Stages of crisis relationships in family development. Crisis in the family: stages by year and how to cope with it. Family psychologist. Typical problems at this stage are related

Chapter 1. FAMILY LIFE CYCLE AND CRISIS SITUATIONS IN MARRIAGE

Life cycle as dynamic response families. The main stages (stages) of the family life cycle and their psychological content. A young family as a special stage in the structure of the family cycle. Normative family crises and the natural nature of their occurrence. Psychological causes of family crises. Non-normative crises in the family.

LIFE CYCLE AS A DYNAMIC CHARACTERISTIC OF A FAMILY

The family is, first of all, a social system in constant exchange with the environment. The functioning of the family is subject to two main complementary laws - the law of homeostasis (the focus on maintaining constancy and stability) and the law of development. The law of development means that the family, like any system, can be characterized from a historical perspective in terms of genesis, development and liquidation (cessation of existence). Therefore, we can talk about the life cycle of a family and a certain periodicity and sequence of stages of its transformation from origin to cessation of life activity.

Family life cycle– this is the history of a family’s life, its length in time, its own dynamics; family life, reflecting the repetition and regularity of family events.

Family Events – the most significant events for the life of a family that significantly influence changes in the family structure. Sets of family events form the main stages of the family cycle.

As you know, young people who have just gotten married and spouses who have lived together for decades treat each other differently, face various problems and difficulties, which cannot but affect the family atmosphere.

The life cycle of family development is determined by objective events (birth, death) and is carried out in the context of age-related changes in all family members. Age-related psychological changes affecting the personality of each family member radically transform the life of the latter: the system of needs and motives of the individual, the ways of his behavior and activities, the social status of family members, and, consequently, the style of communication and the nature of the functioning of the family as a whole change.

Recognition of the existence of these differences has led to the need to define the main stages of the family life cycle. The importance of such periodization is largely determined by the fact that each stage of the life cycle is characterized by typical developmental problems, knowledge of which will help spouses, on the one hand, prepare for their occurrence and resolution, and on the other, develop a system of recommendations from specialists to provide social and psychological assistance to the family .

The idea of ​​family cycles appeared in psychology in the 40s of the twentieth century, coming from sociology. The concept of “family development cycle” was used for the first time in 1948 by E. Duvall and R. Heal at the national American conference on family life, where they made a report on the dynamics of family interaction. Initially, 24 stages of the family cycle were identified.

In the 60s, when this idea began to be considered in psychotherapy, the family life cycle began to be reduced to 7-8 stages.

There are different classifications of stages in the family life cycle. In this case, they most often proceed from the specifics of the tasks that the family as a group must solve at each stage for its further successful functioning. In most cases, such periodization is based on a change in the place of children in the family structure. This approach is typical for both domestic and foreign scientists.

In particular, E. Duval identified 8 stages in the life cycle based on such criteria as the reproductive and educational functions of the family (the presence or absence of children in the family and their age).

First stage. Forming family (0–5 years), no children.

Second stage. Childbearing family, the oldest child is under 3 years old.

Third stage. Family with preschool children, the eldest child is 3–6 years old.

Fourth stage. Family with schoolchildren, the eldest child is 6-13 years old.

Fifth stage. Family with teenage children, the eldest child is 13–21 years old.

Sixth stage. A family that “sends” children into life.

Seventh stage. Spouses mature age.

Eighth stage. Aging family.

Naturally, not every family can be viewed through the prism of this classification; There are numerous family groups that do not “fit” into any classification. For example, families with children of very different ages, those who have been married many times and have children from previous marriages, single-parent families living with the parents of one of the spouses, etc. However, whatever the structure family, no matter what specific tasks it solves, at a certain stage of the life cycle it encounters difficulties typical for this stage of development, knowledge of which will help to cope with them much more successfully.

MAIN STAGES (STAGES) OF THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE AND THEIR PSYCHOLOGICAL CONTENT

Very often, problems arise in families because family members cannot smoothly move from one stage to another or one stage “overlaps” others (divorce, second marriage, children from a first marriage, etc.). It turns out that the family lives, as it were, in two stages at the same time: for example, where there is a small child and a teenager, problems appear that are characteristic of both one and the other phase of family development, which creates additional difficulties in the implementation of marital and parental functions.

At the same time, the approach to family development based on changes in the function of giving birth and raising children can hardly be considered the only correct one. Family relationships are not only the relationship between parents and children. Formally, the family exists from its registration until the dissolution or termination of the marriage, and its psychological essence arises when the relationship in a married couple becomes personally significant, influencing feelings, thinking and behavior, and remains so as long as these relationships retain their significance. Therefore, it would be more reasonable to determine the periodization of the development of a family as a small group based on the totality various relationships associated with the family, and their significance in one or another period of its functioning.

With this in mind, we can consider typical tasks and problems at different stages of the life cycle of a modern family. It should be borne in mind that the inability of the family to resolve problems characteristic of one stage entails the need to move them to another stage of the life cycle. In turn, at the new stage, problems appear that require resolution, and in addition to this are added unresolved problems from the previous period.

Thus, the family faces special difficulties, which are accompanied by the need to rebuild the entire family system and redistribute family roles and responsibilities. However, it is almost impossible to do this instantly. Therefore, a natural crisis arises in the family, accompanying it during the transition from one stage of the life cycle to another. Such a crisis is characterized by the fact that the previous intra-family relationships are no longer acceptable, and new ones have not yet been created.

Let us consider in detail the main stages of family life.

1. The period of premarital courtship. The main objectives of this stage are to achieve partial psychological and material independence from the genetic (parental) family, gain experience in communicating with the other sex, choose a marriage partner, and gain experience in emotional and business interaction with him.

For some, this period is excessively prolonged. Young people may avoid marriage for reasons that lie within their family of origin. But in the same way, they may strive for premature marriage, trying to free themselves from the relationship that constrains them with their parents. Many cannot marry a loved one due to financial and economic difficulties (lack of decently paid work, despite having a professional education, problem of own housing, etc.).

2. Marriage and the phase without children. At this stage, the married couple must establish what has changed in their social status and determine the external and internal boundaries of the family: which of the husband’s or wife’s acquaintances will be “allowed” into the family and how often; to what extent is it permissible for spouses to stay outside the family without a partner; how much interference in marriage is acceptable on the part of the spouses’ parents (at this stage it is very important how the new family perceives the daughter-in-law or son-in-law).

In general, during this period, a young married couple needs to conduct a huge number of negotiations and establish many agreements on a variety of issues (from values ​​to habits). Social, emotional, sexual and other problems may arise.

Firstly, one should accept changes in the intensity of feelings, establish psychological and spatial distances with genetic families, gain experience in interaction in resolving issues of organizing the daily life of the family, accept and carry out the initial coordination of marital (family) social roles.

Secondly, the issue of material support and financial support families: who will earn money, what level of society the family will belong to.

Thirdly, it is necessary to create intimacy in the relationship, which may be accompanied by the emergence of sexual problems due to inexperience, differences in upbringing, level of desires, etc. At this stage, it is also necessary to take into account the career issues of each spouse, discuss the possibility of having a first child and decide how many children are planned in the family. It may turn out that one of the spouses is infertile, and then new questions will arise: whether or not to take an adopted child for upbringing, or whether it is worth getting a divorce and trying to create another family.

In the conditions of modern Russian reality, many newlyweds do not immediately decide to have their first child; Increasingly, there are cases when couples do not register, preferring the so-called civil marriage to the legal registration of relations. This also creates its own problems in relationships.

3. Young family with small children. This stage is characterized by the division of roles associated with fatherhood and motherhood, their coordination, material support for new living conditions for the family, adaptation to heavy physical and mental stress, limitation of the general activity of spouses outside the family, insufficient opportunity to be alone, etc.

Sometimes a couple is not ready for children, and the birth of an unwanted child can complicate the problems of raising him. In addition, people who thought of their marriage as a trial run find that they now find it much more difficult to separate.

There are cases when the birth of a child is considered by the mother as a way to make up for the lack of self-love. During pregnancy, the mother may be happy with the fantasy of acquiring a being who will love her. The collapse of the dream occurs after childbirth due to the need to “give” a lot yourself. Postpartum depression sometimes seen as a reaction to the irrevocable loss of one's own childhood.

Fundamentally important feature This stage of the family life cycle is the transition of the spouses to the beginning of the implementation of parental function. The formation of a parental position is a process in many respects, a turning point, a crisis for both parents, which largely predetermines the fate of the development of children in the family, the nature of child-parent relationships and the development of the personality of the parent himself.

The parental role is fundamentally different from the marital role in that when forming a marital union, both partners are free to end the marital relationship and dissolve the marriage, while the parent is a “lifelong” role performed by the individual and cannot be canceled. Even in so-called “abandonment” cases, when parents renounce their right and responsibility to raise a child, leaving him in a maternity hospital or orphanage, the mother and father remain responsible for their moral choice, remaining parents, even if only biological ones.

A number of important questions at this stage are related to who will care for the child. New roles for mother and father emerge; their parents become grandparents (great-grandparents). A peculiar age shift occurs: aging parents have to see their children as adults. For many, this is a difficult transition. What has not been worked out between the two spouses must be worked out in the presence of a third person: for example, one of the parents (most often the mother) is forced to stay at home and care for the child, while the other (most often the father) tries to maintain ties with the outside world.

There is a narrowing of the wife’s communication zone. Material provision falls on the husband, so he “frees” himself from caring for the child. On this basis, conflicts may arise due to the wife’s overload with household chores and the husband’s desire to “relax” outside the family. A rather important problem of this period can be the problem of self-realization of the mother, whose activities are limited only to the family. She may have feelings of dissatisfaction and envy towards her husband's active life. The marriage may begin to disintegrate as the wife's demands for child care increase and the husband begins to feel that his wife and child are interfering with his work and career.

In relation to young Russian families, in some of them there is a need to separate from the older generation (to exchange or rent an apartment, etc.), in others, on the contrary, all concerns are transferred to grandparents (the newlyweds do not seem to become parents).

When the child grows up, the mother can return to work. In this regard, a new problem arises: what to do with the child - look for a nanny or place him in preschool.

Single mothers face special problems - children begin to ask questions about their father. In addition, in all families there may be a problem of unity of requirements for the child and control of his behavior: the grandmother spoils, the mother indulges in everything, and the father sets too many rules and prohibitions; the child senses this and manipulates them. Along with this, the family faces the issue of preparing the child for school, and the choice of an appropriate educational institution can also lead to disagreements between adult family members.

4. Family with schoolchildren (middle-aged family). The time a child enters school is often accompanied by the onset of a crisis in the family. The conflict between parents becomes more obvious, since the product of their educational activities becomes an object of public viewing. For the first time they are experiencing the fact that the child will one day grow up and leave the house, and they will be left alone with each other.

There may be some problems associated with the child’s school life - the issue of the intellectual usefulness of a son or daughter who is lagging behind in school is being resolved (then the child will have to be transferred to special school or organize individual training at home); there may be problems with behavioral abnormalities.

At this stage, parents decide the issue of the comprehensive development of the child (simultaneous sports, music, foreign language) or choosing an activity based on interests and inclinations. Along with this, the child (teenager) is taught to take on household responsibilities, distribute them, and combine them with studies. It is possible to transfer to another school (either due to relocation, or for in-depth study of any academic subject). Even when children reach adolescence, parents still take care of them, not trusting them to make their own decisions and not paying attention to the fact that adolescents are looking for freedom and striving for self-realization.

During this period, parents still devote a lot of time and effort own career, therefore, little attention is paid to the spiritual and mental world of the child. Sometimes, for the sake of the child’s interests, parents sacrifice their own (including professional ones). Then, at a later age, parents can accuse the child of interfering with their career. Elderly parents tend to shift their problems onto the child; their pessimism in life can be passed on to the teenager.

In some families, the problem arises of loss of parental authority (the parents always protected the child from the “truth of life”, and when confronted with reality, the teenager realized that he had been taught the wrong thing). Another important problem is the discrepancy between the hopes and forecasts of parents and the real, grown child. Teenagers get out of control and take an active interest in activities outside of school and family. Against this background, spouses may have problems with their own parents, who, as they age, begin to increasingly feel unwell and require care. Thus, the middle generation is subject to great pressure from both above and below, which can significantly aggravate intrafamily relations, which take on the character of a protracted crisis.

Main psychological characteristics families at this stage of the life cycle - coincidence or significant intersection of the crisis age stages of each generation of the family system. The older generation of grandparents is faced with the need to stop active production and social activities(retirement) and changes in lifestyle due to the emergence of problems of loss of physical strength and capabilities.

