How to make love on Skype. Why do they ask for Skype if they don’t want further communication? But online dating can also cause very real troubles.
Everyone comes to a dating site with their own specific goals.
Some people want to find a permanent life partner, some are looking for a mistress for regular meetings, and for others, a one-time affair for one evening is enough. Communication on such resources flows easily and naturally, from the first greeting to setting up a meeting in real life.
But it is not always possible to quickly and easily establish contact with a new interlocutor. Very often, girls suddenly “go cold turkey” and refuse to meet, hinting at the futility of dating, but at the same time offering to exchange contacts on Skype and chat there.
Less often, the same offer comes from guys, but it is no less unexpected for the fair sex: Why do they ask for Skype if they don’t want further communication?? Various unpleasant thoughts begin to creep into your head, the main one of which is that in front of you is a scammer who needs something!
It’s no wonder that such a request alarms almost everyone. After all, we think, why do we need third-party programs and services when there is a convenient portal with a bunch of various functions?! But not everything is so simple...
Don't be afraid.
Despite all the horror stories about all sorts of scammers who, alas, still exist on services for finding love and relationships, the request to exchange Skype contacts is the most harmless. She can pose any threat to you only when this is done for the purpose of exchanging various piquant messages, photos and video sessions. Simply put, if they ask you for Skype so they can “fool around” naked – this is an obvious “set-up”, because then your interlocutor will have the opportunity to blackmail you with incriminating evidence. Whether he has such goals or not - it’s better not to check from your own experience!
Leave all obscenities for regular partners, and if you really feel like it, do everything possible to hide your identity: wear a mask or don’t show your face to the camera. But it’s better not to do this at all, we repeat.
In all other cases, the request for Skype contact information is more than harmless and can be caused by one main reason– they want to see you live without a real meeting.
Reality check.
No matter what methods web developers come up with to confirm the reality of an individual, a member of a dating site can still present himself as someone who he really is not. The student can play a role successful businessman, a mature and lonely housewife will easily appear in the image socialite or a gentle beauty, and an unemployed alcoholic will pretend to be a decent, wealthy and lonely man. Add to this the opportunity to post other people's photos and the prospect of communicating with strangers is not so joyful...
In order to protect themselves from unpleasant encounters in reality and to exclude such an unexpected and unpleasant development of events, many users offer to communicate via video conference, and more than once. In live communication via video, it becomes possible to get to know the interlocutor better, look at him and draw conclusions whether he corresponds to what he indicated in the questionnaire and said in correspondence.
Why chat on Skype for so long?
Why is one call not enough? Everything is very simple - you can schedule one call, ringing, for example, from work or while in the park with a mobile gadget. A student who calls himself the director of a large company can calmly sit in the chair of, say, his friend or relative and contact the beauty he likes from the portal where they established mutual contact. It is very difficult to create such a scene every day.
That is why daily communication for 1-2 weeks will reduce the risk of deception, because a married man deceiving girls on love services about his real marital status, will not be able to safely communicate via video with a stranger if his wife is wandering around the house!
If a person refuses to communicate via Skype, citing technical or other problems, this is a reason to be wary. A simple webcam with a microphone costs a penny, and is now built into every laptop or phone, and high speed internet available even in the provinces. Any other reasons are unlikely to be convincing; a person simply has something to hide when communicating directly via video chat.
Unfortunately, this form of dialogue is not suitable for those who are used to communicating on a dating site using the “Hello-dialogue-meeting” scheme. Conversations via video are required by those who are committed to a serious and long-term relationship, and therefore many guys (and married men;) often leave the distance immediately after the first request for any other contacts. This should not be taken as mistrust or a serious failure - the couple simply had different priorities and goals for conversations!
Unfortunately, I found your site only recently, almost at the same time as the end of my sad love story.
When creating a profile on a dating site and hoping to meet foreigners, I should first have read on the Internet that there are deceivers, but then I was naive, despite my 36 years, and gullible. And, of course, I didn’t even think that I would fall for the bait of an ordinary virtual sex lover. Here's my story.
At the end of April this year, my Russian, now ex-husband and I decided that there was no longer any point in continuing our relationship, and I myself suggested creating profiles for us on the mail.ru website and looking for partners for meetings and possible marriage. By the way, I also met my husband on this site a little over 5 years ago, and our story could also serve as a lesson for girls who really want to get married, but don’t think about the consequences, but that’s not what my story is about.
So, the profile has been created, exciting anticipation, and a hail of messages from men, but so far only from mine hometown. Almost a month has passed. If I liked potential suitors, I immediately warned that I was still married and could not meet due to the presence of two very small children, rightly believing that if a man was interested in me, he would wait for the meeting, even if many months passed.
Acquaintance
In May, after almost a month of being stuck online, when I was online, I received a message from young man. Judging by the profile, he was 29 years old, lived in Italy, and his name was very similar to Russian.
The greeting was written in Russian, and I asked if he was Russian, although his fiery appearance betrayed him from southern countries. Long tar-colored hair tied back in a ponytail, a black mustache and beard, and black passionate eyes. He replied that he was using Google Translate, and we began to correspond.
I don’t remember what we talked about that day, but I still asked him why he needed a woman who was almost 7 years older than him and had two children. He replied that this is not important to him, but what is important is to find true love. I also asked why Italian women didn’t suit him, to which I received the answer that he didn’t like brunettes and dark-skinned women. I myself am fair-haired and blue-eyed.
