How to get over the end of a long relationship. How to survive a breakup - expert advice. What does it mean

Everyone has gone through it at least once in their life. This is the same life stage as the beginning of a relationship, falling in love, marriage, having children. But after parting, we feel by no means positive emotions, but loneliness, loss, pain in the heart, emptiness.

How to survive negative emotions and continue to live on:, enjoy the little things, do what you love. It’s hard on the soul, it seems as if the heart was taken out of the chest and trampled on it. Whatever you do, the pain of separation does not leave, it seems as if it was a bad dream.

Such experiences arise if your loved one, and not you, became the initiator of the separation.

The first time after breaking up with a loved one

You heard those very horrifying words: "we need to part." At first you don't believe it: it's not true, it's a dream, I heard it. But no, your partner is as serious as ever, he really wants to break up with you forever. After a while, you understand the essence of what is happening. And then it breaks you. Tears of despair spill out, devastation, as if water was poured from a vase near a flower, it dies, suffocates, loses consciousness from hopelessness. It seems everything, life is slipping away from under your feet, those happy days are gone, and thoughts about the future have disappeared in the darkness of cutting words.

The first thing that comes to mind at such moments is the question “why”. Not always a loved one can answer it. He leaves, and you are left alone with your despair, grief, resentment. But understand that life did not stop there. Step over the pain, look at the world with different eyes, rejoice in freedom, lack of obligations to your soulmate, soon you will feel lightness and freshness.

Everyone chooses their own way to get rid of negative emotions. Some meet with friends to cry and complain about the difficult fate. Others prefer to go through a breakup all alone, eat sweet buns and chocolates to a tearful melodrama. And still others go away from those places where people. Many people prefer to go to a party and. But getting drunk is not an option. Once you can stretch out, relax and forget, but you should not make such a lifestyle everyday. Firstly, alcohol will adversely affect the appearance, and secondly, it will not help to cope with the problem. It will most likely only make it worse. Especially if you decide to go all out: dedicate the night to the first person you meet, or even not one or more than one.

What to do to survive the breakup of a relationship with a loved one

Yes, an unpleasant event happened in your life that turned your life upside down. But she doesn't end there.

Psychologists advise not to sit still:

Sport strengthens not only the body, but also the spirit, disciplines, makes you think about life, rethink values. It is not necessary to engage in professional sports (football, tennis, volleyball). Choose what you like. Go for a couple of trial classes. It is important to choose a gym closer to home, then the excuses that it is far and too lazy to get there will disappear by themselves. Start with the pool. Swimming relaxes, strengthens all muscles, and at the same time improves immunity. Such activities will please not only the figure, but also health in general. The pool is easy to combine with other activities. Usually, along with the pool, there are other sections in the gyms. For example, dance. After incendiary Latin or bright street dances, go for a swim in the pool, then all thoughts about the former will dissolve so quickly that you won’t even notice. If all this is not for you, you have a direct road to group classes in step aerobics or in the gym. The main thing is to choose the activity that will really delay. And you will go to it not because you "have to", but because you want to.

Along with sports, take care of your appearance: hairstyle, skin condition, cellulite, etc. Visit a beautician, or better go full. At the hairdresser, radically change the style, hairstyle, ask the makeup artist to do an unusual make-up for you. Then life will sparkle with new colors, you will want to show yourself to the world, go out, find new friends, and maybe new love.
Go to a party. Call old girlfriends and friends, gather a party at home or in a public place: cafe, restaurant, entertainment center. Where it will be fun and interesting to spend time with a big company. It is not necessary to come up with a holiday yourself, ask someone to visit or go to a disco, a club, dance, develop. You can go alone and meet new interesting people there.

And nearby, sweetly snoring, an unknown man will sleep. Keep yourself in control, but at the same time loosen up, give free rein to feelings and emotions, dance is the best solution.

If you are experiencing a separation from your loved one is very difficult, contact. He will tell you how to behave in such a situation, recommend what to do. And in advanced cases, he will prescribe the necessary treatment (antidepressants or sedative pills). But it is better not to bring yourself to such a state. Try to manage on your own. Although a visit to a psychologist is not considered reprehensible. Modern society no longer perceives this doctor as something shameful.
Talk to yourself. Sometimes we are the best psychologist for ourselves. Lie down comfortably at home, turn on relaxing music, it is relaxing, not oppressive, sad. Light up an aroma lamp for a spa effect. Think about the positive things that happened after breaking up with your significant other. Take paper and a pen, tune in to the desired mood. Remember exactly the good things that happened later. You probably won’t be able to write one paragraph right away, but push yourself. Include in the list even the smallest details that are not evident. After parting, you bought yourself a dress or shoes that you had been staring at in the store for a long time, and your loved one did not allow you to waste money. Either you lost 2 kg, or you got a kitten, a puppy, new friends at home, you came up with a hobby. Do not remember the negative, shed tears, spent nerve cells, thrown away gifts of a loved one. All this is in the past. Your future is joyful moments, which, if you wish, write down in a notebook every day. In the evening, before going to bed, sit down and remember what good things happened during the day. It is also important to write down every little thing. After a while, you will notice that each time it becomes easier to remember the good, the number of points will increase. Such a kind of auto-training will bring you to your senses, make you happy, teach you to enjoy every little thing.

