Don't worry after a breakup. How to survive a breakup with a loved one? Advice from a psychotherapist. shades of gray everyday life or how to survive parting easier

The short standard phrase "let's break up" sounded. And then - heartache, shock, confusion, guilt. And at the same time - resentment, anger, hurt pride, especially when it turns out that the reason for the divorce was a love relationship with someone on the side. Those who have experienced parting with a loved one at least once in their lives will surely call the moment after parting one of the most difficult periods in their lives. Without exaggeration, it can be considered a real mental trauma.

Description

“Suddenly” no one leaves. In the heat of the moment, after a quarrel, at the peak of emotions, a man grabs a jacket and runs to a friend, a woman collects a bag and goes to her parents. In fact, such couples do not even think of dispersing - the percentage of reunions after such "family hurricanes" is very high. As you know, “darlings scold - they only amuse themselves”: the connection between them not only does not collapse, but also becomes stronger. The main thing is not to turn this into a system.

The most unfavorable according to forecasts (that is, putting an end to family life or existing relationships) departures are not made in haste, but only on a sober, cold head. The decision has matured, all the pros and cons have been weighed, and an escape plan has been prepared. It remains the case for small things - to inform the now former half.

Important! Often, psychotherapists hear the same phrase from these same former ones: “After all, everything was fine with us, what did he (she) lack?”

We have to admit: a break in relations, parting does not happen due to a short-term insanity of one of the partners. There are weighty reasons for that, which for the time being the other half simply does not know. Alas, the one who does not listen enough to his partner and does not try to understand him (or he simply has no time, and may not be interested), one day may find himself alone.

In fact, the only reason for breaking up a relationship is the cooling of the feelings of one of the partners or both at once. Therefore, it is important to understand not the cause of the gap, but the cause of the cooling. These most often include:

1. selfishness is the root of all relationship problems. Unfortunately, often people, even falling in love, do not think about the feelings, condition and desires of the object of their love, but about how to please themselves. When a period of difficulties and trials comes, when it becomes necessary to take responsibility or share his problems with a loved one, the egoist instantly finds an excuse for parting.
2. Pride is a comprehensive concept. This personality trait gives rise to many negative character traits. In the process of communication, it greatly interferes, since a proud person requires constant evidence of a special attitude towards himself from his partner. He does not know how to put up, he does not ask for forgiveness, he never forgives himself to the end. In the soul of such a person, after every small quarrel or even a carelessly spoken word, a sediment remains. One day, the volume of this sediment will supplant love.
3. Unmet expectations. Most often, at the very beginning of a relationship, people tend to idealize each other. Partly because they are in love and happy, and therefore there is no need to show negative traits of their character, partly because they want to make the best possible impression on their partner. However, it is always impossible to stay in this state - sooner or later the personality of each will manifest itself in all colors. It was then that it would be possible to hear this famous: “And you have changed ...”
4. Did not get along. Universal wording to explain the reasons for any breakup. It combines not only all the reasons listed above, but also those that are difficult to even formulate. If people were more frank, they would say something like: "Thanks, I've played enough" or "I've had enough of this, I want a new one" instead of this phrase.

Types of breakups

Parting with a loved one can be divided into 12 main types:

1. Let's stay friends
   This is the best option if both follow it. Then you can communicate normally, meet at events and even correspond, without trying to look for hidden hints.
2. A lot of time has passed
   You both waited too long before ending the relationship. And both leave with a smile.
3. We never met properly
   This is an option for a short-term relationship, when you did not have time to grow feelings and make plans. It’s even more likely not a break, but a feeling that you didn’t fit each other.
4. Gap in the distance
   If you already see each other twice a year, reducing this figure to zero is unpleasant, but not too difficult. Moreover, the absence of a partner nearby makes the pain weaker.
5. Repeated break
   You already broke up once. Then they got back together as if nothing had happened. But someone has to eventually be the first to admit that the scheme still doesn't work.
6. It's not about you, it's about me
   This is not what you would like to hear! But he's trying to put straws on you, so it looks pretty plausible.
7. Let's share everything, it's a scam
   Classic break. Both of you are angry, tired and forgetful of feelings. You split everything in half, including friends, and never want to see each other again. But sometimes you still appear in each other's lives, although it would be better if this were not the case.
8. I'm leaving
   Both of you are good people, but something didn't work out. One leaves, the second does not follow. A normal option if there are not so many joint obligations.
9. I grew above myself, now I'm better than you
   For example, one of you lost weight, started earning a lot of money, or just realized something new in life. This is similar to option number eight, but is usually complemented by emphasizing these very victories and terrible behavior before the break.
10. You are not the right person
    Most likely, there was a betrayal, you no longer belong to each other. The surprise factor, of course, adds to the chagrin.
11. SMS break
    It may be followed by any other option described. One person wants to break up with another, but is shy or doesn't want to say it out loud. At first, you can answer that the joke is not funny, but then you realize that this is not a joke at all.
12. Ghost
    Everything breaks unexpectedly. It feels like nothing happened. And nobody. You don't know what happened. Maybe he died. Either the phone is broken or your number is missing. No reason.

Why are we worried?

Every human being is fundamentally a social being. From the moment we are born, we are surrounded by other people - parents, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts. They help to educate the baby in society, adapt to it, imbue with ideas and general rules of behavior.

Growing up, a person takes on more and more obligations. However, at the same time, he seeks to create comfortable psychological conditions for himself - to find a mate. And even if the relationship develops far from the way it was expected, certain hopes and dreams were still associated with them. Of course, this applies more to the representatives of the beautiful half of humanity. Since childhood, they imagine the main day in their lives - a wedding.

