How to understand what is better to get a divorce. How to make the right decision for yourself - divorce or save the relationship

The whole palette of mixed feelings comes in the soul former lovers when you need to decide on a divorce. Divorce in a family is an unpleasant action: tears, pain, resentment for unjustified hopes, attempts to save and return everything to its former course.

Which often leads to divorce, often comes due to unjustified hopes and unfulfilled desires. Let's say a wife wants a divorce because she got married hoping to become a "mistress of the sea", but in reality she turned out to be the commander of pots and pans.

And here begins the search for the one or the one who will finally give a fairy tale. It’s like going to the supermarket, we don’t buy expired sausage when there is a fresh and appetizing one nearby.

Love or affection?

Most divorce stories begin with that same attachment. Spiritual practices say that only he is able to save love and family, who can curb feelings and at the same time live in harmony with himself. Such a person does not need an incentive from the outside, he is looking for the good in what he has. Particularly in myself.

And how can we understand where the high and bright feeling is love, and where is affection and whim? The beginning of a divorce comes precisely from the confusion between concepts.

Attachment is a false and “harmful” feeling. It makes a person angry, wanting what is impossible. The desire to possess someone blows everything in its path like a tsunami. Attachment is insidious and deceitful, there is no sincerity in it.

Love, on the contrary, is pure and open; it does not accept conditions. And if they are, it is no longer love at all. To a loving person It's natural to be afraid of divorce. But at the same time, according to the principle of self-giving, the one who sincerely loves will let go and forgive, wishing happiness.

Of course, in our time, those gentlemen who were ready to give their lives for their lady of the heart have long since sunk into oblivion, and women served their husbands, following them everywhere. People are not looking for love, they are looking for affection. It gives a feeling of love and flight, but only for a while. People change partners, but they do not change their lives, they do not seek emotional attachment, and often they are completely afraid of it.

Let's say pathetically, but for sure: only love can overcome spiritual death. It gives us the strength to become better, more devoted, more humane or something. A woman more often than a man does not agree to a divorce, and sometimes she goes too far in this desire: a manic begins, which only aggravates the situation. Jealous people turn their soul mate into a thing, they want to possess it at all costs. What kind of love is this!?

Life before divorce

Relationships that are on the verge of divorce become a heavy burden on the shoulders of both spouses. If only a psychologist or a clairvoyant were sitting in the next room, who would unmistakably give advice and arrange destinies. But no. most fateful and complex decisions we have to accept ourselves.

The initiative for divorce can come from anyone. And everyone will have their own reasons: a wife - a divorce, a husband does not provide for the family - a divorce. And so it is possible to enumerate ad infinitum. Life in such a family acquires the character of eternal expectation. Or maybe you should sit down and discuss everything before a divorce? Maybe he won't need it.

There are a few good advice, which will help you look arcs at a friend with different eyes.

1. Throw away the TV. Advice for many will seem blasphemous, of course. For starters, just stop spending the whole evening in front of a blue screen. People stop talking to each other because they don't have time to do it - they need to watch another talk show in which they pull out all the dirty laundry and shake it in front of the audience. As a result, all your communication, at best, will be reduced to notes on the refrigerator, and there it’s not far from ruin.
2. The same applies to the Internet. As the cartoon says, "put your gadgets aside, get off your computers." Just make time for each other. Successful communication is key strong family, all troubles from reticence.
3. The hut is not red in the corners, but red in the pies. Conversations on an empty stomach are unattractive. Set the table, invite all your household members to it and talk about everything in the world.
4. Listen to the elders. They definitely won’t advise you bad, but they can save the family. Unfortunately, not everyone can boast of having such an experienced senior in their environment. But even an old neighbor can give you a good lesson.
5. Stop putting pressure on your other half. Remember that you are on the path of love, not attachment. Love does not tolerate slavery.
6. When you feel like you're at a dead end, find a way to separate and live separately from each other. Distance can work wonders.

If the decision to divorce is inevitable

There are situations when it seems that everything has been tried, but there is still no happiness. You can often hear from people: “I want a divorce, period!” What to do in such a situation?

The main thing here is not to rush. Imagine a situation where the husband was against the divorce from the very beginning, the wife insisted - they got divorced, poured a bucket of dirt on each other, divided the property with the flight of pans and the beating of dishes. And six months later, they again healed happily together. Therefore, never say "EVERYTHING!" if you are not sure about it. Time will tell.

Important!

• Not worth it after receiving a seal about free life immediately go back to the registry office with a new object of adoration. This is not the time to build new family. Nothing good will come of it. Give yourself time.
• Do not look for the guilty - both are to blame. Do not swear, but try to remain friends, especially when kids grow up in the family.
• Do not listen to anyone: if there is even a small hope, try to save your family.

Of course, divorce for a man and for a woman is a new step in life. She will lead someone to a brighter future, and leave someone alone for a long time alone with herself and with her own thoughts. Sometimes it is divorce that helps to find a soul. Develop spiritually. Take care of the arrangement of your house or apartment, remember your favorite ones. You will see that very soon a new happiness will knock on it or the old one will return.

