How to comfort a person: the right words. Offensive cutting phrases. Maybe there's something that could help you feel better

Life does not stand still... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone close to them has died, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person and express their condolences and sympathy. Condolences- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude towards the experiences and misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, injure, or cause even more suffering?

The word condolences speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as “ with seating disease" Don't let this surprise you. After all, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful human condition, and it is well known that “shared grief is half grief.” Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Sympathy - feeling together, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolences are sharing grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, and firms. Condolences are also used in diplomatic protocol when they are expressed in official level in interstate relations.

Verbal condolences to the bereaved

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Verbal condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, co-workers to those who were closer to the deceased through family, friendly and other connections. Verbal condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral or wake).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, without the work of the soul and sincere sympathy behind it. Otherwise, condolences turn into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but in many cases also causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not a rare case these days. It must be said that people in grief subtly sense lies that at other times they would not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to say empty and false words that have no warmth.

How to express verbal condolences:

To express your condolences please consider the following:

• There is no need to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings towards the grieving person and in expressing warm words towards the deceased.
• Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, you can express your condolences with whatever your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is quite enough. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. The same can be done by condolences who do not have close relationships with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime. For them, it is enough to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
• When expressing condolences, it is very important not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to reinforce these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times understood that their words without deeds could turn out to be dead and formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organizing a funeral, this is all possible financial assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many different types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but will also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolences, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.

How to find the right words to express condolences

Finding the right, sincere, accurate words of condolences that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to choose them? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolences, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, turns our attention to God, whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can then say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express your condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will offer condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary to forgive in prayer those with whom you are offended, and then the necessary words will come on their own.

• Before you say words of consolation to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolences to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important points his life. After this, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

• Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or people) to whom you are going to express condolences are feeling now.

Think about their experiences, the extent of their loss, their internal state at this moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, the right words will come on their own. All you have to do is say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of that person or persons.

Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty of before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of verbal condolences

Here are a few examples of verbal condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because... the person to whom you offer condolences needs not so much Right words how much empathy, sincerity and honesty.

• He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
• Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
• There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
• It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
• I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
• Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright person the one we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
• This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
• Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
• This is a huge loss. AND terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
• It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

I would like to especially emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pretentiousness, or theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who are trying to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCES for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of grief, which usually begins on the first day and can end on days 9 to 40 of loss (if grief proceeds normally). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH SUCH GRIEVING PARTICIPALLY IN CONSIDERATION.

As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences are not formal. We must try not to say (write) insincere things, common words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases are not used. It is important to note that in an attempt to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made, which not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. This is why it is better to avoid mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of frequently used phrases that, according to experts, are not recommended to be said when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:

You can't "console" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died), "You are beautiful, then will you get married again"(if the husband died), etc. - This is a completely tactless statement for a grieving person. He hasn't mourned yet, hasn't experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such “consolation” from a person who may think that he is thus giving hope to the grieving person is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry“Everything will pass” - people who utter such words of “sympathy” give completely wrong instructions to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions and hide his pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or become convinced) to think that crying is bad. This can have an extremely difficult impact on both the psycho-emotional and somatic state of the mourner and on the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the “sympathizers” themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Don't worry, Everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement, which the sympathizer imagines as optimistic and even as giving hope to the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement very differently. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, he doesn’t really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a loved one. And therefore, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help him.

« It's bad, of course, but time heals“- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who pronounces it can understand. God, prayer, good deeds, acts of mercy and alms can heal the soul, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt and get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the grieving person when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, is not making plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be like this now. That is why such a phrase evokes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Let’s give a metaphor: for example, a child was hit hard, is experiencing severe pain, crying, and they say to him, “It’s bad that you hit yourself, but let it console you that it will heal before the wedding.” Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

When expressing condolences, it is impossible to utter wishes to the mourner that are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to get back to work quickly,” “I hope that you will soon regain your health,” “I wish you to come to your senses quickly after such a tragedy,” etc. Firstly, these wishes, which are oriented towards the future, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given in this capacity. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which in a state of acute grief a person still does not yet see. This means that these phrases will disappear into emptiness at best. But it is possible that the griever will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.

You cannot find positive elements in a tragedy and devalue the loss.

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss, most often does not console the grieving person either. The bitterness of the loss does not become less, the person perceives what happened as a catastrophe

“He feels better this way. He was sick and exhausted"- Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of the loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke resentment in the grieving person towards the departed - “You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad.” Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grief can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.

Often when expressing condolences the following statements are heard: “It’s good that the mother wasn’t hurt,” “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They also should not be said to the grieving person. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce a person’s pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could have been worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by saying that his house burned down, but his car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in its worst form.