He constantly called me princess, but it was late in the evening, and I said that it was time for me to put the children to bed, and it was time to go to bed myself. He wished me good night princesses. I was flattered by this because I had been called many different things, but never a princess before.
The days flowed by as usual, I was on the site, corresponding with men from my city and often saw that my new Italian friend was online. I never wrote to him first, and for some reason he didn’t write to me anymore, so after a few days of his silence, I deleted him from my contact list and forgot to think about him.
Continuation
A month and a half passed, he remembered me again and wrote a short word"Hello". Even then, apparently, my intuition wanted to keep me from answering, but curiosity and the fact that in this moment Of all my respondents, he was the only one who was online. In general, I decided to kill time in correspondence with him. I answered something like, “Hi, Kostya! What, you still can’t find a girl?” He replied: “I’m waiting for you.”
That's how we continued. Word for word, I asked why he hadn’t written to me for almost two months, he replied that he was on a business trip in Milan. He immediately asked if I had Skype. I gave him the information, he immediately asked to be added to the contact list, and our correspondence became more lively.
I didn’t want to show myself to him in my cell, but he was very persistent, writing that if he saw me, he would probably take me to Italy with him and other nonsense. He wrote that you want to torture me and that he is a slave for me. He wrote all this in Russian with the help of a translator, so his writing looked something like MY BAZAAR WENT. This didn’t bother me, because I understood that these were translation difficulties.
On Skype
As a result, after two days of his persuasion, I decided that it was time to show up. I cleaned myself up a little, touched up my face a little and allowed him to call, after turning on the camera and making sure that I looked good. It was morning for us, it was night for him. And then the call comes, I answer and see him.
Oh God, when low light his monitor, at night he seemed to me, if not a freak, then at least far from being the kind of man I could fall in love with. All my feelings were reflected on my face, but fortunately, he immediately wrote that he did not see me! I hung up and asked him to call back. I saw his face again. And then he saw me. His first words were that I believe it, and that he was in shock. When I asked why, he replied that he didn’t think I was that beautiful.
Well, off we go, I showed him the children, and we started texting, looking at each other, not hearing his voice, because he said that he didn’t have a microphone or headphones yet. I repeat, at first I didn’t like him at all, but we talked for almost 4 hours, and after we said goodbye, I realized that I was lost! He asked me to go out with him to talk in the evening, when we had 23 hours, and all day until that time I could neither eat nor drink, in general it was love.
I should have been wary that very evening, and now you will understand why. But firstly, I was already in love, and secondly, I was a truly inexperienced person. After all, this was the first experience of communicating on Skype with a man; before that, I only communicated with family and friends.
In general, we talked and talked until I realized that he was masturbating, I somehow guessed it. Our conversation was mainly about how beautiful I am, and how he wants to be with me, and that I have sexy eyes, etc. He was already making plans for our common future. I decided to find out what he was doing and carefully inquired where his hands were. He replied that I understood correctly and that he was turned on only by my sexy look and could not cope with his feelings.
And our days flowed by. Mornings and evenings we talked on Skype, and his sexual desires became more persistent. At first he asked me to just caress my breasts without exposing them, then later he asked me to show my breasts.
A week later he said that he already loved me and that he told all his friends about me. His friends made fun of him, but in the end they all accepted it and wished him luck. I admitted that I loved him too, and on my part it was the pure truth.
I’ll backtrack a little, but not to justify myself, but just for clarification. My husband is a very reserved person intimate relationships didn't lie down. It was this rotten fuss that he called sex that prompted me to take the decisive step of getting a divorce. Therefore, you will all understand how desperately I fell in love with such a passionate Italian macho, not stingy with his words and actions!
In general, we had this most notorious virtual sex almost every evening, but how it was! Seeing his huge, black eyes, burning with passion, devouring every centimeter of my body, I went crazy.
We talked with him for more than a month and a half, and during this time he told everything, or almost everything, about himself. His mother is Turkish and his father is Italian and they died in a fire several years ago. That he has younger sister and an older brother who live in Istanbul, and he himself lives in Rome and sells Lamborghini cars. Wrote me yours full name, and on his laptop there are two alphabets (Latin and Turkish), and the name was written in Turkish!
He gave me his mobile phone, but they never called or texted me. A little later, I thought of looking at the initial digits of his phone in the international codes, and it turned out that the number was not Italian (39), but Turkish (90)! When I asked him about this, he made an excuse, saying that his phone was Vodafone, and since there is no Vodafone support in Russia, our connection was only one-way. I could write him SMS and call him. However, he never answered the call, but hung up and always went on Skype if he was at home. And he couldn’t write to me, because supposedly his messages weren’t sent, and it was also impossible to call.
We discussed the smallest details of our future, right down to our sexual preferences. I told him that I would never accept certain types of sex, he initially agreed, but as time passed he said that it was with me that he wanted this. I loved him and said that everything could and was possible in the future.
He said that he wanted to make a child with me. It was he who insisted on my speedy divorce with my husband, assuring me that he would come and marry me. All this was flavored with stunning declarations of love. He called me “perfect woman”, “my wife”, “my geisha”, “my princess”. I carefully hinted that after two children everything was no longer as amazing as young girls, he replied that my body was not important to him, but only my hotness was important! He talked about hiring a nanny for my children so that he could have sex with me more often, that he would buy his son a dog and much more. He said that he wanted to lie next to me and touch my face all night. That he will never leave me.