Important! Men also, tying themselves together, make plans for the future. And if the relationship becomes obsolete, it is perceived by them rather painfully.

Parting with a loved one is naturally accompanied by deep depression. Not everyone manages to cope with it in a few days and even months. Sometimes you need the help of a specialist.

Not everyone is able to understand that he has developed such a mental disorder as depression. This is a common human reaction to the stress experienced, only expressed in a stronger form. Attachment, it would seem, to a native person with whom they lived for several years, not everyone expresses it openly. As well as negative emotions from parting with him.

So, if the suffering experienced, in general, does not interfere with the usual way of life, does not affect the ability to work and appetite, most likely, there is no emotional disturbance. It is only necessary to wait a bit for the situation to become more stable.
Whereas severe depression manifests itself as follows:

• constant depression - emotions are at a negative level every day, there is a desire to cry and feel sorry for yourself;
• previously loved and enjoyable work and hobbies have lost their attractiveness, have ceased to bring positive emotions;
• outwardly, a person also changes - he stops taking care of himself, it simply becomes difficult for him to wash or comb his hair again, change clothes;
• others begin to notice oddities in behavior - periods of feverish activity are replaced by complete apathy and indifference, emotions can change from one extreme, for example, euphoria, to another - "falling into the abyss", when it is not far from suicide.

No matter how many ways people try to protect themselves from all the negativity that they have to endure during a breakup, it is not so easy to do. When relationships break down, it leads to a revision of values, beliefs, and beliefs. The worldview of people, their views on family and relationships are changing.

Important! Some not only cease to believe in themselves, but they also lose their sense of goodwill and justice in relation to the whole world around them. Instead, they develop rigid beliefs that betrayal is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship.

Even when meeting good candidates for creating a family, people rarely initiate relationships. Moreover, they may suffer from loneliness, but an internal unpreparedness for a new relationship prevents them from taking the first step. This feature can be seen especially clearly among men.

Women usually approach this issue more calmly. Although the representatives of the weaker sex often experience emotional dependence on the previous partner, which also prevents them from considering the surrounding men.

Stages of accepting the situation

Dealing with a breakup is hard. Not only is it difficult to realize and accept the fact that you are no longer with your loved one, but it is also unbearably difficult to cope with the pain of breaking up a relationship.

But breaking up is a process. And like any process, parting has stages through which a person goes. There is a common expression: “time heals”. But it is not time that heals, but the correct passage through all the necessary stages of parting. In the case of a normal living of all stages, a person after some time comes to his senses again and returns to life. If fixation occurs at some stage or the stage was lived incorrectly, then you can suffer for a long time.

There are 6 typical stages:

How to get rid of pain?

Breaking up a relationship is always a hard blow for both partners, but if your loved one was the initiator of the breakup, get ready for a war for yourself, this is how this situation should be perceived. Psychologists have calculated that the most difficult period after a breakup is about the first 6 weeks, but this time can be significantly reduced if you clearly understand the fact that everything is over once and for all.

To ease the suffering, you should follow these simple tips:

1. It is hard to stay alone with grief, and the “recovery” will be very long. It's not worth locking yourself up. Share your trouble with as many people as possible. In psychoanalysis, this is called the grief dissipation method. As a result, you will soon feel that your soul is not so hard. Ask your friends for help. The main thing is to cry. A friend, of course, will listen and try to advise something, but sometimes it is better to turn to a psychologist.
2. If you are a closed person, and it is difficult for you to share your problems, start a diary, this is a great way to get rid of obsessive memories, resentments, and take off the whole burden of the moment. And not only is this the perfect conversation partner to help you get through a breakup, you will be able to better understand the problem by putting it on paper. All your torment and offended feelings, at least once committed to paper, become the past. The described emotions cease to put pressure on the soul as a heavy burden and are gradually released. You seem to be freed and regain the ability to control yourself and your experiences.
3. Sit in front of a mirror and tell yourself about your grief. Psychologists say that such therapy is quite effective in relieving stress. By the way, it is better to finish training in front of a mirror with exercises in the art of facial expressions. A couple of good faces in front of the mirror will improve your mood, your task is to prove to yourself that the problem is not serious.
4. Immerse yourself in work. Here it is, a magical remedy that helps from any troubles - work! It will help you get over the breakup quickly. Work helps when it’s really hard and you want to escape from your problems. And of course, work, as a psychotherapeutic tool, has one indisputable advantage over all others: they pay for it.
5. For some reason, we forget about the inevitable connection of our soul with the body and that sometimes it is necessary to drive the body to make the soul feel better. So, work to the point of exhaustion. It doesn't matter what it will be: running, aerobics, rearranging the room, furious washing or cleaning floors with a toothbrush. Sometimes it’s worth shouting or roaring, or maybe breaking something, it’s worth giving free rein to emotions, they need to be let out so that they don’t destroy you from the inside.
6. Doctors believe that sports are very good at helping to cope with stress. Get over yourself and go to the gym. Nature also heals - take a walk in the park or go to the forest. Watch your favorite movie, read your favorite book. Dress smartly, even if you intend to spend the evening at home. You can, of course, visit friends, various parties. Make your life full of events.
7. In the fight against depression, proper nutrition helps a lot. It is only in films that boxes of chocolates help heroines, in fact, if you want to say goodbye to depression as quickly as possible, give up all kinds of spices and sweets. Juices, mineral water, vegetables, various fruits - all this is necessary for you, but neurosis cannot last long without red wine and cakes.
8. Take up meditation, not endless streams of tears can help you, but a state of relaxed peace and tranquility, when recovery processes proceed 2-3 times faster than during sleep.