The middle generation of spouse-parents is entering a mid-life crisis that requires rethinking life path and summing up. Finally, the younger generation - teenagers - claims the right to recognition of their new status - the status of an adult, which necessarily leads to a restructuring of the system of parent-child relations. The intersection of three age-related crises - old age (for grandparents), midlife (for parents) and adolescence (for children) - experienced by three generations of the extended family creates a special vulnerability of the family system at this stage of the life cycle. It is at this stage that family members experience maximum anxiety, a sense of loss of security, and insecurity.

5. A mature family that is abandoned by children. Usually this phase of family development corresponds to the midlife crisis of the spouses. Often during this period of life the husband realizes that he is higher in career ladder he could no longer rise, but in his youth he dreamed of something completely different. This frustration can spill over into the entire family and especially the wife.

One common conflict is that when a man reaches middle age and acquires high social status, he becomes more attractive to younger women, while his wife, for whom physical attractiveness is much more important, feels that she has become less interesting to her. men. Children are at home less and less often, and it turns out that they were the ones who played especially in the family important role. Perhaps it was through children that parents communicated with each other, or that care for them and love for them united the spouses. Parents may suddenly find that they have nothing to talk about with each other. Or old disagreements and problems, the resolution of which was postponed due to the birth of children, suddenly escalate.

In families where there is only one parent, he may feel the departure of a child as the beginning of a lonely old age. In two-parent families, the number of divorces increases during this period. If the conflict is very deep, murder and suicide attempts occur. It is much more difficult to resolve a problem that arises in the mature stages of marriage than in early years when the young couple is not yet stable and is in the process of creating new interaction stereotypes. More often than not, the stereotypes developed by the family by this time, both for solving problems and avoiding them, become inadequate. Sometimes this leads to an intensification of problem behavior—such as drinking or spousal abuse—to an intolerable level.

This stage of the family life cycle, as already mentioned, is characterized by a high degree of anxiety. Specific to marital relationships are experiences of loss of love, disappointment, “devaluation” of the partner and a decrease in the sense of subjective satisfaction with the marriage. Marital infidelity, which is not uncommon at this stage, reflects the desire of the spouses to reconsider the results of their life path and find new opportunities for self-realization through the search for another partner with whom new partners become involved. life goals and new opportunities for personal growth, the establishment of emotionally close relationships, free from the previous burden of mistakes, guilt and bitterness.

As a rule, the search for another partner reflects not so much disappointment in the old one, but rather a negative rethinking of life outcomes and an attempt to “start life from scratch.” The inadequacy of such a resolution to the midlife crisis is due to personal immaturity and the inability to constructively resolve age-related developmental tasks based on mobilizing the resources of the previous family system.

Of course, quite often this crisis, which dictates the need for an individual to define new life goals, priorities and values, only exposes and aggravates long-standing contradictions of the family system, revealing its disharmonious and destructive nature, leads to the natural completion of the functioning of the family, its liquidation in terms of the termination of marital relations . However, even in this case, parent-child relationships are preserved and the broken family still fulfills the function of raising children.

Children should feel like adults (that is, they are approaching the first stage): they develop long-term relationships, marriage is possible, and new members are included in the family group. At this stage, new problems arise: does the children’s choice meet the parents’ expectations; where do young people spend their time? The question arises of exchanging an apartment in order to allocate their own housing to the newlyweds. A fairly common option is when a grandmother (grandfather) moves in with the parents of one of the newlyweds, and they move into her (his) apartment (the situation of “waiting for the death of a grandmother or grandfather”).

Another problem is the forced residence of young people with their parents. Grandchildren appear, and the question arises that the grandmother should leave her job. However, this is difficult to do, since modern grandmothers are often far from retirement due to age.

6. Aging family. At this stage, older family members retire or work part-time. A financial shift is taking place: old people receive less money than young people, so they often become financially dependent on children. It is possible to move to a new place of residence in another area or to a more modest apartment (in Russia it is sometimes possible to go to a village, to a dacha, etc.).

At this stage, marital relations are resumed, new content is given to family functions (for example, the educational function is expressed by participation in raising grandchildren). Retirement can make the problem of being alone with each other even more acute. In addition, a lack of self-actualization can lead to symptoms. At the same time, the symptoms of one spouse help the other adjust to life in retirement. For example, after leaving work, a husband may feel that if he previously lived an active life, helping others, now he is of no use to anyone and does not know how to fill his free time. When his wife falls ill, he again has a useful function: he must now help her get well. His wife's illness protects him from the depression he will fall into when she gets better. If his wife relapses, he comes to life again and can take active action.

7. The last phase of the family life cycle. In contrast to the previous stages of the family life cycle, the need to change its role structure is determined by the uneven processes of aging of spouses and the loss of their previous capabilities. The factor of termination of professional activity is also of great importance, influencing the distribution of the roles of “breadwinner” and “housewife (owner) of the house” between spouses.

Women adapt much more successfully and quickly to the pensioner situation. They usually retain in the family their previous status as mistress of the house, housekeeper, responsible for the family budget, and organizer of its leisure time. The role of the husband in the family is quite often limited to the role of “breadwinner”. If he stops working, he loses this role and often even feels that he is not in demand in the family, since due to retirement, the contribution of each spouse to the family budget is equalized.

In most cases, a “quiet velvet revolution” occurs in the family, the result of which is the transfer of all power to the wife. Unfortunately, this scenario impoverishes and schematizes marital relations, closing them within the routine ordinariness of the values ​​of everyday everyday functioning, disrupted only by watching TV series, the experiences and feelings of the characters of which compensate the elderly spouses for the mediocrity of their own lives, take them away from the world of reality into the world of dreams and illusions.

The opposite path of development of the family system is associated with the search for new significant and accessible areas of self-realization, with respect for the goals chosen by the partner, with help and support of the partner in achieving them.

Another option for restructuring the role structure of the family is associated with a sharp deterioration in the health of one of the spouses and the concentration of the family’s efforts towards solving the main task - preserving life, health and creating a satisfactory quality of life for the sick spouse.

At this stage of the family’s life cycle, the middle generation begins to play a particularly important role, on which they depend for emotional support and care for sick and elderly parents in need of help. Researchers have found that daughters are significantly more likely to help their elderly parents than sons. Help includes buying groceries, cleaning, preparing meals, and caring for sick grandparents. Quite often, daughters are forced to change jobs to resolve the problems of caring for seriously ill relatives.

Just as happened after the birth of children, a woman, responding to social expectations, allows a value choice in favor of caring for incapacitated members of the extended family, the implementation of which, however, depends on her participation in work, the presence of children and their age, the woman’s own age and her health. An interesting fact is that women with children are more tolerant of role tension and overload that accompany their performance of diverse family roles.

V. A. Alperovich identifies three types of relationships between elderly spouses: “co-existents”, “partners”, “friends in love”. These types of relationships differ according to emotional intimacy and mutual understanding of partners, distribution of rights and responsibilities, commonality of activities, interests and values, emotional involvement in family relationships.

Another problem specific to this stage is widowhood and the formation of a new model of life after the loss of a spouse. There are several most typical models, the choice and implementation of each of which are regulated a large number factors, and the most important among them are the age of the single spouse, the degree of his involvement in various types of social activity, range of interests and communication, the nature of the experience of the loss of a spouse and emotional status, health status, personal characteristics, specific types of coping behavior.

The following typical models of a new way of life can be named:

"life in the past", withdrawal into memories and idealization of the past, loss of the meaning of life and abandonment of the future, conscious loneliness;

"life is like waiting for death", preparing for a “reunion” with a spouse, waiting for the end of life’s journey, going into religion or searching for a philosophical justification for the end of the life cycle;

dominant egocentrism, full concentration on one’s own health, well-being, satisfaction of one’s own needs and interests; the leading type of activity is self-care and self-service;

integration as strengthening ties with children’s families, search for new family roles, realizing oneself in the role of grandmother (grandfather); the leading type of activity is caring for extended family members;

self-realization in professional or social activities ;

remarriage, creation of a new family system.

As you can see, only the last three are constructive models. Remarriage is enough a rare event in our society, especially for women, who are much more likely than men to find themselves in the position of widows. The most typical option for them is integration with the children's family.

One of the spouses may die, and then the survivor must adjust to living alone. Often he is forced to seek new connections with his family. In this case, the single spouse is forced to change his life style and unwittingly accept the lifestyle offered to him by his children. Sometimes he is forced to move from one child's family to another. Naturally, this does not have the best effect on his physical and mental state.

Being in the family of his own children, the widowed spouse painfully experiences his psychological isolation from others. Children who are busy with their own problems are of little interest or are not at all interested in his opinion on certain issues, or in his well-being, which everyone already knows about. Therefore, the grandmother (grandfather), who is not spoiled by her own adult children with attention, seeks and finds solace in her grandchildren, compensating with this affection for the lack of emotional warmth towards her in the family.

Sometimes, as a way out of this situation, in order to get rid of loneliness and be able to satisfy the need for communication with people of his generation, the widowed spouse, despite his advanced age, enters into a new marriage. In such a case, his emotional and physical distance with his own children increases, up to a complete break in the relationship.

IN Lately In domestic family science, a new approach to identifying the stages of the family life cycle has emerged. Its authors A.I. Antonov and V.M. Medkov believe that the family cycle is determined by the stages of parenthood, that is, the family’s performance of its main function - the birth, upbringing and socialization of children. There are four main stages:

1. Pre-parenthood stage - from marriage to the birth of the first child.

2. Stage of reproductive parenthood - the period between the birth of the first and last child. It may partially overlap (and in the case of the birth of an only child, completely disappear) with the next period.

3. Stage of socialized parenting – the period from the birth of the first child to the separation of the last child from the family.

4. Progenitor stage – the period from the birth of the first grandchild to the death of one of the grandparents.

On pre-parenthood stages spouses are preparing to become parents and form a family in the strict sense of the word, for only the birth of children turns a married couple into a family, husband and wife into father and mother.

On stages of reproductive parenthood the first child appears and the birth of a second and subsequent children is possible - depending on the family’s need for children. This stage can be shorter or longer depending on the number of births. And only in one case does it have no duration, when there is only one child in the family.

The second stage gives rise to the third - stages of socialized parenting, during which children are raised. For many parents, this stage never ends, but it should be limited either to reaching adulthood or to the moment of separation of the last of the adult children. The delay in this separation for many reasons (for example, due to lack of housing) prolongs the stage of socialization of adult children for an indefinite period. The phenomenon of “prolonged socialization,” when an adult remains single while continuing to live with his parents, will be one of the characteristics of the third stage. It is necessary to distinguish between “prolonged socialization” and “continued”, when due to study or other circumstances, marriage and the beginning of an independent life are postponed.

The appearance of the first grandchild turns the founding parents into grandparents, although this does not mean the end of the stage of “socialized parenthood,” since there may still be minor children in the family. Last stage – ancestry- lasts until the death of the spouses.

All of the above allows us to identify at least five family events (marriage, the birth of the first child, the birth of the last child, separation from the parents of adult children or, more precisely, the birth of the first grandchild, the death of one or the other spouse), forming four stages of the family cycle. This type of family cycle can be considered an ideal, complete family cycle.

Unfortunately, not every family, for many objective and subjective reasons, can go through these stages in its development. Voluntary and forced separations of spouses, parents and children, divorces and deaths create a variety of fragmented forms at different stages of family life, which leads to incompleteness of the family cycle. In this regard, the following difficulties arise:

On first the stages of the relationship may be complicated by the fact that one of the spouses has already been married;

On second stage, divorce is possible, which will result in single parents with children; or the death of children throws the spouses back into the pre-parental phase, returning them to reproductive behavior again or leaving them childless and stimulating adoption;

On third stage - socialized parenthood - children, for the same reasons, become orphans or are deprived of intensive contacts with one of the parents or, by dying, stop the stage of socialization and make subsequent events of the family cycle impossible, or encourage spouses to have new births, as well as to divorce;

On fourth stage, the widowhood of one of the spouses and the death of the remaining spouse are expected, although divorces and the death of adult children are also possible.

There are approximate age limits for each phase of the family life cycle, characteristic of each culture.

At the same time, the question arises: what is the duration of each stage of the family cycle and does the duration of marriage affect the nature of the tasks and problems that the family has to solve in one or another period of its functioning? In this regard, V. A. Sysenko’s approach to identifying the stages of family life is not without interest. In his opinion, all marriages can be grouped as follows: very young - up to 4 years; young – 5–9 years; average – 10–19 years; elderly - 20 years or more.

Such a division of the stages of family life cannot be considered strict due to the very conditional allocation of time periods based on the standards of socio-demographic research. So, for example, the transition from very young to simply young marriages often occurs earlier than five years in connection with the “advanced” birth of the first child. Nevertheless, the period of the “young family” is highlighted by all researchers without exception precisely from the perspective of many problems of a psychological and everyday nature, which often destroy a family at the initial stage of its formation. A considerable part of young families break up at the very beginning of their married life. The main reasons for the breakdown of such marriages are lack of preparation for married life, unsatisfactory living conditions, lack of their own housing, and interference of relatives in the relationship between young spouses.