His English was terrible, his grammar was bad, but I adjusted to his speech and tried to speak like him, so that it would be clearer to him. Although lexicon his is better than mine. He never used the verb Do not, his speech sounded something like this: I don’t love, I don’t left you. He confused the past tense with the present tense and never spoke in the future tense (will), but I understood him. In the end, this is not the main thing, but the main thing was that, as I believed, he loved me madly, just as I loved him.
I swam with happiness and believed every word. The height of his cynicism, dishonesty and unprincipledness was (as I later understood) that he once asked me in a conversation what kind of money I live on if my husband doesn’t give me a penny. I modestly looked away and said: “Don’t ask, this is a sore point for me.” He immediately said: “WE SHOULD GET MARRIED QUICKLY!” Well, how can you not believe and love such a man!
Cooling
And then he disappeared for ten days. I was going crazy, texting, and he showed up, explaining his absence as a trip to Milan. I believed every word. Then he disappeared again and appeared a month later. He assured me that he loved me and worked for me so that he could come, marry me and leave me a lot of money until I came to him as a wife.
Quite often, already doubting his love, I asked him both in a live conversation and in SMS to let me go if he didn’t love me. After all, he knew that I was a faithful woman and would wait for him, tormented in ignorance if he decided to leave me. But no! He always assured me that I was crazy, and that he loved me and would come!
At the end of September we talked again, but this time so rarely, and he disappeared again.
More than a month passed, and I was already going crazy and decided to get it checked. I created a new Skype with different data and a photo of my friend, found him in the search in the evening and added his contact. And what do I see, my dear, online.
I’ll say right away that his status ALWAYS lights up RED on Skype! As he explained to me, this is because he does not like Skype sound. This was back on the first day we met on Skype. But then I already suspected that this was so that he would not be bothered by the numerous girls on his contact list.
And further. Once I added a friend, and in the evening he presented this to me, reproaching me for adding a man. I said that this was a childhood friend and that he should not worry. He replied that I was beautiful and he was very afraid of losing me. As it turned out, he always checked how many contacts I had. And if I added more, he almost created a scandal. Once I asked him to open his list in the settings and show how many contacts he had. He didn’t agree for a long time, but eventually he opened it, and I saw that there were 306 people there! He explained that these were friends. He said that there are girls too, but he hasn’t talked to them since he met me. When I asked him to remove them, he laughed it off. How blind I was then!
Examination
So I added a new nickname to him, and he fell for it. As I immediately guessed, he blocked my real contact so that I wouldn’t see that he was online. I started a neutral conversation, like hello, I'm Anna. He asked why I added it. She replied that I was looking for friends and possible relationship, and that I like Italians. He seemed to believe it.
I began to carefully ask if he had a girlfriend. And he said that yes, she is from London, she is 28 (I am 36), and that her name is Julia! (of course, this is not my name!) Lord, how it hurt me! I immediately wrote that I wanted to tell him something and wrote the following:
I want to tell you the story of a girl.
She was inexperienced and honest and she fell in love with a guy. This guy forced her to divorce her husband because he had assured her that she very much loves and marries her.
She divorced, and several months of hovering in the sky with happiness, because she believed that her Mon Roi comes to her and marries her. But he disappeared and she honestly He said that sometimes he needs to go to another city to earn money for their wedding.
She believed and waited. But he disappeared and she honestly was waiting for him more than a month, but she knew to check it and it turned out that she believed him in vain, turns out he just used it!
You are a moral monster, and bastard!
God be your judge! Because of you I broke my life with my husband and now I don’t know how to live. Every action generates a reaction and you"ll get your punishment in your life!
Do it at last at least one noble deed, if you even can do it - Delete all my photos from your computer, because I do not want to be fun for a man who does not love me!!!
As soon as he read this, he immediately disconnected from the network. Out of grief, I ran to the store for a cocktail and cigarettes, although I don’t smoke, got drunk, cried, I felt bad and went to bed, although it’s hard to call it sleep. I tried all night to forgive him, in the morning I deleted him from Skype and suffered all day.
In the evening I couldn’t stand it and wrote an SMS with the following content: “You tore my heart into pieces! For what? For my sincere love for you? And yet, despite everything, I continue to love you! If you want, then add me to Skype again and let's talk."
I immediately went and added it. And what? And the fact that he was already online with his unchanged red status! He immediately began to accuse me: “You deleted me! I work for you, but you didn’t wait and deleted me! I write that I was angry, you said that you found another woman!” If he is an actor, then we must give him his due; his surprise was of such a natural nature that Stanislavsky himself would have said: “I believe it!”
In general, we began to find out, and he said that he had only returned from Milan this morning, saying: “How could I write this to you yesterday if I only arrived in the morning?” I asked where his computer was yesterday. He replied that he would never take him to Milan! And it was probably him who wrote this ex-girlfriend(here’s another moment that I forgot to describe above), who lives at his house because she has nowhere to live yet. By the way, throughout our virtual romance, I really knew about this, and she even entered his room to ask him about something, many times during the entire time of our communication.