What can't be done?

1. Consider that your life is over
   The most unhappy in this world, no one will ever love you again in your life, nothing good will happen to you anymore, life has lost its meaning. And as a result - tears, a swollen face, and wasted time that could have been spent on something more useful.
2. Discuss it
   Talk about what a bastard he is, and how many shortcomings he has. Or vice versa, praise and tell everyone how wonderful he is, where can you find such a person now. What's the point of living in the past?
3. accept consolation
   Do not let anyone pity yourself, sympathize and empathize, and climb into your soul in every possible way. Such sympathy only reawakens sad thoughts and memories.
4. Keep his things
   He gave you this postcard for a month of dating, he forgot this shirt when he spent the first night with you, and in this photo you are so happy together ... Out of sight - out of mind. Collect everything that even indirectly reminds of him in a large box, and ruthlessly throw it away.
5. Wait for his return
   Suddenly he will realize that there is no one better than you in the world, and how much he loves you. Therefore, you need to sit at home and wait for him to arrive. Get on with your life and don't waste your time.
6. blame him for everything
   Nurturing plans for revenge in your soul, growing resentment and hatred in yourself. And even more so, out of a sense of revenge, you should not go to bed with the first person you meet. This will definitely not bring him back, and the consequences of such random relationships, both moral and possible physical, will have to be disentangled by you.
7. Pour your grief
   Will it be ten bottles of beer on a bench in the park or a couple of explosive cocktails at a party - the essence is the same. Not only can this be detrimental to your health and well-being, but you can also lose control of yourself. And the result will be drunken nightly calls to a former lover.

"Let's Be Friends"

According to psychologists, it is most difficult for a person to let go and forget a loved one, and especially for the weak half of humanity. The girl is so arranged that she cannot refuse the one who has been around for a long time, helped, with whom she experienced the happiest moments, communicated and loved, even if this person has changed, hurt her and even betrayed her.

Is friendship possible after love? If yes, then why? It is difficult to find an unambiguous answer to this question, because it all depends on the specific situation. In any case, before deciding to be friends with the former, you need to understand yourself, to understand whether there are still feelings, whether it makes sense to continue communication.

There are several specific cases in which friendship between former lovers becomes impossible. Here are the most common situations.

1. One of the partners continues to experience passion and tenderness. There is such wisdom that says that the one who still loves wants to remain friends. There is some truth in it, so you need to be careful if the former offers to be friends. By agreeing, you run the risk of sowing in a person a false hope for the restoration of the previous relationship. Such a "friend" will constantly look for ways to please, hoping to return the lost love. If the guy does not get what he wants, then all the emotions accumulated in the soul, in particular anger and resentment, can spill out and hurt you. In addition, he will be secretly jealous of other friends or behave impulsively. Because of this, the girl will not be able to quickly build a new relationship. Why try to glue friendship with a dangerous "volcano"? Usually such a case ends in failure, so it’s better to immediately stop communicating if you are sure that you have definitely fallen out of love with this person, and he still hopes for something more.
2. One of the partners has not yet forgiven the other and keeps a grudge in his heart. If the breakup was initiated by a guy, then surely the girl has every reason to be offended and even angry with him. However, you should not pretend that everything is fine and try to answer him with courtesy. If you have not yet forgiven your ex-lover, then there can be no question of any friendship!
3. A girl who agreed to be friends with her ex should completely get rid of negative emotions towards him. Otherwise, such friendship will become painful for her, will hurt.

Many girls find being friends with an ex quite acceptable. It seems to them that this is a common thing, that everyone does this.

Like any sphere of relationships, the friendship of once lovers is fraught with many advantages. There are several legitimate benefits:

1. Understanding. Thanks to past relationships, the couple learned to find a common language.
2. Emotional support. Having gone through many difficulties together, people get to know each other well. Friendship with such a person becomes strong and secure.
3. Opportunity to communicate on frank topics.
4. Such friendship can be very beneficial in a good sense of the word. For example, an ex-lover can help out at the right moment: walk the dog, pick him up from the airport, or lend money.

Of course, a girl should remember that friendship with an ex-boyfriend is a double-edged sword. There are drawbacks to such relationships. For example, jealousy and resentment. When an ex-boyfriend, and now just a “friend”, begins to build new relationships before your eyes, the thought may appear in your head: “Why her? Why is she better? We communicate so well! We don't need anyone!"

The Pros of Breaking Up

They say it's better to love and lose love than never love at all, but don't say that to someone who's just been dumped. Breaking up is always hard, even if you are the initiator. But when they leave you, it feels like the end of the world and you think you'll never get over it.

But in fact, breakups are not so bad. Sometimes this can be the best thing that happens to you, and if you don't believe it, ask anyone who has been in a bad relationship if this is true.