YOUNG FAMILY AS A SPECIAL STAGE IN THE STRUCTURE OF THE FAMILY CYCLE

Numerous problems faced by young spouses during the formation of a family have led to the separation of young families from other types family unions to a separate group. In addition, a young family is distinguished by a number of psychological characteristics, which do not occur at subsequent stages (stages) of family life. Therefore, it makes sense to dwell on the characteristics of a young family in more detail.

In the dictionary on family education, a young family is a married couple with or without children, with a family life of up to five years and the age of the spouses not older than 30 years.

Newly married couples face many problems. They need to establish an optimal balance of closeness/distance, solve the problem of family hierarchy and areas of responsibility. They may suddenly realize that they are very different and become afraid of these differences. For the first time, they may be faced with the question: “If we are so different, then what are we doing together?” They may begin to struggle with differences or will try to simply ignore them.

Very often at the beginning life together newlyweds avoid contradictions and criticism of each other because they want to maintain a friendly atmosphere in the family and not hurt the feelings of the other. But if these contradictions do exist, the desire of the spouses to hide them or not notice them after some time leads to the fact that the contradictions grow, and the spouses begin to become increasingly easily and strongly irritated.

Another way to overcome disagreements is through power struggle. Spouses may try to openly subjugate their partner or manipulate him with the help of weakness and illness.

Another important problem during this period is establishing family boundaries. The young couple must establish a territory relatively independent of parental influence, and parents in turn need to change the way they interact with their children after they have started their own families.

In cases of conflict with their families of origin, spouses may develop symptomatic behavior. For example, a wife whose husband cannot prevent his mother from interfering with the young family may develop symptoms as a way of coping with the situation. Some couples try to protect their independence by completely cutting themselves off from interaction with their parents. Usually such attempts do not end in success and work to destroy the marriage, since the art of living in marriage involves achieving independence in combination with maintaining emotional ties with relatives.

Very young marriages are characterized not only by the initial entry into the social roles of husband and wife, etc. This period of married life is the most difficult and dangerous from the point of view of family stability. A young couple may experience strain on the family budget associated with the birth and raising of children, a sharp reduction in time and limited opportunities for organizing recreation and leisure, and an increase in physical and nervous fatigue. The problems of professional advancement and achieving social status are becoming more acute. All this affects the love and friendship of the spouses.

NORMATIVE FAMILY CRISES AND THE LEGAL CHARACTER OF THEIR APPEARANCE

In the process of development of family and marital relations, psychologists identify periods of “recession in relationships”, which are characterized by an increase in feelings of dissatisfaction with each other, differences in views are revealed among spouses, quarrels become more frequent, silent protest, a feeling of disappointed hopes and reproaches arise. Such periods are called crisis situations in marriage.

At the heart of a family crisis are certain patterns of development within family relations . Therefore, one should not look for the cause of the current situation only in the behavior of one of the family members or marriage partners. These patterns must be known and taken into account, adjusting your behavior in accordance with them. IN crisis situation First of all, it is necessary to show patience and avoid rash decisions and actions.

There are several such periods, or downturns, in relationships that not all families successfully overcome. They may occur:

In the first days after the wedding;

After 2–3 months of married life;

In 6 months;

In a year;

After the birth of the first child;

In the 3-5th year of marriage;

At the 7-8th year;

After 12 years of family life;

In 20–25 years.

The above periods of family crises are considered conditionally, because they are not experienced by all families. At the same time, it should be borne in mind that the transition of a family from one stage of married life to another is often accompanied by the emergence of crisis situations. Any normal, natural event in the life of a family (marriage, the birth of a child, a child entering school, someone’s illness, etc.), changes in the family or in its structure caused by these events, invariably give rise to certain problematic situations require making appropriate decisions and mobilizing the necessary resources for this.

To characterize such problematic situations caused by the transition from one stage of the life cycle to another, the American researcher Rona Rapoport in 1963 introduced the concept "normative stress", or "normal crisis". She noted that in the normal development of a family there are certain points called “points of irreversibility,” which are the boundaries between the stages of the life cycle and which are critical for the development of the family. They lead either to the resolution of the crisis and further development family, or to a complication of the situation, family disadaptation and subsequent family breakdown.

Under family crisis understands the value conflict of the individual and society regarding the birth and socialization of children, resulting in the failure to fulfill the reproductive and socialization functions of the family, accompanied by the weakening of the family as a union of relatives, a union of parents and children, a union of spouses, a weakening of the trinity of kinship - parenthood - marriage due to the disappearance of family production, joint activities parents and children.

Changing stages of the family life cycle represent problems in the development of the family system, that is, crises experienced by each family, the content of which is to resolve the contradictions between the new tasks facing the family and the nature of interaction and communication between family members.

Each transition from one stage of the life cycle to another poses new goals and objectives for the family and requires structural and functional restructuring, including a change in the hierarchy of family functions, resolving the issue of primacy and leadership, and the distribution of roles. Successful resolution of transition crises ensures the effective functioning of the family and its harmonious development.

Usually in the development of marital relations there are two natural ( normative) critical periods. It is during these periods that divorces and remarriage are most common, which, as it later turns out, was also “a mistake.” As a rule, it is impossible to avoid such crises, but it is possible and necessary to consciously manage them and their course in the interests of further strengthening the family.

First critical period occurs between the 3rd and 7th year of the family’s existence and, in favorable cases, lasts about one year. The leading role in this case is played by the disappearance of romantic moods, active opposition to the contrast in the partner’s behavior during the period of falling in love and in everyday family life, increased disagreement in views on things, increased manifestations of negative emotions, increased tension in relationships, feelings of dissatisfaction, the emergence of silent protest, feelings deception and reproaches. A crisis situation can arise without the influence of any external factors that determine the everyday and economic situation of a married couple, without the intervention of parents, betrayal or any pathological personality traits of one of the spouses.

In such cases, it is recommended to limit conversations related to the marital relationship, temporarily avoid manifestations of romantic love and joint discussion of practical problems (for example, raising children). It is better to focus the conversation on the professional interests of the partner, to lead an open life, when each spouse does not give up their interests and connections, than to demand that the partner be sociable. During this period of crisis, spouses must independently look for a way out of this situation, because the intervention of third parties can only aggravate the situation. The relationship between spouses, despite several years of marriage, is very fragile, and any careless outside interference can aggravate family destruction and lead to the severing of family ties.

Second critical period occurs approximately between the 13th and 23rd years of marriage. This crisis is less deep, but longer in time than the first (it can last for several years). It coincides with the known developmental psychology"mid-life crisis" Closer to forty years, a person begins to clearly feel the discrepancy between his dreams, life plans and the progress of their implementation. Not everyone manages to move along the path of life in strict accordance with their original plans. As a rule, reality turns out to be a cruel editor of ideal plans. In addition, the heavy pressure of time begins to be felt, and the person is no longer sure that he will have time to do everything he wants.

The attitude of others is also changing: the time for distributing advances is ending, a period is passing when it is flattering to be considered “promising”, “promising”, “capable and even talented”. The social environment expects the fulfillment of “promises” and evaluates a mature person by what he has achieved in life. The result of a midlife crisis is the development of a new image of the self, a rethinking of life goals, making adjustments to all areas of habitual existence, and bringing the personality into line with the changed living conditions.

A midlife crisis is also a difficult test for a family. Many mature individuals (especially men) try to motivate their personal failure by the fact that family worries and problems did not allow them to realize themselves fully, because they had to devote a lot of time and effort to their children. In such cases, care in independent life children disrupts the family balance. Much of what was hidden behind the vanity of everyday life is revealed in the form of naked problems. Often, spouses who have lived together for two decades and raised children, looking around their home, are surprised to discover that they have become strangers - and break up.

The onset of a second crisis in marital relationships often coincides with the approaching period of involution, with increased emotional instability, fears, the appearance of various somatic complaints, the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of children, the increasing emotional dependence of the wife, her worries about aging, as well as the possible desire of the husband express yourself sexually on the side, “before it’s too late.”

In this crisis situation, it is necessary to purposefully distract the spouses from the problems of aging and involve them in various group entertainment, which will require some kind of external intervention, since they themselves, as a rule, can no longer take the initiative. The events of betrayal should not be overly dramatized. It’s best to wait until your partner’s increased interest in extramarital affairs wears off (which is what most often ends up happening).

According to the American family therapist V. Satir, as each member grows, the family must go through ten main crisis stages, which are accompanied by increased anxiety, require a preparatory period and subsequent redistribution of mental and physical strength.

1. Conception, pregnancy and birth of the first child. Marriage as a somewhat egoistic relationship develops into a family as an altruistic relationship. There is a change in the role structure of the family.

2. The child begins to master human speech, which requires serious work from parents.

3. Establishing the child’s relationship with the external environment, most often at school. The need for children and parents to adapt to a situation where elements of the school, “street” world penetrate into the family.

4. The child’s entry into adolescence, difficulties of age, possible conflicts with parents.

5. Growing up of a child, leaving home in search of independence, independence. Parents also feel this period as a loss ("empty nest" syndrome).

6. Marriage of adult children, entry of new members into the family (daughter-in-law, son-in-law, grandchildren), problems in relationships with them.

7. The onset of menopause in the life of a woman-wife.

8. Decreased sexual activity in men.

9. Becoming parents as grandparents.

10. Sunset period: passing away of the spouses.

We offer you another classification of family life cycles from the point of view of normative family crises ( table 1).

Table 1. Family crises

PSYCHOLOGICAL CAUSES OF FAMILY CRISES

Along with objective conditions that can lead to a crisis in the family, subjective factors associated with personal characteristics of spouses and changes in feelings of love, which can also cause crisis relationships in marriage. Why does it happen that after a while love turns into indifference, and maybe even hatred?

It has become a trivial truth that marriage is a complex thing and the demands placed on a partner are constantly growing. Today, for a happy marriage, it is no longer enough that the man brings into the house as much money as is needed for a comfortable life, and the wife manages the house well. It is no secret that over time, problems grow, which become an insurmountable obstacle for spouses and lead to a family crisis. Let's list some of them.

1. Not taking the concerns and problems of your life partner seriously. The husband and wife still cannot get out of the state of childish perception of each other and, for any reason, are offended that the other could not (did not want) to fulfill their “cherished desire.”

2. Forgetfulness and neglect in relationships between spouses. At the same time, women suffer from the fact that over time their husbands often forget important dates of their lives together, the birthdays of loved ones. Because her husband devotes a lot of time to work, and she has to limit her business life. The wife wants her husband to let her know that he remembers his wife and considers her a faithful assistant in all his endeavors.

Husbands, for their part, also do not like it when they are forgotten about. A man is sometimes even more touchy than a woman. He thinks like this: she always has time to do her hair and makeup, but I don’t...

3. Excessive demands on a spouse(they expect from a life partner what he cannot give). Nowadays, among a large number of women, the following point of view prevails: “Now I am my husband’s wife, and my husband is obliged to make me happy, no matter what it costs him.” Demands are put forward: the spouse’s salary must be high, and he himself must be gentle and caring.

Husbands, in turn, are also not averse to raising the bar of requirements for their half. A wife should be an excellent housewife and mother, feed her husband on time, always look good, and meet the sexual aspirations of a man. If a woman does not meet this set of “standard” qualities, the man believes that he has the moral right to get a divorce or take a mistress.

4. Discrepancy between sexual desires of partners. Sometimes a woman doesn't like it if a man demands from her what she doesn't want. The other, on the contrary, strives for what the spouse is not ready for. A marriage can only be saved by the spouses being completely frank about their sexual desires and refusing excessive demands or too wild fantasies. However, whether this marriage will remain happy is a big question.

5. Feelings of envy of your partner's success. Nowadays, it can appear in both partners - about a successful career, a large salary, etc. If the husband is successful, the wife sometimes begins to feel fear that the successful spouse does not need her, is relegated to the background, that he is now more interested in others women. Along with envy comes a feeling of jealousy. These same emotions are also characteristic of men. As a result, life together begins to go wrong.

6. The partner makes it clear to the other that he is no longer attracted to him. Indeed, as soon as you tell a man or woman that he (she) has lost all interest in you, that there are others who are much more attractive, smart, sexy, the abyss begins to widen so rapidly that there is no hope for recovery.

Psychologists say that love has its own biorhythms: it arises, grows, and then can fade away. The most “peak” moments of cooling of feelings in a family fall in the first, third, seventh and fourteenth years of marriage ( table 2).

It should be noted that, as a rule, it is impossible to avoid such crises, but it is possible to consciously manage their course in the interests of further strengthening the family. To do this, spouses need to know that serious family problems lead to three main mistakes of spouses(see below).