That evening he convinced me that he loved me and it was not he who wrote about the girl Julia from London, and of course I believed him! How not to believe if loving and honest eyes are looking at you. That evening, despite the fact that trust in him had been undermined, I allowed myself to have virtual sex with him again. At the end, when we said goodbye with assurances of passionate love, I made him promise that he would go on Skype tomorrow and all the following days, we discussed with him again what documents he needed to do in order to get married in Russia and said goodbye. As you already guessed, the next day he didn’t appear on Skype, he wasn’t on the site for a long time either, his profile was removed from the search a long time ago. But perhaps he will create another one. By the way, at that time we discussed his possible move to Turkey and he asked me if I would live in Turkey, I, of course, agreed, because I was going to marry a man, not a country. So I wouldn’t be surprised that his other profile may appear on the site, where it will no longer be Italy, Rome, but Turkey, Istanbul.
Second check
Several days passed, and I again wondered if he was fooling me. I searched his Skype nickname through Google, and it gave me a page with some site where the Chinese graze. In the comments to one profile with a photo of a pretty Chinese woman there was a caption with his photo, like you are very nice, here is my Skype, I’m waiting for you baby on Skype! Dated 5-6 months ago. That is, even before our meeting with him.
I saved the photo of the Chinese woman, created another Skype with her details and added it again. And lo and behold, the next day in the evening he went online! I immediately rushed to my place, and didn’t see him online - of course, if he blocked me!
He fell for it again and seemed to even recognize “me.” I asked him to appear in the cell for a minute, but he refused, citing the fact that I was a child. Let me ask, are you married? He said no. I asked if he had a girlfriend, he answered: yes! It was clear that it was unpleasant for him to communicate, and he did not know how to get rid of me. I asked who she was. Perhaps he suspected it was me. His answer was that he was Russian and said my name. After talking a little, we said goodbye
And I began to analyze this conversation. If he loves me, then he suspected something and decided to say my name. But why then would he hide on Skype, blocking me? Of course I was in pain, I didn’t understand anything and couldn’t explain it all.
Yesterday I went on Skype again under the guise of a Chinese woman and again found him online, asked him: “Are you talking to your girlfriend now?”, he replied: “No, she’s not online right now.” Like a fool, I ran to my Skype and, of course, didn’t see him online!
And then I realized that everything had collapsed! They didn't care about my soul! I finally realized that loving person would never act like that and that my dreams are shattered.
Chance
I decided to give myself one last chance and wrote him an SMS, pretending to be a fool: “Baby, I see you on Skype, but you don’t answer, is Skype broken again?”
The thing is that sometimes during the chat we didn’t send messages, and he said that Skype was buggy, so I decided that maybe he wouldn’t suspect anything. Almost half an hour passed after the message, but he did not appear on Skype, although he was online in Chinese. I decided that enough humiliation was enough and sent him a message in Italian: “Forget me! And please delete all my photos from the computer, because I don’t want to serve as entertainment for a man who doesn’t love me.”
This is the end of my sad story. To say that it hurts me means to say nothing. It’s a shame and it hurts, but if he did this to me, then I’m probably not the only woman on his huge list (remember, I wrote how many contacts he has on Skype?) with broken dreams and trampled love.
Girls, if you meet such a macho man, run away! He has the talent to make girls fall in love with him, who are just fun for him. He takes advantage of us and basks in our sincere love!
Galina
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Is love possible at a distance? Can you trust virtual love, and what to do if you fall in love with a person on the Skype screen using the example of a letter from Ali.
"Good evening! My beloved and I have been in a long-distance relationship for more than 3.5 years. Separate different countries and economic crises in both countries. I am from Ukraine, he is from Greece. He proposed to me right away. At first I couldn’t, I didn’t want to quit studying. Moreover, he could not find a job. 3 years have passed, I graduated from university, but he still hasn’t found a job in his specialty, which is why we can’t start a family. He is a musician, he devoted his whole life to music, and neither he nor I want him to give up the violin and work outside his specialty. We see each other very rarely. We love each other very much and want to be together. But it just doesn’t work. Sometimes he complains that he doesn’t feel respected or inspired by me. Of course, I’m not pleased with this, because... I really respect and support him. But since he doesn’t feel it, it means I’m doing something wrong. Please tell me what the problem might be, and how to show respect to your loved one when we have a “Skype” relationship?”
I really don’t want to upset you, and yet I can’t lie - forgive me if it hurts.
Relationships between a man and a woman are formed when they meet, talk, see each other in different settings, which allows them to get a REAL idea about each other.
Communication on Skype is an illusion, a very big one, and I would really like you not to fall into it, because any illusion is destroyed sooner or later. A person can create any image via Skype; it is especially easy for a man to do this, since women are very trusting by nature. Very often we ourselves come up with the image of a man, fall in love with him and convince ourselves that there is love on his part too.
This is very dangerous for a woman because:
- while she is fascinated by her own thoughts about a person who does not exist in reality, whom she invented herself, her time passes;
- giving your heart fictional character, she may not notice the real person who could make up her real happiness;
— the collapse of illusions is inevitable and very painful; after an illusory relationship, it is very difficult for a woman to come to her senses again in order to start a new relationship.
Perhaps this is not your case, and it would be very cool if the kind of love you write about really existed between you, but love is not a feeling, it is not passion, it is not sighs and sighs and tender messages, although all this is also needed. Love is ACTION.
- This is the willingness to sacrifice something for the sake of a loved one.
