle generation, on which emotional support and care for sick and elderly parents in need of help depend. It has been found that daughters are much more likely to help their elderly parents than sons [Craig, 2000]. Help includes buying groceries, cleaning, cooking, caring for sick grandparents. Quite often, daughters are forced to change their place of work to solve the problems of caring for seriously ill relatives. Just as it happened after the birth of children, a woman, responding to social expectations, allows a value choice in favor of caring for disabled members of the extended family, the implementation of which, however, depends on her participation in work, the presence of children and their age, the woman’s own age. and her health. An interesting fact is that women who have children are more tolerant of role tension and overload that accompanies their performance of diverse family roles.

V.A. Alperovich identifies three types of relationships between elderly spouses: "coexistent", "partners", "friends in love". These types of relationships differ in emotional closeness and mutual understanding of partners, the distribution of rights and obligations, common activities, interests and values, emotional involvement in family relationships.

Another problem specific to this stage is widowhood and the formation of a new model of life after the loss of a spouse. There are several most typical models, the choice and implementation of each of which are regulated by a large number of factors, and the most important among them are the age of a single spouse, the degree of his involvement in various types of social activity, the range of interests and communication, the nature of experiencing the loss of a spouse and emotional status, health status , personal characteristics, specific types of coping (coping behavior). The following typical models of a new way of life can be named:

• “life in the past”, retreat into memories and idealization of the past, loss of the meaning of life and rejection of the future, conscious loneliness;
• “life as an expectation of death”, preparation for “reunion” with a spouse, expectation of the completion of a life path, departure to religion or search for a philosophical justification for the completion of a life cycle;
• dominant egocentrism, full concentration on one's own health, well-being, satisfaction of one's own needs and interests; the leading type of activity is self-care and self-service;
• integration as the strengthening of ties with the family of children, the search for new family roles, the realization of oneself in the role of a grandmother (grandfather); the leading type of activity is caring for members of the extended family;
• self-realization in professional or social activities;
• remarriage, creation of a new family system.

As can be seen, only the last three are constructive models. Remarriage is a fairly rare occurrence in our society, especially for women, who find themselves in the position of widows much more often than men. The most typical option for them is integration with the family of children.

The transition from stage to stage of the family life cycle represents normative crises in the development of the family system, i.e. crises experienced by each family, the content of which is in resolving the contradictions between the new tasks facing the family and the nature of interaction and communication between family members. P. Boss calls the difficulties experienced by most families at the time of changes in their functions and structure, normative stressors. And we have seen that each transition sets new goals and tasks for the family and requires structural and functional restructuring, including a change in the hierarchy of family functions, addressing the issue of headship and leadership, and the distribution of roles. Successful resolution of transitional crises ensures the effective functioning of the family and its harmonious development.

S. Kratochvil allocates a "standard" time for the onset of such crises, depending on the length of marriage: in the intervals of 3-7 and 17-25 years of experience. The crisis of 3-7 years lasts for about a year. It manifests itself in the loss of romantic moods, a decrease (loss) of mutual understanding, an increase in conflicts, emotional tension, a feeling of dissatisfaction with marriage, adultery. The crisis of 17-25 years is not so pronounced, but it is longer (up to several years). Its symptoms are an increase in emotional instability, the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of adult children from the family, and the experience of aging. If we take into account that the birth of a child occurs in the family approximately at the 3-4th year of marriage, then it is easy to see that the chronological interval of 3-7 years of marriage is linked to the stage of the family with small children (infant and early age), i.e. . with the period of the most severe restructuring of the family system - the beginning of parenthood, the forced alienation of a young mother from professional and educational activities, the restriction of spouses in their usual way of life, communication, leisure, and a decrease (as a rule) in the level of material well-being of the family [Kratokhvil, 1991]. Thus, these recurring crises of the family are due to changes in its functions and structure.