“Hold on, because others have it worse than you”(it can be even worse, you are not the only one, there is so much evil around - many suffer, your husband is here, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which the sympathizer tries to compare the grieving person with the one “ who has it worse." At the same time, he hopes that the person grieving from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, that it can be even worse, and thus his pain from the loss will decrease.

This is an unacceptable practice. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for normal person If everyone around is feeling bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person’s condition. Secondly, a grieving person cannot compare himself with others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can’t look for the “extreme”

When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we had sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if We wouldn’t let him go,” etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried an additional feeling of guilt, which will then have a very bad effect on him psychological condition. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find someone “to blame”, “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom condolences are “guilty.”

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished,” “this driver should be killed (brought to justice),” “these terrible doctors should be judged.” These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else and are a condemnation of another. But assigning someone to blame, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all soften the pain of loss. Punishing someone responsible for death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements put the mourner into a state of strong aggression towards the person responsible for the death of a dear person. But grief specialists know that a grieving person can turn aggression towards the perpetrator on himself at any moment, thereby making things even worse for himself. So you shouldn’t utter such phrases, fueling the fire of hatred, condemnation, and aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

“God gave - God took”- another often used “consolation” that actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the “blame” for the death of a person to God. We must understand that a person in the acute stage of grief is least concerned about the question of who took the person from his life. The suffering in this acute phase will not be made easier because God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that by suggesting in this way to shift the blame onto God, you can cause aggression in a person and not have good feelings towards God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is precisely turning to God in prayer. And obviously, this creates additional complications if you consider God to be “guilty.” Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God’s providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, mentioning this can indeed be a comfort.

“This happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not console, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolence” in this way, completely undeservedly, puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, connecting certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, who thinks a lot about himself, and stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” with condemnation and assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless “condolences”, it is necessary to remember the well-known rule “It’s either good or nothing about the deceased.”

Other common mistakes when expressing condolences

They often say the phrase when expressing condolences “I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you” This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand another's physical pain except the one experiencing it. And everyone’s soul hurts especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the mourner, even if you have experienced similar things. You shouldn't compare feelings. You can't feel the same way he does. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”

It is strictly not recommended to tactlessly inquire about details when expressing sympathy. “How did this happen?” “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before his death?” This is no longer an expression of condolences, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not cause him trauma (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).

It happens that when offering condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily cope with grief - “You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I also almost went crazy.” ", "Me too, just like you. I feel very bad, my father also died,” etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and your desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of grief and pain can occur, a mutual induction that not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, it is little consolation for a person that others are also feeling bad.

Often condolences are expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ You must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you must do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obliged to do something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This makes condolences pompous, insincerity and pretense and at the same time does not contribute to achieving the main goal - expressing sympathy and sharing grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolences a touch of theatricality and play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not expressed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grief psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also provides the following recommendations on what NOT to do when communicating with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The refusal of a grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. We must understand that the person grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, and be in a state of feelings that are very difficult for another person to assess. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from such a person’s refusals. Be merciful to him. Wait for him to get back to normal.

You cannot distance yourself from a person, deprive him of your support, or ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your reluctance to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are scared, if you are afraid to impose yourself, if you are modest, then take into account these characteristics of the grieving person. Don't ignore him, but go up and explain to him.

Don't be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Sympathetic people are often frightened by the strong emotions of those grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. This may also be misunderstood by them.

You should not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have results. This happens because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, it will be like talking in different languages.

You cannot use force (squeezing, grabbing hands). Sometimes sympathizers involved in grief may lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions must be kept under control in behavior with the mourner. Strong displays of emotions, clenching in arms.

Condolences: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that "often about death loved one They notify not only relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and memorials, but also comrades and just distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or to visit the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person receiving it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, be with the grieving, offer help, and console.

But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be made within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, you should wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes a dark coat is simply worn over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. During a condolence visit, it is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death, to speak tactlessly on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or to discuss work problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they suffered, and you will make it easier for them to get back on track Everyday life. If a person cannot make a personal visit for some reason, then you need to send a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message.”

