You become a hostage of the calendar! You fall into a vicious circle of reading educational books

Personal development is a wonderful thing. Allows you to work on your problems, develop, improve your skills and achieve success. However, personality development also has its dark side. Just as it can bring many benefits, so it can be harmful. What to do in order not to fall into a vicious circle and not become a victim of the recent fashion for personal development?

Everything depends on us and our approach. To make the best use of what personality development brings, one must be aware of the pitfalls it brings.

What are they traps?

You have the impression that you are not good enough!

Personal development allows you to increase self-acceptance, self-confidence and achieve your goals. However, focusing on the constant development and acquisition of new skills, it is easy to fall into a vicious circle. After reading one book, you immediately look for the next one. After completing one class, you are already moving on to the next. However, you do not allow yourself to assimilate the acquired knowledge and implement it in life. You cannot use what you already know. You strive to continually improve yourself. It seems that you are still not good enough, and in order to start working, you still need to work on this or that, or take a few trainings.

Do you feel like you need to hone your skills?

Your process of "improving" yourself can be endless. It doesn't matter what kind of work you do on yourself and how many trainings you take. It will still seem to you that you still need to develop all the time. As long as you focus on what else needs to be corrected in yourself, you will stand still. None of us are perfect and never will be. You don't have to be good at everything. Art is the ability to use knowledge and skills in the moment.

You become a hostage of the calendar!

You start filling your calendar with tasks to complete. Carefully plan your daily duties and try to complete each task from the list. And then suddenly it turns out that if something interferes with the execution of the plan, you feel anger, disappointment and remorse. You won't even notice how you become a prisoner of your calendar.

Of course, a calendar or planner is a great thing. Allows you to save important things. The problem appears when we try to fill it with tasks to the maximum every day. You are trying to make the most of every minute. And you fall into the trap of tasks. Unfortunately, it is very easy to lose balance. Life is not only work, development and career, but also your health, relationships with loved ones and the need for sleep and rest. Without this, it will be difficult to feel truly happy and satisfied.

You find yourself in a vicious circle of reading educational books!

Development books give a lot of advice, thanks to which you can increase your self-confidence, as well as introduce “good” habits into your life. There is no ready recipe for how to live. In reading this kind of books, it is very important to perform physical exercises and practice the acquired knowledge. Only in this way can you change something in your life. In addition, you need a lot of desire and perseverance. And, of course, you also need to act. Without it, nowhere. And you don't have to read every book on the market. Yes, indeed, it is enough to read a few good books, and do all the exercises, if necessary, even several times. Most of the information contained in it is repeated in other books.

Development is very important. Thanks to him, we acquire new skills and experience, we strengthen our self-confidence and achieve the goal. But life itself gives us many opportunities for development and it is worth using them.

Practical psychology, or How to find the key to any person. 1000 tips for all occasions Vitaliy Klimchuk

How not to fall into the relationship trap and what to do if you fall into it?

A few more psychological games. Games are different. What is the game made of? How not to get into someone else's game and stop playing?

Act one

I walk down the street.

Ahead is a deep hole.

I fall into a hole.

Everything is lost!

And it's not my fault.

It is not known if it will be possible to get out of here.

Act two

I walk down the street.

Ahead is a deep hole.

What is a pit to me?

I'm going down again.

It can't be, but I'm in the same hole again.

And again, it's not my fault.

Again, it is not known whether it will be possible to get out of here.

In this chapter, we will delve even further into relationship pitfalls and look at the new psychological games that were first identified by Eric Berne. Triangular relationships can also be traced in them, but their difference is that the roles are more specific, down to the phrases that one of the participants in the game must say. Once in such a game, you are carried away by its current, and it is very, very difficult to resist it. But probably!

The game "Punish me!" It is played by at least two, but there may be more participants. In this case, the main character is one. This is the one who provokes other people. This is the one who, knowing what and how to do, suddenly starts doing everything wrong. And it doesn’t matter if it’s work, hobbies or relationships.

The guy, knowing how his girlfriend loves fresh flowers, suddenly stops giving them on dates. A man, knowing that it is impossible to change and that he does not know how to lie, suddenly forgets about it and starts an intrigue on the side. The husband, remembering how important his attention and care is for his wife, suddenly stops giving them to her. An employee of the company, who knows exactly how the processes are organized in the enterprise, suddenly makes a mistake that jeopardizes the work cycle.

There is also another form of play, not so active. Then there is an accumulation of trifles, nit-picking, troubles, until suddenly someone loses their nerve or something comes to the surface. And then the player is definitely out of luck.

The result of this game is a feeling of humiliation, uselessness, a drop in self-esteem, a decrease in mood and, possibly, depression. Why is this a game? Because it's repetitive. This is not the first such episode in a person's life. And this game is needed, most likely, in order to prove to oneself: “Something is wrong with me” or “Something is wrong with them.” I am not OK or They are not OK.

Naturally, the roots of such a life position are in the past, in experience and in those early decisions that were once made and fixed deep in the mind.