Manifestation of family crises

1. Married couples do not want to admit that there is a problem, which means they do nothing to overcome it, either at the time of its occurrence or later. They pretend the problem doesn't exist.

For example, a husband is angry because his mother-in-law constantly gives advice to his wife on how to live with her husband. However, he does not say anything to his wife. And if he timidly hints at the unpleasant position of his mother-in-law for him, then his wife simply replies: “That’s just how mom is.” And when children appear, the mother-in-law takes all the reins of power into her own hands and begins to command not only her daughter, but the entire family. A husband and wife are quarreling over the wife's mother's excessive interference in their family life. Now they have a big problem, which should have been decided at the very beginning of family life.

2. Spouses do not discuss financial matters with each other. The wife defers to her husband or, conversely, manages all the financial affairs of the family herself. But a situation may arise in which a family urgently needs money, but it doesn’t exist. Accusations are made against each other, and a serious crisis suddenly arises that could have been avoided if they had discussed the financial situation of their family together. Finances must be common enterprise, regardless of who brings money into the house.

3. The husband and wife do not listen, and therefore do not hear each other. Spouses do not pay attention to each other's needs, and when a crisis arises, each tries to find a solution that meets exclusively his own interests and needs. They start quarreling instead of solving the problem together.

To resolve emerging financial, sexual and social crises, you can use simple psychological techniques.

Rules of conduct in a crisis situation

1. Be prepared to give 60% and expect only 40% to be returned to you. When a couple tries to build their relationship on a parity basis, then everyone expects to be the first to get their 50%. But if everyone is ready to give 60%, then over time they will learn to constantly please each other.

2. Preface the start of a serious conversation with a calming and encouraging phrase: “I love you.” This helps curb impulsive manifestations of temperament. You will remind your other half that, despite the problems, in your heart you care about her peace and well-being.

3. Negotiate with open cards. Say: “I would like such and such” or “This is what I think...”. This will make it easier for you to find a compromise solution.

The success of resolving a family crisis largely depends on its severity. Psychologists distinguish several degrees of marital crisis. Mild crisis usually begins suddenly and also stops unexpectedly. As a rule, repeated serious conflicts do not happen: having been burned in the flames of a quarrel, the parties begin to behave more carefully and prudently. Moderate crisis lasts at least three months. Outsiders may not notice it: outwardly, peace reigns in the family. But this is the calm before the storm, full of hostile and hostile silence. Severe family crisis does not go away within six months. Here not only can love disappear, but mutual hatred often arises. The family ceases to exist.

To avoid family crises due to mutual cooling or lack of mutual understanding, spouses should not turn their marriage into a habit, into vegetating together. You must always show your partner how dear he is to you, how significant he is to you, that he is a part of you, without which you will feel very bad. To do this you need to work on yourself, because happiness does not come by itself, but is created by two loving people.

ABNORMAL CRISES IN THE FAMILY

Along with the so-called normative crises associated with important family events that every family experiences throughout its life cycle, there are also non-normative crises inherent only in some families. Non-normative family crises are most often associated with events such as divorce, adultery, changes in family composition not related to the birth of a child, adoption of stepchildren, inability of spouses to live together for various reasons, teenage pregnancy, financial difficulties, etc. Stressors that cause abnormal family crises are divided into super-strong and chronic.

TO extreme stressors include: the death of one of the spouses, a parent or a child; adultery; a sharp and fundamental change in the social situation of family development (change in social status, financial situation families); heavy chronic illness one of its members.

Chronic stressors(long-term) operate on the principle “a drop wears away a stone” and includes factors such as unfavorable housing and material conditions; high emotional tension and significant chronic stress in professional activities; excessive household loads; disruption of interpersonal communication and long-term conflict in both the marital and child-parent subsystems.

Factors that are also significantly stressful are: sudden change stereotype of family life and the summation of difficulties (the “last straw” effect).

The ability of a family to withstand stress factors is determined by its cohesion and the presence of internal and external resources to counteract stress. The occurrence of an unexpected crisis event leads to an imbalance in the family system and requires adaptation to the new reality. Psychological mechanism such adaptation, according to J. Sandler, is a refusal to achieve the previous ideal image family and replacing it with a new ideal, closer to reality. The process of family individuation acts as a condition for its normal development, aimed at the future and preventing “stuckness” and regression to pre-existing ideal states.

The most common and dangerous forms of non-normative crises are jealousy and adultery. Distinctive feature Such crises are that they concern only the married couple, but have a destructive impact on the entire family as a whole and, first of all, on the children raised in it. Unfortunately, a fairly common solution to such crises is the collapse of the family system (divorce), which entails the emergence of new social and psychological problems for each member of the broken family.

QUESTIONS AND TASKS

1. Define the concept of “family life cycle” and name the main approaches to identifying the stages of the family cycle.

2. Describe the main patterns of family development throughout its life cycle. Determine the conditions for crisis situations in marriage.

3. What is meant by normative crises in family development? What is their psychological content? What are the characteristics of non-normative family crises? What is their main difference from the normative ones?

4. What impact does the “midlife crisis” have on family relationships?

5. What are the risk factors for family destruction and disintegration at each stage of its life cycle? Factors of its vitality?

6. Reconstruct the history of meeting and creating a family with a family group known to you. Try to determine the stage of her life cycle and the possibility of a normative (non-normative) crisis in the marital relationship. What do you think is a risk factor and what is the key to the sustainability of future relationships in this family? Why?

Analyze the following situations and answer the questions

Situation 1. " My husband and I have been married for eighteen years and now we are much more like two good friends than a couple of passionate lovers. We very rarely have sex. Our relationship can simply be called “comfortable.” Some part of me longs for a return to my old passion, but my friends think that in reality, after for long years In married life, all couples come to the same point. Maybe they are right in saying that I want too much?

Situation 2.“My husband and I need help. We lived together in perfect harmony for eighteen years, raised four children, and now it turned out that there was no trace left of our passion for each other. We have an even, calm relationship, but less and less often we want to have sex, and in everything else we feel dull boredom. I don’t want to believe that this is the natural end of any marriage. Can we bring passion back into our relationship?

1. Which of the normative crises in marital relationships are we talking about? What characterizes this crisis?

2. What should spouses know about the peculiarities of this crisis?

3. Should a woman (situation 1) blindly rely on the “authoritative” opinion of her friends? What are they right and what are they wrong? Justify your answer.

Situation 3.“From time to time I am tormented by doubts whether my wife and I are suitable for each other, because we still have problems and conflicts. We have been together for eight years and love each other very much. During this time, we have learned a lot, but we still continue to sort things out over little things. We have to constantly think about how not to offend each other, learn to pay more attention to our partner and at the same time try not to cross certain boundaries. Do you think it is possible to overcome these difficulties?

1. What kind of family crisis do marriage partners not realize they are going through? Is everything that happens to them an accident or a pattern?

2. How correct are the tactics of their relationship?

3. Is it possible to overcome what bothers my husband so much? What needs to be done for this? Justify your answer.

Situation 4.“Our marriage is twenty-eight years old, and for the last ten of them my husband and I have been completely indifferent to each other. Some time ago we seriously thought about divorce, but we came to the conclusion that neither of us wanted to rebuild our lives. Can we rekindle our love or is it better to accept that our feelings for each other have faded?”

1. What is the wife's concern? Is her concern justified?

2. Should the spouses come to terms with the current situation or should they change something in their relationship? How to do it? Which one should take the initiative?

3. What would you suggest to this couple to overcome their marital crisis?

Situation 5.“Whenever I try to talk to my husband about the fact that our relationship is not without problems, and convince him that serious work on it is necessary, he responds that “he prefers to accept things as they are and is quite happy with his life.” This doesn’t suit me, but no matter what I do, he ignores all my attempts. He just doesn't want to change. How can I get him to work on himself?”

Situation 6.“Getting anything from my husband is like ramming my head into a stone wall. He refuses to discuss our relationship, claiming that I am the only one with problems, and when I suggest that he read books on family relationships or go to a psychologist, he says that I can go anywhere and leave him alone. Years pass like this. Our marriage is about to collapse, and he doesn’t want to understand it; I feel as if saving my family is only my personal business. What do you think of it? Is there a way to “wake up” my husband?”

1. How justified are women’s fears regarding their husbands’ indifferent attitude to the current situation in the family?

2. Is it possible to force another person to change without his own desire, especially if he does not see problems in his life?

3. What should a woman do to “stir up” her husband and prove to him that their life together can be different, more interesting?

4. What are the prospects for such marriages? What can happen to families if husbands do not want to change anything in their relationships with their wives?

Situation 7.“I don’t understand what’s happening to me. For some time I literally cannot live without my husband, I need to see him constantly, talk to him, be around him. But then something in me seems to “break” - it becomes completely indifferent to me whether he exists or not. What used to make you happy only brings you grief and irritates you. At first I liked everything about him, and he was constantly interesting to me, but now... It seems to me that every year something leaves our relationship. Is this really how love fades and we will eventually have to part?”

1. What stage of family life and which of the normative crises in marital relationships do you think we are talking about? What are the features of its course?

2. How justified are a woman’s fears about a possible separation from her husband?

Situation 8.“All his life, Harry worked hard, persistently moved forward. He prepared for retirement, bought a car and trailer so he could go wherever he wanted, and decided to sell the house. Now he felt free. His wife Helen was against selling the house, but he assured her that everything would be great. In the end, she believed him and agreed to this proposal.

The day after seeing Harry off to retire, having sold the house, they set out on the road to meet his dream. After two months they stopped talking to each other. Six months later, Harry became seriously ill; a year later he was gone.

It must be said that Harry loved to impose his rules and requirements on everyone, and strove for everything to be done exactly as he saw fit. He did not know how to communicate with people, he was impatient and categorical. Due to his character, he went through very important changes that separated his past life from what lay ahead. The consequences were dire. During his illness, Helen refused to look after him, and even after his death, the hostility towards him was so strong that she did not come to the funeral.

1. What are the features of the crisis associated with the retirement of spouses? How is the experience of this crisis different for men? Among women?

2. What was Harry unable or unwilling to consider when selling the family home and going on a road trip with his wife?

3. Who is to blame for what happened to this couple? What is the fault of each spouse? Justify your answer.

4. Could the tragedy that happened to this family have been avoided? What needed to be done for this?

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5. Kratochvil S. Psychotherapy of family and sexual disharmonies. M., 1991.

6. Family crises: phenomenology, diagnosis, psychological help. M.; Obninsk, 2005.

7. Olifirovich N. I., Zinkevich-Kuzemkina T. A., Velenta T. F. Psychology of family crises. St. Petersburg, 2006.

8. Parchment worker L.A. Crisis psychology. Minsk, 2004.

9. Polivanova K.N. Psychology of age-related crises. M., 2000.

10. Paige S. Married life: the path to harmony. M., 1995.

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12. Tseluiko V. M. Psychology of the modern family. M., 2004 (2006).

Within the framework of a systematic approach, the first detailed description of the family life cycle appeared in J. Haley’s book “Unusual Psychotherapy.” He noted the fact that during the transition from one stage to another, the family experiences natural developmental crises, similar to those that arise during the formation of personality. During periods of transition, family members face new challenges that require a significant restructuring of their relationships.

Each new stage is associated with a change in all the main parameters of the family structure. Many families successfully resolve this situation by rebuilding and adapting to new conditions. This process is usually accompanied by personal growth of family members. However, if the family fails to rebuild, then solving the problems of the subsequent period of the family’s life cycle becomes more difficult, which can, in turn, aggravate the passage of the next crisis.

Table4. Dynamics of family relationships

First family crisis. The first years of married life are an important and largely determining period for the existence of a family. Based on them, one can judge the potential quality of a marriage and make predictions regarding the stability of a given family. Despite the bright emotional coloring and romanticism characteristic of a young marriage, this stage of family life is one of the most difficult, as evidenced by the large number of divorces that occur during this stage. Problems at this stage may be associated with difficulties in family adaptation and difficulty in accepting new roles; often they are a consequence of the fact that spouses are not separated from their parental families.

When creating a family, spouses are faced with the need to solve a number of important problems, primarily in the sphere of emotional relationships. One of them is strengthening emotional connection in a married couple and separation from the parental family without breaking emotional contacts with it. Spouses, on the one hand, must learn to belong to each other without losing closeness to the extended family, and on the other hand, to be part of their own family without losing their individuality. A couple’s ability to have close and independent relationships is often determined by the extent to which each spouse has managed to become an independent individual in the parental family. M. Bowen argues that those who have failed to gain autonomy within the parental family are characterized by emotional coldness or a tendency to merge with a partner (Bowen M., 2005). A high level of fusion between spouses is formed, as a rule, due to the strong suppression of the individual needs of one or both spouses, which causes fear of losing their “I” and leads to increased tension in the couple. When the period of idealization of the partner passes, attempts to get out of the merger and defend one’s “I” can become a source of high tension and conflicts in the couple.