Written expression of condolences

How condolences were expressed in letters. Brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's look at this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant on the topic “Worldview Aspects of Life” writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility you can find examples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolences (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of information, love, instruction, and command. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences and letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the king’s character. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son’s escape abroad - one must read these sincere letters to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with the grief of others could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then serving as a governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the Tsar’s eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, among other things, wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve too much, but you can’t, so as not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't make me angry." The author of the letter did not limit himself to a detailed story about the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist adding: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Don’t worry, but trust in God and be reliable in us.”(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

IN XVIII-XIX centuries epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence alternative types communication, writing was a means of not only transmitting information, but also expressing feelings, emotions, and assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to confidential conversations, based on speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected individuality, emotional condition who wrote. Correspondence allows one to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, the circle of friends and interests of the writer, and the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more likely emotional assessment of the death event that occurred, rather than as a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually letters of consolation. They were often a response to a notification letter. But even if the mourner did not send a letter notifying him of the death of his relative, a consoling letter was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of remembering the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening in Russian society interest in the topic of death. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, went to secular society to the background. The topic of death has to some extent become taboo. Along with this, the culture of condolences and sympathy was also lost; There is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of comfort have become part of formal etiquette, but have not completely disappeared from communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called “Pismovniki” began to be published to help those writing on difficult topics. These were guides for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write and format a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, and provided samples of letters, phrases and expressions for various life situations, including cases of death, expressions of condolences. “Consolation letters” is one of the sections of letter writers that gave advice on how to support the grieving person and express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner and console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of consolation required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th century letter books, “The General Secretary, or a new complete letter book.” (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Letters of comfort “In this kind of letter, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can disqualify yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no more praiseworthy habit than to console each other in sorrows. Fate inflicts so much misfortune on us that we would act inhumanely if we did not give each other such relief. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in her sadness excessively, then instead of suddenly holding back her first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters one can use the features of moral teaching and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer to whom they are writing. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than grieve over someone’s death, it is better to abandon such vivid ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adapt to the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank manner: decency forbids this; Prudence requires in such cases to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, one can speak more expansively about disasters that are inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what misfortunes does each of us not endure in this life? Lack of property forces you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.”

And this is what the samples of consoling letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My Empress! Not in order to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor of writing this letter to you, for your sadness is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better yet, to mourn with you in common the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless good deeds. Judge, madam, whether I have any reason to regret him and to add my tears to your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can console my sorrow except perfect submission to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the bliss of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you too will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, you should still be consoled by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-lived pleasure here. Honor him by keeping him everlasting in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Have fun raising your children, in whom you see him come alive. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I cry for him with you, and all honest people share their pity with you, among whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"

The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today we can still observe the lack of a culture of dealing with death in society, open discussion the phenomenon of death and burial culture. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, and condolences transfer the topic of death to the category of undesirable, inconvenient aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, in what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed. They are still called "scribes."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

About the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn the death... . She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only imagine what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once... She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better people. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

About the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how tenderly he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think a lot of people will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you shared your memories of your dad. Thinking about you and your family.

About the death of a child

... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We wish we could find words to somehow ease your pain, but it’s hard to imagine if such words exist at all. Losing a child is the most terrible grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We are praying for you.

About the death of a colleague

Example 1. I was deeply saddened by the news of (name)'s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and the other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep sadness at his/her passing.

Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences for the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday of the death of Mr...

Example 5. The news of the sudden death of Mr.... was a huge shock for us.

Example 6. We find it difficult to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...

Behind all the words said
must stand honest, sincere,
An open personality is the basis of mutual understanding.

We all sincerely want to always be understood, we want to learn to trust and we dream of being heard. Where do family problems, quarrels, disagreements, broken deals and misunderstandings come from? We all speak the same language, we speak clearly and correctly?

We carry interesting offers, and in return they refuse us, they don’t hear us, don’t support us, don’t understand us. Who is guilty? Maybe we don’t know how to speak correctly so that we are understood? Why did our ideas remain unspoken? How can we learn to speak correctly so that our initiative, idea or concern is heard?

The meaning of words for a person

Our success, and indeed our whole life, depends on the ability to speak. All failures in most cases occur only because we were unable to convey the idea, expressed ourselves incorrectly, or presented ourselves in the wrong light.

But each of us can do everything much better! You need to figure out for yourself how to learn to speak competently so that what you say is understood exactly the way you would like.

Every day we say millions of words, communicate with people, with ourselves, without thinking that every spoken word carries a certain meaning. We throw around words that later turn into garbage, empty remarks, offensive phrases, unfulfilled promises. But at our core, we are exactly what we say, how competently we speak and how we perceive what is said to us.

Young children, starting to speak, try to convey their desires and feelings. They express their emotions and desires in words. These are the first lessons that not everyone learns. We grow up, but not everyone understands that our spoken language, the ability to speak correctly, opens the door for us to achieve our goals. Our goals are varied, but the rules that help people speak correctly are very simple and the same for all occasions in life.

Hear yourself

If we want to be heard, then, first of all, we need to hear ourselves, convince ourselves of the truthfulness and sincerity of our words, thoughts, desires. Because the first step to success and communication is the ability to live harmoniously with oneself, have your own undeniable point of view, the ability to lead internal dialogue and sincerely believe in every word you say.