Do you know the saying "a wedge knocks out a wedge"? So in your case it will work. Register on dating sites and chat. This option is not the only place for such a pastime, but you should not exclude it. Sometimes on boring evenings, chat with an interesting man. But don't believe everything they tell you. On the letter, everything goes well, and the photo may not be real. But if you still decide to meet with the person you like, be extremely careful. Do not agree to a meeting with him or at home, it is better to chat, have dinner at a local cafe, where there are always a lot of people. There will be at least some idea of ​​a person as a person. And it may not coincide with the one that appeared after communication in the virtual world.

Let go. The person you broke up with gave you many wonderful moments. Remember them and remain grateful to him for it. Mentally wish him happiness and let him go. It doesn’t sound very clear, but try to feel this moment inside yourself. When you stop hoping for a return, reconciliation, jealousy will go away, then you let him go. This will give spiritual relief, you will feel as if wings have grown on your back.
When point 7 is fulfilled, you can think about the future. You no longer think about the former man, he is the past, and you are the future. Better change of scenery. Go to rest on the sea, meet an attractive man there and spend unforgettable days together. As an option, . This will help to distract from obsessive thoughts and immerse yourself in workdays with your head. With work, the team, environment, and bosses will also change. This will be a distraction for the wounded soul.
Do good deeds. But they need to be done not for your own benefit and on the basis that a person will answer you in the same way. Do sincere things that come from the heart, do not hope that "you will be rewarded." It is not necessary to do things only in relation to people, feed a homeless animal or take it home, cure it, feed it. If you are not going to keep him for yourself, then after all the manipulations, look for new owners for him.

When you pass all these points, or at least part of them, you will feel freedom. And then start looking for a real new love. Are you ready for it. Very soon, life will change for the better, and the past will remain behind a gray veil. It will seem only a terrible dream that you did not dream.

Usually a person begins to suffer very much when his relationship is broken. And it is not surprising, since we are talking about an emotional attachment to another person, with whom there has not yet been a willingness to part. You can compare the breakup of a relationship with money: when you are ready to part with it, that is, to spend it, you do it with ease, rather than at those moments when you lose money or are taken away from you, when you are not ready to part with it. Experts give advice in the online magazine site on how to survive a breakup, which is always a painful and tragic event.

The easiest ones are those who initiate the breakup. However, not everything is clear-cut here either. Absolute lightness after the break of the union is experienced only by the person who was already ready for this event. Usually, the readiness to leave can be determined by the following signs:

1. Lack of interest in the other person.
2. Lack of desire to see, hear and spend time with him.
3. Absolute indifference to everything that happens to him.
4. Even the absence of a partner who can flirt and sleep with someone.

If no feelings arise in relation to a partner, then it's time to part with him. And the person here is actually relieved after parting, because it feels like he has taken off an extra load.

A little more tragic are the events experienced by the initiator of a break in relations, if he did it out of stupidity or was forced to do so. For example, a partner cheated on him, which he cannot forgive (while feelings for him remain). Or a woman on emotions broke off relations, which often happens, and then, when she calmed down, she realized the stupidity of her act. If at the same time it is impossible to return what was mistakenly lost, then suffering intensifies.

The most vivid emotions are experienced by the person who did not initiate the breakup. He might not have known that tragedy was coming. He could guess, but try not to think about it. Usually, a breakup occurs during quarrels, when the partner can no longer stand it and, on emotions, betrays his desire to dissolve the relationship. At first, those who have broken up may think that their breakup is only temporary. However, when time passes, and the partner does not return, moreover, it is impossible to return him, then the emotions of grief intensify.

Experts attribute the breakup of a relationship to the same losses in a person’s life as the death of a loved one or the loss of a large amount of money that he has been saving for many years. Imagine a situation when you give your years, strength and all resources, feelings to a person, and he suddenly breaks off relations. The pain intensifies even more if it turns out that the person was not just parted, but replaced with another partner. Self-esteem suffers greatly when a person finds out that a former partner has left for another.

The experience of a breakup goes through 5 stages of its development. At each stage, a person experiences a certain set of emotions. They are all natural and should be experienced. A problem can arise only if a person gets stuck at one of the stages and cannot pass it for a long time.

1. Rejection. A person cannot come to terms with what happened, moreover, he does not yet believe that the relationship is no more. He continues to dream of a future where he and his partner are together. He continues to act as if the relationship is still there. He continues to lead the same routine of life when he is forced to devote time and attention to his partner. Any thought that the relationship is no more is not yet taken seriously.
2. Aggression. When the first understanding of what happened comes, the person begins to get angry. Here he begins to look for the guilty and turn out on everyone who falls under his arm. Guilty, he can consider himself, then a former partner, then others, then circumstances.
3. Bargain. Further, a person begins to bargain as he realizes that the relationship is destroyed. Who is he trading with? With myself. He imagines situations when his former soulmate tries to return to him, enjoys her humiliation and pleas, while proudly holding her head and begins to make demands. He can negotiate with himself how long he will suffer and love his former partner if he suddenly wants to return.
4. . When all previous actions remained meaningless, unrealized, occurred only in the head, the person begins to realize even more what happened. From the realization of the absence of relationships, a person goes into depression. This is the so-called stage of humility, when a person begins to clearly see what happened, feel pain because of it and gradually reconcile.
5. New life. When a person has gone through all the previous stages, played enough with his emotions and possible options for events, comes to terms with the irretrievable departure of his former partner, he begins to realize that he is wasting his time on groundless and unnecessary experiences. While he suffers, his time is running out. He might already be interested in another person, he might spend his energy on something more useful. When a person understands that it is time to stop suffering for the past and you need to start living in the present and the future, then he moves on to a new life.