The second “standard” time interval for the onset of a crisis covers the period of the “family with teenage children,” the particular vulnerability of which we have already mentioned above, and the period of separation of adult children, associated with the completion of the function of their upbringing. Thus, the most striking manifestations of crises in the life cycle of a family are associated with the beginning of the spouses' function of parenthood and raising children and with its termination.

Along with normative crises, we can also talk about non-normative family crises caused by such events as divorce, adultery, changes in family composition not related to the birth of a child, adoption of adopted children, the inability of spouses to live together for various reasons, teenage pregnancy, financial difficulties. etc. Stressors that cause abnormal family crises are divided into superstrong and chronic.

As part of a systematic approach, the first detailed description of the family life cycle appeared in J. Haley's book "Unusual Psychotherapy". He noted the fact that during the transition from one stage to another, the family experiences natural developmental crises, similar to those that arise during the formation of a personality. During periods of transition, family members face new challenges that require a significant restructuring of their relationships.

Each new stage is associated with a change in all the basic parameters of the family structure. Many families successfully resolve this situation by rebuilding and adapting to new conditions. This process is usually accompanied by personal growth of family members. However, if the family fails to rebuild, then the solution of the problems of the next period of the family life cycle becomes more difficult, which, in turn, can aggravate the passage of the next crisis.

Relationship dynamics in the family

Stages and crisis periods of the family life cycle

Family Development Tasks

courtship period

1.Formation of identity. 2. Differentiation from the parental family and the achievement of emotional and financial independence from parents. 3. Acquisition by a young person of an age-appropriate status.

Crisis 1. Assuming marital obligations

Adaptation of spouses to family life and to each other: 1. Establishing internal boundaries of the family and boundaries of communication with friends and relatives. 2. Resolution of the conflict between personal and family needs. 3. Establishing the optimal balance of proximity / remoteness. 4. Solving the problem of family hierarchy and areas of responsibility. 5. Achievement of sexual harmony (sexual adaptation). 6. Solving housing problems and acquiring your own property

Crisis 2. Spouses mastering parental roles and acceptance of the fact of the appearance of a new person in the family

Reorganization of the family to fulfill new tasks: 1. Caring for a small child. 2. Restructuring of the family structure in connection with the appearance of a child. 3. Adaptation to a long period of child care. 4. Encouraging the growth of the child and ensuring his safety and parental authority. 5. Aligning personal and family goals

Family of a child of a preschooler and a primary school student

Crisis 3. Inclusion of children in external social structures (kindergarten, school)

Reorganization of the family to fulfill new tasks: 1. Redistribution of responsibilities in the family in connection with the child's admission to a kindergarten or school. 2. The manifestation of participation in the presence of problems with the implementation of regime moments, discipline, study, etc. 3. The distribution of responsibilities to help the child in preparing homework

Teen family

Crisis 4. Acceptance of the fact that the child has entered adolescence.

Reorganization of the family to fulfill new tasks: 1. Redistribution of autonomy and control between parents and children. 2. Changing the type of parental behavior and roles. 3. Preparing for your teen to leave home

The phase in which grown children leave home

Crisis 5. A grown child leaves home

Reorganization of the family to fulfill new tasks: 1. Separation of the child from the family. 2. Proper care from home. 3. Admission to an educational institution, military or other service

A family that has basically fulfilled its parental function (“empty nest”)

Crisis 6. Spouses again remain together

Reorganization of the family to meet new challenges: 1. Review of marital relationships. 2. Redistribution of duties and time. 3. Adapting to retirement

First family crisis.

The first years of married life are an important and largely defining period of a family's existence. They can be used to judge the potential quality of a marriage and make predictions about the stability of a given family. Despite the bright emotional coloring and romanticism characteristic of a young marriage, this stage of family life is one of the most difficult, as evidenced by the large number of divorces that fall on it. The problems of this stage may be associated with the difficulties of family adaptation and the difficulty of accepting new roles; often they are a consequence of the inseparability of spouses from parental families.