Believe in yourself. Listen to yourself, listen to what you tell yourself. Want to learn how to talk to yourself correctly? Don’t tell yourself: “I won’t succeed,” you need to say: “I can achieve a lot.” Enjoy communicating with yourself, because you are your first listener.

Three main areas of communication

• First area

The first stream includes talking to yourself, and first you need to know how to talk to yourself correctly. Don’t be surprised, everyone talks to themselves, gives themselves advice, forces themselves to do something, scolds themselves, talks themselves out of it. This is an ongoing and unconscious internal dialogue. In the head of each of us there is a scheme laid down in childhood by which we live.

The inner voice that scolds us is the forbidden voice of our parents, it is a relic of the past. We listened to this voice as children for several years: “you can’t, don’t touch me, don’t interfere,” many consider it the voice of conscience, but it is the voice of the parents, put aside in the subcortex.

Try to gradually get rid of it. Believe in yourself, in your strengths and abilities, convince yourself that you can do anything, praise yourself. By improving your inner monologue every day, you will be able to achieve harmony with yourself, and you will notice that it becomes easier for you to talk to people. And you will think less often about how to learn to speak correctly.

• Second area

The second most important area of ​​communication is speaking correctly with interlocutors. We talk all the time, try to convey our thoughts, try to convince people that we are right, but we don’t know everything about how to learn to talk to people.

We talk a lot, but sometimes we say something that is far from what we think, and sometimes we think, but for some reason we don’t say it, and in most cases we don’t say it. As a result, constructive dialogue fails.

You will not understand how to learn to talk with people until you yourself believe in what you intend to say, and that what you say is really important to the interlocutor.

The secret to learning how to talk to people lies within yourself. Emotions, doubts, nervousness, worries, intonation - everything is conveyed along with words.

B. Russell's experiment

In 1987, Professor B. Russell conducted an experiment at the University of Pennsylvania. He found out that during communication between people, information flows arise, which, when broken down into components, showed an amazing result:

• Only 7% of spoken words have meaning;
• 38% falls on intonation and timbre of the voice;
• 55% of information is transmitted through transmission channels (posture, gestures, facial expressions, articulation), that is, something that is absolutely not related to words.

That's the whole secret of learning how to talk to people. It is very difficult to control non-verbal channels, but if the conversation concerns your future, you will have to learn.

Third area

Criticism, or the ability to deliver it, is of great importance in learning how to talk to people. This is the third area of ​​communication. All people are sensitive to criticism. Each of us sees any object, any action in our own way.

Before you start openly criticizing, you need to make sure that you and your opponent speak the same language, that is, you see the subject in the same way. This can only be clarified through dialogue.

In a conversation containing criticism, there are two sides: the speaker and the receiver. How to accept criticism with dignity and what to do next with it? A person always faces a problem. There are exactly as many opinions as there are people, so a person must decide for himself how to accept criticism.

Creative criticism

Before you start criticizing, make sure that the person needs your opinion. And being an unexpected critic is a pointless exercise, but if you really need it, then approach criticism from a creative side. Before you start criticizing a person, try praising him. Then he will more easily accept the criticism itself.

For example, if you need to make a comment to a person on a text that he has written, it is advisable to immediately tell him that the text is very wonderful, that the idea is presented perfectly, and finally talk about the shortcomings. But you need to point out your vision of what doesn’t suit you.

You may have to change your mind, and if you are right, then the person criticized after praise will be grateful for the criticism, or take it as a lesson. This is another secret of how to talk to other people. A positive attitude towards people, even in criticism, is perceived by them as a long-awaited hint.

About the beauty of speech

When it comes to how to speak correctly, one remembers the colloquial speech of the intelligentsia of past years. In the documentary chronicle you can hear the speech of each of them.

Faina Ranevskaya (actress), Nikolai Drozdov (hosted the program “In the Animal World”), Yuri Senkevich (hosted the program “Travelers Club”) are wonderful representatives of connoisseurs of the art of words from whom you can learn to speak competently.

These are people who express their thoughts in such beautiful words, which are heard less and less these days, or have even completely disappeared from speech patterns. The beautiful Russian language is gradually turning into surrogate phrases from all countries of the world. It’s a shame, but a self-respecting, intelligent person will not replace the word “beautiful” with the word “cool” or “remarkable.”

Beautiful speech - the speaker’s weapon and what distinguishes it

For those who believe that the Russian language is still great and do not know how to learn to speak competently, there are basic rules that will help them. We are all speakers at heart, each person has words to express their thoughts. But this does not mean that everything we say is correct.