How to survive a breakup?

Not a single psychologist will say that the breakup of a relationship is easy to survive. While a person goes through the stages of awareness and humility with the situation, tries to return the former and suffers enough, a lot of time will pass. For some, it takes months, and for others, even years. Surviving a breakup will not be easy if you have not cooled down with feelings for your ex-partner and everything happened against your will.

To begin with, you should deal with your own feelings that were hurt by a former partner who broke up or contributed to the breakup of the relationship. Surely the feeling of pride and ego is hurt, which say that no one can leave you, everyone loves and appreciates you. When the situation shows the opposite, a person first of all suffers because he was rejected, not appreciated, humiliated, and not because of any other reasons.

Then a person needs to realize that the breakup of a relationship makes him change his usual way of life. Suffering arises not because another person leaves, but because the absence of a relationship forces a person to change his habits, which have been working and being introduced into his life for so long. He suffers because of the new life, which does not allow him to live as before.

To survive a breakup, psychologists recommend not returning your ex-partner. If all points are placed, the former partner has clearly and clearly stated his desire to never be with you again, you need to accept this. Moreover, you need to stop being interested in the life of a partner, follow him, learn about him from mutual friends. Until your heart has grown cold towards the past, you must minimize all sources that may remind you of it. And then, when the feelings completely subside, you can be interested if you so desire.

While you are only experiencing a breakup, psychologists recommend thinking about the reasons for what happened. This will allow you to no longer repeat the mistakes that were made by you personally. It doesn't matter what the former partner is to blame for. This is his choice and his mistakes, for which he will be personally responsible. Your task is to understand what you were wrong about, which is why the relationship broke up. When you start a new relationship, this will allow you to no longer face such a break in the union.

How can a woman deal with a breakup with a man?

Men and women deal with breakups differently. Consider what a woman can do to survive the breakup of an alliance with a man:

1. Put on the mask of a successful woman. Yes, you are sad and uncomfortable. However, you should save your face. Don't give up, keep admiring yourself. Perhaps, while you are suffering, a man will pass by you who could be interested in you, but did not do this, because you were upset, whiny and ugly.
2. Let go of the ex. Gradually, a man should be released into the past. Do not blame him for anything, try to talk less about him with friends and remember. Just let a person live the way he wants, even if he will be happy not next to you.
3. Start making new plans. You are suffering because you still do not let go of the past. However, time goes by. If you want to stop holding on to what is long gone, start dreaming about the future. These plans should include you and a man with whom you are not yet building a relationship. Imagine how you will relax, work and live with another man.
4. Implement what was previously forbidden. Relationships always assume that the partner forbids doing something: beautiful makeup, going to nightclubs, flirting with men, devoting time to work, etc. Surely your man forbade you to do something. Now that you have parted, realize those desires that you could not realize before.
5. Chat with new people. Once you have become free, then allow yourself new acquaintances. Continue to communicate with friends and relatives, with pleasure go to new contacts with people whom you do not know yet. This will allow you to quickly forget the ex.

Please note that you are not recommended to start a new relationship just to forget about the old ones. If you are not interested in a new man and are not in love with him, then you should not start a relationship, because it always ends in failure.

How can a man deal with a breakup with a woman?

Despite the calm expression on his face, a man experiences a breakup no less emotionally than a woman. He can suffer very much if the relationship broke up suddenly and for unknown reasons. Often a man begins to drink too much, putting his life at risk by driving fast or entering into various conflict situations with other men. A man suffers, so he often punishes himself for it. Why? Because he depended on a woman, which is a consequence of dislike for himself.

How can a man get over a breakup?

1. Restore self respect. A man should start by loving and appreciating himself. If a woman could not appreciate a person like you, then this is her problem.
2. Remember that life is short, so it's pointless to waste time worrying and suffering for a person who won't appreciate it anyway. Value your life above any experiences and the personality of another person.
3. Engage in self-improvement. Surely your self-esteem has fallen a little due to the departure of a woman. You felt like you weren't good for her. In fact, the woman could leave for other reasons. However, you now have time to make yourself better: start playing sports, professional development, mental abilities, etc.
4. Take care of yourself. And start by stopping hurting yourself with your thoughts.
5. Stop following your ex. In general, try not to be interested in her. Why do you need this?
6. Meet new people. You do not need to start a new relationship if no one has interested you yet. It will be enough just to communicate with people who do not know what happened to you.

How do you end up getting over a breakup?

If the relationship broke up, you should accept it. Be mindful of where you spend your time and take responsibility for your decisions. Do not feel sorry for yourself, it will only aggravate your feelings. Remember that you do not have to suffer because of a breakup, as is customary in society. You can drop your experiences and ignore them.

Almost all people are familiar with such a phenomenon as parting. When a breakup occurs, the question inevitably arises of how to survive it. It is in this matter that many people have a lot of problems, since starting a relationship is much more pleasant than breaking them off.