When creating a family, the spouses are faced with the need to solve a number of important tasks, which lie primarily in the sphere of emotional relations. One of them is the strengthening of the emotional connection in a married couple and separation from the parental family without breaking emotional contacts with it. Spouses, on the one hand, must learn to belong to each other without losing closeness to the extended family, on the other hand, to be part of their own family without losing their individuality. A couple's ability to have close and independent relationships is often determined by the extent to which each of the spouses managed to become an independent person in the parental family. M. Bowen argues that those who failed to gain autonomy within the parental family are distinguished by emotional coldness or a tendency to merge with a partner (Bowen M., 2005). A high level of merging of spouses is formed, as a rule, due to the strong suppression of the individual needs of one or both spouses, which causes fear of losing one's "I" and leads to increased tension in the couple. When the period of idealization of a partner passes, attempts to get out of the merger and defend one's "I" can become a source of high tension and conflict in a couple.

In addition to solving emotional problems associated with establishing an optimal psychological distance, young spouses also need to distribute family roles and responsibilities, resolve family hierarchy issues, develop acceptable forms of cooperation, share responsibilities, agree on a system of values, undergo sexual adaptation to each other. It is at this stage that partners look for answers to the questions: “Who is the head of the family?”, “What are acceptable ways to resolve the conflict?”, “What emotions are considered acceptable in the family?”, “Who is responsible for what and under what conditions? » Thus, during this crisis period, the spouses adapt to each other, looking for a type of family relationship that would satisfy both. The ability of spouses to resolve problems depends to a large extent on their ability to overcome their own selfishness and show altruistic love. Modern researchers note that although most marriages in our time are for love, this love is often selfish, i.e. the other is loved because he is needed, without him it is impossible to satisfy some vital needs, i.e. they most likely love themselves, and not the object of love (LB Schneider, 2000). According to I.F. Dementieva, selfish attitudes of young spouses (when their own desires and interests come first) are associated with certain features of raising children in modern conditions. Parental care has become excessive. Education does not aim to instill in the child labor skills, rather the opposite: there is an active search for "clean work", "higher education" for children; often falsely prestigious considerations of parents come to the fore: “Our child is no worse than others.” This leads to selfish attitudes of young people and the potential instability of their families (A.N. Elizarov, 1995).

Successful problem solving during this period contributes to the development of long-term stable forms of behavior that operate throughout the entire life cycle of the family and help to survive subsequent family crises.

Second family crisis.

The second normative crisis is traditionally viewed as a transitional stage in the life cycle of the family, due to the fact of the birth of a child.

The birth of a new family member is an event that can lead to a number of difficulties. With the advent of a child, the spouses face the need to rebuild relationships again (the problems of hierarchy, intimacy, etc., which were stabilized at the previous stage, are actualized). There are new aspects of relations with relatives.

The fact of the birth of a child indicates the transition of dyadic relations in the family into triad ones: a triangle of relations is formed, which includes parents and a child. The basic family triangle consists of father, mother and child. The formation of triangles and the involvement of the third in the relationship usually helps to reduce the tension in the original dyad. In the period after the birth of a child, the father is usually on the periphery of the triangle, and a symbiotic relationship is formed between mother and child. During this period, the father may feel excluded from the family, experience a feeling of jealousy, since the mother directs all her attention to the child. In response to the distancing of the spouse, the husband often has a feeling of “emotional hunger” (Whitaker K., Bamberri V., 1997) and the need to seek closeness with other family members, outside the family, or go into the sphere of professional achievements, further moving away from the family. A wife who expects emotional support from her husband and help with childcare and housekeeping, and not getting what she wants, may begin to experience resentment and make claims against her husband. Thus, from the first days of life, the child acts as a regulator of the psychological distance between parents. Quite acute during this period is the problem of the lack of self-realization in the mother, whose activity is limited only by caring for the child and family. Women who are previously occupied with their own careers may experience feelings of dissatisfaction. The spouse's personal crisis can become an additional factor that destabilizes the family during this period.