In addition to solving emotional problems associated with establishing an optimal psychological distance, young spouses also need to distribute family roles and areas of responsibility, resolve issues of family hierarchy, develop acceptable forms of cooperation, share responsibilities, agree on a value system, and undergo sexual adaptation to each other. It is at this stage that partners look for answers to the questions: “Who is in charge in the family?”, “What are the acceptable ways to resolve the conflict?”, “The expression of what emotions in the family is considered acceptable?”, “Who is responsible for what and under what conditions? » Thus, during this crisis period, the spouses adapt to each other, looking for a type of family relationship that would satisfy both. The ability of spouses to resolve problems depends to a great extent on their ability to overcome their own selfishness and show altruistic love. Modern researchers note that although most marriages in our time are for love, this love is often selfish, i.e. the other is loved because he is needed; without him it is impossible to satisfy some vital needs, i.e. They most likely love themselves, and not the object of love (L.B. Schneider, 2000). According to I.F. Dementieva, the selfish attitudes of young spouses (when their own desires and interests come first) are associated with certain features of raising children in modern conditions. Parental care has become excessive. Education does not pursue the goal of instilling work skills in the child, rather the opposite: there is an active search for “clean work”, “ higher education" for children; Often the false prestige considerations of parents come to the fore: “Our child is no worse than others.” This leads to selfish attitudes of young people and potential instability of their families (A.N. Elizarov, 1995).

Successful problem solving during this period contributes to the development of long-term sustainable forms of behavior that operate throughout the entire life cycle of the family and help to survive subsequent family crises.

Second family crisis. The second normative crisis is traditionally viewed as a transitional stage in the family life cycle, caused by the fact of the birth of a child.

The birth of a new family member is an event that can lead to a number of difficulties. With the birth of a child, the spouses are faced with the need to rebuild relationships again (problems of hierarchy, intimacy, etc.) that were stabilized at the previous stage become actualized. New aspects of relationships with relatives arise.

The fact of the birth of a child marks the transition of dyadic relationships in the family to triadic ones: a triangle of relationships is formed, including parents and child. The basic family triangle consists of father, mother and child. Forming triangles and involving a third in the relationship usually helps reduce tension in the original dyad. In the period after the birth of a child, the father, as a rule, is on the periphery of the triangle, and a symbiotic relationship is formed between mother and child. During this period, the father may feel excluded from the family and experience a feeling of jealousy, since the mother directs all her attention to the child. In response to the spouse’s distancing, the husband often experiences a feeling of “emotional hunger” (Whitaker K., Bamberry V., 1997) and the need to seek intimacy with other family members, outside the family, or to go into the sphere of professional achievements, moving even further away from the family. A wife who expects her husband to provide emotional support and help with child care and housekeeping, but does not receive what she wants, may begin to feel resentful and make claims against her husband. Thus, from the first days of life, the child acts as a regulator of the psychological distance between parents. Quite acute during this period is the problem of lack of self-realization in the mother, whose activities are limited only to caring for the child and family. Women who were previously busy with their own careers may experience feelings of dissatisfaction. The personal crisis of the spouse can become an additional factor destabilizing the family during this period.

At this time they become again current problems external boundaries of the family. The birth of a child represents the union of two families. New roles are emerging - grandparents; the intensity of contacts with parental families changes. A marriage that was not recognized in the extended family or was considered temporary is often legalized with the birth of a child.

Third family crisis. At this stage, the family may be experiencing a crisis related to the inclusion of the child in external social structures (preschool and school). For the first time, parents experience the fact that the child belongs not only to them, but also to a wider social system that can also influence him.

Inclusion of children in external social institutions can reveal existing family dysfunctions, since the nature and quality of children’s adaptation to a new situation in their lives is determined by the characteristics of existing intrafamily relationships. Psychological problems of children, therefore, can act as an indicator of the presence of intrafamily problems.

A child’s enrollment in school requires flexibility from the family, expressed in the ability to accept the fact that the child has acquired a new social status and change its structural parameters. Due to the expansion of the child’s social contacts, changes occur in the external boundaries of the family. It is important for parents to organize adequate assistance for the student. In this regard, they are often forced to reconsider the distribution of responsibilities in the family.

The difficulties of experiencing this crisis can be complicated by the presence of disagreements or splits in the parental dyad. The couple can now try to solve problems through the child. It can be used as a scapegoat, a partner in a coalition of one spouse against another, a conciliator in conflicts, and sometimes the only justification for marriage. In addition, if the spouses were unable to agree and develop a common educational strategy for the child, this could lead to a war in which each spouse seeks to win the child over to their side. The alliance of one parent with a child against the other, being one of the most common problems in the existence of a family, is especially acute during its transitional (crisis) periods.

The experience of the crisis under consideration may be influenced by the critical period of marital relations, which occurs approximately between the third and seventh years of marriage. It is associated with the disappearance of romantic feelings and moods, with the appearance of a feeling of fatigue from marriage and disappointment in the partner. The decrease in spouses’ tolerance for each other in this period, compared to the first years of marriage, the expansion of the role range and the emergence of new areas of relationships that require spouses to be able to negotiate, aggravates the third normative crisis of the family.

Fourth family crisis. This family crisis is associated with the need for the family to adapt to the fact that the child is growing up and reaching puberty. Adolescence is a period of secondary individuation of the child, which, according to Blos, includes two mutually intertwined processes: 1) separation or separation;

2) abandonment of parents as the main objects of love and finding substitutes outside the family.

The complexity of the process of secondary individuation can be expressed in the ambivalent behavior of a teenager: he may seem like a very adult, sometimes like a very small child. The inconsistency of the process of growing up, as a rule, is painfully experienced by the parents themselves and causes polar experiences associated with the desire to either overly control the child or maintain his autonomy. This is a kind of test for them in their ability to trust the child.

For the child himself, adolescence is a very difficult period. The teenager's personality has not yet been formed. Any interference in his life causes anxiety and is perceived by him as a threat to his integrity. The body undergoes changes: a girl becomes a girl, a boy becomes a youth. As a rule, the way the family experiences this crisis is influenced by the way the parents themselves overcome teenage conflicts. From the perspective of their own experience, they may strive to protect children from the “mistakes” they made at the same age. Some parents try to realize through their children what they themselves were not able to do at one time or received from their parents. However, most often they tend to reproduce their own experience of parent-child relationships, interacting with the child in the same way as their parents did.

In any case, during this period the family needs to develop an agreement on what the child can be responsible for and what he cannot, and what the parents’ responsibilities are now. This process can be very painful, accompanied by conflicts, lack of mutual understanding on both sides, unwillingness to consider each other’s feelings, attempts by parents to increase control over the teenager and emotional detachment from his real difficulties, non-acceptance of his new status.

The systematic approach to the family is the most authoritative in modern family psychology. Within the framework of the systems approach paradigm, the family is viewed as an open, self-organizing social system in constant exchange with the environment. The functioning of the family is subject to two main complementary laws - law of homeostasis(focus on maintaining constancy and stability) and law of development. The law of development means that the family, like any system, can be characterized from a historical perspective in terms of genesis, development and liquidation (cessation of existence). Therefore, we can talk about the life cycle of a family and a certain periodicity and sequence of stages of its transformation from origin to cessation of life activity. The term “family development cycle” was first used by E. Duvall and R. Hill in 1948. Consideration of the dynamics of family development was based on E. Erikson’s idea about the specificity of tasks solved by an individual at each stage of family development. Each stage of its life cycle corresponds to specific development tasks.

The life cycle of family development is determined by objective events (birth, death) and is carried out in the context of age-related changes in all family members. Age-related psychological changes affecting the personality of each family member radically transform the life of the latter: the system of needs and motives of the individual, the ways of his behavior and activities, the social status of family members, and, consequently, the style of communication and the nature of the functioning of the family as a whole change.

A review of existing periodizations of the family life cycle allows us to conclude that they are all based on the criterion of changing the place of children in the family structure and the implementation of the educational function by spouses. E.K. Vasilyeva identifies five stages of the family life cycle, each of which solves its own specific problems of its development. The first is the emergence of a family before the birth of the first child; the second - the birth and upbringing of children - ends with the beginning of the working life of at least one child. The third stage is associated with the end of the family’s educational function from the beginning of the working life of at least one child until the moment when not a single child remains in the care of the parents. At the fourth stage, adult children live with their parents and at least one of them does not have his own family. Finally, at the final, fifth stage, the spouses live alone or with children who have their own families. R. Neubert identifies the stages of life together; after the birth of children, their upbringing; raising children of high school age; separation of children from parents and raising grandchildren. In V. Barkai’s periodization we see a similar sequence of stages: a family without children; family with young children; family with children attending kindergarten; family with school-age children; a family in which children have acquired partial independence; finally, the family that the children left behind. In Hill's periodization, the stage of the monad is replaced by the stages of marriage, the birth of a child, living with a child until adolescence, the stage of “chicks leaving the nest,” the stage of the death of one of the spouses, and again the stage of the monad. To a somewhat lesser extent, the importance of the educational function of the family is reflected in M. Erikson’s periodization, where the life cycle of the family consists of periods of courtship, mating behavior, birth of a child and interaction with him, mature marriage, separation of children from parents, retirement and old age.

Let's consider the life cycle of a family, which is based on the periodization proposed by B. Carter and M. McGoldrick.

The criteria for this periodization are the following characteristics family: 1) life goals; 2) tasks implemented to achieve these goals; 3) composition; 4) transitions from one stage to another in accordance with the new life attitudes of the family system. The last criterion, in our opinion, is nothing more than a normative crisis of the family, since the transition to a new stage first of all requires a restructuring of the entire family system. There are two scenarios for the development of a family at each stage of the life cycle: a scenario of well-being, which involves the spouses successfully solving the problems facing them, and a scenario of trouble, the destructive development of the family caused by its inability to solve these problems. Between these two extreme options is a continuum of individual trajectories of family development, which determine the degree of its harmony and efficiency of functioning. The solution to the problems of each subsequent stage is determined by the success of solving the problems of the previous stage, provided there is continuity and interconnection between them.

The life cycle of a family includes six stages: the premarital period, marriage and the formation of a new married couple, a family with small children, a family with teenage children, the period of children acquiring adult status and their separation (“chicks leave the nest”), the period of life after separation children. Even a simple listing of the stages of the family life cycle convincingly indicates that the most important core function of the modern family is the function of parenthood and raising children. The length of marriage does not determine the stage of the family life cycle. The transition of a family to a qualitatively new stage of its development is determined by solving the problems of having and raising children. Let's consider each of the listed stages in more detail.

Stage 1. Premarital period (young adult outside of the marital union), or "time of the monad."

Target: achieving emotional and economic independence of the individual, taking responsibility for oneself and one’s destiny.

Tasks:

• emotional differentiation of the self from the parental family, autonomy of the individual, acquisition of independence;
• development of intimacy in interpersonal relationships (according to E. Erikson), the ability to love and be loved in interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex, search for a marriage partner;
• the formation of the self through the acquisition of a profession and the achievement of economic independence.

Development and functioning future family is largely determined by the success of solving these problems. If problems are not solved, they are postponed and their solution is transferred to subsequent stages of family development, which, undoubtedly, is fraught with low efficiency of the functioning of the newly created family.

Stage 2. Marriage, the formation of a new married couple, or “dyad time.”

Target: formation of a new family system based on marriage.

Tasks:

• development and coordination of common family values and family life;
• resolving issues of dominance and establishing leadership;
• distribution of roles, acceptance of responsibility of spouses for their implementation;
• determining the financial and economic status of the family, organizing the family budget, solving the territorial problem of the family (problem of residence);
• organization of leisure;
• marital and family adaptation of spouses as an adaptation to life in a family;
• formation of family identity “We”, development of a common position regarding the future of the family, planning of main life goals;
• establishing relationships with the extended family (parents and relatives of each spouse).

The viability of the family and its future significantly depend on the success of solving the problems of forming a new family system. The awareness of the relationship “I and You” is replaced by the awareness of a new quality of relationship - “We”. Completion " honeymoon“marks the beginning of a restructuring of previous relationships of closeness and intensity of the experience of feelings of love and an appeal to solving the entire range of tasks of this stage. It is then that a young family is especially sensitive to the effects of stressors. Marriages often break up, which indicates both the complexity of the tasks at this stage of the family life cycle and the insufficient psychological readiness of young spouses to solve them, due to the low efficiency of solving problems of the previous stage, in particular the preservation of emotional, behavioral, value dependence on parents; lei, lack of economic independence of a young family, etc. A serious moment in the initiation of young spouses to readiness for married life is their solution to the task of establishing new system relationship with the extended family on the basis of autonomy from the families of the grandparents. Feature Russian family is that the beginning of family life for young spouses often occurs on the territory of one of the parent families and is accompanied by the arrival of a new member to the parent family. The positioning of extended family members is carried out in the coordinates of “friend or foe”, which creates the danger of group pressure from the extended family on the “stranger”, his not “equal” position in the family. This situation is well reflected by the meaning of the word “primak” in Russian colloquial speech, denoting a husband as a new member of the family. Primak is a spouse who is “adopted” into the extended family and, due to his position, does not have full and equivalent rights in contrast to “indigenous” family members.