The online magazine site attributes the breakup to loss as a person goes through the 5 stages of coming to terms with reality:

1. Negation. The person at first cannot believe what has happened. He still hopes that his beloved partner will return, they will reconcile. But time passes, the relationship does not resume, which is why the next stage begins.
2. . Here a person begins to be aggressive towards himself and his former partner. He begins to look for the guilty, blaming himself or his former partner for the destruction of the relationship.
3. Bargain. At this stage, a person is trying to somehow subdue his anger and even thinks over a plan to resume relations. It is not uncommon here to dream about how a partner will call, he will put forward conditions that will allow them to live together again.
4. . When reality speaks inexorably about the absence of relationships, a person slowly agrees with it. This introduces him into a depressive state - the awareness of a destroyed relationship.
5. New life. If a person calmly goes through all the previous stages, then in time he comes to the idea that he needs to live on. It is at this stage that he lets go of the past and begins to dream about the future, to live again.

Breaking up a relationship is never a pleasant event. Everyone is faced with the fact that they experience pain and the desire to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Typically, separation experiences last from three months to 3 years, which depends on many factors (for example, feelings for a former partner, character trait, memories, lifestyle, etc.).

If the former partner does not want to return, it means that he has already cooled down with feelings for you or is very disappointed. In this case, you either have to return it yourself, or put up with the final one.

When a breakup occurs, the pain causes the need to change the usual way of life. A person is already used to how he lived while in a relationship. Now again you need to change everything and get used to a free life, which is not always what a person wants.

How exactly to survive and go through the stage of parting? Many people say that you just need to calm down and wait a bit. They are right, but partially. After all, while you wait and relax, a person tries to return to the past more than once in order to think again about what happened.

So how do you get over a breakup?

1. Let go of past relationships.

If you lost your favorite thing, how long would you grieve? You would be upset, remember a little about it, but then you would decide to replace it with a new thing, or simply forgot that you had it. So, why don't you do the same with past love relationships? Yes, you loved, you had common plans. But life has changed, your loved one has left or you have left him. Now you have an empty space where relationships used to be built. And only you can decide what you will build on it now: cherish and grieve, contemplating an empty place or build a new relationship with another person?

1. Don't keep feelings to yourself.

Allow yourself to talk about the past, get angry and cry if you feel like it. And most importantly, allow yourself to love your ex, if you still love him. Because you have feelings, it is not necessary to run and return a partner. If you understand that the relationship cannot be renewed, but you still love, then allow yourself to realize all this. Yes, you love, but you cannot be together with your loved one. But do not limit yourself, do not try to run away from your own feelings. Learn to live with them, and perhaps soon you will be able to give these feelings to another person.

1. Love yourself.

Remember that you have you. , please yourself, support yourself. Don't think that you lost or failed because of the breakup. This is an erroneous opinion. You had a relationship, but they passed. However, you got invaluable experience next to a former partner, which you might not have received if you had nothing. Therefore, appreciate what was before, but also appreciate yourself in the present. You have you: Appreciate and love yourself.

1. Give yourself some time.

Naturally, time helps if you allow yourself to worry about what happened and are tuned in to a brighter future. Let yourself just get used to the new state when you are free (not alone, but free!).

1. Set yourself up for the positive.

Namely, set yourself up for the fact that you can still translate into reality what you want from a relationship. Only it will be with a new partner. Therefore, just be prepared for the fact that love will soon overwhelm you again, and you will have to once again embody your desires.

The reason for the suffering of people who are at the stage of separation or have already passed through this stage is. Note that you may not love your partner, dream of a different future that is not related to him, or for you the desire of a loved one to leave is like a bolt from the blue, although you completely support yourself financially, etc. But for some reason you continue relationship or trying to return an already broken union, so as not to be lonely and abandoned to the will of fate.

A person in such moments is overcome by fear. And those who cannot cope with it, succumb to it, trying to return or save what no one needs, if only not to face an unpleasant reality.

In addition to the fear understandable to everyone, unwillingness to be free and inability to be free, a person is still overcome by one fear. A person is afraid or simply does not want to change his previous lifestyle, which he has developed with a former partner, to one that will satisfy him when he is left alone. A person has no other strong interests that could distract him from the desire to return or maintain obsolete relationships. In other words, the individual is afraid that he will be left alone and he will have to change his lifestyle, plans, daily routine so much that he feels happy and complete without a beloved partner.

Why is it so scary after a breakup? Because you don't know what lies ahead. But it is not even known when you are in a love relationship: you do not know when you or your partner will want to break off the union. Therefore, it should be understood that parting is the loss of only one person - your former lover or beloved. Everything else remains with you: body, soul, feelings, plans for the future, friends and loved ones, home, money, etc. You just need to learn how to live in a new way, without a loved one, make plans yourself and achieve them. And don’t even think about loneliness, because as soon as you start acting, you will forget about it.

How to survive the breakup of a relationship for a woman?

Psychologists will tell you how to survive a breakup in a relationship with a woman:

1. Put on the mask of a successful woman. Stop grieving and talking about your troubles. Start living.
2. Don't resent your ex. Forgive the man. He has the right to his happiness, even if it is not next to you.
3. Stop thinking about the future in which the former gentleman is present. Your future must exclude it completely. Stop dreaming of revenge, of how you will meet and amaze him with your beauty.
4. Understand what opportunities have opened up for you in connection with obtaining freedom. In a relationship with your man, not everything was allowed to you. Now you are free. Start making your wishes come true.
5. Start making yourself happy. It doesn't matter what it will be - headlong into work, shopping, gatherings with friends, meeting new men, etc. The main thing is that you enjoy what you do.

How to survive the breakup of a relationship for a man?