At this time, the problems of the external boundaries of the family again become relevant. The birth of a child is a fact of the union of two families. New roles appear - grandparents; the intensity of contacts with parental families is changing. A marriage that was not recognized in the extended family, or was considered temporary, is often legalized with the birth of a child.

Third family crisis.

At this stage, the family may experience a crisis associated with the inclusion of the child in external social structures (children's preschool institution and school). Parents experience for the first time the fact that the child belongs not only to them, but also to a wider social system, which can also influence him.

The inclusion of children in external social institutions can reveal existing family dysfunctions, since the nature and quality of children's adaptation to a new situation in their lives is determined by the characteristics of existing intra-family relations. Psychological problems of children, therefore, can act as an indicator of the presence of intra-family problems.

The admission of a child to school requires flexibility from the family, expressed in the ability to accept the fact that the child has acquired a new social status and change its structural parameters. Due to the expansion of the sphere of social contacts of the child, changes occur in the external boundaries of the family. It is important for parents to organize adequate assistance to the student. In this regard, they are often forced to reconsider the distribution of responsibilities in the family.

The difficulties of experiencing this crisis can be complicated by the presence of disagreements or a split in the parental dyad. The couple can now try to solve problems through the child. It can be used as a scapegoat, a partner in a coalition of one spouse against another, a mediator in conflicts, and sometimes the only justification for marriage. In addition, if the spouses failed to agree and develop a common educational strategy for the child, then this can lead to a war in which each of the spouses seeks to win the child over to their side. The union of one of the parents with the child against the other, being one of the most common problems of the existence of the family, is especially acutely experienced in its transitional (crisis) periods.

The experience of the crisis under consideration can be influenced by the critical period of marital relations, which occurs approximately between the third and seventh years of marriage. It is associated with the disappearance of romantic feelings and moods, with the appearance of a feeling of fatigue from marriage and disappointment in a partner. The decrease in tolerance and tolerance of spouses towards each other in this period, compared with the first years of marriage, the expansion of the role range and the emergence of new areas of relations that require spouses to be able to negotiate, exacerbates the course of the third normative family crisis.

Fourth family crisis.

This family crisis is connected with the need for the family to adapt to the fact that the child is growing up and reaching puberty. Adolescence is the period of a child's secondary individuation, which, according to Blos, includes two mutually intertwined processes: 1) separation or separation;

2) rejection of parents as the main objects of love and finding substitutes outside the family.

The complexity of the process of secondary individuation can be expressed in the ambivalent behavior of a teenager: he can seem either very adult, or a very small child. The inconsistency of the process of growing up, as a rule, is painfully experienced by the parents themselves and causes polar experiences associated with the desire to either control the child excessively or maintain his autonomy. This is a kind of test for them in the ability to trust the child.

For the child himself, adolescence is a very difficult period. The personality of a teenager is not yet formed. Any interference in his life causes anxiety and is perceived by him as a threat to his integrity. The body undergoes changes: a girl becomes a girl, a boy becomes a boy. As a rule, the nature of overcoming adolescent collisions by the parents themselves influences the characteristics of the family's experience of this crisis. From the standpoint of their own experience, they may seek to protect children from the "mistakes" they made at the same age. Some parents try to realize through their children what they themselves could not do or receive from their parents at one time. However, most often they tend to reproduce their own experience of parent-child relationships, interacting with the child in the same way as their parents did.

In any case, during this period, the family needs to work out an agreement about what the child can and cannot be responsible for, what are the duties of parents now. This process can be very painful, accompanied by conflicts, lack of understanding on both sides, unwillingness to reckon with each other's feelings, attempts by parents to increase control over the teenager and emotional detachment from his real difficulties, rejection of his new status.

How long will the economic crisis last? People are interested in the causes and ways out of it, worrying about their quality of life. But for some reason they do not learn to understand psychology. Although understanding the patterns of the family life cycle is more important than material moments.

Any family, as a social system, also goes through stages, and the transitions between them are just crises. From which they come out both with losses and with victories.