Marital adaptation is considered as a process of gradual adaptation of spouses to life together on the basis of positive feelings of sympathy, love, friendship and respect for each other. Marital adaptation includes: 1) adaptation to new marital and family roles and coordinated role activities; 2) adaptation to the needs, life values, interests and lifestyle of the spouse; 3) adaptation to the individual typological characteristics, character and personal qualities of the partner; 4) adaptation to the professional activity of the partner; 5) sexual adaptation of partners [Sysenko, 1986].

Stage 3. Family with small children (up to adolescence).

Target: the beginning of the implementation of the function of raising children, expanding the family system to include new members.

Tasks:

• changes in the structural and functional structure of the family with the formation of marital and parent-child subsystems;
• formation of the parental position of mother and father;
• adaptation of the family system to include children;
• development of strategies, tactics and methods of education, their implementation;
• establishing new relationships with the extended family, including grandparenting roles.

A number of authors subdivide this stage of the family life cycle into the stage of a family with infants, with children preschool age, with school-age children (A.N. Volkova, T.M. Trapeznikova, N.L. Vasilyeva). Such fragmentation is not without reason, since the age of the children determines the specific tasks of upbringing and the forms of parent-child relationships, and thereby the ability of each spouse to maintain their previous roles in the professional and social spheres of activity.

The birth of a child creates a serious crisis in the family system, making it especially vulnerable and unstable to the influence of various stressors. K. Whitaker wrote that all the difficulties of family life recede into the background when the family is faced with the problems of expecting a child, pregnancy, childbirth and caring for a baby. According to S. Minukhin, the birth of a child entails a complex reorganization of the family associated with the emergence of its new substructure, which sometimes threatens the existence of the family itself. There is an objective need to revise the previous distribution of roles and responsibilities in the family, and the possibilities for preserving recreational activities and communication outside the family are also changing. As a rule, the wife gives priority to parental and family roles, abandoning her previous lifestyle and professional activity. The husband, on the contrary, becomes more active in work, since it is he who takes full responsibility for the material well-being of the family. For example, a family with infant children who need special care and education quite severely limits the ability of the mother, who usually takes on the role of the infant’s direct caregiver, to maintain her previous lifestyle and social roles.

Let us emphasize that the birth of children leads to the need to radically revise and rebuild the previous family system. Relations between spouses are now realized on two levels: in terms of marital relations themselves - between husband and wife - and in terms of parental relations - between father and mother raising a child. Coordination of these two plans of relations is a special, far from simple task. The function of parenthood and raising children determines the nature of changes in marital relations at this stage compared to the previous one. Of particular importance is the question of when and in what form the wife will return to professional activity, how and among whom the redistribution of child-raising functions will be carried out. For example, at the stage of raising an infant, the spouse is usually the only source of material means of subsistence for the family and monopolizes the function of the “breadwinner”. And at the stage of raising preschool children, i.e. from the moment the wife returns to active production activities, there is a need to review the distribution of household duties and responsibility for raising a child between spouses. Successful combination by spouses of two most important spheres of life - family and professional - is one of the central problems of this stage of family development.

The formation of a child-parent subsystem of relations radically restructures and complicates the life of the family. Although these plans of relationships - the marital and parental ones - are largely intertwined and interdependent, one can often observe their inconsistency regarding the degree of satisfaction of the spouses with the quality of these relationships. For example, a high degree of subjective satisfaction of spouses with the nature of the marital relationship itself can be combined with conflict, lack of mutual understanding and differences in views on raising children and the extent of participation of each parent in it, i.e. in the relationship between spouses as the father and mother of a common child (children). Conversely, a marital relationship on the verge of a breakdown is quite compatible with complete mutual understanding and unity of views on values, goals and methods of raising children.

A fundamentally important feature of this stage of the family life cycle is the transition of spouses to the beginning of the implementation of parental function. The formation of a parental position is a turning point process in many respects, a crisis for both parents, which largely predetermines the fate of the development of children in the family, the nature of child-parent relationships and the development of the personality of the parent himself. The parental and educational role is fundamentally different from the marital role in that when forming a marital union, both partners are free to end the marital relationship and dissolve the marriage, while the parent is a “lifelong” role performed by the individual and cannot be canceled. Even in so-called “abandonment” cases, when parents renounce their right and responsibility to raise a child, leaving him in a maternity hospital or orphanage, the mother/father retains responsibility for their moral choice, remaining parents, even if only biological ones.

We can identify a number of trends characteristic of a young family that arise after the birth of a child: the traditionalization of the family is carried out, implying an increase in the factor of sexual dimorphism and a woman’s concentration on family roles; there is a relative increase in the rigidity of the family role structure; there is a sharp and radical change in lifestyle, in particular a reduction in time, leisure, communication with friends, intensification of household and industrial work, and an increase in tension; there is an increased sense of responsibility and often anxiety for the future of the family and the well-being of the child; The time between spouses to communicate is reduced, problems of a sexual nature arise, and often the experience of loss of feelings of love arises. In cases where the father is removed from caring for the baby and educational functions, he experiences a feeling of jealousy and envy towards the child, towards the relationship of his emotional closeness with the mother. Such experiences have an extremely destructive effect on marital relationships and the formation of a father's position. There is a threat of its distortion.

Another important plan of relationships in the family system that arises after the birth of children is the relationship of the nuclear family with the grandparents, which defines a new role space for relationships within the extended family. In this role space, the relationship between the child's grandparents and spouses is being restructured based on the recognition of their new age and role status. The older generation accepts and masters new family roles - grandparents, whose important functions are: raising grandchildren; preservation of family history and traditions, ensuring continuity of generations; the function of arbitrators in family conflicts and disputes; function of guardians of family wisdom; providing assistance in solving problematic situations and crises that the family faces. The task of restructuring previous relationships within the extended family becomes urgent. It is at this stage that the likelihood of increasing extended family cohesion, optimizing emotional relationships, and developing meaningful cooperation between the older and middle generations increases dramatically.

So, the birth of a child entails the following major changes in the life of the family and the personal development of each spouse:

• development of spouses' identity based on the acceptance of the roles of mother and father;
• change in family role structure, including redistribution
• functions and the emergence of new parental roles;
• change role relationships outside the family - in the areas of professional, friendships and hobbies;
• changing the system of relationships in the extended family based on the older generation accepting the roles of grandparents.

Stage 4. Family with teenage children.

The main psychological characteristic of a family at this stage of the life cycle is the coincidence or significant intersection of the crisis age stages of each generation of the family system. The older generation of grandparents is faced with the need to stop active production and social activities and rebuild their lifestyle due to the emergence of problems of loss of physical strength and capabilities.

The middle generation of spouses and parents is entering a mid-life crisis, requiring a rethinking of the path of life and taking stock. Finally, the younger generation - teenagers - claims the right to recognition of their new status - the status of an adult, which necessarily leads to a restructuring of the system of parent-child relations. The intersection of three age-related crises—old age, midlife, and adolescence—experienced by three generations of the extended family, each characterized by its own unique developmental challenges, creates a particular vulnerability of the family system at this stage of the life cycle. It is at this stage that family members experience maximum anxiety, a sense of loss of security, and insecurity.

Target: development of the family system, taking into account the growing independence of children and the inclusion of care for the older generation (grandparents).

Tasks:

• revision of the system of parent-child relations in the direction of recognizing the right of adolescents to adulthood and providing them with the necessary and possible degree of independence and autonomy;
• caring for the older generation of the family (grandparents);
• a change in the “weight category” of generations, the generation of spouses taking full responsibility for the well-being of the extended family and a change in the nature of relations between the older and middle generations: recognition by the older generation of the leadership role of the middle generation;
• problem solving age development, refocusing the individual on overcoming the mid-life crisis, successfully resolving the problems of personal development and self-actualization, professional and career growth.

This stage of the family life cycle, as already mentioned, is characterized by a high degree of anxiety. Specific to marital relationships are experiences of loss of love, disappointment, “devaluation” of the partner and a decrease in the sense of subjective satisfaction with the marriage. Adultery, which is not uncommon at this stage, reflects the desire of the spouses to reconsider the results of their life path and find new opportunities for self-realization through the search for another partner, with whom new life goals and new opportunities for personal growth are associated, the establishment of emotionally close relationships, free from the previous burden of mistakes, feelings guilt and bitterness of experiences. As a rule, the search for another partner reflects not so much disappointment in the old one, but rather a negative rethinking of life outcomes and an attempt to “start life from scratch.” The inadequacy of such a resolution to the midlife crisis is due to personal immaturity and the inability to constructively resolve age-related developmental tasks based on mobilizing the resources of the previous family system. Of course, quite often this crisis, which dictates the need for an individual to define new life goals, priorities and values, only exposes and aggravates long-standing contradictions of the family system, revealing its disharmonious and destructive nature, leads to the natural completion of the functioning of the family, its liquidation in terms of the termination of marital relations . However, even in this case, parent-child relationships are preserved, and the broken family still implements the function of raising children.

Stage 5. The period of separation of children acquiring adult status (family with adult children).

At this stage of the family life cycle, there is a significant variety of forms of relationships between parents and adult children. Children can live with their parents without having their own family, which is especially typical for Russian society, in contrast to Western society, where completion of school education is a sufficient reason for the actual separation of a young adult from the family, at least territorial separation, and in a significant number of cases even financial and economic. Adult children can live separately from their parents - if they go to study in another city or rent housing, striving for long-awaited independence and autonomy and asserting their adult status. They can be married or remain single, unmarried. A distinctive feature of this stage of the family life cycle is the cessation of the spouses’ function of raising children and their continued professional and social activity.

Target: formation of a flexible family system with open borders.

Tasks:

• reconstruction of the family system as a dyad;
• the formation of a new system of relationships between parents and children of the “adult-adult” type;
• inclusion of new members into the family system (son’s wife or daughter’s husband, grandchildren);
• mastering new family roles - grandparents;
• increased concern for the older generation, acceptance of disability and possible death parents.

This stage of the family life cycle is characterized by the completion of the educational function, the separation of adult children and the need for a new restructuring of the family system, where, after many years, the marital relationship itself comes to the fore. Spouses, as at the beginning of the life cycle, face the task of building relationships within the dyad. The dominance of the parental relationship plan during the previous stages when adult children are separated often leads to a feeling of loss of meaning in life, devaluation of the family and cooling of marital relations (the common goal of raising children is lost). A destructive way out of the crisis caused by the separation of adult children is attempts by parents to invade

into a family of adult children with claims to dominance and informal leadership, or at least the desire to become an “indispensable” member of the newly formed family, usurping, for example, the role of a child educator. A textbook example of such a behavioral strategy is the behavior of a grandmother, who implements an authoritarian-directive management style in a family of children and, in fact, provokes its destruction and disintegration [Zakharov, 1982]. The opposite scenario for family development, which ensures the harmonization of the family system, is the construction of marital relationships in the form of “recognition” - getting to know the partner from new sides, with the advantage of life experience, acquired wisdom and tolerance. Spouses seem to rediscover each other and build marital relationships taking into account the new personal qualities of the spouse, the joys and defeats experienced in family life. It happens, however, that they are surprised to find another (almost stranger!) person next to them, and then the further fate of the family depends on the desire and readiness of the spouses to build new relationships. The birth of grandchildren in a family of children opens up other role opportunities for them to implement the educational function, but now as grandparents.

Stage 6. Family after separation of children (stage of old age and old age).

The specifics of the last, sixth stage of the family life cycle are determined by the entry of the spouses (or one of them, if the age difference is large enough) into the final period of ontogenetic development - the period of aging and old age. Age-related developmental tasks during this period mediate the developmental tasks of the family system as a whole. Retirement leads to a radical restructuring of all life aspirations of an individual. V.D. Shapiro points to three main groups of needs and the corresponding value orientations of older people: 1) social needs (for meaningful activities, meaningful leisure, quiet rest, good material and living conditions); 2) socio-psychological needs (for interpersonal communication, respect, independence, attentive and caring attitude of others); 3) the need to maintain health [Shapiro, 1983]. The priority interests of older people are the well-being and success of their children and grandchildren and loved ones. A peculiarity of the married life of elderly couples is the change in sexual relations, taking into account menopausal disorders in women and men.