- This is the willingness on the part of a man to take responsibility for future family. Are you not alarmed by the fact that in three years your loved one has not been able to find a job? You can find a million excuses why this didn’t happen, but you can’t start a family on excuses? How do you imagine your future? In which country? How? What gives you hope that your chosen one will act differently in the future? What is your belief in him based on?
A woman's respect for a man is born on the basis of his actions, not his words; you will not be able to just artificially evoke it in yourself. Respect for a man comes from the fact that he shows his masculine qualities– responsibility, determination, activity, and not just doing romantic things. After all, a woman needs protection, she needs to live with this man, have children with him. She needs a husband, not a child who is waiting for someone to take care of him, for him to find a job, for him to be appeased, for someone to do something for him.
- This is a WOMAN'S SOBRIETY in choosing a man. Perhaps for modern woman This is the most difficult point. She want White dress and get married, but she rarely thinks about how she will live further with this specific man, what kind of husband he will be, and how she will feel with him AS HE IS NOW, and not as she sees him in her imagination.
Right now you are making a choice for life. Choosing the person with whom you will live every day, with whom you will have children, with whom you will achieve common goals.
How do you feel next to him? With a living person? And not with the one you see on Skype?
Are you ready to continue to endure this state of affairs and wait for something to change? And how many more years are you willing to give this relationship? How many years of your life are you willing to give up waiting for him to find a job, the situation in our countries to change, or something else magical to happen?
Are you ready to accept this person AS HE IS, to love him as an unemployed person, taking on the function of the head of the family? Are you ready to travel to him at your own expense, settle into his country, look for work and provide for your family in a foreign country? Or are you ready to accept it on your territory?
How many times have you seen each other in person, and on what basis do you talk about your love? What is the evidence for this? In actions, not in feelings? One of the proofs of love is the desire to be together, the joint overcoming of obstacles and difficulties, the willingness to act for the sake of the loved one and the beloved.
Forgive me if my questions are unpleasant to you, if my letter caused you pain. Perhaps this is the only chance for you to see reality and answer your questions - Does love really exist? Is there a future for our relationship?
I really want you to be aware of what is really happening and build relationships based on reality, not romantic fantasies.
All the best to you!
Tatiana Plotnikova
Attention site readers! This article is for informational and educational purposes. If you and your relatives, friends and acquaintances have similar problems, then contact a psychiatrist at the psychoneurological dispensary at your place of registration, the emergency room of a psychiatric hospital, the registry office of the Institute of Psychiatry, or the websitepsychiatry.ru . We do not diagnose or treat psychiatric diseases! We provide individual psychological counseling services.
Question for a psychologist:
Eh... a difficult life situation.
I met a girl on the Internet. Or rather, we knew each other before, at the institute, but only casually. After
Institute, I went to graduate school abroad, and she lived married for a year, and then (although I didn’t know it) she went to another country for an exchange year, and in the second year of my graduate school we got in touch again via
Skype.
She didn’t love her husband, after our conversations on Skype she divorced him remotely (well, she filed for divorce later, but told him that she no longer wanted to communicate as before). Then we talked on Skype every day for a year and a half (she returned to Russia, then went to her parents for six months).
During all this time, we saw each other in person seven times, for a total of about a month.
I finished graduate school, didn’t save any money, and moved back to my mother “until I find a job.” She said she wanted to pursue graduate school in another country herself. A year ago I began to think about pathology
our relationship on Skype, tried to talk about it with her, but she doesn’t like to sort things out. We agreed that we want to live together in order to really understand how it is for us.
In general, thoughts about the pathology of the relationship did not leave me and tormented me, but I calmed myself with the words “we need to live together.”
Now she is in another country (she found a graduate school), I finally found a job there (but have not left yet), but long thoughts on the topic “won’t there be enough nonsense in my life” have exhausted me. I no longer understand whether I am comfortable with a girl, and whether I like her at all. If I hadn’t found a job, I would have given up and said goodbye to it, but I found a job (abroad! I don’t know the language other than English).
Since “relationships” took up too much space in my thoughts, I no longer understand whether I’m having a good time with the girl, or whether I’m just doing all this out of a sense of duty, out of a desire not to look like a perennial deceiver, and out of a sense of inertia. Do I love her now -- I don’t understand. In many cases it was uncomfortable with her, but I had nothing to “present” to her, as it were. On the other hand, there were many good situations. I really don't like her
family.
I can’t take it anymore, I’ve been lying around for a week with a rapid heartbeat and a hellish headache, I can’t work, the deadline for collecting documents is running out, there’s no money.
I’m trying to calm myself down with the thoughts that I’ll work (in that country) and I’ll be able to at least earn something (the salary is good) in order to have more freedom of action, and at the same time I’ll be able to really live together with my girl. But I’m worried that I’m wasting time, age, and in general I want, it seems, I’m not sure, to live in the country where I had my graduate school. Still, he lived for three years.
It’s confusing that before this I had as many as four similar emotions. Well, that is, the women and I didn’t go anywhere, but the situation was like “it’s time to move to a new level of relationship, but I don’t have any strength and I
I feel out of place, and I am overwhelmed by a fierce fear of being left with a person who is alien and not close to me.” On the other hand, the thought of choosing a partner according to parameters has always scratched me emotionally, so here
something is also wrong.
The anamnesis includes a mother who never married, and a grandmother who did not love her second husband, having lived with him for many years.
Help.