A skilled speaker always knows how to talk and has several advantages over total mass of people:

• erudition and erudition. The more knowledge a person has, the better he can express his thoughts, the richer his vocabulary, and the easier it is for him. This is the essential equipment for giving an inspiring and impressive speech;
• intelligible and clear speech, absence of diction defects, persuasiveness and understandable presentation - very important qualities for a person speaking in front of an audience;
• to some extent, every speaker must be a psychologist in order to understand the mood of the masses and join in in an appropriate manner. It is unlikely that anyone will listen to a sad, sleepy person talking. The speech of a true speaker takes possession of the souls of the listeners;
• the speaker knows exactly the difference between oral and in writing, and will not allow himself to read his speech instead of speaking beautifully and confidently, looking into the eyes of his opponents.

The general public has access to a lot of literature, training, and techniques on how to learn to speak competently. We comprehend science, it would seem, we speak correctly, but they don’t want to listen to us or are not heard?

Where to look for the trick, those threads that will help you reach your interlocutor, how to learn to speak so that you are correctly understood, listened to and heard? What is the secret of how to talk?

Mastery Lessons

We speak correctly only when the subject of conversation has been thoroughly studied by us.

No matter what setting the conversation takes place in: speaking in front of an audience, talking with a friend, talking in the family or presenting, we must apply four techniques:

• link to an authoritative source. When we want to convince a person of something, we must first find out which source will be interesting to him. It will be necessary to refer to it later. For example, your interlocutor will listen to the opinion public person or to Vasya’s opinion from the second entrance? That is, an undeniable opinion should be brought into the conversation;
• link to the opinion of a specialist or expert. You should find scientific facts and statistical data in order to compose your own evidence base. Many people believe facts unquestioningly;
• appeal to mass opinion. People, not knowing what to do, often pay attention to what others are doing. Use this trick, convince the person that many people think this way;
• personal experience. If your opinion is authoritative, then your personal experience will definitely be listened to.

It's easy to learn to speak competently

We have come to the main thing - competent speech. How to learn to speak competently, are there any special rules, is training in competent speech necessary?

There are rules that you can use to achieve the desired results:

• Reading a huge number of books does not guarantee you competent speech. It is important what literature to read and how to perceive it. Fiction is great for developing spoken language, but balancing reading fiction with journalism and scientific research, you will be able to achieve great results. Vocabulary will be expanded in a variety of ways.
• Well-known and recognized speakers will tell you how to speak competently. You need to watch performances beautifully and competently talking people who already have the skills and speak exactly the way you like, the way you would like to speak in the future. An example would be Nevzorov, Parfenov, Posner. It is important to pay attention not only to what they are talking about, but also to their behavior, melody of speech, intonation, and facial expressions.
• Playing with yourself and choosing synonyms will help you learn to speak competently and know how to choose the right words. In moments of waiting or in transport, try to mentally select several synonyms for any word. If you conduct such classes daily, your vocabulary will increase very quickly.
• And, of course, the notorious tongue twisters. You won’t be able to pronounce them mentally, so at home, whenever you have a free minute, try, first slowly, and then quickly pronounce the tongue twisters you like. The activity is fun and useful for speech development.

This is a small but very effective part of the rules, thanks to which you can become pleasant and pleasant in the near future. interesting conversationalist or a famous speaker. It all depends on what you are aiming for.

Compare with this option:

The other day I couldn't speak because nothing came to mind.

Last week, while talking to a potential client, I couldn't say a word because my mind was blank.

Which example do you think is better and more likely to grab people's attention? Of course, the last one.

If in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan, in his speech Speech by R. Reagan in front of the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin about the Berlin Wall said something like:

This wall is something um... that shouldn't be there, so anyway, let's get it out of the way quickly.

Such a message would simply be lost in the information flow. Instead, a laconic and succinct challenge was thrown:

Tear down this wall!

Surely you have noticed (if not in yourself, then in someone around you) speech defects of a rhythmic nature. When words are pronounced abruptly, with too many pauses, or vice versa, a person jabbers so that the listener does not have time to understand his thoughts.

To experience the difference in perception, try saying the phrase below. Pronounce each syllable clearly and take short pauses between words. Listen to the sound of your speech:

Today I will go to the gym. Perhaps with a friend.

You will end up with what is called “stepped” speech, in which too much emphasis is placed on individual syllables, and this is a mistake.

Now try mixing each word with the next one so that it looks like one whole passage. Read through without hesitation, but without too much haste:

Today I-went-to-the-gym-with-a-friend.

This option may seem a little careless. In fact, speech with such smooth transitions becomes easier to understand by ear.

As for the pace being too fast, there is a risk of not only being misunderstood, but also of blurting out something unnecessary (for example, in a fit of emotion). Again, recording on a voice recorder will help you track your speech speed.