Man has not always been interested in the psychology of divorce. A hundred years ago, they were almost non-existent. Condemnation by the church and people stopped most steam. But times are changing. People - young and not very, and sometimes at a fairly serious age, are increasingly finding themselves in this difficult situation.

Moreover, many find themselves on the verge of divorce unexpectedly, and this “thunder among clear sky” completely knocks the ground out from under his feet. And someone is rushing about, not understanding what to do to save the family. Is it really necessary? If so, how to stay together with the person you loved more life so many years? But someone soberly judged that the relationship has become obsolete and it is necessary to put a logical end to them, but ... how?

In some families, it became unbearable to pull the "anchor" of the cohabitation of two obviously strangers. Of course, it is difficult for most people to accept the very fact of divorce - but one of the spouses has already made a decision ... For example, because the birth of a child is expected “on the side” and ... it is not clear what the second spouse should do with all this ...

Some spouses intend to divorce with the least possible expense of emotions, including for the sake of their own children. And in an attempt to at least slightly ease the severity of suffering - after all, someone is really afraid to be alone - we ask psychologists about divorce.

Psychologists themselves talk about divorce in a very veiled way, and, in principle, this pragmatism is justified: how can you take responsibility for making such serious decisions for someone?! Life is given once, and to be exactly sure of the advice to another - you know ... it's not always correct!

Divorce in psychology will always, more often schematically, be tied to general concept what exactly a particular psychologist, to whom you will get an appointment, will understand the word "divorce". And it is certainly his (or her) experience that will certainly affect the recommendations that you receive.

And if you turn to those who have divorced for help, then those who have lived (for a long time, whether recently) this cruel test of feelings with resentment, anger and envy, betrayal, meanness and deceit, the suffering of children, most likely will give you all the same personal advice . Where is the guarantee of error-free such help?! The psychology of divorce - will it work if it is given through someone else's perception of the world, and is this not the tragedy of such advice, even if the person really sympathizes with you and really would like to help.

In fact, all the problems of all divorcing people come down to a misunderstanding of each other. To infliction of insults (due to these misunderstandings) - voluntary and involuntary, the accumulation of many years of claims, expressed and unspoken, repeated and heard many times (or not), scandals and clarifications ...

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan accurately distinguishes the internal mental properties of a person. The fact is that according to the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, each of us is given by nature internal desires and they differ depending on the vectors, of which there are eight in total. Each vector implies that its owner has a certain set of internal mental properties. That is, we are all different, and therefore we do not understand each other. No way.

Several sketches of such recognizable "psychotypes" by vectors

There are people for whom divorce is super stressful, and they would rather suffer all their lives not just in dislike, but even in hatred for their partner. Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology calls such people the owners of the anal vector. Whatever arguments and arguments you bring to them, their stubbornness (stubbornness), complete lack of logic and intolerant attitude towards the collapse of the family, in principle, will not allow them to take a step towards change, even if divorce in their case will be a saving step. This is beyond their strength.

To overcome the obsessive stubborn desire of such a person to “start with clean slate A clearly failed marriage is impossible. Clinging to the past, memories - that's what such a partner lives for. No way will he voluntarily agree to a divorce. You can cope with such a situation without unnecessary losses, make the right decision about whether to part with such a person or save the marriage if you understand more deeply what drives him, what his desires and mental properties really are.

Interestingly, just such a person is the best partner for marriage, provided that his mental properties are sufficiently developed and realized. " best husband and father”, “behind him like a stone wall”, “ perfect wife and mother" - all this is said specifically about the representatives of the anal vector.

And someone else will put marital status to such an insignificant place, while glorifying "love", that, having prevented him from "living next to his beloved", you will encounter tantrums, and possibly even a suicide attempt. This is how representatives of the visual vector can behave. Their tantrums, emotional blackmail are common steps in overstress. If such conditions are recognized in time, it will help to avoid a suicide attempt and make it possible to agree in the end.

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains why, after about three years, there is a cooling of feelings in a couple. Everything that previously caused joy and tenderness begins to annoy and forces you to admit to yourself that you have chosen the wrong one (the wrong one). How so?! After all, it was LOVE! There was such a drive! But after three years, this natural attraction disappears. And if emotional connection absent, we become unbearably bored together. Yes, it is possible to have time to create a strong emotional and spiritual connection, thanks to which we will be “together to the grave”, but more on this in the classes on Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.

And we're back to divorce. There are still people with a skin vector who do everything in life very pragmatically. They know how to make money and they, together with the status, are put at the forefront. Such people protect their interests by law, it is they who conclude marriage contracts, where they try to foresee all the pitfalls, if possible. And what to do if you want to stay married to such a person?!

You love exactly him. You have children and many plans for the future. At the same time, his frugality, pragmatism and round the clock work! Yes, he does not walk on the side, he honestly earns money and brings everything into the house, but ... why your partner behaves this way, you will already hear at a free training in Systemic Vector Psychology. What drives such a person from within? What does he really want?! What exactly did he mean when he said such and such? Why does he behave like this in sex?!

All our mental differences are easily understood and determined by people who have mastered systemic thinking in the classes on system-vector psychology. And most importantly: finally, one understands one's own inner aspirations and meanings that move our life with you “from birth to shroud”.