Here's what you should remember:

1. You are not a failure just because your relationship failed.
   This can be hard to accept because society instills in us the idea of ​​"successful person = successful relationship." But it's not. A relationship that ends in a breakup doesn't make you a failure. It just means they didn't suit you. We do not blame ourselves for the fact that some shoes do not suit us - it would be stupid. So why blame yourself for a relationship that didn't work for you?
2. You are not a loser if you are alone.
   Lonely doesn't mean "not good enough" or that you can't be loved. Some of the most successful people in history have been single for most of their lives. Isaac Newton is said to have died a virgin. Oprah Winfrey was alone for a long time. Writer Jane Austen never married. Do you understand?
3. A breakup makes room for someone or something better.
   You can't date someone better if you're already in a relationship, right? And it is very likely that you will find at least one person who loves you more, who is a better fit. And if not, that's not a problem either. There are many hobbies, opportunities and job options that can fill your life.
4. You are more likely to suffer because of what could have been, not because of what was.
   The loss of opportunities and potential is usually much more painful than realizing the harsh truth about a breakup. Ask yourself, do you suffer because you lost the chance to have a wedding, or because your partner cheated on you? As soon as you realize that you are sad because of the future that did not come true, you will realize how many new opportunities actually open up before you after parting.
5. Or maybe the person you loved never existed.
   This is especially true in a toxic relationship that was violent, where one partner—like a woman—stayed because she wanted the loving boyfriend that he was at the beginning. But it was his mask. Consider if this describes your situation?
6. Now you can do things you couldn't do in a relationship.
   What your partner did not like, but you liked, is now freely available. Wear the clothes you want, eat what you want, watch and listen to what you like. Isn't it wonderful?
7. If you did everything you could for a relationship, but it didn’t work out, then it’s not destined
   Stop torturing yourself with what you could do to save the relationship. Unless you are directly to blame for your breakup, then nothing could have changed. Everything is as it should be.
8. You don't have to go through a breakup alone.
   Feel free to talk about your feelings with friends and family. Breaking up is not shameful, it is not a solitary experience. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
9. Most if not all of the pain will go away
   Even if this person was everything to you, you will be surprised how unimportant it all will be in a few years. Time really heals a lot, and it may not improve your condition now, it's true about how you will feel in the future.
10. Breaking up is an experience to learn from
    This is an opportunity to understand what you do not want in your partner, how you should not behave in a relationship, what needs to be changed. Think of the breakup as an opportunity to learn something so that you can be a better partner in your next relationship.
11. Breaking up will help you soberly assess your relationship.
    You will be surprised how often women who have been in an abusive relationship only realize the horror after the breakup. This gives time and space to soberly evaluate everything. And after a few months, you may wonder how you could ever be together with that person.

Is this possible, are there rules for parting? Of course, everything is very individual. But there are common stages that all couples go through when they decide to break up. And, if you go through these stages with the least loss, then the wound from the loss of a loved one will heal, and life will continue.

For women

Help yourself get rid of the obsessive thoughts that are spinning in your head. Write down on paper whatever comes to mind. Do not worry about the beauty of the syllable and commas, just write whatever bothers you. In addition to this, the following tips will help you forget your ex:

1. Give yourself time to heal
   Don't push yourself, take your time - it can take quite a while. There is nothing terrible in tears and bitter memories, but do not let them turn you into a hermit, constantly sitting at home and grieving about unfulfilled hopes.
2. Try to be constantly busy with something
   There should not be a minute of free time in the schedule of your day. In order to survive a breakup, everything will do: another job, charity, hobby.
3. Go in for sports and go on a diet
   In addition to the influx of endorphins, fitness classes will help you make new acquaintances among the gym goers. In addition, fitness and diet will not only improve your appearance, but also increase your self-esteem.
4. Make an effort and meet new people
   Take a walk in the park, go to a concert, to a club, to the cinema - there you can make a couple of meaningless acquaintances. Let your social circle expand - this will give you the opportunity to spend time with those who have no idea about your "ex".
5. Seek help from professionals
   There is nothing shameful in contacting a psychologist or psychotherapist. If a stranger does not suit you as a psychotherapist, contact a friend who is a professional psychologist, take a couple of online tests, chat on Internet forums. You will definitely feel better.
6. Surround yourself with family and friends
   If your relationships with family and friends have suffered significantly due to the fact that you devoted most of your time to the "ex", then now is the best time to restore old ties.
7. Focus on yourself
   Most of the energy went into the furnace of relationships, and now is the time to focus solely on yourself. Take baths, go for massages, facials, manicures and pedicures, go shopping, read a tearful love story where the author’s main character is tormented by the question “how to survive a breakup with a loved one?”, Or watch a stupid TV series.
8. Strengthen yourself spiritually
   Visiting a church helps someone, someone prefers to open the chakras, someone is engaged in meditation, and someone is shown reflections in the bosom of nature. Revaluation of values ​​is not far off.
9. Help others
   Advise something to a friend who is also going through a breakup with a man, only feels a hundred times worse. Helping someone who is going through a painful breakup will help you stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus all your attention on the other person.

For men

In order to understand how to survive a breakup with your girlfriend, it is important to accept this fact itself. You broke up and that can't be changed. You need to be humble and not have false hopes. It makes no sense to think that you could fix the situation.

Relationships are always two people, and the responsibility lies with both. It is important to understand your mistakes - in order to do everything differently next time, already with another girl. But what has already ended, let it remain in the past. Imagine that your love is a crystal ball that you were holding together with your girlfriend. When one person lowers his hands, the ball breaks. Gluing the pieces is pointless.

Here are a few simple tips to help you at this stage:

1. Burn the bridges
   If you finally decide to leave, it is best to reduce communication to zero. In the future, you can chat if you want. But for now, you just need to get over the breakup. And it will be very difficult to realize that you broke up if you continue to chat on the phone or on social networks, meet with mutual friends, go somewhere together. An abrupt breakup is preferable to a painful slow parting. Delete all contacts so that you don’t make a mistake in a moment of weakness. This will only prolong the agony. If it is impossible to completely stop communication, then reduce it to the necessary minimum.
2. Get rid of reminders
   Try to put things out of your sight that will remind you of your ex-girlfriend. We are talking about her things, gifts, joint photographs. Don't listen to music or watch movies that are associated with your relationship.
3. New impressions
   Switch to something else, get a boost of positive emotions from new hobbies, go on at least a short trip. Try to do what makes you happy. You need it now.