The game "Here you are!" often coexists with the game "Punish me!". In this game, we enter into a relationship, business or personal, with a known “wrong” person. So, a woman may know that her man has a gambling addiction. But she seals an alliance with him and tries to live together for a long time. At some point, when, for example, everything in the house is already lost, she decides and leaves him. She triumphs, she is sure that she is right. And on her way she meets a new man ... who has an alcohol addiction. Etc.

A woman to herself, or maybe out loud, says: “Here, I knew it! All men are fools! “Why does she choose such people?” is the question that really deserves to be asked. Who gave her the message about all men?

Of course, the woman in the example is just an example. Men play this game just as well. This game is akin to a microscope with which we walk and look closely at people. In addition, this microscope has a filter that allows you to see only dark colors: bad deeds, failures, deceit.

How long can you behave adequately if you are constantly being looked at through a microscope?

Game "Yes...but..." has already sounded like a trap that we sometimes resort to in order to devalue our resources or the opponent himself. If the trap becomes a lifestyle, then it is already a game.

In this game, the ringleader directly or indirectly asks for help, while he behaves exactly like the Victim from the Karpman triangle. He does not see a way out of the situation, he puts all his hopes on another person.

The game starts:

“I can’t deal with depression! What should I do?"

"You can see a psychotherapist."

Game continues:

Yes, but it costs money. And I don't have time."

"You can go to a psychiatrist, he will prescribe medication."

"Yeah, but I'm not crazy. And then, they say, you can get used to them.

"If you take it right, then no."

“Yeah, but the side effects are…”

“Not always and not in every preparation. That's why you need a psychiatric consultation."

“Yes, but it costs money, and you need to drink them for six months, right?”

At the end of this game, the host leaves, leaving you confused and helpless. And he himself is outraged that you did not help him, and he is sure that nothing will help him.

Game "Why don't you..."- a mirror of the game "Yes ... but ...". The game requires a couple, so often "helping" people find "needing help" to play. Their difference from real helpers and real people in need of help is that the latter really use help and provide it correctly.

Participants in the game "Why don't you ..." very often give advice left and right and cannot understand why no one uses it. Their dominant feeling at the beginning of the game is superiority, desire to help, self-confidence; after the game - misunderstanding, resentment, depreciation of oneself and the interlocutor.

Game "I just wanted to help" similar to "Why don't you...". The difference is in the degree of activity of the helper and as a result of this help. In this game, those who want to help actively undertake to do something: repair, heal, renew, reform. At the same time, not having the proper qualifications and not knowing all the information, he makes mistakes, sometimes fatal. When they attack him with accusations, he says: “I'm sorry. I just wanted to help…”

Game "I tried so hard"- another game from a series of "helping" games. It lasts much longer, maybe even years and decades. Such a game is a very frequent guest in parent-child relationships. This is what parents say to their child, who seems to be no longer a child, but a hairy man, when he is going to do something in defiance: “I didn’t sleep nights for you! And you!"

The trick of the game is that they are trying to make you responsible for actions that you did not ask for, did not know and did not want. Here and take it - it will be bad and not take it - it also seems not very good.

Criticism game. It is played by people who are not particularly able to do something. They don't have time for this. They are very, very busy. They track down other people's punctures, flaws, mistakes, and savor all this long and loudly. They can criticize anything. Appearance, clothing, speech, deeds, deeds - everything can fall into the field of view of a critic.

Critics like to flock, and then their game can go on for a very long time.

However, sooner or later, retribution comes. Most often in the form of a reaction of the object of criticism, which is not always calm and adequate. Sometimes it is a break in relations, sometimes it is an active attack. Sometimes - an offer to do something yourself. From such a proposal, the critic falls into confusion, but then immediately adopts the game "Yes ... but ...".

The game "If not for you ..." typical for people who do not want to actively change their lives. Why, if there is someone nearby on whom you can push the blame for your passivity and all your misfortunes?

“If not for you, I would have gone to the sea this year!”

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be married to a millionaire by now."

“If not for you, I would be president!”

“If it wasn’t for you, we would have made it!”

The only trouble is that, even if everything suddenly works out, there will not be a single obstacle and the road ahead will be open, he will still stand still and look for someone to whom he can say: “If not for you ...”

Game "Look what I've done because of you!" - a favorite game of those who are not used to being responsible for their mistakes; it is easier for someone to blame another instead of hard and painstaking work on themselves. Most often, a player provokes a partner with clear hints that he himself cannot do anything and he clearly needs help.

Partner, of course, rushes to the rescue. He does it especially quickly if he loves the role of the Rescuer. And of course, little comes of his help. Since the player cannot adequately use the help, he does everything wrong! But now he has someone to blame, and he says: “Look what I did because of you!” From a quiet Victim, he turns into a Persecutor, and a Rescuer quickly moves into the role of a Victim.

I can't attach this picture. Hold the chair...

Let me hold.