Stages of family life and crises

The family, like an organism, goes through cycles: birth, formation, development. The disintegration of the family can occur at any stage, but it is most likely during the transformation of intra-family relations, to which members of the "social cell" are not ready to adapt.

The life cycle of a family is a history of family events and relationships. Stages - a set of significant episodes. Back in 1948, psychologists E. Duval and R. Hill spoke about 24 periods in the development of family relations. Subsequently, the cycles were reduced to seven important steps. What do you need to know about regular changes in family life?

The first crisis is a young family

The first crisis awaits a young family. It is not for nothing that the year from the date of marriage is popularly called the "Chint wedding", which implies the fragility and bright diversity of the relationship of the spouses. The dissimilarity of characters, habits, foundations create a kaleidoscope of happy moments and "lapping" quarrels. The same phenomena occur in civilian families. Sometimes this cycle stretches up to five years.
What will be more will determine what will be the way out of the first crisis period. Negotiations and agreements are the main weapons at the stage of the emerging family in order to. If you manage to find compromises, learn to smooth out contradictions, stop in time when anger begins to speak, and not reason, help each other, and not infantilely shift duties, then family life will move into a new quality.

The appearance of the first child

The birth of the first child is considered a difficult turning point. When a family passes from a childless couple to the status of a complete family, the concentration on each other is broken. And building relationships in which a new member has appeared requires wisdom and patience on both sides. For this, it is important that the emotional attachment of the spouses develops into friendship. Otherwise, everyone will close on their own problems and claims.
Sometimes a woman believes that she will receive a lack of love from her husband from her baby. But, faced with the duties of a mother, she becomes depressed, realizing that she has to “give” again more. Therefore, the birth of a child should be approached carefully and prepared together for a new stage in the family.

A woman goes through enormous loads: physical, hormonal, psychological. A man too, but his task is to understand the state of his wife and not to oppose his functions of a "getter" to those of his parents. After all, a father is also a parent. At this stage of life, the ability to help each other is important.

If there were contradictions before the birth of the baby, they become aggravated. Therefore, one should not think that a newborn will breathe life into a broken relationship, although this occasionally happens. But more often, the problems put “on pause” will again make themselves felt in the next crisis period.

Crisis 3 years

Which occurs when the child reaches three years. At the stage of a family with preschoolers 3-6 years old, mothers leave the decree for work. In addition to domestic duties, professional ones appear. There are new burdens on both spouses. The feeling that there is simply no personal life leads to depression and nervousness.

The kid acclimatizes in kindergarten. The introduction of a nanny or grandmother into the family also entails a number of issues: the problem of the unity of requirements for the behavior of the child, preparation for school, preschool development.

Rebuilding your lifestyle in this cycle without succumbing to natural stress is not an easy task, but it is doable. If you realize that it will become easier when everything "becomes on rails." Control negative emotions, conduct dialogues and strive for harmony. Friendship should be transformed into respect and full acceptance of a partner with all the shortcomings.

Crisis of couples with children 6-12 years old

A married couple with children 6-12 years old attending school - a middle-aged family, realizes for the first time that their firstborn will leave them sooner or later. And spouses have different attitudes to the prospect of being alone with each other.

At this life stage, the crisis stages of family members intersect: the appearance of a second child, the loss of a job or transfer to another place, a midlife crisis in men, diseases of the older generation.

An increase in spending adds elements of a financial crisis in the family, which contributes to an imbalance in the relationship system.

Another reason for the crisis - the product of joint "cultivation" is on display and the mistakes of parents become apparent. Checking the effectiveness of education reveals intra-family contradictions and conflicts for outsiders.

The combination of career and education is not always possible to harmonize. Distortions affect the state of mind of all family members directly or indirectly.