If a breakup occurs unexpectedly or out of some stupidity, it becomes a shock for a man. Parting leads to a feeling of emptiness inside. This is especially true for addicted people. If a man depends on a woman, then he does not love her, but rather does not love himself. That is why it becomes unbearable for him to experience parting.

1. Do physical work or go to the gym to release your energy.
2. Don't take the end of a relationship as the end of your life. You continue to live, which means that there is still a lot of new things ahead.
3. Don't be alone with yourself. Start spending more time with your friends.
4. Do not follow the life of an ex-woman. Don't go to her page at all.
5. Eliminate everything from your life that reminds you of your ex. Remove phone numbers, joint photos and other attributes.
6. Get to know new people more. Don't run away from women.
7. Keep yourself busy with something interesting.

Outcome

Human history is often replete with such love stories, when the relationship of two people breaks up due to some ridiculous quarrels. Either because of jealousy, or because of another scandal, or because of viewing the messages of a loved one, or because of a refusal to relax as the partner wants, the couple disperses, completely ending the relationship. How can that be? After all, before these events, the partners went through and solved more complex problems. They could not be separated by evil tongues or a temporary misunderstanding of each other. How can one random and absurd mistake easily destroy what was previously cherished and built?

Perhaps such an incomprehensible incident occurred in your life that due to an accidental misconduct that could not lead to parting, your relationship nevertheless broke up. This often happens for one of three main reasons:

• Encounter with an imperfect person.

People very often succumb to such a phenomenon as creating an ideal image of a loved one. Many of them do not just cherish their fictional image when they are alone, but also impose it on a real partner with whom they build a relationship. In other words, the person does not see the real man or woman he is dating. He builds relationships with the ideal image that he has imposed on his beloved. And so, when a person suddenly encounters an act of a partner that contradicts his ideal image, he takes off his “rose-colored glasses” and realizes that in fact his beloved is not ideal.

The collision of a fictional image with a completely earthly person can hit so hard that the individual does not immediately come to his senses. And here everything depends on him. Will he be able to accept his partner as an ordinary imperfect person? Will he be able to forgive the offense that led to the destruction of his image, which he himself imposed on a real person? Will he even want to continue to build relationships with those whom he did not notice before, but was still there? If a person is not ready to live with a real partner, the way he is in life, then the relationship will collapse.

• Lack of trust.

Trust is very easy to destroy, but hard to earn! This is exactly what a person faces when his partner, by his actions, shows distrust of him. Surveillance, interrogations, inquiries, checks - all this is a hidden form of distrust of a partner. And, it is possible that your misconduct could contain a certain amount of distrust in a partner. You got jealous or began to get to the bottom of something, which led to the idea that you do not trust your loved one. And how can you build harmonious relationships if there is no trust?

This kind of transgression undermines a person's belief that he is loved. He wants to build a relationship with a faithful, loving and trusting partner, but he is faced with the exact opposite situation. Until you trust, you take the position of a “victim” who is not able to form a happy union on an equal footing with your loved one. It is this understanding that leads to the idea of ​​not resuming the relationship.

• The last quarrel as an excuse.

Very often, the last quarrel is just an excuse to leave. In fact, the partner has long been dissatisfied with something and was thinking about breaking up with you, but he did not have the strength or determination to take such a step. And the last conflict situation, no matter how ridiculous it was, was just an excuse not to return to a relationship with you.

In this case, you need to figure out what were the true reasons for your separation. And they should be looked for in the previous quarrels and discontents of your partner, which happened before the moment of the last quarrel and parting.

Letting go and forgetting a long-term relationship after a breakup can be difficult. It doesn't matter who initiated the breakup, you or your partner. After the breakup, numerous memories, feelings, connections with people remain. But for the sake of your well-being, letting go of these relationships is useful and even necessary. Someday you will feel like a whole being again and will be able to open your heart to a new person. In order to effectively overcome the consequences of breaking up a long-term relationship, you should take care of yourself, engage in self-development, and also learn how to adequately behave towards your former partner.

Steps

How to overcome emotional pain

Allow yourself to grieve. In experiencing a breakup, it is important to overcome the emotional shock. Allow yourself to feel grief, sadness, anger. These are normal and completely natural emotions that remain after a breakup. Give yourself enough time to grieve and recover at your own pace. Take care of your emotional needs.

• If you want to stay home and cry into your pillow, do it.
• To accept your emotions, you can say to yourself: “Yes. I feel bad right now. And that's okay. I'm going through a difficult time right now."
• In order to get in touch with your emotions and experience suffering, it is important to accept emotions without judging or trying to change them. Sit down, give free rein to emotions, observe what feelings they cause in you. What do you feel in your body? This information will allow you to determine exactly how you are feeling and help you deal with your feelings appropriately.

1. Talk about it. Accept help and support from your social environment. This will help you go through the healing process after a breakup. Being able to speak your feelings out loud in front of people you trust will speed up your emotional healing, not to mention the support you can get from those who care about you. It is important to acknowledge that you are in pain. If you pour out your heart, it will help it thaw in the future.

   • Invite a friend or girlfriend to your place so that they can support you during this period. You could sit together in pajamas and watch a movie. Use this time to connect with your friend and discuss your feelings about the breakup.
   • Go with a friend or family member to a cafe, drink a cup of coffee, have a snack.