Just be careful... be careful... I asked you to be careful! Look what I've done because of you! Now I have a hole in the next bedroom!

Games are different according to the severity of their outcome.

First stage games are the easiest. Players can discuss their results in their circles of trust - among friends and girlfriends, relatives, etc. A husband can complain about his wife to friends over a beer, a wife can discuss with her husband's friends.

Games of the second stage are harder. Players prefer not to talk about them. They are accompanied by very strong and very unpleasant emotions, blows to self-esteem, disappointment in a loved one.

Games of the third stage are the most difficult. They can end in court proceedings, hospitals, physical suffering, even death.

Remember that the severity of the game can increase. Starting with the games of the first stage, you can gradually reach the third. Be careful when playing games.

What is a psychological game? The game formula, owned by Eric Berne, consists of six blocks. Here they are:

Hook + Hook = Reaction - Turn - Confusion - Payback

The hook is the first move the person offering the game makes. These are words, gestures, intonation - everything that hints at the beginning of a gaming relationship. But the hook by itself cannot start the game. It's a decoy, it's a sign for a person who has a lead.

A hook is something that makes us react to the hook. These may be the beliefs “People need to be helped without sparing themselves”, “All people are bad”, etc. This may be life experience, decisions that were made in early childhood, unmet needs.

"Hook + Hold" marks the beginning of the game. Next comes the Response stage.

Responding - certain steps that the playing people take. This is an exchange of phrases, actions. The response may take a few seconds, or it may take years. But there is always a twist.

A turn is the moment when one of the participants finally does something that changes the situation. And confusion sets in.

Confusion is the feeling that grips the participant in the game after the Turn. He does not understand what has happened, but he is confused, he does not know what to say and what to think. And then comes the payback.

Payback is the final game, when each of the participants receives those feelings and thoughts that they subconsciously aspired to. Righteous anger, indignation, fear, shame, guilt. Thoughts? “I, as always, could not help”, “All people are ungrateful”, “I am a bad person”, “He is a bad person ...”

How not to get into someone else's game and stop playing?

As you can see, games are a double-edged sword. For them, the consent of both parties to play is important. Of course, it happens that you are drawn into the game without your knowledge, but this is rare. Most often, the Hook has something to hook you on.

First rule- personal psychotherapy. Or at least an independent analysis of your current life, your past and your life situations. This is easier to do if there is an experienced guide nearby, but you can try it yourself. The challenge is to see your typical games. Then - see the Leads. Then - deal with them so that they stop being so annoying. And then - gradually refuse to swallow the bait.

Second rule- be aware of the possibility of choice. There is always a choice, and you do not have to act according to the same scenario every time. Moreover, if you remember that, in addition to the choice, you also have creativity and a sense of humor, then you will be able to skillfully refuse hooks. Over time, this will become a habit, and you will not even need to focus your attention on it.

You can suddenly change your ego state. We have not mentioned this concept before, now is the time. According to Eric Berne, we have three possible ego states: parent, adult, and child. Parental - evaluating, patronizing, supporting or criticizing. Adult - rational, logical, analyzing, weighing. Children's - having fun, rebellious, joyful or sad, requiring care. Often the hook in the game is thrown into some kind of ego state. And then a great choice is to react from a completely different state.

I just can't handle it! (Hook for the game "Yes ... but ...", the position of the Child, an appeal to the Parent.)

Try to do this... (Option 1: Hook, reaction from the state of the Parent. The game has begun!)

BUT! I can't help it either! (Option 2: Refusal to play, reaction from the state of the Child.)

How would you like me to help you? (Option 3: Refusal to play, reaction from the Adult state.)

Remember, there is always a choice!

Third rule- excess. An overreaction from some unexpected ego state can interrupt the game and keep the Hook from getting hooked. Exaggerated, theatrical reactions can turn on the resources of humor that are so lacking during games. After all, psychological games are the most serious occupation in the world.

Fourth Rule- an invitation to intimacy. All games are built on devaluation and on demanding attention from others, usually negative. Why is that? Because negative attention is still better than no attention at all. Thus, not knowing how to get positive attention (strokes) and being afraid of not getting anything at all, a person strives to get negative attention (pricks and blows). You can suggest breaking the script.

Look, I just realized that I did everything to fight. But really I don't want it. I want to see your smile!

Remember, you cannot change a person, make him stop playing, but you can offer something different, and maybe at some point he will respond.

Act three

I walk down the street.

Ahead is a deep hole.

I can see her very well.

I'm flying down. You could say it's business as usual...

You see everything as if from the side.

It's clear where I am.

Himself to blame.

But getting out of here is not the first time.

act four

I walk down the street.

Ahead is a deep hole.

Yes, I'll just skip it.

act five

I'm walking down another street.

Portia Nelson. Autobiography in five short acts

What to do if you get a call Keep up a pleasant conversation. Don't ask questions that may be difficult to answer, and don't make demands that you've already made a list of. Feel free to ask where a person lives, how he earns a living