P.S. I sent a post and realized it. How did I forget to mention:
a) I have a BAR. I started taking the pills not too long ago and haven't reached the full dose yet, but they seem to be working.
b) I cheated on this girl with the one for whom I thought I was in “mad love.” I’ve been talking on Skype with two people at the same time for almost six months. I am a terrible manipulator, and now I no longer consider this an advantage. In the end, I realized that “mad love” was a mania, and in the end I gained strength and said that “it’s more comfortable with the other one,” and now I’m hysterical with her.
There is no money for a psychologist, except for one or two classes, I don’t understand what to do.
Answer from theSolution psychologist:
You are great, because in difficult situation consulted a psychologist. Let's look at your psychological mistakes together and think about what could be done to correct them. You are worried about difficulties in building relationships and establishing your personal life. It is very good that you are looking for reasons for what is happening and are ready to make efforts to change the situation. You are well done! The one who walks will master the road, as they say folk wisdom. It is important that on this path you have a guide in the form of a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist who will help you improve your affective sphere; develop strategies for coping with stress; work through destructive subconscious beliefs about yourself, the world, women, relationships, which greatly interfere with building happy relationships and life in general; learn the rules of building harmonious relationships. This is what your enlarged plan for working on yourself might look like. On this path, you will definitely need the help of a specialist.
It is important for you to gradually begin to improve your life and find an opportunity to visit a psychologist or psychotherapist weekly. If you don’t have this opportunity now, it doesn’t mean it will always be like this. Having secured a constant source of income, you will definitely be able to find funds for four consultations per month. It is important for you to make a plan and determine the order of your actions. Obviously, first of all, it is important for you to start working and have a regular income, as well as take care of your health. Once these two tasks are completed, you can do something else. There is no need to demand that you deal with all the problems at once. This is impossible. It is very important to move step by step and set priorities correctly. Let's discuss this a little more.
The way you think affects how you feel
Most of a person's emotional problems are related to his destructive thinking and errors in logic. A person has habits of thinking that have been practiced to the point of automaticity. He often does not notice how he thinks and how he feels in connection with this. An example of one such mistake is sticking destructive labels. So in the letter you call your relationship with the girl pathological. Pathological means unhealthy, based on deviations from the norm and painful manifestations.
By calling your relationship pathological, you find a very powerful explanation for why it needs to be broken off. And then your fears, dissatisfaction, unjustified expectations are no longer the reason for the breakup. You don't have to deal with them or deal with them. You can call the relationship wrong and end it. And then there is no need to work on them, improve them, harmonize them. If at such moments it begins to seem to you that the girl is no longer dear to you, and that something is wrong with her family, this strengthens your rationalization and attempt to find arguments against maintaining the relationship. This is how psychological defenses work, protecting a person from confronting his true experiences and needs, intrapersonal problems and conflicts.
When a person thinks with errors of logic, his assessment of what is happening is far from reality. If you evaluate what was pathological in your relationship, it may turn out that there was nothing. In your letter you provide no evidence to support this assumption. You describe a long-distance, supportive relationship with daily Skype communication. You describe your discomfort in communicating with a girl, but do not specify what caused it. It is important for you to determine the reasons for your discomfort. Most likely it is caused by the fact that your needs were not met in communication or your psychological boundaries were violated. Both issues can be resolved. A psychologist teaches how to communicate confidently and assertively. If you don’t deal with your discomfort, it will accumulate and then lead to emotional imbalance and disturbances. As a result, you will be forced to avoid communication altogether. This is not the best solution.
Notice how your thoughts create your emotional and physical state. You think: “... I can’t work, deadlines for collecting documents are running out, there’s no money... I’m wasting time, age...”. And at the same time you feel: a rapid heartbeat and a severe headache. This is an example of how, with the help of thoughts, you first create your emotional (anxiety, panic, fear), and then physical ailment. IN in this example Behind the above thoughts there is most likely a destructive belief that you must: cope with everything, be strong, find a well-paid job, start a family. Where there are obligations, there is also compulsion. That is, you do all this not out of your own free will, but in order to look good and correct in someone’s eyes. For example, in the eyes of family or society. Try instead of the words “need”, “should”, “correctly”, “necessary”, say “I choose”, “I prefer”, “I want” and the like. Such words give you an informed choice, while the first ones deprive you of it.
The sequence is always like this: thoughts - emotions - physical sensations - behavior.
To change your condition and behavior, it is important to change your thoughts. Irrational and destructive to rational and logical. Helping you, not creating discomfort and pain for you.
Happy relationships are built on the principles of sincerity and emotional intimacy
Conflicts, discontent, and clashes of interests are an integral part of relationships. Two people with their own unique sets of habits begin to build something together - relationships, everyday life, and so on. Therefore, a clash of interests is inevitable. And the extent to which people are open to each other in conflict and ready to discuss difficulties depends on the harmony in their relationships. Of course, in order to behave effectively in conflicts, you need to know how this is achieved. If a person has had negative experiences with conflict resolution in the past, or does not feel safe engaging in conflict (discussing issues), he will avoid such communication.
Judge for yourself, often a showdown is associated solely with expressing dissatisfaction, complaints, issuing demands and ultimatums. Of course it hurts. If in a conversation you talk more about your partner than about yourself, about the wrongness of the relationship, then these words will automatically be perceived as claims and reproaches. It is important to learn how to properly discuss problems and resolve conflicts in relationships, then they will bring people closer together and make their relationships more open, safe and happy.