   ADVICE OF THE SPECIALIST

   Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a recovery camp that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing broken hearts. Her team of psychologists and coaches have helped hundreds of people in just 2 years, and the camp has been recognized by CNN, Vogue, The New York Times and Fortune for its innovative and scientific approach. Her debut book, Breakup Bootcamp, will be published by HarperCollins in January 2020.

   Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp

   Open up to people with care. Amy Chan, founder of Renew Bootcamp Breakup, says: “When you're going through a breakup, be careful about asking people for advice. Family and friends often have the best of intentions, but may not know enough to give advice or project their own biases or dysfunctional beliefs onto you.”

   Let your friends take care of you right after the breakup. Often friends will try to keep you busy. And it will help you feel better. Let them know if this is the case. Entertainment is a great way to feel better after a breakup.

   Write about it. To get through the emotions and thoughts associated with a breakup, it can be helpful to write a creative and expressive letter.

   • Write down what you think and feel about the break in a Word document or journal.
   • Try not to change your status on social networks, write on blogs or on other sites on the Internet. Don't show your feelings.
   • You can write a letter to your ex that you will never send. Tell him how you feel. You won't need to worry about his reaction, because you will never send him this letter.

2. Don't blame yourself. Those who blame themselves for the breakup can end up feeling sad, anxious, depressed, and even in poor health. Those who do not blame themselves are better able to process their emotions and more realistically consider the negative events that happened to them.

   Get distracted. Sometimes after a breakup, people start to delve into themselves: “What could I have done better? Am I good enough? However, this only leads to more stress and difficulty adjusting emotionally to the new situation.

   Pay attention to your personal growth

   1. Focus on yourself. New relationships can expand your self-awareness as you adjust to the other person. However, after a breakup, it can be difficult for you to rediscover your uniqueness and find meaning in every day. Therefore, try to rediscover your essence and appreciate your individuality.

      Realize the positive consequences. Many people believe that breakups, while difficult and painful, eventually lead to positive outcomes. Think about what positive results your breakup can lead to. This will help you feel less sad or angry.

      • For example, your breakup gave you the opportunity to focus on your studies, work, or other responsibilities. Some people note that the breakup gives them more freedom.
      • You may also have personal positive consequences, for example, you began to trust yourself more, became more self-sufficient, were able to accept yourself.
      • In addition to influencing the world around you and your personality, you can improve your communication skills and gain valuable experience for future relationships (for example, the ability to admit when you are wrong).

   2. Learn from your mistakes. Some relationships fall apart due to partners' dissatisfaction, unequal contributions, or mental attempts to find an alternative ("there are a lot of fish in the sea"). It is easier for people to end relationships if they feel strong social support outside of the relationship.

   Learn how to properly communicate with your ex

   Decide for yourself if you want to remain friends. Those who were friends before a romantic relationship often remain friends after a breakup. You are unlikely to remain friends if, after the breakup, you completely move away from each other. In any case, you will need time to maintain a distance and be alone.

   Keep your distance. Even if you choose to remain friends, it will be easier for you to get through this period if you do not see your ex and talk to him.

   • At this stage, it will be useful to remove him from your friends on social networks, remove his number from your phone and try to communicate with him less.
   • If you and your ex want to stay friends, let them know that you need some time and that you'll let them know when you're ready to talk again.

   1. Get rid of anything that reminds you of your ex. It will be easier for you to survive grief if you are not surrounded on all sides by things that remind you of it. If you let go of it on a physical and virtual level, it will be easier for you to let go of it emotionally as well.

   2. If you ever encounter him, be polite and brief. If you turn the gap into a constant battle, it will only cause you more pain.

      • If it hurts too much to talk to your ex, try to move away from the situation so you don't have to talk to him. In the healing process, it is important to set boundaries. If you don't want to talk to him, then you don't have to.
      • If you decide to talk to him, communicate politely, smile.
      • Show respect. If you behave aggressively, yelling: “I hate you!”, throwing various objects at your ex, this will not solve the problem.

   3. Keep good memories. Just because your relationship is over doesn't mean you need to erase it from your memory. The person you had a relationship with had a big impact on you and your life, and you can appreciate it. This is especially helpful if you feel a lot of resentment and anger towards your ex. Focus on the good. It will help you overcome grief and bring something positive out of the relationship that ended.

      • Forgive your ex for his mistakes. If you harbor a grudge, then only you will become worse from this, and the healing process can be significantly delayed. You don't need to tell him about your forgiveness, either in person, over the phone, or in any other way. Just forgive him in your heart and it will have the desired effect.
      • Try not to remember happy moments. This will provoke you to longing and prolong the process of mourning.
   • Relationship breakups are not easy. Don't think you can handle this overnight. Give yourself time and space to grieve and heal.
   • If the relationship has been long, do not break it off just like that. Weigh the pros and cons. If one outweighs the other, you know what to do. Don't think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but also don't think you'll never meet someone better or worse than your partner. Always try to think logically: a breakup hurts and you will need time to get over it.