Ideally, at this stage of complete knowledge of each other, true love for a partner comes. But if relations in previous life cycles have not been finalized, mutual claims do not allow them to act as a “united front” against problems. And most often, according to the psychological atmosphere, a middle-aged family is the most disturbing and restless stage of the entire life cycle. Because there comes "satiation" with each other, and there is a thirst for new sensations and emotions.

teen crisis

When the eldest child grows up to, most parents begin. The stage of family life with older teenage children is in crisis due to the achievement of puberty by children and the challenges associated with this process. And also with the ongoing physiological and psychological changes of the married couple themselves. Reassessment of life experience opens the eyes to missed opportunities. Own failures take out on the partner. Men can seek confirmation of their masculinity and wealth on the side.

Maintaining a hierarchy in the family is possible if a flexible system of rules is built and intra-family communication is established.

Children leave home

The stage when the children leave the father's shelter makes the spouses evaluate their relationship without children. The nature of relationships with children striving for independence is changing. Revising the routine of life, changing habits and rhythm causes tension. This is especially true of unemployed women, who are undermined by the idea of ​​their importance, if motherhood was the main activity and self-expression. Only the ability to fill the void with other activities will help to survive the crisis at this stage.

Empty nest stage

Empty nest stage . 50% of couples divorce when it comes to the realization that nothing else connects with each other. Age-related deterioration in health, retirement, loved ones cause crisis experiences. The common interests of the spouses can survive them. Living the life of grown-up children is not worth it. After all, finally, you can devote all the time to each other.

The loss of one partner is the next crisis of the same life cycle. The way out will be building new relationships with families of adult children, grandchildren. Focusing on further work or. Perhaps the creation of a new family.

Additional causes of family crises:

Treason.
Change in income level. And even if they grow.
Serious and prolonged illnesses.
Change in family composition: death of one of the members, arrival of parents.
Changes in lifestyle, drastic changes, moving.
Force majeure: military actions, political disagreements.

When the spouses realize the staging of the development of family relations, there is an understanding that feelings do not go away, but take on an updated form. Each cycle has its own meaning. No strong relationship is possible without crises. Passing them, a person becomes mature, grows spiritually and hardens.

Crisis management is to change to fit the role in new circumstances and help the partner accept these changes. Get out of the family crisis to a new level of mutual assistance and understanding by establishing relationships that correspond to the situation. If the partners do not want to change, then alienation grows with every tension and will inevitably lead to the breakup of the family.

Signs of a crisis in the family

Not every fight is a crisis. Competition, anger, irritation and and in a completely prosperous period. And not always moments of crisis are manifested by quarrels. How many life stories in which an outwardly calm married couple quietly and almost peacefully dispersed.

In addition to scandals and mutual discontent, there are other signs of a crisis in the family:

Lack of mutual understanding and common opinion on any life issues.
Annihilation of intimate life.
Spouses do not try to please each other.
All questions concerning children.
Partners get annoyed for any reason.
One of the spouses constantly yields to the opinion of the other. Because of this .
"Family psychopathy" - when there is no empathy and understanding of the feelings of another.
The desire to share their experiences, joys and problems disappears.
Husband and wife do not communicate and spend time at work or outside the family.

The main thing is to understand in time that discord is a component of a new stage in marital relations.

How to deal with a family crisis

If there is an awareness that your couple is going through a crisis, this is half the battle in a successful exit from it. How to cope with a family crisis and take relationships to another level?

Communicate. Speak in turn all the problems and mutual claims.
Voice the general rules, allocate responsibilities.
Come to a compromise, that is, to a result that will suit everyone.
Feel free to apologize if you realize you made a mistake. . If you are not ready, then instead of ignoring, explain your condition, reschedule the conversation.
Don't criticize your partner in front of witnesses.
In expressing claims, do without insults and generalizations.
Don't provoke your partner. If he is already in , help him.
Don't do reckless things. Avoid hasty decisions.
Look at your partner with new eyes, find new points of contact.
Contact a psychologist.

Only with the cooperation of the spouses, the mutual desire to maintain relations and transfer them to a different quality, they emerge from crises renewed and united. Do not give up, work on yourself, do your best in every life cycle to save. To be winners, not losers.