The son left his wife with a small child. “Andrei fell in love and wanted to leave his wife”: The mother of the head of a large family, who was accused of raping his daughter, declared his wife’s revenge. Who and where did your son work?

They do not suffer from alcohol or drug addiction, do not tyranny at home, sincerely consider themselves good husbands. It’s just that one day they disappear from the lives of their children after divorcing their wives. Why does this happen and whose fault is it? Let’s try to figure it out using the example of frank stories of “former fathers.”

- Almost the same thing happened to me as with the pilot Nenarokov in the Soviet film “Crew”,- 46-year-old Arthur, father, begins his story adult daughter Nastya, with whom last time I saw you more than 10 years ago. Despite the fact that in his narrative there are obvious inconsistencies with the behavior of the hero Anatoly Vasilyev, who embodied on the screen the image of a loving, gentle, caring father and was separated from his son by the will of his quarrelsome wife, Arthur is sure that he was also unlucky with his Alevtina. - We got married very early, as soon as we turned 18. Love and other nonsense, including an unplanned pregnancy. Parents on both sides were against this marriage, but we wanted to prove to the whole world... I don’t even know what exactly. They proved it: they got married and gave birth to a child. And the love evaporated. Nitpicking, scandals. Each of us already realized that we were in a hurry with family life, and if it weren’t for Nastya, we would have quietly and peacefully separated, preserving the memories of our bright first love. But leaving a child is much more difficult than leaving a wife. And not because I had some kind of strong attachment to the girl, I won’t lie: the paternal instinct was silent, even when I rocked her in my arms on sleepless nights, fed her from a bottle, and walked with a stroller in the park. Moreover, I saw in this tiny creature main reason the fact that life has turned into some kind of boring everyday life.

I studied part-time and worked two jobs to support my family, while my peers were enjoying their carefree youth: parties, dating in Internet chats, blind dates... Their lives were in full swing while my wife and I were shopping for diapers. But still, I felt some kind of responsibility for Nastya. And, in general, he treated her well. The problem is that my parents, mother-in-law and father-in-law actively interfered in our lives, unexpectedly uniting in attempts to save the children’s marriage, which was cracking at the seams. We were constantly lectured that a child should not grow up fatherless, that we should have thought earlier, and now it’s too late to drink Borjomi... Now, in my fifties, I understand: such conversations only inflamed my wife and me, driving me into terrible depression. Imagine: we are 20 years old, and all our relatives think that we should now live only for the sake of the baby.

Somehow they lasted another four years. With mutual reproaches, quarrels, assault in the heat of scandals. And then the ex fell in love on the side. Wealthy man, a foreigner, he had some kind of business in Minsk, but he planned to live in his homeland. I called my wife there too. That's when it all started. The missus confronted me with a fact: I’ll get a divorce, seize your child from you and go to live abroad. I hesitated. More out of spite: why should I give my women to another man? The courts began, the process of dividing property began - the apartment that our parents built together. Nastya was then 7 years old, she went to school, and the girl was not attracted by the prospect of leaving forever for another country to live with some uncle who would become her “second dad.” But my wife, who by that time had already become an ex, achieved her goal: according to the court, the child was left with her, I could see my daughter only on weekends, but soon I lost that too - Nastya was taken thousands of kilometers from Belarus. Moreover, the happy ex-wife generously refused child support: she said that the girl doesn’t need a father like me, she will have everything thanks to her stepfather, so from now on let her consider him her real dad. That is, I was simply erased from Nastya’s life.

Since then I have seen my daughter only twice. The first time was when she and her mother came to visit her grandparents eight months after emigrating, the second time was when she was already 16. At first she wrote me letters by e-mail, in which she first called me dad, then uncle. And soon she stopped writing altogether. I'm sure there was some pressure from her mother. However, I won’t lie: I also did not strive to resume communication. By that time, my second wife had given birth to a son, and for some reason it is for this child, who was born when I was already approaching 30, that I feel true love and affection. He replaced my lost daughter, although it’s not nice to say so.

Now Nastya is 27 years old, she is married, works as a flight attendant. I get all the information about her from my parents, and they from my parents. ex-wife. That, in fact, is the whole story. I’m sorry that this happened, but I don’t see any prerequisites for trying to change anything in the current situation. I don’t feel like I need my daughter. And, to be honest, I don’t really need it either. We have long become strangers.

To become a father in the full sense of the word, you first need to approach the baby and take him in your arms. And then spend as much free time from work as possible with him. The sooner this happens, the better. And if the father is not allowed near the child (regardless of the reasons), it may arise vicious circle: As the baby grows, so does the awkwardness of the father, who finds himself alone with him and does not know how to behave or what to talk about. As a result, such men are less and less attracted to communication with their heirs. A wall of alienation is growing between loved ones, which is becoming more and more difficult to overcome every year.

Arthur’s companion in misfortune (although such men do not consider the severance of all ties with their own child to be an outright misfortune), 35-year-old Igor, left the family four years ago, leaving ex-wife And little son apartment, car and all the furnishings in the house. He was unable to see the child again. The question is - how much did Igor himself want this?