Try to breathe deeply before each sentence and think that you are being listened to with great interest and that you are in no hurry.

3. Inability to use body language

Many people know the difference between closed and open, but continue to use closed gestures when, on the contrary, they should open.

Movements and facial expressions are characterized as open if they express a friendly attitude and readiness to interact: when the palms are not hidden, the gaze is directed into the eyes of the interlocutor, the feet are turned in his direction, and the like. Closed gestures include crossed arms or legs, glances to the side or at the phone, clenched fists - anything that shows tension or even aggression.

We all have natural tendencies to behave in one way or another depending on the situation. If you disagree with someone, your body automatically reacts: you constrict your pupils, turn your head away, cross your arms. Conversely, when you are understood, listened to and supported, you unconsciously open up.

However, it is not always worth giving non-verbal signals to your interlocutor; often the situation requires the opposite. Try to control your body movements and facial expressions when speaking. Pay attention to the position of your hands and which facial muscles are tense. With practice, you can manage this.

4. Habit of arguing

Expressing disagreement in itself is not a bad thing. As they say, truth is born in dispute. This is how creative ideas appear, an incentive to learn and improve something. All this can be useful and necessary for social interaction, even if you are against many people.

Disagreement can be considered a mistake only when nothing depends or changes on the agreement or disagreement of the interlocutors. That is, if it is an empty dispute that does not bring any results other than irritating opponents. The point of such discussions is not to learn anything new. When you argue that someone is wrong, you are engaging them in a verbal battle for status. And that is why most debaters remain unconvinced - to maintain dignity.

The next time you hear a point of view that is ridiculous or incorrect in your opinion, first find out why the person thinks so, rather than rushing to refute him.

If, even after listening to the arguments, you do not agree with someone’s opinion, do not enter into a useless argument. Instead, move the conversation to another topic where you can come to an understanding. Is there no such area? Then just avoid communicating with this person.

5. Lack of topics to talk about

In an unfamiliar company or in a conversation with people new to you, words can very quickly dry up due to difficulties in choosing general theme. Probably, each of us at least once in our lives had to pull out some phrases from ourselves, trying to fill awkward pauses. In order not to find yourself in uncomfortable situations, you can come up with a list of routine topics in advance and use them on occasion.

Imagine the circumstances when you want to start a conversation with an unfamiliar or unfamiliar interlocutor: near the cooler at work, when meeting in a cafe, at a bus stop.

Prepare 10 topics that are suitable for conversation with any person in any situation.

It's easier than it seems. For example, you can always ask about life or work (of course, unobtrusively and delicately), discuss last news(but it is advisable to avoid politics), ask for advice on some issue. Win-win, although not too much interesting option- conversations about the weather.

6. Illiterate speech

We should not forget that a conversation with a literate, educated person is perceived better than with someone who is confused about cases and vocabulary. Improve your speech culture, read more, use dictionaries. But at the same time, it is important to remember a sense of proportion: do not turn into a boring smartass and do not burden your interlocutor with phrases and terms that are too complex for him.

These are the most common mistakes in colloquial speech. Do you have any of them? Maybe you know good way get rid of them? Share your experience in the comments.

First, understand and accept one thing: even though you have known each other for a long time and you know the person inside out, now this does not mean at all that his behavior will meet your expectations. “There are certain general stages of experiencing grief. You may well be guided by them, remembering, of course, that each of us still needs individual approach“, explains psychologist Marianna Volkova.

Our experts:

Anna Shishkovskaya
Psychologist at the Gestalt Center Nina Rubshtein

Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology

How to support someone if they are in shock

Stage No. 1: usually the person is completely shocked, confused and simply cannot believe the reality of what is happening.

What should I say. If you are really close friends, it is best for you to be close without relying on the phone, Skype or SMS. For some people, tactile contact and the ability to see their interlocutor in person are very important. “At this time, conversations and attempts to express condolences are not necessary,” Marianna Volkova is sure. - None. Therefore, if your friend asks you to stay close and refuses to communicate, do not try to get him to talk. Contrary to your expectations, things will not get easier for him. It’s worth talking about what happened only when your loved one is ready for it. In the meantime, you can hug, sit next to, hold hands, stroke the head, bring tea with lemon. All conversations are strictly on business or on abstract topics.”

What to do. A loss loved one, sudden terrible diseases and other blows of fate require not only reflection, but also a lot of worries. Don’t think that providing this kind of help is easy. It requires a lot of emotional investment and is very exhausting. How to support a person in such a situation? First, ask how you can help. A lot depends on what condition your friend is in. You may have to take on organizational issues: calling, finding out, negotiating. Or give the unfortunate person a sedative. Or wait with him in the doctor’s waiting room. But, as a rule, it is enough to at least deal with everyday issues: clean up, wash the dishes, cook food.