Target: restructuring the system of generational relations within the extended family, taking into account the realities of age-related changes.

Tasks:

• preservation of previous individual interests, types of activity and forms of interaction and functioning in married couples despite physiological aging and loss of physical strength and capabilities;
• exploring new possibilities for fulfilling social and family roles (grandparents);
• supporting the central role of the middle generation;
• the acquisition of wisdom and experience of old age in intelligent functioning;
• experiencing the loss of a spouse, loved ones, friends, peers;
• building a life model after the loss of a spouse;
• “reconsidering” the results of life, accepting the inevitability of one’s own
• death, solving the problem of personal integration before the threat of collapse.

In contrast to the previous stages of the family life cycle, the need to change its role structure is determined by the uneven processes of aging of spouses and the loss of their previous capabilities. The factor of termination of professional activity is also of great importance, influencing the distribution of the roles of “breadwinner” and “housewife (owner) of the house” between spouses. Women adapt much more successfully and quickly to the pensioner situation. They usually retain in the family their previous status as “mistress of the house - housekeeper”, responsible for the family’s budget, and organizer of its leisure time. The role of the husband in the family is quite often limited to the role of “breadwinner”. If he stops working, he loses this role and often even feels that he is not in demand in the family, since due to retirement, the contribution of each spouse to the family budget is equalized. In a significant number of cases, a “quiet velvet revolution” occurs in the family, the result of which is the transfer of all power to the wife. Unfortunately, this scenario impoverishes and schematizes marital relationships, locking them within the routine ordinariness of the values ​​of everyday everyday functioning, disrupted only by watching soap opera series, the experiences and feelings of the characters of which compensate elderly spouses for the mediocrity of their own lives, taking them away from the world of reality into a world of dreams and illusions. The opposite path of development of the family system is associated with the search for new significant and accessible areas of self-realization, with respect for the goals chosen by the partner, with help and support of the partner in achieving them. Another option for restructuring the role structure of the family is associated with a sharp deterioration in the health of one of the spouses and the concentration of the family’s efforts towards solving the main task - preserving the life, health and creating a satisfactory quality of life for the sick spouse.

At this stage of the family’s life cycle, the middle generation begins to play a particularly important role, on which they depend for emotional support and care for sick and elderly parents in need of help. It has been found that daughters are significantly more likely to help their elderly parents than sons [Craig, 2000]. Help includes buying groceries, cleaning, preparing meals, and caring for sick grandparents. Quite often, daughters are forced to change their place of work to resolve the problems of caring for seriously ill relatives. Just as it happened after the birth of children, a woman, responding to social expectations, allows a value choice in favor of caring for incapacitated members of the extended family, the implementation of which, however, depends on her participation in work, the presence of children and their age, and the woman’s own age and her health. An interesting fact is that women with children are more tolerant of role tension and overload that accompany their performance of diverse family roles.

V.A. Alperovich identifies three types of relationships between elderly spouses: “cohabitants”, “partners”, “friends in love”. These types of relationships differ in emotional closeness and mutual understanding of partners, distribution of rights and responsibilities, commonality of activities, interests and values, emotional involvement in family relationships.

Another problem specific to this stage is widowhood and the formation of a new model of life after the loss of a spouse. There are several most typical models, the choice and implementation of each of which is regulated by a large number of factors, and the most important among them are the age of the single spouse, the degree of his involvement in various types of social activities, the range of interests and communication, the nature of the experience of the loss of a spouse and emotional status, state of health , personal characteristics, specific types of coping (coping behavior). The following typical models of a new way of life can be named:

• “life in the past”, withdrawal into memories and idealization of the past, loss of the meaning of life and rejection of the future, conscious loneliness;
• “life as an expectation of death,” preparation for “reunion” with a spouse, anticipation of the end of life’s journey, conversion to religion or the search for a philosophical justification for the end of the life cycle;
• dominant egocentrism, complete concentration on one’s own health, well-being, satisfaction of one’s own needs and interests; the leading type of activity is self-care and self-service;
• integration as strengthening ties with the children’s family, searching for new family roles, realizing oneself in the role of grandmother (grandfather); the leading type of activity is caring for extended family members;
• self-realization in professional or social activities;
• remarriage, creation of a new family system.

As you can see, only the last three are constructive models. Remarriage is a fairly rare occurrence in our society, especially for women, who, much more often than men, find themselves in the position of widows. The most typical option for them is integration with the children's family.

The transition from stage to stage of the family life cycle represents normative crises in the development of the family system, i.e. crises experienced by every family, the content of which is to resolve the contradictions between the new tasks facing the family and the nature of interaction and communication between family members. P. Boss calls the difficulties experienced by most families at the time of change in their functions and structure normative stressors. And we saw that each transition sets new goals and objectives for the family and requires structural and functional restructuring, including a change in the hierarchy of family functions, resolving the issue of primacy and leadership, and the distribution of roles. Successful resolution of transition crises ensures the effective functioning of the family and its harmonious development.

S. Kratochvil identifies the “standard” time for the onset of such crises depending on the length of marriage: in the intervals of 3-7 and 17-25 years of experience. The 3-7 year crisis lasts about a year. It manifests itself in the loss of romantic moods, a decrease (loss) of mutual understanding, an increase in conflicts, emotional tension, a feeling of dissatisfaction with the marriage, and adultery. The crisis of 17-25 years is not so pronounced, but is longer lasting (up to several years). Its symptoms are an increase in emotional instability, a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of adult children from the family, and the experience of aging. If we take into account that the birth of a child occurs in a family approximately in the 3-4th year of marriage, then it is easy to see that the chronological interval of 3-7 years of marriage is linked to the stage of a family with small children (infancy and early age), i.e. . with the period of the most severe restructuring of the family system - the beginning of parenthood, the forced alienation of the young mother from professional and educational activities, the restriction of spouses in their usual way of life, communication, leisure, and a decrease (as a rule) in the level of material well-being of the family [Kratochvil, 1991]. Thus, these recurring crises of the family are due to changes in its functions and structure.

The second “standard” time interval for the onset of a crisis covers the period of “family with teenage children,” the special vulnerability of which we have already discussed above, and the period of separation of adult children associated with the completion of the function of raising them. Thus, the most striking manifestations of crises in the life cycle of a family are associated with the beginning of the spouses’ exercise of the function of parenthood and raising children and with its termination.

Along with normative crises, we can also talk about non-normative family crises caused by such events as divorce, adultery, changes in family composition not related to the birth of a child, adoption of adopted children, the impossibility of spouses living together for various reasons, teenage pregnancy, financial difficulties etc. Stressors that cause abnormal family crises are divided into super-strong and chronic.

Within the framework of a systematic approach, the first detailed description of the family life cycle appeared in J. Haley’s book “Unusual Psychotherapy.” He noted the fact that during the transition from one stage to another, the family experiences natural developmental crises, similar to those that arise during the formation of personality. During periods of transition, family members face new challenges that require a significant restructuring of their relationships.

Each new stage is associated with a change in all the main parameters of the family structure. Many families successfully resolve this situation by rebuilding and adapting to new conditions. This process is usually accompanied by personal growth of family members. However, if the family fails to rebuild, then solving the problems of the subsequent period of the family’s life cycle becomes more difficult, which can, in turn, aggravate the passage of the next crisis.

Dynamics of family relationships

Stages and crisis periods of the family life cycle

Family development goals

Courtship period

1.Formation of identity. 2. Differentiation from the parental family and achieving emotional and financial independence from parents. 3. The young man acquires age-appropriate status.

Crisis 1. Taking on marital obligations

Adaptation of spouses to family life and to each other: 1. Establishing internal family boundaries and boundaries of communication with friends and relatives. 2. Resolving conflict between personal and family needs. 3. Establishing an optimal balance of proximity/distance. 4. Solving the problem of family hierarchy and areas of responsibility. 5. Achieving sexual harmony (sexual adaptation). 6. Solving housing problems and purchasing your own property

Crisis 2. Spouses mastering parental roles and accepting the fact of the appearance of a new person in the family

Reorganizing the family to perform new tasks: 1. Caring for a small child. 2. Restructuring of the family structure in connection with the birth of a child. 3. Adaptation to a long period of child care. 4. Encouraging the child's growth and ensuring his safety and parental authority. 5. Aligning personal and family goals

Family of a preschooler and a primary school student

Crisis 3. Inclusion of children in external social structures (kindergarten, school)

Reorganization of the family to perform new tasks: 1. Redistribution of responsibilities in the family in connection with the child’s entry into kindergarten or school. 2. Showing participation if there are problems with routine tasks, discipline, studies, etc. 3. Distribution of responsibilities for helping the child prepare homework

Teenager's family

Crisis 4. Acceptance of the fact that the child is entering adolescence.

Reorganizing the family to meet new tasks: 1. Redistributing autonomy and control between parents and children. 2. Changing the type of parental behavior and roles. 3. Preparing for a teenager to leave home

The phase in which grown children leave home

Crisis 5. A grown child leaves home

Reorganization of the family to perform new tasks: 1. Separation of the child from the family. 2. Correct leaving home. 3. Admission to an educational institution, military or other service

A family that has largely fulfilled its parental function (“empty nest”)

Crisis 6. The couple are left alone again

Reorganization of the family to fulfill new tasks: 1. Revision of marital relationships. 2. Redistribution of responsibilities and time. 3. Adaptation to retirement

First family crisis.

The first years of married life are an important and largely determining period for the existence of a family. Based on them, one can judge the potential quality of a marriage and make predictions regarding the stability of a given family. Despite the bright emotional coloring and romanticism characteristic of a young marriage, this stage of family life is one of the most difficult, as evidenced by the large number of divorces that occur during this stage. Problems at this stage may be associated with difficulties in family adaptation and difficulty in accepting new roles; often they are a consequence of the fact that spouses are not separated from their parental families.

When creating a family, spouses are faced with the need to solve a number of important problems, primarily in the sphere of emotional relationships. One of them is strengthening the emotional connection in a married couple and separation from the parental family without breaking emotional contacts with it. Spouses, on the one hand, must learn to belong to each other without losing closeness to the extended family, and on the other hand, to be part of their own family without losing their individuality. A couple’s ability to have close and independent relationships is often determined by the extent to which each spouse has managed to become an independent individual in the parental family. M. Bowen argues that those who have failed to gain autonomy within the parental family are characterized by emotional coldness or a tendency to merge with a partner (Bowen M., 2005). A high level of fusion between spouses is formed, as a rule, due to the strong suppression of the individual needs of one or both spouses, which causes fear of losing their “I” and leads to increased tension in the couple. When the period of idealization of the partner passes, attempts to get out of the merger and defend one’s “I” can become a source of high tension and conflicts in the couple.

In addition to solving emotional problems associated with establishing an optimal psychological distance, young spouses also need to distribute family roles and areas of responsibility, resolve issues of family hierarchy, develop acceptable forms of cooperation, share responsibilities, agree on a value system, and undergo sexual adaptation to each other. It is at this stage that partners look for answers to the questions: “Who is in charge in the family?”, “What are the acceptable ways to resolve the conflict?”, “The expression of what emotions in the family is considered acceptable?”, “Who is responsible for what and under what conditions? » Thus, during this crisis period, the spouses adapt to each other, looking for a type of family relationship that would satisfy both. The ability of spouses to resolve problems depends to a great extent on their ability to overcome their own selfishness and show altruistic love. Modern researchers note that although most marriages in our time are for love, this love is often selfish, i.e. the other is loved because he is needed; without him it is impossible to satisfy some vital needs, i.e. They most likely love themselves, and not the object of love (L.B. Schneider, 2000). According to I.F. Dementieva, the selfish attitudes of young spouses (when their own desires and interests come first) are associated with certain features of raising children in modern conditions. Parental care has become excessive. Education does not pursue the goal of instilling work skills in a child, rather the opposite: there is an active search for “clean work” and “higher education” for children; Often the false prestige considerations of parents come to the fore: “Our child is no worse than others.” This leads to selfish attitudes of young people and potential instability of their families (A.N. Elizarov, 1995).

Successful problem solving during this period contributes to the development of long-term sustainable forms of behavior that operate throughout the entire life cycle of the family and help to survive subsequent family crises.

Second family crisis.

The second normative crisis is traditionally viewed as a transitional stage in the family life cycle, caused by the fact of the birth of a child.

The birth of a new family member is an event that can lead to a number of difficulties. With the birth of a child, the spouses are faced with the need to rebuild relationships again (problems of hierarchy, intimacy, etc.) that were stabilized at the previous stage become actualized. New aspects of relationships with relatives arise.