- It seemed to me that everything was going right for my wife and I, like in an exemplary encyclopedia family life: the wedding took place when both were under 30, a year later they were born long-awaited son. I earned good money, my family didn’t need anything. He demanded only one thing: to leave me alone, so that when I came home, I could rest after a difficult working day. At first everything went like clockwork, and then my wife got bored while on maternity leave: she had previously been a successful manager in a large company, had a career, and despised housewives. Cooking borscht and cleaning the apartment is not for her. And she quickly lost interest in caring for the baby. I’m on the threshold - she gives me a stroller with a baby: go for a walk, you only work 9 hours a day, and I work 24! At night the child screams, she covers her head with a pillow and pretends to be asleep. Then she said that she would not sit on maternity leave for three years, she needed to hire a nanny, and she would go to work. I was categorically against any nannies: no one can replace a baby’s mother. Scandals began: I was accused of ruining her career, her future.

One day I had to go on a business trip for a week, and when I returned, I couldn’t get into our apartment - the locks had been changed. My wife wrote on social networks: she has decided to divorce, we don’t need you anymore, my mom and dad will help me, go to hell! Like thunder among clear skies. I answered her: what about our child? She told me: when my son grows up, he will understand me. I spat and left. As it was - a suit, a bag.

Then he called her several times, offering help - money or to babysit her son. She answered every time that they didn’t need anything from me. They filed a divorce in court, I gave her all the property, but she shouldn’t count on alimony. I know that the child is now being raised by her parents, and she is at work day and night - she wants to become deputy director of the company. The former father-in-law and mother-in-law are completely under the thumb of the daughter, she supports them, and therefore dictates to them with whom to communicate and with whom not. Their doors are closed to me: “Sorry, Igorek, it’s nothing personal...” I don’t understand what I did wrong, where does such aggression towards me come from? A year ago I left to live in another city, I follow the life of my ex on social networks, I look at the photo of my son. I hope when he grows up and begins to understand what's what, we will become friends.

Why do many divorced women cross out? ex-husbands from the lives of children?

- On the one hand, this happens due to ambitions, mutual grievances and claims accumulated over the years of family life, which after a divorce acquire even greater scope, and on the other hand, due to the inability to negotiate, - explains psychologist Lyudmila Stepanova . - Often in such situations there are loved ones nearby who can fuel the conflict with “good advice”: “How can you tolerate all this?! He/she has done so much for you!” It’s a pity that at this moment no one is thinking about the child. And an innocent child becomes a bone of contention and a means of manipulation, and sometimes blackmail. In fact, if the former spouses first of all took into account the interests of their daughter or son, no one would start such a war and would not put the child before an impossible choice for one of the parents.

In the relationship between fathers and children there is another important point: if about existence maternal instinct a lot of things have been written, but with the instinct of paternity everything is much more complicated. It often happens that after the birth of a child, a new father does not experience anything special, although society requires him to initial stage manifestations of genuine care, participation and interest in your child. Sometimes the only feelings that accompany a young father in the first months of a baby’s life are fear and confusion. And the men themselves do not hide this, honestly talking about the fact that their attachment to the child formed gradually, week after week. To become a father in the full sense of the word, you first need to approach the baby and take him in your arms. And then spend as much free time from work as possible with him. The sooner this happens, the better. And if the father is not allowed near the child (regardless of the reasons), a vicious circle can arise: as the baby grows, so does the awkwardness of the father, who finds himself alone with him and does not know how to behave or what to talk about. As a result, such men are less and less attracted to communication with their heirs. A wall of alienation grows between loved ones, which is becoming more and more difficult to overcome every year.

GOOD TO KNOW

Stay on good terms with your ex-spouse and not traumatize your psyche common child- the main task after divorce

No matter how the ex-spouses are offended by each other, no matter how much they accuse each other of all mortal sins, the real sufferers when a family breaks up are the children. The child experiences this situation very painfully, and his psychological well-being largely depends on the nature of the relationship between the parents and on their ability to maintain a friendly disposition towards each other. Therefore, it is important to make it clear to your son or daughter: despite the fact that mom and dad no longer live together, they have not stopped being loved and loving parents, advises Lyudmila Stepanova.

Of course, immediately after the divorce, establish a good relationship can be very difficult - due to still fresh reproaches, grievances, accusations that provoked or accompanied the divorce process. But if you really want your child to go through this without psychological trauma, you will still have to step over your ambitions and resolve differences.

And the first thing to do is to talk frankly with former second half, but not in the vein of “it’s all your fault,” but try to see conflict situation from the outside. For example, ask what he or she liked and didn’t like during the marriage, what were the expectations at a certain moment, what did you really think and feel at the time? difficult situations. Try to understand each other. After all ex-spouse or your spouse has been a part of your life and, thanks to your common children, will continue to be so. You cannot close your eyes to your past and abandon it. The only way find harmony with yourself and your past - accept it, forgive and draw conclusions. Relationships can only become good, warm and sincere when the time comes for forgiveness.