These discoveries of YOURSELF surprise and amaze. Sometimes they are shocking, but at the same time they give the main thing: an understanding of the mental structure in every person. Determining the mental properties of the people around you, you will easily understand exactly how it is necessary to act in this or that unfavorable situation.

Difficulties with making the best decision, including the decision to divorce or continue life together, will not. Understanding yourself and your partner (and we always choose a partner with mental properties different from ours - such is Nature!), you will analyze your situation and understand where, when and what kind of mistakes you made.

It may well turn out that it is possible to “glue” a broken vessel without cracks. With a deeper understanding of yourself, you will be able to easily change, if necessary, habitual behavior. Feedback from people after classes in system-vector psychology shows how CONSCIOUSLY they make decisions. And they definitely never regret what they have done: http://www.yburlan.ru/results/all/otnoshenija-i-ljubov

For some, after lectures on system-vector psychology, it becomes clear how ridiculous and mediocre they lived (married or not) side by side with the wrong person. Years without meaning, without the fullness of the feeling of joy from life around. How sadly the days dragged on ... and this is instead of quite possible happiness. Anxious states of despondency, the meaninglessness of existence, even many psychosomatic diseases go away.

Awareness from the INSIDE of yourself and your partner (spouse) is a good baggage for your future life, even if you decide to divorce, because life does not end with a divorce. The difference in mental properties that you have mastered by vectors will become the key to the correct further choice in life ... You will finally be able to follow the path set by nature. And this life will radically differ from the past, in which we were more like blind kittens.

You can register for free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan at the link: http://www.yburlan.ru/training/

The article was written using the materials of trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan

Any married couple, sooner or later, faces difficulties that can lead to the destruction of relationships. The fading of past passion, the disappearance of love leads to frequent quarrels between spouses.

How to understand that it is time to get a divorce and there is no way to reanimate marital relations? Today we will try to deal with this.

The main reasons why couples break up most often can be behavioral and material in nature. Behavioral factors presented:

• constant conflict resolution through quarrels and scandals;
• refusal to provide for the family and conduct a common household on the male side;
• unjustified separation;
• detection of treason, betrayal, lies;
• alcohol and drug addiction one of the partners;
• theft and other illegal activities.

Financial reasons also play an important role. Leading psychologists argue that in conditions of poverty, impatience develops between spouses in relation to each other. In this regard, poverty is considered one of the strongest tests of marital relations for strength.

When mentioning the material reasons for divorce, we are most often talking about poverty, lack of the most necessary, debt obligations of one of the spouses, disability and problems with living space.

should not be discarded and psychological reasons breakups that are not so easy to get rid of. They are represented by loss of love, irritation, mistrust and jealousy, distinctive views on life and the future, sexual incompatibility.

Of course, divorce should be resorted to only in the most extreme situations, when it is impossible to restore the old relationship. But how to determine that you are in such a situation and divorce is the only right decision?

The fact that it's time to think about parting may indicate:

1. Cheating by a husband or wife. The reasons for betrayal can be very diverse, but they do not negate the fact that an unpleasant situation has nevertheless occurred. Change entails violation family harmony and is an excellent basis for constant distrust of a partner. The hardships associated with the realization and forgiveness of a partner's betrayal most often lead to the decision to divorce.
2. Increased irritability. Each person has a set of certain habits that, at the stage of the candy-bouquet period, may seem harmless and even cute. In practice, leading psychologists often encounter complaints from spouses about each other's habits, which confirms the fact that irritation grows over time. If you are unable to cope with each other's harmless everyday habits, then it's time to think about serious changes, because regular stay in an irritable state is fraught with a deterioration in well-being in general.
3. Saving a marriage solely for the sake of children. Divorce of parents is a serious psychological trauma for a child, but a regular stay of a child in a family that lacks love, mutual understanding and respect can be much more dangerous. In this case, you doom not only yourself, but also the growing child to suffering.

1. Problems of an intimate nature. Spouses cooled down to each other, sexual relations happen less and less and at the same time do not deliver the former pleasure. Such changes in the intimate sphere in most cases lead to betrayal and subsequent rupture.
2. There is violence in the family. Many women are familiar with such problems firsthand, but only a small part of them decide to divorce a man who regularly raises his hands. The fact is that many representatives of the weaker sex sincerely believe that a man can change over time, but this is one of the biggest misconceptions. If a man once used force against a woman, this will be repeated and the only solution is divorce.
3. Detachment of one of the spouses from active participation in the decision domestic problems and work on relationships. If there is a one-sided game in a married couple, in which one person invests everything in arranging the family hearth and maintaining relationships at the proper level, while the second does not make any efforts, this situation will not last long. Psychologists recommend from the very beginning to clearly divide responsibilities between spouses, in which each should not only fulfill certain duties, but also receive proper rest and time for implementation. own desires and aspirations.

If the result of stress in family relationships life's difficulties have become, for a start, remember the oath that you gave to each other, tying the knot.

Married life is not always exclusive joyful moments, but also difficulties, so the preservation of marriage requires regular work on relationships and the return of each of the spouses.