How to support a person if he is acutely worried

Stage No. 2: accompanied by acute feelings, resentment, misunderstanding and even aggression.

What to do. It is clear that communication at this moment is difficult. But right now, a friend needs attention and support. Try to come more often, to be in touch if he is left alone. You can invite him to visit for a while. It is important to clearly understand whether you are mentally ready for this.

Words of condolences

“Most people, when expressing condolences, use common phrases that do not carry any meaning. Actually, this is a manifestation of politeness and nothing more. But when it comes to a loved one, something more than formality is needed. Of course, there is no template that fits every situation. But there are things that definitely shouldn’t be said,” says Marianna Volkova.

1. If you don’t know what to say, be silent. It’s better to hug one more time, show that you are nearby and ready to help at any moment.
2. Avoid expressions like “everything will be fine,” “everything will pass,” and “life goes on.” You seem to promise good things, but only in the future, not now. This kind of talk is annoying.
3. Try not to ask unnecessary questions. The only appropriate one in this situation is: “How can I help?” Everything else will wait.
4. Never utter words that could devalue the importance of what happened. “And some people can’t walk at all!” - this is not a consolation, but a mockery for a person who has lost, say, an arm.
5. If your goal is to provide moral support to a friend, first of all you yourself must be stoic. Sobbing, lamenting and talking about the injustice of life is unlikely to calm you down.

How to support someone if they are depressed

Stage No. 3: at this time the person becomes aware of what happened. Expect your friend to be depressed and depressed. But there is good news: he is beginning to understand that he needs to somehow move on.

What should I say. We are all different, so the best thing you can do is ask what exactly your loved one expects from you.

1. Some people need to talk about what happened.“There are people who, in a difficult situation, vitally need to speak out loud their emotions, fears and experiences. A friend doesn’t need condolences; your job is to listen. You can cry or laugh with him, but you shouldn’t give advice or put in your two cents in every possible way,” advises Marianna Volkova.
2. Some people need a distraction to cope with grief. You are required to talk about extraneous topics, to involve a person in resolving some issues. Invent urgent things that require full concentration and constant employment. Do everything so that your friend has no time to think about what he is trying to escape from.
3. There are people who are in difficult life situations They prefer loneliness - this makes it easier for them to cope with their emotions. If a friend tells you that they don't want any contact yet, the worst thing you can do is try to get under their skin with the best of intentions. Simply put, to forcefully “do good.” Leave the person alone, but be sure to make it clear that you are nearby and ready to provide all possible help at any time.

What to do.

1. In the first case, help of a domestic nature is often required, especially if your loved one is not one of those who easily negotiate, communicate and can easily choose the best of several proposed options.
2. You must help your friend move a little away from what happened. If you are connected by work issues, you can carry out distracting maneuvers in this direction. A good option- playing sports. The main thing is not to torture yourself and his grueling workouts, but choose what you like. You can go to the pool, court or yoga together. The goal is to try to have fun.
3. In the third case, you only need what is asked of you. Don't insist on anything. Invite them to “go out and unwind” (what if they agree?), but always leave the choice up to the person and don’t be intrusive.

How to support someone when they have already experienced grief

Stage No. 4: This is a period of adaptation. One might say – rehabilitation.

What should I say. It is at this time that a person re-establishes contacts, communication with others gradually takes on its usual form. Now a friend may need parties, travel and other attributes of life without mourning.

What to do. “If your friend is quite ready to communicate, there is no need to try to somehow behave “correctly” in his company. You should not try to forcefully cheer up, shake and bring to your senses. At the same time, you cannot avoid direct glances or sit with a sour face. The more familiar you establish the atmosphere, the easier it will be for a person,” Marianna Volkova is sure.

Visit to a psychologist

No matter what stage a person is in, friends sometimes try to provide help that is not needed. For example, forcefully send you to a psychologist. Here you will have to be especially careful, because sometimes it is necessary, and sometimes it is completely unnecessary.

“Experiencing trouble, sadness is a natural process that, as a rule, does not need professional help, says psychologist Anna Shishkovskaya. – There is even a term “grief work”, the healing effect of which is possible provided that a person allows himself to go through all stages. However, this is precisely what becomes a problem for many: allowing oneself to feel, to face experiences. If we try to “run away” from strong, unpleasant emotions, to ignore them, the “work of grief” is disrupted, and “stuck” may occur at any stage. That’s when the help of a psychologist is really needed.”