Discussing your needs and concerns in a relationship is important and necessary. This is what makes them trusting and harmonious. This is what gives people the feeling that they are truly loved, appreciated, respected, accepted and considered.
Rules for constructing open and safe communication in conflict
Here are a few rules that will help you develop emotional intimacy in your relationships and effectively resolve conflicts:
- When discussing your needs and problems, talk about yourself, not your partner.
Correct: “I really want to see you more often, spend time, do something together. I miss you when I don’t see you for a long time.”
Incorrect: “I feel that I am not as important to you as you are to me. You have so many things to do and plans, but you don’t have enough time for me.”
See how wording changes the perception of what is being said? In the first option, we are talking about needs, and allows your partner to understand you better, and in the second, we are talking about claims and reproaches. A person begins to defend himself and close himself off when he does not feel emotionally safe.
- Find out whether your partner is ready to talk now, whether he has time, whether he is tired, or upset. Here the wording also matters:
Correct: “I would like to discuss something important to me with you. This applies to us and our relationships. Do you mind if we talk about it now (tomorrow evening)?”
Incorrect: “There is something wrong with our relationship and I want to discuss it.” It sounds like a statement that the relationship is bad and most likely something unpleasant awaits the person in the conversation.
Remember that the purpose of such conversations is to bring closer and improve relationships.
If your partner is not ready now, ask when it is convenient for him so that he can tune in and perhaps prepare questions that he would also like to discuss.
- After you say what is important to you, give your partner the opportunity to speak. Listen to him thoughtfully and interestedly. There is no need to argue, prove something, or interrupt. Listen and clarify for yourself your partner’s attitude to what you said. The task is to get feedback from a partner.
- Show that you understand what your partner said, ask clarifying questions if any arise, clarify what you said earlier, if necessary.
Correct: “When I said that I wanted to see you more often, I meant that I would like to go somewhere together, do something together. For example, cooking dinner, or walking the dog.”
Incorrect: “Communication on Skype, this is not normal communication, what kind of relationship is this?”
- Practice active listening and find out what your partner would like in this situation. It may turn out that you want different things. In this case, you can ask what way out of the situation does your partner see, taking into account both his and your needs? If he needs time to think, don't rush him. The task for each of you is to think through possible options for getting out of the current situation, and then discuss them and choose the most suitable one. Do not rush to reject or criticize what your partner proposes, consider all options from total number your joint options, you need to choose one that is most suitable for both of you.
It is not always possible, however, to come to a common decision. In this case, it is important to recognize that in this matter you want very different things and your opinions differ too much. This also happens.
- It is not enough to make a decision; it is important to understand how you will implement it together. Think about this too.
- Be sure to thank your partner for being attentive and sensitive to your experiences and needs.
It takes practice to learn how to discuss needs and problems in a relationship this way. You can agree with your partner that you will try to act according to such an algorithm in order to be sincere, be able to satisfy your needs and not hurt each other.
Learn to understand your true needs
As long as you ignore your needs, you will feel uncomfortable and angry with your partner. It is important to consider the needs of other people, but this does not mean that you need to give up your own. You will remain unhappy in the relationship until you learn to effectively meet your needs. If you're not ready to live with your girlfriend, it's important to figure out why instead of agreeing to it. What worries or scares you about living together? What consequences are you afraid of? What needs are you afraid of being infringed? Once you figure this out, you can discuss your wishes with the girl.
For example, you don't feel like you'll get support from your girlfriend, or you'll have to do something you don't want to do, or you're worried about some everyday issues. First determine what is bothering you, and then you will understand what to do about it next.
When you describe the scenario for the development of all your relationships, notes that the prospect cohabitation Being with a girl always scares you, because you feel out of place and you are overcome by the fear of staying with someone who is not close to you. There is no point in moving in with people you don’t feel close to. The purpose of a relationship is to be happy and feel good, not the other way around. If you have a fear of living together, then you should not agree to it. However, this may well not suit the girl.
Living together means more responsibility and obligations. This may scare you. In order not to be afraid of responsibility and obligations, it is important to develop your personality. By forcing yourself to take on responsibilities that you are not ready for, you will sooner or later begin to avoid it, and this will destroy the relationship in any case.
Fear of emotional intimacy
You have a fear of emotional intimacy, which is why you do not feel close to your partner. To be emotionally intimate is to be vulnerable. This means baring your soul to a person. Talk about what is truly important to you, about what is scary, about what you want and what you dream about. Speak sincerely and openly. If you have a fear of emotional intimacy, then you are likely to show people a mask rather than the real you, in fear that you might be rejected or hurt. If you only show a mask, then, of course, you will not be able to feel closeness to the person, no matter how much you communicate with him. And without emotional intimacy it is impossible to build a happy relationship.
The fear of emotional intimacy, the ban on it, is formed in a person in childhood, in the parental family. For example, because parents set an example of how not to be emotionally close, not to share with each other, not to support each other, and to avoid heart-to-heart conversations. In this case, the person simply does not know how and does not know how to build trusting relationships. When a child is rejected, his trust is betrayed, he is judged, shamed, criticized for who he is, punished for talking about his needs and dreams, he begins to fear emotional intimacy because he has experienced that it is unsafe , scary and painful. Hence the feeling of isolation, loneliness, avoidance, and anxiety. fears, phobias, depression and other affective and behavioral disorders. In case of such violations in emotional sphere the person maintains connections with other people through power games and manipulation. He doesn't know any other way.