   Sources

   1. http://search.proquest.com/openview/68a3a844afd95eee1b04de2e255c9836/1?pq-origsite=gscholar
   2. http://individual.utoronto.ca/sspielmann/Spielmann_MacDonald_Tackett_2012pdf.pdf
   3. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/08870440290025768
   4. http://ir.lib.uwo.ca/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3606&context=etd
   5. http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Michael_Wohl/publication/232525573_Looking_within_Measuring_state_self-forgiveness_and_its_relationship_to_psychological_well-being/links/02e7e537b80475092f000000.pdf
   6. http://dspace.library.uvic.ca:8080/bitstream/handle/1828/734/saffrey_2005.pdf?sequence=1&origin=publicationDetail
   7. http://arizona.openrepository.com/arizona/bitstream/10150/301658/1/azu_etd_12901_sip1_m.pdf
   8. http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Russell_Clayton/publication/237094566_Cheating_Breakup_and_Divorce_Is_Facebook_Use_to_Blame/links/0c960527a656bb672a000000.pdf
   9. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3472530/
   10. http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gary_Lewandowski_Jr/publication/227603396_Losing_a_selfexpanding_relationship_Implications_for_the_selfconcept/links/02e7e524c150269363000000.pdf
   11. http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Erica_Slotter/publication/261608857_Me_After_You_Partner_Influence_and_Individual_Effort_Predict_Rejection_of_Self-Aspects_and_Self-Concept_Clarity_After_Relationship_Dissolution/links/53d2444e0cf2206536.pdfc3

Breaking up a relationship is always stressful and difficult to deal with. Moreover, a gap can occur both in healthy relationships and in neurotic ones. Breaking up a healthy relationship is easier. In such cases, the couple is usually in dialogue, this decision is not a bolt from the blue. Most often, the decision to leave is made together, the partners are prepared for changes in life, everyone is confident in their abilities, expects the best from the future and is adapted to a new life. Of course, even if the decision was balanced, it takes time to emotionally, physically and from the everyday point of view to separate from the partner, to adjust to a new rhythm. And yet, in this case, all this is experienced as something that can be overcome and live on.

The rupture of neurotic relationships is more difficult. In this case, within the union there was no practice of confidential communication, an open dialogue, where partners frankly express their will and desires. Often partners do not even really know each other, do not seek to understand the motives and feelings of a partner. If the breakup and separation come as a surprise, it is highly likely that it was a neurotic relationship.

In this situation, the one who did not make the decision to leave is going through a difficult and traumatic experience. This can exacerbate chronic psychological trauma, which will “finish off” a person already exhausted by a break. Fortunately, this experience can become a turning point in understanding yourself and your needs, pathological attitudes and broken schemes in the field of love (and not only) relationships.

Where does it all come from

Neurotic love, like toxic relationships, has its origins in childhood and reflects relationships with parents. For example, if a child suffered from the coldness of his parents, it is likely that in adulthood he will look for the same partner. His ideas about love and relationships are associated with detachment, so the colder the better.

Another example: Quite often, depressed parents (or one of them) instill guilt in the child. This happens automatically and sometimes without the parents realizing that the child is constantly suffering from the fact that he cannot make mom or dad happy. Such a child will look for a partner who is difficult to please.

Neurotic relationships differ from healthy ones in that in the first place, the partner “loves” through suffering, because, unfortunately, he does not have the experience of relationships in which everyone is satisfied and happy. He loves those who do not value him, repels and brings pain. Such relationships are based on the fact that a person revisits the cinema of the past over and over again: despite the fact that his partner is cold, nevertheless they are together, which means that it is similar to what happened to him in childhood - in his understanding, this is there is a love that he associates with any kind of suffering, just not to be abandoned.

Therefore, when such a person is abandoned by a partner in adulthood, the picture of his childhood, in which he was not noticed, did not share warmth with him and did not pay due attention, comes to life. The biggest fear of his childhood came true - he was abandoned after all. The suffering that arises in response is chronic trauma. They are so painful that they do not allow you to look at this situation differently and benefit from it, for example, recognize the previous relationship as destructive, draw conclusions and still find that person who will honestly love in return.

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Defense reactions of the psyche

If the separation entailed the revival of old sores, psychological defenses will be the first thing to stabilize the mental state.

• Negation
  “No, this will pass and we will be together again!” A person who uses denial will selflessly look for signs that he is right. For example, a woman can persuade herself that even though her partner left her, he did not leave for another, which means that he does not love anyone and will soon return back.
• crowding out
  An abandoned partner can tell himself: “Nothing terrible happened, it will hurt and be forgotten.” However, this pain can drag on for several years and become chronic. Those who manage to repress unpleasant experiences may not pay attention to internal discomfort and unhappiness, as they have become accustomed to this as their usual state.
• Regression
  This psychological defense mechanism can induce a person to tantrums - a primitive form of removing responsibility for what is happening. Or vice versa, regressing, a person can literally freeze: emotions, as well as will, appetite, desire to live, disappear. A depressive period may begin.
• Sublimation
  Well known to those who tend to overlook unpleasant experiences. By sublimating, a person can completely go into work or any other activity that helps to forget and not think about the traumatic event.
• Acute reactions, aggression towards others and auto-aggression
  If the tension in the psyche is great, it will look for a way out, for example, in the form of sharp reactions: aggressive attacks, a tough style of communication (for example, at work or driving), angry posts on social networks, frequent sexual contacts that carry a feeling of disappointment, going to alcohol and drugs.​

All these protections work unconsciously, that is, they do not appear at the will and desire of a person, but automatically. The mind may say that drinking is bad, but the suffering can be so unbearable that any method that allows you to slightly increase the pain threshold becomes suitable.