Cons of support

The tragedy they experience sometimes gives people a reason to manipulate others. We are, of course, not talking about the first, most difficult period. But you may be required to be present continuously for a long time. Your personal life, work, desires will not be taken into account. Let's say you invited a friend to stay with you for a while - a fairly common practice. But all the agreed upon dates have long passed, and the person continues to visit. You are silent, because it is impolite to talk about inconveniences, but the natural result will be a damaged relationship.

No less important is financial issue. It happens that time passes, everything that was needed has been done, but the need for investment does not disappear. And you, by inertia, continue to give money, afraid to refuse. " I noticed that you are starting to sacrifice yourself and your interests, which means there is a reason to talk and clarify the situation,” reminds Anna Shishkovskaya. – Otherwise, accumulated resentment and indignation will one day provoke a serious conflict with mutual claims. It would be good not to lead to a scandal, but to define the boundaries in time.”

Personal dramas are just one of those very troubles that friends find themselves in. And your behavior during this period will certainly affect your relationship in one way or another. Therefore, you should rush to help only if you sincerely want it.

A person who is depressed or in a long-term depressed state requires a special attitude and a special way of communication from us. The form in which we address the sufferer plays a role in this case vital role. Coping with your condition is often impossible alone, and if you really want and are ready to help a loved one, use the hint, it’s not that difficult!

1. Perhaps there is something I can do to alleviate your condition?

Showing something is not the same as just saying it. Words are not all that can help a depressed person. As a rule, any proposals that come as a “lifeline” are more often like a “magic kick”. Organic apples? Yoga? They are all perceived in approximately the same way: “You are doing something terrible in life, and it is your fault.”

What will be much more comfortable to hear from a loved one or friend when you can’t live actively on your own is, for example, an offer to help clean the house or an invitation to a cozy restaurant (specific name, date) for lunch or dinner. This may sound like the behavior of a pampered, self-centered child, but don't be afraid to offer these suggestions to those who are struggling with sadness hormones. Why not help a person in this difficult struggle?

2. What do you think could help you feel a little better?

In many ways, adults remain like small children; If you tell your child that it's best to stop eating Skittles because they give him nasty pimples on his cheeks, it's unlikely to stop him from stuffing six more into his mouth. This formulation of the question leaves a person free to independent decision. It’s as if you are turning to his “inner assistant,” who in fact always knows what’s best.

3. Is there anything I can do for you?

Again, as in the first point, effective communication is not just said, but also done. Even crying man in response to your question he will simply silently shake his head, I assure you: he will hear your proposal, and it in itself will become some kind of support.

4. Can I give you a ride somewhere?

Few people know that people suffering from depression are bad drivers. In fact, they are VERY bad drivers. Medical staff can confirm that driving behavior can be a good diagnostic tool for mood disorders. So perhaps your help could make a difference not only to your depressed loved one, but to others along the road as well.

5. Where do you find more support?

There's a big difference between saying, "Why don't you go to a depression therapy group?" and “You need support. Let's find out what it could be." Don't let your questions sound like an accusation of laziness.

6. You won't always feel this way.

This is the perfect phrase that I would like to hear fifty times a day when I was ready to leave this world forever. These words do not accuse, do not put pressure, do not manipulate. What they do is give hope, which keeps a person alive and motivates him to wait for the next day.

7. What do you think contributed to your depression?

This is a very soft way to express the thought: “Your marriage is having a completely destructive effect on you, you fool!” or “Don’t you think your fellow witch is in a bad mood too often and is unnecessarily bullying you?” It is better for a person to come to some of his own conclusions, even through the “poke” method. Moreover, in the future this will deprive him of a reason to assign responsibility for Negative consequences some of their actions on you.

8. What time of day is the hardest for you?

This is one of the best questions. Most often, depression is especially felt in the morning, upon awakening (“Oh horror, I’m still alive”), and from about three to four o’clock in the afternoon, when the body’s sugar level drops and anxiety levels rise sharply. The person doesn't go into details about their blues, but simply indicates when they will need additional involvement and support.

9. I'm here for you.

It's simple. It's warm. And this immediately means everything that a person needs to hear from you: I care about you, I accept this; I can’t fully understand your condition, but I love and support you.

10. Nothing.

This is perhaps the most difficult thing. Because we are used to filling silence, it frightens us with its apparent emptiness. Frightened by emptiness, we begin to talk about anything, even about the weather. It is also important to be able to listen. When you listen to a person, you take what he gives you, and for a depressed person it is already a lot to give something to someone. Sometimes simply listening carefully to what is being said means more than understanding the content. Because full attention is a priceless thing that can work wonders.

Based on materials from Teresa Borchard, a chronic depression sufferer and author of the project and book “Beyond the Blues: Escaping Depression and Anxiety and Making the Best of It” bad genes" (Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes)
(http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue/)