Undoubtedly, unfulfilled plans, the betrayal of a loved one cannot pass painlessly. But advice from a psychologist on how to survive the pain of a breakup can help minimize destructive feelings and restore emotional peace.

1. You should not put on a mask and act as if nothing happened when the soul is very bad. Such behavior will not lead to anything good, because negative emotions and unshed tears accumulate, and at one point they can turn into a terrible depression. Therefore, you need to give free rein to emotions, not to isolate yourself from relatives and friends, to give them the opportunity to show sympathy and support.
2. After this difficult period, it will be time to think about yourself. You should start with general cleaning in the apartment. You need to collect all the gifts and things that remind you of the former, and throw them away.
3. It is important to be able to distract yourself from negative thoughts associated with unjustified hopes. According to psychologists, 90% of all experiences are associated not with the very fact of parting with a loved one, but with winding oneself up. Do not allow destructive thoughts and feel sorry for yourself. Remember that this is life, and everything happens in it.
4. Pamper yourself. You shouldn't be afraid to experiment. For starters, you can try to change the image or wardrobe. A new look is great therapy.
5. It is impossible to isolate oneself from the rest of the world and withdraw into oneself. On the contrary, it will be much more useful to try to pay more attention to daily work duties. Psychologists recommend during this difficult period to be constantly with people, in the company of relatives and friends. So it will be easier to distract from negative thoughts.
6. A great option is to travel. People who are going through a separation from a loved one or a painful divorce return to their usual way of life much faster if they managed to change the situation. It is very useful to relax, visit new places, find interesting hobbies. Such measures will help to say goodbye to the past and start a new stage in life.
7. For a person going through a painful separation from a loved one, focusing on good deeds and deeds can be an excellent therapy. Those who commit them increase self-esteem, make new acquaintances and friends. You don’t need to perform feats, just help someone close, make a donation to an orphanage, buy groceries for a lonely grandmother who lives next door.
8. Give yourself a gift that will please you. You can sign up for a massage, buy a ticket to a concert of your favorite musical group, or come up with something else that will bring a lot of positive emotions.
9. A very useful activity will be keeping a diary, where you can write down all your feelings and emotions. So it will be possible to get rid of the tension and worries that only complicate life.
10. You can try to go in for sports or switch to creativity. Anger, bitterness, resentment can be splashed out on a punching bag. Perhaps someone will instead prefer to do art therapy, transferring their experiences to the album sheet.
11. To alleviate your condition, you can remember all the bad things that this person did for you. Try to refresh your memory of those moments when your lover offended you. Such unpleasant pages of your life together will give you the opportunity to think about whether the former was the person you really need?

They throw everyone: beautiful, smart, rich, economic, kind and trouble-free ... They throw both men and women. They even throw those who always threw the first opposite ... When a partner leaves, it seems that everything around loses its meaning. You don’t know how to survive parting with your loved one, you are constantly tormented by memories of the past, bringing yourself to mental exhaustion. Such a pattern of behavior will not lead to anything good. Psychologist's advice on how to survive a breakup with a man should help you restore emotional balance.

Cry and suffer, but ... not for long!

People are not robots, so they "break" not only from physical damage. Emotions after parting can cause incredible pain, but according to psychologists, this pain needs to be felt.

Just be sure to define for yourself a clear period of suffering.

For some, two weeks is enough, for others, a month. But experts do not recommend stretching it.

What to do during the period of "suffering"? Cry, grieve, close at home and listen to sad songs. Yes, yes, you can do it all, but only in limited quantities. Mark a date on your calendar from which this will no longer be possible, and keep the promise you made to yourself.

Break all ties with the object of suffering

Have you heard that a habit can be developed in 21 days? That is, if you hold out for 21 days, then actions (or inactions) will be automatic.

To make it easier to survive a breakup and get rid of pain faster:

• Add your ex to the black-list everywhere (in social networks, on the phone, in applications, etc.)
• Throw away or give away all the gifts he gave you
• Remove joint photos from the field of view, or better, delete or throw them away
• Do not call, do not write, avoid places where you can theoretically meet your ex
• Buy new bedding - get rid of the one you slept on together
• Change the situation in the house where you lived together, and if funds allow, even make repairs

Rachel Sussman in the book "Bible of Parting" recommends to refrain from communicating with a person for a month, if it is still impossible to completely stop communicating (for example, there are common children). In a month, you will develop immunity and communication with an ex-boyfriend will be less painful.

According to popular belief, the rite of burning a wedding dress will help to forget a beloved husband.

Follow and take care of yourself!

Even if there are no emotional forces for this, step over yourself. Get out of bed, wash your face and go to your master. Do it at least for the admiring glances that you will catch from unfamiliar men. The attention of the opposite sex greatly increases self-esteem, which, as a rule, falls after you have been dumped.

Manicure, depilation, a new hairstyle - these are your medicines in this period! And don't ask, who is it for? Of course, for your beloved!

Change and develop: choosing new hobbies, style and social circle

Since unpleasant changes in life have already occurred through no fault of your own, productive and pleasant changes should be initiated by you yourself:

• Change outwardly. Change your hairstyle, hair color, make-up style. Transform your wardrobe, finally change the usual style of clothing.
• Change internally. We are talking about new hobbies, self-development and improvement of their skills and abilities. Always wanted to learn how to dance belly dance? Why not?! Now is the time. Sign up for language, culinary, art courses - this way you will occupy your thoughts with something pleasant and useful, and besides, you will find new like-minded people.
• Change environment. Especially if it is connected with a former man. Yes, people from your common past are not to blame for anything, but firstly, by their very appearance they will remind you that you need to forget. And secondly, inadvertently, in a conversation, they can constantly return out of habit to your broken couple and the object of former love. Extra reminders of this will not benefit the “recovering”.