The fact of the birth of a child marks the transition of dyadic relationships in the family to triadic ones: a triangle of relationships is formed, including parents and child. The basic family triangle consists of father, mother and child. Forming triangles and involving a third in the relationship usually helps reduce tension in the original dyad. In the period after the birth of a child, the father, as a rule, is on the periphery of the triangle, and a symbiotic relationship is formed between mother and child. During this period, the father may feel excluded from the family and experience a feeling of jealousy, since the mother directs all her attention to the child. In response to the spouse’s distancing, the husband often experiences a feeling of “emotional hunger” (Whitaker K., Bamberry V., 1997) and the need to seek intimacy with other family members, outside the family, or to go into the sphere of professional achievements, moving even further away from the family. A wife who expects her husband to provide emotional support and help with child care and housekeeping, but does not receive what she wants, may begin to feel resentful and make claims against her husband. Thus, from the first days of life, the child acts as a regulator of the psychological distance between parents. Quite acute during this period is the problem of lack of self-realization in the mother, whose activities are limited only to caring for the child and family. Women who were previously busy with their own careers may experience feelings of dissatisfaction. The personal crisis of the spouse can become an additional factor destabilizing the family during this period.

At this time, the problems of the external boundaries of the family become relevant again. The birth of a child represents the union of two families. New roles are emerging - grandparents; the intensity of contacts with parental families changes. A marriage that was not recognized in the extended family or was considered temporary is often legalized with the birth of a child.

Third family crisis.

At this stage, the family may be experiencing a crisis related to the inclusion of the child in external social structures (preschool and school). For the first time, parents experience the fact that the child belongs not only to them, but also to a wider social system that can also influence him.

The inclusion of children in external social institutions can reveal existing family dysfunctions, since the nature and quality of children’s adaptation to a new situation in their lives is determined by the characteristics of existing family relationships. Psychological problems of children, therefore, can act as an indicator of the presence of intrafamily problems.

A child’s enrollment in school requires flexibility from the family, expressed in the ability to accept the fact that the child has acquired a new social status and change its structural parameters. Due to the expansion of the child’s social contacts, changes occur in the external boundaries of the family. It is important for parents to organize adequate assistance for the student. In this regard, they are often forced to reconsider the distribution of responsibilities in the family.

The difficulties of experiencing this crisis can be complicated by the presence of disagreements or splits in the parental dyad. The couple can now try to solve problems through the child. It can be used as a scapegoat, a partner in a coalition of one spouse against another, a conciliator in conflicts, and sometimes the only justification for marriage. In addition, if the spouses were unable to agree and develop a common educational strategy for the child, this could lead to a war in which each spouse seeks to win the child over to their side. The alliance of one parent with a child against the other, being one of the most common problems in the existence of a family, is especially acute during its transitional (crisis) periods.

The experience of the crisis under consideration may be influenced by the critical period of marital relations, which occurs approximately between the third and seventh years of marriage. It is associated with the disappearance of romantic feelings and moods, with the appearance of a feeling of fatigue from marriage and disappointment in the partner. The decrease in spouses’ tolerance for each other in this period, compared to the first years of marriage, the expansion of the role range and the emergence of new areas of relationships that require spouses to be able to negotiate, aggravates the third normative crisis of the family.

Fourth family crisis.

This family crisis is associated with the need for the family to adapt to the fact that the child is growing up and reaching puberty. Adolescence is a period of secondary individuation of the child, which, according to Blos, includes two mutually intertwined processes: 1) separation or separation;

2) abandonment of parents as the main objects of love and finding substitutes outside the family.

The complexity of the process of secondary individuation can be expressed in the ambivalent behavior of a teenager: he may seem like a very adult, sometimes like a very small child. The inconsistency of the process of growing up, as a rule, is painfully experienced by the parents themselves and causes polar experiences associated with the desire to either overly control the child or maintain his autonomy. This is a kind of test for them in their ability to trust the child.

For the child himself, adolescence is a very difficult period. The teenager's personality has not yet been formed. Any interference in his life causes anxiety and is perceived by him as a threat to his integrity. The body undergoes changes: a girl becomes a girl, a boy becomes a youth. As a rule, the way the family experiences this crisis is influenced by the way the parents themselves overcome teenage conflicts. From the perspective of their own experience, they may strive to protect children from the “mistakes” they made at the same age. Some parents try to realize through their children what they themselves were not able to do at one time or received from their parents. However, most often they tend to reproduce their own experience of parent-child relationships, interacting with the child in the same way as their parents did.

In any case, during this period the family needs to develop an agreement on what the child can be responsible for and what he cannot, and what the parents’ responsibilities are now. This process can be very painful, accompanied by conflicts, lack of mutual understanding on both sides, unwillingness to consider each other’s feelings, attempts by parents to increase control over the teenager and emotional detachment from his real difficulties, non-acceptance of his new status.

How long will the economic crisis last? People are interested in the reasons and ways to get out of it, worrying about their quality of life. But for some reason they don’t learn to understand psychology. Although understanding the patterns of the family life cycle is more important than material aspects.

Any family, as a social system, also goes through stages, and the transitions between them are precisely crises. From which they come out with both losses and victories.

Stages of family life and crises

A family, like an organism, goes through cycles: birth, formation, development. Family disintegration can occur at any stage, but is most likely during the transformation of intrafamily relationships to which members of the “social unit” are not ready to adapt.

Family life cycle - the history of family events and relationships. Stages are a set of significant episodes. Back in 1948, psychologists E. Duval and R. Hill spoke about 24 periods of development of family relationships. Subsequently, the cycles were reduced to seven important stages. What do you need to know about natural turning points in family life?

First crisis - young family

The first crisis awaits the young family. It is not for nothing that the year since the wedding is popularly called the “Cintz wedding,” which implies the fragility and vivid diversity of the spouses’ relationship. The dissimilarity of characters, habits, and principles create a kaleidoscope of happy moments and “grinding” quarrels. The same phenomena occur in civilian families. Sometimes this cycle stretches to five years.
What happens more will determine what the exit from the first crisis period will be. Negotiations and agreements are the main weapon at the stage of a developing family, so that... If you manage to find compromises, learn to smooth out contradictions, stop in time when anger begins to speak, not reason, help each other, and not infantilely shift responsibilities, then family life will transform into a new quality.

The birth of the first child

The birth of the first child is considered a difficult turning point. When a family moves from a childless couple to the status of a full family, the concentration on each other is broken. And building relationships in which a new participant has appeared requires wisdom and patience on both sides. To do this, it is important that the emotional attachment of the spouses develops into friendship. Otherwise, everyone will focus on their own problems and claims.
Sometimes a woman believes that she will receive the lack of love from her husband from her baby. But, faced with the responsibilities of a mother, she becomes depressed, realizing that she has to “give” more again. Therefore, the birth of a child should be approached carefully and together prepared for a new stage in the family.

A woman goes through enormous stress: physical, hormonal, psychological. A man too, but his task is to understand the state of his wife and not to oppose his functions as a “breadwinner” to those of his parents. After all, a father is also a parent. On this life stage The ability to help each other is important.

If there were contradictions before the birth of the baby, they become aggravated. Therefore, one should not think that a newborn will breathe life into a broken relationship, although this sometimes happens. But more often, problems put on pause will make themselves felt again in the next crisis period.

Crisis of 3 years

Which occurs when the child reaches three years of age. At the stage of families with preschoolers 3-6 years old, mothers return from maternity leave to work. In addition to household responsibilities, professional ones appear. New stresses arise on both spouses. The feeling that there is simply no personal life leads to depression and nervousness.

The baby is acclimatizing to kindergarten. The introduction of a nanny or grandmother into the family also entails a number of issues: the problem of uniform requirements for the child’s behavior, preparation for school, preschool development.

Rebuilding your lifestyle in this cycle without succumbing to natural stress is not an easy task, but it is doable. If you realize that it will become easier when everything “gets on track.” Control negative emotions, conduct dialogues and strive for harmony. Friendship must transform into respect and complete acceptance of a partner with all his shortcomings.

Crisis of couples with children 6-12 years old

A married couple with children aged 6-12 years old attending school - a middle-aged family - realizes for the first time that their firstborn will sooner or later leave them. And spouses have different attitudes towards the prospect of being alone with each other.

At this stage of life, the crisis stages of family members intersect: the birth of a second child, loss of a job or moving to another place, a midlife crisis in men, illnesses of the older generation.

An increase in spending adds elements of a financial crisis in the family, which contributes to an imbalance in the system of relationships.

Another reason for the crisis is that the product of joint “nurturing” is on display and the parents’ mistakes become obvious. Checking the effectiveness of upbringing reveals intra-family contradictions and conflicts for outsiders.

Combining career and education is not always possible to harmonize. Distortions affect the state of mind of all family members directly or indirectly.

Ideally, at this stage of full knowledge of each other, true love for the partner comes. But if relationships in previous life cycles have not been finalized, mutual claims they are not allowed to act as a “united front” against problems. And most often, in terms of psychological atmosphere, a middle-aged family is the most anxious and turbulent stage of the entire life cycle. Because “satiation” with each other sets in, and a thirst for new sensations and emotions arises.

Teen crisis

When the eldest child grows up, most parents begin. The stage of family life with older teenage children is a crisis stage due to the children reaching puberty and the challenges associated with this process. And also with the ongoing physiological and psychological changes of the married couple themselves. Re-evaluating life experiences opens your eyes to missed opportunities. You take your own failures out on your partner. Men can look elsewhere for confirmation of their masculinity and wealth.

Maintaining hierarchy in the family is possible if a flexible system of rules is built and intra-family communication is established.

Children leave their father's house

The stage when children leave their parents' home forces spouses to evaluate their relationship without children. The nature of relationships with children striving for independence is changing. Revising your life routine, changing your habits and rhythm causes tension. This is especially true for non-working women, whose sense of self-worth is undermined if motherhood was their main activity and self-expression. Only the ability to fill the void with other activities will help you survive the crisis at this stage.

The “empty nest” stage

The “empty nest” stage . 50% of couples divorce when they realize that they no longer have anything to do with each other. Age-related deterioration in health, retirement, or a loved one cause crisis experiences. The common interests of the spouses can survive them. It's not worth living the life of grown-up children. After all, finally, you can devote all your time to each other.

The loss of one partner is the next crisis of the same life cycle. The solution will be to build new relationships with the families of adult children and grandchildren. Focus on further work or. It is also possible to create a new family.

Additional causes of family crises:

Treason.
Change in income level. And even if they grow.
Serious and long-term illnesses.
Change in family composition: death of one of the members, arrival of parents.
Changes in lifestyle sudden changes, moving.
Force majeure: military actions, political disagreements.

When spouses realize the stages of development of family relationships, there is an understanding that feelings do not pass away, but take on a renewed form. Each cycle has its own meaning. No strong relationship is possible without crises. By going through them, a person becomes mature, grows spiritually and hardens.

Crisis management is about changing to fit the role in new circumstances and helping your partner accept these changes. Getting out of a family crisis new level mutual assistance and understanding by establishing relationships appropriate to the situation. If partners do not want to change, then alienation increases with every tension and will inevitably lead to the breakup of the family.

Signs of a crisis in the family

Not every quarrel is a crisis. Competition, anger, irritation and in a completely prosperous period. And moments of crisis do not always manifest themselves in quarrels. There are so many life stories in which an outwardly calm married couple quietly and almost peacefully separated.

In addition to scandals and mutual discontent, there are other signs of a crisis in the family:

Lack of mutual understanding and common opinion on any life issues.
Nullification of intimate life.
Spouses do not try to please each other.
All questions concerning children.
Partners get irritated for any reason.
One spouse constantly defers to the other's opinion. Because of this .
“Family psychopathy” - when there is no empathy and understanding of the feelings of another.
The desire to share your experiences, joys and problems disappears.
The husband and wife do not communicate and spend time at work or outside the family.

The main thing is to understand in time that discord is a component of a new stage in marital relations.

How to cope with a family crisis

If you realize that your couple is going through a crisis, this is half the success in getting out of it successfully. How to cope with a family crisis and take relationships to another level?

Communicate. Talk through all the problems and mutual complaints one by one.
Voice it out general rules, distribute responsibilities.
Come to a compromise, that is, to a result that suits everyone.
Know how to apologize if you realize you made a mistake. . If you are not ready, then instead of ignoring, explain your condition and reschedule the conversation.
Don't criticize your partner in front of witnesses.
When expressing complaints, avoid insults and generalizations.
Don't provoke your partner. If he is already in , help him.
Don't do anything rash. Avoid hasty decisions.
Look at your partner with new eyes, find new points of contact.
Contact a psychologist.

Only with the cooperation of the spouses, the mutual desire to preserve the relationship and transfer it to a different quality, do they emerge from crises renewed and united. Don't give up, work on yourself, do everything you can in every life cycle to save. To be winners, not losers.