Psychologist's advice:
Task No. 1! First of all, together with your doctor, select pharmacotherapy for the treatment of bipolar affective disorder. This process is labor-intensive and may require some time. Drugs and dosages can be adjusted for some time until the optimal option for you is chosen, in which you feel good. Don't waste your time and energy on this. It is very important! For this period, do not set yourself any global goals. Wait until your health returns to normal and stabilizes.
Task No. 1! Find a job. which you will like and generate regular income. Don’t agree to a job that you have to endure and go to it like hard labor. Choose one that will captivate and inspire you.
Task #3! Besides drug treatment you definitely need long-term psychotherapy. As soon as you are financially able, set aside a monthly budget for regular meetings with a psychologist. Working with a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist will help you treat bipolar disorder, provide the emotional support and psychocorrection you need, correct destructive strategies of thinking and behavior, and learn the rules for building harmonious relationships. Don’t rush yourself, give yourself time to harmonize your personality; without this, in any case, it is impossible to build happy and harmonious relationships. Set aside several years for these goals. You will need two to five years intensive care, and maintenance therapy in the future.
Task #4! Resolve conflicts at the level of moral values. To be madly in love with a girl and at the same time dating another - such behavior speaks of violations in the moral sphere and a distorted understanding of the highest moral feelings. Ask a psychiatrist if you have any signs of developing signs of psychopathy that were not previously characteristic of you. If treatment is started late, bipolar disorder can lead to a personality shift and acquired personality psychopathization. Since we are talking about the fact that you dated two girls at the same time, we can talk specifically about a violation in the understanding of morality and higher moral feelings.
Task No. 5! Identify all your fears and concerns, figure out your needs and discuss it all with your girlfriend. You don't need to rush. Take some time to think about it. Tell your girl about your illness so that she can better understand and support you. Be honest with her! Good luck to you.
Are you in a difficult situation? life situation? Get a free and anonymous consultation with a psychologist on our website or ask your question in the comments.
Lovers receive 80% of information non-verbally. Simply put, love is not about words. An unpleasant fact for those couples who are forced to endure separation while maintaining a long-distance relationship. However, it is possible to overcome this problem.
PHOTO getty images
Long distance relationships - are they possible? This is the very case when the future depends only on you, and the disadvantages - if desired - can be safely turned into advantages.
Rare meetings. Communication on the hateful (how you want to touch your loved one, and not just look at him) Skype. Jealousy, which is stimulated by the unknown - what is he (she) doing, where is he/she now? And at the same time - freshness of feelings, every date is like the first; lack of everyday routine, and the opportunity to make joint plans.
The thing about long-distance relationships is that separation tests your strength. The kilometers that separate the couple, like litmus, highlight and diagnose whether it is love or not. More precisely, it’s not just about love, but about that very thing that is called REAL LOVE - when everyone is sure that their partner is finally the one. If so, you have nothing to worry about.
In other cases, if you are not sure, ask yourself an unpleasant question: is it worth spending time and energy on a person, separation from whom could ultimately cause you real pain. For those who know for sure that their romance is part of a great love story, a safety rope will not hurt. How to survive and endure this separation with the least loss and maintain a long-distance relationship?
2. However, community has its own nuance - to know the limits, giving yourself and your partner the opportunity, time and space to own life. It is clear that when a loved one is far away, longing pushes everything else into the background. You need to tell yourself: “Make the most out of the situation, look at what you have on the positive side.”
Fill out the evenings and stuff free time to the maximum, do what you were planning to do, but never got around to before. Don’t stand still, develop, learn new things; in the long run, it will benefit not only you personally, but also you as a couple. Firstly, there will be something to tell, and secondly, a person who moves forward and changes is always more interesting.
3. If you have a disagreement, by all means share. However, there are polar opinions on this matter - some believe that in conditions of separation it is better not to dump your negativity on your partner, but to cope on your own, others believe that this is necessary. It’s up to you to decide whether to “dump out” or not, just keep in mind that complaints, grievances, suspicions, and fatigue accumulate and do not disappear anywhere. Keeping it to yourself is harmful, and what accumulates will sooner or later turn into a dangerous snowball, an avalanche. In addition, if you close yourself off in worrying about your troubles, you will feel even more alone. This will definitely make you stronger, but will it preserve that same community? Is not a fact.
So please share. Moreover, argue if there is really a need for it. Of course, we are not talking about scenes with disconnection of communication, going offline - no matter how irritated you are, do not allow this to happen. A normal showdown can be resolved through personal contact; this is impossible at a distance, so don’t make your partner suffer far away.
4. One of the reasons for your argument (or quarrel?) can be expected to be jealousy. It is clear that from a distance everything seems larger than it actually is. This rule also applies to jealousy. The phrase “My colleague and I had lunch together today,” dropped in a conversation with you, in your fevered imagination can easily turn into a romance within five minutes (especially since distance, alas, encourages doubts). What should I do? There can only be one answer here - trust. It’s easy to say, of course... But there is no other way. Moreover, with all possible jealousy, if deep down you are confident in a person, everything else will be foam, a light cloud that will not spoil the weather as a whole.
...Everything passes, except true love. Live from meeting to meeting, make plans together and know: if you try, after some time this separation will turn into a pleasant memory for both of you, which will once again serve as confirmation of true feelings.