In fact, the people we love require increased attention to themselves, thus taking away our time for our own development. Look at the situation from the other side - now you can invest your time resources in yourself, and not in someone else! And such an investment will benefit you, and not someone who can wave a pen at you at any time.

Feel free to ask for help!

In such a period after a breakup, even an experienced psychologist with a master's degree may need the help of a colleague. Feel free to admit that you need support, including a professional psychologist.

A more accessible alternative to psychological help is a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend. It is better not to trust the first unverified person you meet with your problems.

Although now gaining popularity this type of psychological assistance as training. People with the same type of problems gather in the same room and talk, helping each other find a way out of current life situations. Such events have already proven their effectiveness - against the backdrop of other people's more serious and hopeless situations, yours may not seem so catastrophic.

What not to do when you broke up?

Many women, not knowing how to survive a breakup with their beloved man, go to extremes. But this is absolutely impossible. Remember that where one door closes, another will open. And don't forget your self-esteem.

So, a girl can't:

• Run after a man, follow, bother with calls and messages.
• Threatening, blackmailing, manipulating children, etc.
• Arrange a showdown with a rival.
• Start a new romance out of spite, until you finally let go of your past love.

No matter how much it hurts, don't be embarrassed. Yes, there is always a chance that the departed man will return. Another question - do you need such a man who once left you? Each woman in a particular situation will have her own answer, no one has the right to judge the rest. But remember that if you exacerbate the departure of a spouse or boyfriend with the actions listed above, there will be no chance of him returning.

And further! Do not rush into the arms of the first person you meet. This is especially true for those who do not know how to survive a breakup with a guy after a long relationship. Forgetting a few lived years is much more difficult than monthly dates. Therefore, after such painful breaks, people simply do not control themselves and, at times, make mistakes.

It will not be possible to recover immediately even with the help of a new person, if enough time has not passed. But then you risk that your heart will be broken again. And besides, hurting a third person who does not know what is a way to "distract" is mean and low. Don't be like the one who hurt you.

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The rupture of relations is always not easy, and in such a situation it does not matter at all who initiated it. How to get over a breakup with the man you love? To make it easier to endure this sad event and avoid prolonged depression, you should heed the advice of experienced psychologists.

How to survive a breakup with a loved one

Everyone knows the bitterness of parting with a loved one, when a person who has become a relative during a relationship suddenly packs up and leaves, breaking hopes for joint happiness. Sadness, emptiness, disappointment and resentment cover the soul.

A person at such moments torments himself with worries and questions: how to survive a breakup, what to do to believe in love again, how to take a step towards a new life?

Positive thinking will speed up the process by 60%

Experts advise you to stop living in the past and let go of your loved one, trying to find positive aspects in parting.

Why is it hard to let go

The emotional pain that a person experiences at the time of parting is not easy to endure. Psychologists explain this reaction by the presence of several reasons.

The main ones include the following:

• Sincerity of feelings - when a place in your heart and thoughts is occupied by a single person, it is very difficult to understand that a relationship can end. Love does not go away immediately after a breakup, it takes time. Emotions need to cool down, so parting with a loved one is a long and difficult process;
• A feeling of affection for a loved one - if the partners were together for a long time, they believed each other, so it is very difficult to immediately realize that everything is over and the relationship can no longer be returned;
• Fear of loneliness - it often happens that after a loved one leaves, the other side is overtaken by disappointment and sadness, which negatively affects self-esteem and an adequate perception of one's own personality. Doubts begin to gnaw at a person: “And if I don’t love anyone else?”, “What if I am destined to spend the rest of my life alone?” etc. Such thoughts devastate and prolong the stressful state;
• Self-torture is a key moment, forcing the process of parting to scroll in the head again and again. The abandoned side begins to remember the bright moments of life together, view photos, listen to sad music - this leads to the fact that a person constantly lives in the past, which cannot be returned, and this suppresses even more.

Watch the video. How to survive a breakup with a man, boyfriend, husband?

Stages of acceptance

Psychologists say that the period during which a person experiences a separation from a loved one can last up to three years. In this case, the psychotype of a particular person plays an important role.

You need to learn to realize that such periods in life always become difficult.

In order to accept this statement, we should consider the main stages of acceptance that a person tends to experience after a breakup.

READ ALSO: How to survive parting with a loved one - advice from a psychologist.

Negation

At such moments, the human consciousness refuses to accept the fact that something sad has happened.

For example, an abandoned woman does not yet understand how to endure a break with her beloved man. It is easier for her in this case to deny that the relationship is over.

She does not want to let go of her loved one, trying to find a way to help return feelings. The girl hopes and believes that the situation can be corrected if she starts to act.

Anger

An abandoned person can be consumed by a feeling of hatred for a former partner. Bitterness and a sense of self-pity do not let a woman go at this stage of acceptance.

Deal

The girl is trying to involve the higher mind in the process, turning to providence with requests for help.

She asks to correct the situation and return the relationship with her beloved man, hoping that higher powers can do this.

A woman at such moments makes various promises, trying to prove that she will never repeat past mistakes and will not anger heaven.

READ ALSO: How to survive a breakup with your husband?

Depression

When a person does not understand how to endure a breakup, the advice of those people who have experienced similar situations will help overcome apathy and difficult thoughts.

At such moments, the girl concentrates exclusively on herself, constantly analyzes her own feelings, becoming indifferent to what is happening around.