There is another defense that is at the level of consciousness, which can be controlled and used at the right time. This is the so-called psychological compensation, which is expressed in adaptive behavior. For example, in order not to meet with the former, they block him in the phone book, social networks, and avoid meeting. There is also a reverse situation: in order to better navigate what is happening and get the most complete picture, a recent partner is placed in the field of view. Behind this, there may be a desire to clarify everything to the smallest detail and once again make sure that "this is really happening."

Whatever type of protection works, you need to remember that this is a natural reaction of the psyche to severe stress and protections perform an important function - to protect it from destruction. It is important that after the defense phase there is a phase of mourning, when the fact that everything is over is recognized, and you can mourn your pain - all this is a natural process when working through the loss of a relationship with a loved one.

Ben Blennerhassett/Unsplash

How to help yourself

Breaking up a relationship with a loved one is a big burden for the psyche. We don’t just say “heart breaks” or “soul hurts” - the body is actually going through a serious psycho-physiological stress. The cardiovascular system, digestion, hormonal levels, sleep and the ability to rest, the natural rhythm of day and night - all this comes under attack.

During difficult life changes, it is very important to remember that you are in an unusual state for yourself, and, if possible, help yourself. Eat well, get enough sleep, do exercises to relieve stress, eat those foods that give strength and do not burden the body.

In fairness, it must be said that not at all stages of stress it is possible to do anything at all. Sometimes lying flat and staring at the wall is the best thing you can do to help yourself. Take care of yourself whenever possible - take time off from work and order take-out instead of cooking. Try to prepare for yourself the space and time where you can fully surrender to your experiences.

In order for the process of loss to proceed smoothly and end, it is very important to honestly go through all its stages. After the first wave of shock subsides, the stage of aggression begins, interspersed with rationalization - the desire to talk to the partner again and again and thus improve the state of affairs (the so-called bargaining stage). These stages can take different times - each person has an individual course, and, unfortunately, it is impossible to predict the duration.

One of the last stages is depression - not so acute, but a stable condition. It is easy to recognize it by a breakdown, dulled feelings and reactions, inability to enjoy, sleep and appetite disorders. Despite the difficult course, this is a very important period that prepares us for the final resolution of the situation - the stage of acceptance and the end of mourning.

Unfortunately, there are no recipes for how to shorten the most painful stage, but to alleviate the condition, allow yourself to do whatever you want. If you want to leave - try to do it, if you want to lock yourself in the apartment - try to take sick leave. Do not neglect the help of others, but set the limits of what is permitted: tell your family and friends how they can be useful to you and how closely you are ready to communicate now. Ask not to discuss certain topics with you, not to arrange surprises for you to “stir up” and so on. Openly tell them what you need: from domestic to emotional needs. Your sincerity will help set up communication with friends and relatives, who, unfortunately, do not always know how to behave correctly in such situations.

Jorge Flores/Unsplash

What is communication in a relationship and what does parting have to do with it

Broken communication is one of the main reasons that partners move away from each other and cease to adequately assess the state of affairs. To prevent this, pay attention to whether there is a reticence between you and your partner, silence of any feelings or facts, or maybe someone in your couple expects his thoughts to be read, and thus avoids responsibility ? Silence, ignoring, as well as references to social standards and generalizations ("You're a man!" or "A wife should...") destroy trust and intimacy. Features of your unique relationship can be replaced by "life principles" and public opinion about how everything "should be", which prevents you from following a special scenario that is suitable for your couple.

Not only the degree of closeness and honesty to each other (and to oneself), but also the style of conflict resolution depends on properly built communication. Family therapy is built on this idea: by joining it, partners learn safe ways to express their desires, suffering, fears, learn to enter into conflict and resolve it. The therapist, as a referee, observes the dialogue, leads both partners to ensure that they get the result and satisfaction from the interaction.

If you feel that you no longer have the strength to explain what is happening between you, take a few sessions of couples therapy. It will quickly become clear whether it is necessary to continue working on the relationship or whether it is worth ending it. It is important to remember that the therapist does not choose sides and will not support the game of one of the partners to the detriment of the other. The therapist acts as an interpreter between two people who, for some reason, began to speak different languages.

How to avoid a destructive scenario in the future

A favorable psychological climate in a relationship, among other things, depends on how clearly each partner understands his role, namely: for what reason he is in this relationship and why he needs them.

Neurotic or toxic relationships are different in that they are used to reduce the degree of personal neuroses and work out personal problems. If both partners "coincident" in neuroses, the union can be stable and strong. For example, someone for whom it is important to exercise control in relation to the closest person meets someone who gladly accepts this control due to their own childhood traumas.

Another case is when one of the partners does not need to work out the pathological scenario and still meets a less stable person and serves as a constant source of “discharging and recharging” for him. Then the person who serves as a training ground for working out neurosis is likely to want to abandon the relationship that drains him.

Other roles we play in relationships can be learned through transactional analysis. The main idea of ​​this method is that each of us in different life situations takes the position of a "child", "parent" or "adult". Each of these roles has its own characteristics, and by recognizing your patterns of behavior, you can correct attitudes and inadequate expectations from relationships. This is important, since a full-fledged and multifaceted strong union is possible when two "adults" meet who know their needs, boundaries and their weaknesses. Knowing these weaknesses allows you not to provoke situations where they can manifest themselves to the detriment of the couple.

All this sounds complicated enough, but in reality, in order to have a healthy and strong relationship, you do not need to have any knowledge of theoretical psychology at all. To choose the right partner, it is important first of all