Try to formulate what you want to achieve. Only specifically: for example, learn to talk calmly, raise a child, take care of his future, etc. Remember that if love ends and the family breaks up, you still continue to be parents!

The names of the publication's characters have been changed.

Or ?". And I answered something like this: “Who can draw the line between family relationships and health? Who is sure that family troubles will not lead to the development of angina in the child, the wife, or the development of angina in the husband?” Where is this line?
No, my dears, I see my task as much broader than presenting this or that recipe for this or that disease.

A letter arrived from Cherepovets from Natalya Sergeevna (for obvious reasons, she asked not to give her last name):

Hello! I’m reading your site and thinking about that letter that . I liked your response to this young woman, Dr. Khoroshev. Maybe you can influence my nephew. Or rather, he's like me native son. His mother (my Native sister) died many years ago, leaving behind a son at the age of 8 months. He, of course, always knew that he birth mother- my sister, but this did not in the least push him away from me and my husband. On the contrary, he always treated us with respect more love and tenderness than the dearest sons. The son graduated well from school and entered the Polytechnic Institute. I was assigned to work at one of the factories in Murmansk region. There he got married (he was 23 years old at the time).

Tamara - his wife turned out to be a very nice woman, reasonable, calm. She gave birth to two girls - my granddaughters. They are already quite adults - the eldest Lena is 21 years old, younger Maria– 18. Both are students, studying in St. Petersburg. My son is already 45. He became quite a rich man, bought a beautiful large apartment, built Vacation home. And recently something bad happened - he left for another woman. My father and I's heart bleeds. We called our son, convinced him that his action was wrong, to which he was silent at first, and recently quite sharply said that he was “already a fully grown boy and does not need the advice of his parents.” He doesn't call us, he mobile phone doesn't answer. He left the apartment and house to his family - his wife and daughters.

This one is his new passion- a real vampire, it was she who made him so evil. As if what devilry flew into him. My granddaughters are terribly worried, my daughter-in-law is crying. She lives with us now, she can’t be alone yet. Our granddaughters try to visit us more often. They don't communicate with their father. And he doesn't call them. Where did it all go - after all, before, it seemed like he couldn’t live a day without them, they never refused him anything. And then it was cut off. And all this is his new passion... Our son is sick, this woman is drugging him with something. Vladimir Stepanovich, I ask you - write him a letter. You will be able to find words that will enter his soul and he will think about what he is doing.

- Natalya Sergeevna, Cherepovets

I carefully read your letter, Natalya Sergeevna... Then similar letters from Anna Leonidovna from the city of Berezniki, Maria Gennadievna from Voronezh. I put them aside. Then I read it again... How much pain and fear they have for their sons who are abandoning their families, for their abandoned daughters, for their grandchildren, for themselves...
And you know what I thought?

The son abandoned the family. How should we treat him?

It seems to me that you should not admonish your son, Natalya Sergeevna. He is already more than an adult. And nothing can make him change his mind now. And it was his decision that was not easy, you can believe me. Men, at least the majority, experience strong remorse.

This period of life for men has its own name -. More than 87% of all men aged 38 to 52 go through this (statistically).

All your attempts to reason with your son will have no effect. And not at all because he new woman gave him witchcraft herb to drink. This is not the same...

Don't waste your energy on things that will end up being unproductive. Your task, Natalya Sergeevna, is to support your daughter-in-law with all your might - the mother of your granddaughters, and this means that later your daughter-in-law, granddaughters and... most importantly, your son Victor, will be grateful to you.

Time will pass, everything, as they say, will resolve. And, who knows, it could very well be your son... This happens quite often. But this takes time. Do not put pressure on your son under any circumstances. The deterioration will certainly cause further Negative consequences. I know many examples of what results from attempts to “reason” with a son and “open” his eyes. Many men in such situations of pressure, supported by reproaches of conscience, begin to drink. You need it?

I know many cases of tragic developments... Here is a recent example. A 46-year-old man, having learned to earn a lot of money, as they say, “started” an affair “on the side.” When he announced his, they began to reproach him that he was a bad son, bad father to my children. Everyone turned away from him, declaring him, as they say, “outlawed.”

As a result, this 46-year-old man committed suicide. He left a note in which he asked for forgiveness from his children, his wife, and his parents. Understand, I don’t want to scare you, but you shouldn’t tempt fate either...

It's better to just take a break. Your tact, your reasonable behavior - in the end only benefit your granddaughters, your daughter-in-law, your Victor, you and your husband, finally.

Under no circumstances should either you or your daughter-in-law speak badly about your son in the presence of your granddaughters, Natalya Sergeevna. The main thing is not to make an enemy out of your son in the eyes of his daughters. Because it will definitely have the opposite effect. Even if at first he himself will experience some cooling towards them. This happens often. In this way, a man tries to assuage reproaches of conscience. Please understand this. Don’t make excuses, but understand... Your granddaughters are also adults, and they will soon understand everything themselves.

All the best to you in life, Natalya Sergeevna. And reasonable actions.

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