It will not work to win the situation, even if you make every effort to do so. Realizing that the struggle for a relationship with a man is meaningless, a woman finds herself in a deep depression.

Adoption

How to survive a breakup with a loved one? What needs to be done for this?

As already noted, the first step is to accept this fact.

Only after passing the stage of acceptance, a person proceeds to personal growth, and mental anguish begins to slowly recede.

What Not to Do

Modern society is used to thinking in stereotypes. This also applies to the question of how to survive a breakup. Often such recommendations only worsen the situation.

The most popular "tips" are:

• Immediately comfort yourself in the arms of another man. This is the most common and destructive misconception that can overtake an abandoned woman. You may feel better at first. But that won't get rid of the sadness. In the future, you will only provoke an even greater development of depression;
• Trying to find solace in alcoholic beverages. Naturally, this will not bring benefits to your health. In addition, such a method will also not have a positive effect on the state of mind. As a result of alcohol abuse, only a headache will be added to the experience;
• Self care. In this case, a person turns off the phone, limits communication with others. Don't forget that your family and friends need you. Do not interrupt contact with them for a long time. Do not convince yourself that breaking up with the man you love is temporary. Humble yourself and try to accept it. The best way out in such a situation is to let go, forget insults and not provoke negativity;
• Do not fall for the tricks that the brain sends. The human mind is multifaceted and complex. Sometimes, even if we do not want to remember something, the brain suddenly gives out exactly what we are deliberately trying to forget.

When a break with a loved one occurs, a person often indulges in memories of the past: happy moments experienced together, the joy of mutual love and understanding. However, these are only illusions. Don't try to go back to the past, it won't happen again.

Switch your attention to those things that cause you genuine interest right now. After a while, negative memories will leave you, or at least stop being so disturbing.

READ ALSO: How to survive a divorce from your husband - advice from a psychologist.

How to get over a breakup with a loved one

It takes a lot of time to get over a difficult breakup with the man you love. You will have to learn to live again, without him. This requires patience and strength.

Try to understand that the past will not return, even if you long for it.

Do not look for someone to blame for this situation, build your life in such a way that feelings and thoughts about your loved one leave it as quickly as possible. Maybe in the future you can become friends, but for now it is better to put all thoughts of him out of your head.

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After a long relationship

Life changes, the search for a new hobby, and a hobby will help to survive parting with a beloved man.

At the same time, it is not at all necessary to turn the usual way of life upside down, because sometimes minor changes are enough to give positive emotions.

The most popular ways to help get through the pain after a breakup are as follows:

• Image change- according to psychologists, external changes can affect life after a break with a loved one, helping to change it in the shortest possible time. Try a new haircut, dye your hair, change your style of dress, revise and update your wardrobe;
• Sport- fitness classes or even simple exercises done at home will cheer you up, give you vigor and provide positive energy. In addition, this method helps to keep your body in great shape, and this contributes to the development of self-confidence;
• shopping- for the fair sex, this method of dealing with stress is one of the best. A new wardrobe will have a positive effect on your condition, it will help you quickly forget about the past and will certainly cheer you up. Shopping with friends will allow you to have a great day and buy new things - stylish and beautiful;
• Get it repaired- this process can distract from negative thoughts, and also help to make changes in your life. Engage in redevelopment, update the interior, get rid of furniture that reminds you of the past, so you create your own comfort zone;
• Make new acquaintances. The emergence of new people is important for maintaining life, self-development and gaining new experience. Invite new acquaintances to your home and spend the evening cheerfully and pleasantly, this will return your desire to live and move on;
• Distract yourself from negativity: often go to the cinema, theater, attend various events. So you can be inspired and become closer to the beautiful, and this will definitely help you get over parting with your beloved man faster. In addition, spiritual self-development is an important component for a versatile personality;
• Read good books- this will help to reconsider your attitude to what is happening, get positive emotions and find in yourself the desire for a new, happy life. Engage in self-education, try to study the basics of psychology, or opt for classic literature that will help you take a fresh look at yourself and the current situation;
• Get a pet. Being able to take care of someone will help you get through the separation as quickly as possible. You will no longer be overcome by a feeling of loneliness, because at home you will be met by your beloved animal, which will dilute boring evenings with its presence and cheer you up.

About self-respect

How to survive a breakup in a loved one? Think about yourself. If you do not value yourself, then no one will be able to inspire you that you are unique and inimitable, even with a great desire.

Do not forget that a person can be constantly abandoned only because of his own unmet needs:

• The desire to be protected. Such girls dream of becoming the wives of oligarchs. If you think that you won’t be able to live without a husband, experts advise you to think about the fact that you need to satisfy your needs on your own, and not with the help of your spouse. When the baby arrives, you will need to take care of him as well. Consult a psychologist if it is difficult to survive parting with a loved one for this very reason;
• Desire to receive love. Only together with a partner do you feel like a full-fledged woman. You think that you become a person exclusively next to a man. Love yourself for who you are. You cannot create a strong alliance if you do not value yourself.

About a change of scenery

After a breakup, a change of scenery is necessary. So you can analyze everything and recover emotionally.

The best option is to leave the city for a while.

At the same time, remember that you do not need to engage in self-flagellation, it is better to think about later life.

No matter how magical the relationship in a couple is. whether it be husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend, no one guarantees that the fairy tale will last forever. Often, on one far from perfect day, one of the partners utters a fatal phrase: “We need to leave, I'm leaving forever,” and you lose your love. How to adequately survive a breakup? How can you help a loved one cope with this loss? We will tell in this article.

Why is it so hard to get over a breakup?

Most people find that the initiator of a breakup usually has a much easier time getting over the end of a relationship. It is he who makes a difficult decision, manages to get used to it, and sometimes already has in mind a worthy, from his point of view, replacement.

However, the question of how to survive a breakup is asked by both former lovers, regardless of gender and who exactly suggested ending the relationship.

How to survive a breakup with a boyfriend, husband? Girls and women, as a rule, experience hard, it is more difficult for them to come to terms with the loss. Often, thinking about how to survive a breakup with a loved one, a girl is still far from realizing that the breakup is final and the former lover or husband will not return. Such a “waiting mode” - “what if he comes back to me” exhausts the nerves much more than separation itself.

Pain, bitterness, disappointment and ... emptiness - everyone who is going through a breakup with her husband has to face these unpleasant sensations, especially if they were long and intense. Accustomed to spending a lot of time with a loved one, it is difficult for a person to quickly find a worthy “replacement” that can fill the gap.

5 stages of accepting the inevitable

In the second half of the last century, E. Kübler-Ross, a psychotherapist from the United States, developed a conditional system, which has now become known as “5 stages of accepting the inevitable” or “5 stages of loss awareness”. This system is used in modern psychology, including for situations related to the loss of relationships and betrayal:

It is possible to overcome parting and betrayal - this is one of those tests that life presents to almost everyone. Of course, many (especially men) prefer the classic "Russian" method - a friendly binge. However, this only helps to forget for a while and drown out the pain, which will eventually return. To make it easier to transfer the gap, it is recommended to use the advice of psychologists.

Don't live in memories

Memories of the past literally kill the future. Of course, in a lost relationship there were many good and happy moments, there were also negative ones. However, you should not devote all your time to "skimming" episodes from the past in your thoughts and resurrecting relationships that have already been lost forever. This is not only pointless, but also harmful - such thoughts fuel depression.

Some psychologists recommend making a list of negative traits and qualities of your ex-partner (spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend) in order to find something good in breaking up with this person. However, this approach seems illogical, as it feeds the stage of aggression. There is no need to look for minuses in someone who gave his warmth and love, even if he doesn’t do it anymore.

Gratitude seems much more reasonable. You don't have to express it personally. It is enough to mentally thank for all the good things that happened in life thanks to the former lover, wish him a good journey in later life and close this topic. The past, good or bad, must remain in the past.

Get rid of negative emotions

After parting and betrayal, you need to be prepared for the fact that the memory will periodically immerse a person in memories of happy moments or, on the contrary, resurrect not the most pleasant episodes and events. It's quite normal. There is no need to get angry and try to get the lost relationship out of your head. As well as trying to drown out negative emotions in relation to yourself, a former lover, or the situation as a whole.

Emotions, even negative ones, will need to be lived and felt. They are like a tribute to the past. Only by paying it in full, a person becomes truly free from the past, which means that a new stage begins in life and a place appears for new events, acquaintances, relationships. To get rid of negative emotions, psychologists advise:

Chat with friends and family

How to survive a breakup with a husband or boyfriend, wife or girlfriend? To realize that a dear person, on his own initiative, abandoned his "soulmate" is hard and painful. Feeling bad in such a situation is the norm. However, this is not a reason to lock yourself in four walls and suffer alone.

The closest people - friends and relatives - will help to cope with the pain of loss, anger and resentment. It's time to call your mom or dad, spend a sincere evening with your family. The next day, contact an old girlfriend or friend and organize an exciting joint adventure - in a cheerful company there is no place for bad thoughts, they go away by themselves, as well as a feeling of emptiness.

Set yourself up for happiness and new relationships

Psychologists say that a positive inner attitude is very important - not only how a person perceives himself, but also the perception of his personality by others depends on it. If a woman, deep down, is still waiting for the return of her former lover, she unconsciously blocks all options for a new relationship, because, from her point of view, she remains not free.

Tune in to a positive wave, literally force yourself to believe that even without lost relationships there is every chance to find your happiness - this is real, you just need to want to.

People around feel ready for a new relationship subconsciously, and if a girl is open to communication, strives to find her love and find happiness, her dreams will come true.

How to deal with the pain of a breakup after a long relationship?

The end of a long-term relationship is always more painful than the end of an easy affair. The main cure for mental pain in such situations is time.

As the heroine of one popular series said, in order to forget a man, it will take half the time that you spent together. Of course, if we are talking about several years, we don’t want to wait so long, and we don’t need to.

Those who successfully survived a breakup after a long relationship often share their experiences on forums, blogs, social networking pages, and just in private conversations. All stories are individual and unique, but psychologists have compiled a list of the most common behaviors that can help many women and men who have been abandoned by a loved one:

How can you help your child cope with a breakup with a loved one?

It is always hard for parents to see the pain of their child. I would like to support my son or daughter to survive the breakup of a relationship with a loved one. Unfortunately, during this difficult period, many fathers and mothers make a number of critical mistakes, of course, with the best of intentions, and subsequently it becomes difficult to achieve a trusting relationship with the child. It is very important to follow these guidelines:

• Listen silently. If a daughter or son decides to talk about their experiences, you need to listen in silence. That is to say absolutely nothing. No memories of your own experience (how you experienced a similar situation), useful advice, comparisons, especially sarcasm or barbs against a former lover. Attentive sympathetic look and silence. Also, don't ask questions. When the story is over, you just need to say: “I understand you,” “I sympathize with you,” or just as silently hug.
• Surround with warmth and care. Wrap up with a blanket or bring a pillow, offer a cup of hot tea or cocoa, a piece of cake or a delicious sandwich... Caring should not be excessive or intrusive, the main thing is that it be sincere.